Princess of Pout

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T10:56:00.003-05:00

Desiderata, by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Happy happy New Year!!

.

Seasons Change

2011-12-27T20:56:00.000-05:00

As my son has grown life has changed. That has been pretty well documented over time throughout these pages. :)

And one of the ways that is most obvious is around the Holidays, when I don't get to keep him to myself, here at home. I don't even just have to share him with his biological father, but have also had to learn to (gracefully) share him with his girlfriend and her family. Given that I refuse to have him think of me the way his father thinks of my former mother-in-law, I would bite my tongue off before I would pressure him to be with me and stay here on the Holidays. Instead, I bury that hurt and try to put on a happy face, and be the kind of parent that he WANTS to be with. And of course, at the end of the day, I am, Master and I are, O/our home is, the place where O/our son always returns to. W/we are his home, deep in his heart.

So at Thanksgiving, he was with his girlfriend, and Master's family was all out of State where W/we were unable to join them (as is mine). He and I spent O/our Thanksgiving alone, not unhappy but perhaps feeling the poignancy of a non-traditional day. It was wonderful in it's own right, feeling happy to be together, relaxing, and spending time together doing exactly what W/we wanted, when and how W/we chose. It was especially good since I've been battling back from a severe Vitamin D deficiency (which I didn't even know I had, but which now explains an awful lot of the ennui I've been suffering.) Anyway, Thanksgiving was quiet, good, if different.

And son's girlfriend was cheerfully chattering on to me one day about her plans for them to spend Christmas with her family - completely oblivious to my feelings and the possible need/desire I might have to see my only child. She was, I think, also a bit oblivious to my son's need and desire to be with me for at least part of Christmas as well. All the days and weeks leading up to the Day I was mentally lecturing myself that I had to let go gracefully, that he was grown, and needed to live his own life, and that as the future unfolded I would be spending many holidays without his presence, which was fine. I did a pretty good job convincing myself, and accepting the portion of his time I was to be allotted in the days before and after those immediately surrounding the Holiday.

And things changed. I wonder if I had ranted and raved and moaned about how unfair and awful the plans were if I would have been stuck with them, or if my acceptance and peace perhaps allowed things to change. Either way, change they did. And they have both been with U/us for MOST of the time. The week before they were here, as his University Holiday had begun already. They were helping around the house with cleaning and decorations and preparing for the Holiday. They were with U/us on Christmas Eve when we prepared my family's traditional Christmas meal of a standing rib roast, Yorkshire Pudding, glazed carrots, layered salad, crusty rolls, all topped off by a scrumptious trifle. They enjoyed the meal and the company of one of Master's brothers and his family. They enjoyed the late night viewing of "Love Actually" after the guests went home.

They were both here the next morning for the traditional opening of our Stockings, followed by a nice breakfast, clean up, and then the unwrapping of gifts around the Christmas Tree. They left to go to her mom's house around Noon, and Master and I had some time to kick back and relax before O/our dear friends, newly married, came to share the evening with U/us. Instead of going straight to my son's father's house after spending time at his girl-friend's mom's, the kids stopped here and were able to say Hi to O/our friends, someone who is special to son too. It was nice for him to meet her husband and introduce her to his new girlfriend. They left to go to his father's where they spent the night and returned home to U/us the next day. He always returns to U/us. :)

So, the day after Christmas, before the kids came back, Master and I relaxed and rested to regain O/our strength after the exertions of the Holiday and the days leading up to it. I must confess, without the Vitamin D supplements of the past months I would never have made it through this whirlwind of activity, and I am very grateful to my doctors and health care providers for diagnosing and fixing this problem.

Today, I had a routine mammogram in the morning (BAD TOUCH!!!!!) followed by a trip to the Fire Museum with Master, son, son's girlfriend, sister-in-law, niece, nephew, (brother-in-law had to work) and a dear friend and her husband. We enjoyed viewing the old time fire equipment, and seeing the history of fire-fighting through the years. The museum also had a lovely train garden set up for the Christmas Holiday, and after the 9 of us finished in the museum we went to a nearby restaurant and enjoyed a delightful lunch.

On the drive home, I realized that so far, this has just been one of the very best Holidays I've experienced in many years. I prepared myself for a lonely, poignant, quiet Holiday, (even though being blessed to have my Master and sharing Life with Him is more than enough, there is just something about Holidays that has U/us both expecting to be with extended family. And while I was prepared for the quiet, non-traditional, I was instead, given a wonderful, family and friend-filled Holiday that has been more lovely than words can say.

Some of this is because I'm more physically ABLE to have this type of schedule and celebration, and I have not been physically able in the past few years. I cannot say enough about what the Vitamin D deficiency did to me. It's barely noticeable as it's happening, slowly adjusting to less and less capability, not knowing why, not really realizing anything is wrong that can be fixed. Instead, when conscious of the reduced abilities, assuming it's age, or weight, arthritis, depression, lots of things to explain the diminished capabilities. And then when the Vitamin D starts to take affect, and all of a sudden I am energetic and filled with zest for life, the mental and physical willingness and interest in doing things - it's truly dramatic. So that's some of why I've been able to entertain IN my (O/our) home again.

But I still think some of this is granted because I don't push and force and try to pound people to be the way I want them to be. I don't insist on getting my own way. I try, at least with my son, to step back and allow him to fly on his own, making sure that he knows that I am, and always will be, the wind beneath his wings. And so perhaps the Universe provided for me, because I was willing to accept less. Perhaps, because I chose to view the glass as full rather than empty (after all, if it has half water and half air, then it IS full,) I was given an over-flowing glass.

I don't know. That all might be silliness and crazy conjecture, but it could just be the truth. I'll never really know for sure, but I do feel there was great benefit to me in practicing acceptance and willingness to compromise.

Tomorrow, Master has decided W/we will travel out of State to visit my mother, and give her Christmas gifts to her in person. I had never even thought this was a possibility, and am elated that He gave this to me, and to her. And guess what? O/our son and his girlfriend are going with U/us to visit his grandmother too.

Is the Universe good or what??? :)

I am a blessed and lucky and happy little girl.

Like No One Is Watching

2011-12-03T11:41:00.000-05:00

I read this on the 14th of November, and made a note that I wanted to share it since it really spoke to me. Better late than never I think. I appreciate so much The Daily OM for sending out inspiring messages each day. They don't all speak to me as this one did - but I'm sure they all speak to someone, and I'm grateful for the workings of the Universe to provide.

November 14, 2011
Like No One Is Watching
Shake Your Tail Feathers

Over time, we have learned to suppress some of the most fun aspects of our individuality.

Most of us express our distinctiveness in many ways throughout our lives. Although, as we proudly share our offbeat traits and preferences with the world, we take great pains to downplay those eccentricities we ourselves deem odd. Instead of living lives colored by these quirky impulses, we seek out socially acceptable outlets for our peculiarities. We may not realize that we are editing ourselves in this way because our individual societal awareness is unintentionally attuned to the attitudes of the people we encounter each day. Over time, we have learned to suppress some of the most fun aspects of individuality. To rediscover and embrace these buried traits, we need only ask ourselves what we would do if we knew for certain that no one would judge our choices.

Visualizing this day without judgment can help you better understand the idiosyncrasies that are an important part of who you are but seldom manifest themselves in your existence. Perhaps you secretly dream of replacing grown-up, conservative clothing in favor of a changing array of costumes. You may envision yourself painting your car electric-green, hugging the trees in a crowded local park, singing joyous songs as you skip through your community, or taking up an exciting hobby like fire spinning. Try not to be surprised, however, if your imagination takes you in unexpectedly simple directions. In your musings, you may see yourself doing things such as breaking out in dance or dying your hair a fun color. Regardless of the nature of your suppressed peculiarities, ask yourself what is really stopping you from making them a part of your life, and then resolve to incorporate at least one into your everyday existence.

Life as we know it is so short. Making the most of years we are granted is a matter of being ourselves even though we know that we will inevitably encounter people who disapprove of our choices. When you shake your tail feathers like no one is watching, you will discover that there are many others who appreciate you because you are willing to let go of any inhibition. By doing this you help others know it is okay. No one else in the world is precisely like you and, each time you revel in this simple fact, you rededicate yourself to the celebration of individuality.

The one thing this did was to reinforce for me that it just doesn't matter what other people think about me. I can't please them all anyway, and there's really no need to bother trying. I'm only responsible for making ME happy.
Such a relief.

.

Just Had To Share

2011-11-30T23:58:00.001-05:00

Well??? It does!

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Lurkers

2011-11-10T19:44:00.000-05:00

So I hear it's Love our Lurkers day, which amuses me greatly because I think I'm more of a lurker than any reader who "lurks". I write so sporadically it's like lurking, from the other side of the blog. Not sure it matters, whichever side of the blog we're on. I write when I can, am able, need to, have something to share. I write for myself, to help me walk through this life. When I do and when I don't, it's all good. And on the other side of it, those who lurk are presumed to read the droppings I leave, take what they need or can use, and throw the rest out. I presume they read when they can, are able, or need to. I trust in the ultimate wisdom of the Universe to provide the blessing and nourishment to the reader that is helpful and needed at that time. Likewise, I generally follow the nudging of the universal Wisdom to help me share what I need to share to provide me with growth.

Sort of a circle of life type of thing...everything is provided in the time that it is needed, in the measure that is needed, and will send ripples outward to intersect with other people in the way and at the time that they need.

So yes, lurkers are loved, as are non-lurkers, as are those other writers who share on the blogs in which I may lurk. This journey we call life is enriched by the blogging world.

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Friends

2011-11-05T17:37:00.000-04:00

A local submissive women's group I belong to has a member who shares quotes daily for all to ponder. I often wonder if the quotes she chooses are reflective of where she is in her journey that day. I never ask, it's HER journey, and how the quotes touch me and fit into my life are really all I need concern myself with.

One day this past week, the following quotes arrived in the daily note from her:

A true friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself.
*- Anonymous*

Friends are helpful not only because they will listen to us,
but because they will laugh at us;
Through them we learn a little objectivity,
a little modesty, a little courtesy;
We learn the rules of life and become better players of the game.
*- Will Durant*

Those did speak volumes to me, for a variety of reasons. And I remember thinking to myself that true friends can help keep us real. True friends can tell us point blank, "you're full of bull" or "stop taking yourself so seriously". True friends love us, and remain true friends, in SPITE of our failings. They see us for who we are, they don't buy into the sales pitch we put on for the rest of the world (and often for ourselves too) but for who we really are. And they love us. Often when we cannot love ourselves. True friends accept us, the way we are, often when we cannot accept ourselves. If we are wise, we will take a step back and listen to those rare and precious friends, and give ourselves a break. We'll learn to value that which our true friend values - ourselves!

I am thankful for the true friends in my life, and hopeful that I make a difference in the lives of those whom I consider to be my true friends.

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How Did They Know?

2011-10-28T22:56:00.000-04:00

My fortune cookie the other night:

Yes, I am.

In any language.

..

Permission To Heal

2011-10-16T01:32:00.000-04:00

Six years ago my son entered into a suicidal episode that changed my life forever. Completely. In an all-encompassing way.

As the days passed following the event, his hospitalization, and my committing of him to a psychiatric facility, I coped, barely. Got through the days and nights only with the help of others in my life. I was numb, angry, in denial, scared, uncertain, and so much more. My only child, and I couldn't protect him from his internal demons, nor the people in his life who caused the episode.

My doctor prescribed some medications for me to help me through that time, and there was psychological counseling too.

Yet I couldn't relax, I couldn't accept, I couldn't move forward. I couldn't work. I could barely fulfill the simplest of functions and tasks. He returned home and returned to school and back to his normal routine, and I was trapped inside the paralysis which had settled upon me, the helplessness and hopelessness and fear became my constant way of life.

At one point, Master said to me that it was OK for me to allow myself to get well. That it was OK to give myself permission to heal.

And that simple observation stopped me in my tracks, and seemed to allow something to open up inside of me. And it took a long time. But I began the journey. I allowed myself to accept, and heal, and begin to move on.

I will never forget the events of that time, they were life-altering in ways nothing I've ever experienced has altered my life. But they are over. They are in the past. And once I gave myself permission to begin to heal, it got much easier to cope. It really did.

And allowing myself to heal did, in NO way, diminish the severity, seriousness, or magnitude of the situation. Nothing can take away how traumatic and dreadful the experience was. Getting well, and accepting, and learning to move on, does not make anything less. But it makes me more. It allowed my son to further his own healing, and it allowed me to get my life back.

Nothing will ever change that I am the parent of someone who once attempted suicide. Nothing will ever take that away from me (although I wish it would, but I can't change the past.) But living in the situation didn't help. Remaining fixed in that trauma did not help me, nor my son, nor anyone around us. It wasn't until I let go of that dreadful badge of tragedy that I could begin to live again, and set my son free to live again too.

It's OK to give ourselves permission to heal. That doesn't lessen the severity of the event we need to heal from. It's OK to let it go, let it be in the past, as we move forward into the future. It's hard to experience the present when we cling desperately to the past. It's OK to focus on the here and now.

One of the key things I had to do was to stop worrying about the future. How could I know he would never do that again? How could I protect him? How could I stop him from harming himself? How could I stop the people in his life who brought this upon him?

Turns out those answers are at once simple and simultaneously excruciatingly difficult. Because the answer is I couldn't. I can't. Everyday I had to (and still have to) let go and let him live. I can't control him, nor the world around him, nor the people in his life. I can't know that all will be well, I can't protect him, I can't.

That is a universal truth we all must come to - we cannot control others. And to that end, it is futile to waste energy and time worrying about the future.

Live for right now. Keep the mind out of the past and the future, make it slow down and focus on the here and now. There are small and large things to enjoy or fuss about right now. There is life to be lived right now.

It's OK to heal.

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Universal Truth

2011-08-09T21:36:00.000-04:00

I think I stumbled upon a universal truth.

I was pondering a situation that's been on my mind, and felt the need to say something about it on Facebook. I boiled down the essence of what I was thinking to this sentence:

Without transparency there can be no trust.

That is the root of the situation and the essence of what I'm feeling, even though I will very likely never say more than that about it to those directly involved. I said what I needed to say, quietly, and I won't pursue it - most likely.

Anyway

Some folks clicked Like, and commented. And I realized then that it was a universal truth, because all of the folks who responded in any way are from very different areas of my Facebook and life, and all are responding from a very different point of view. One is a single mom, related to me, who is bitter about men and relationships. Another is a friend from the church I once attended. Another is a neighbor. One is a stranger I don't know outside of one of the games we play. And so on. They relate to the sentence for different reasons, see the words differently, interpret the meaning differently, and apply the sentence to their lives differently. One size sort of fits all. I think that's what makes it a universal truth.

I can only know these truths for myself, I can't make other people know them or live them. So in my own little passive aggressive way, I said my peace, through a social network. And that's enough.

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Sad

2011-07-20T01:06:00.000-04:00

O/our dog died today. Well, technically, she died yesterday.
But.
She's gone.
And W/we are sad.
She is the submissive younger sister of O/our dog Duke, who died on 10/8/08. I've written about her before. The lack of bond I had with her, due in part I think, to her submissive nature. My bond with her brother was strong and deep, he was my heart and soul in many ways.
But in the past few years I've learned from her. And grown attached to her. And I miss her. Master misses her. Out vet and his assistants were crying too.
She was a trooper. She lived through a lot of adversity in her life - many surgeries for a variety of ailments, things that perhaps as the runt of the litter she had to deal with. Yet she never complained. Never cried or whined (unless kept separated from us.)
She was long-suffering, perhaps to a fault. Had she indicated how badly she was feeling W/we could have helped her sooner, made her more comfortable even if W/we couldn't prolong her life.
And in that lies a lesson to me. From one submissive to another. Ask for help. Don't be so stoic. It's not weakness to allow yourself to be a burden to someone else.
She loved to please people - especially Master. She was a Daddy's girl, like me, even though she clearly respected and obeyed me, our bond just wasn't as strong as hers with PirateDaddy. Can't fault her for that, He's the one I love to please also.
She was good to the cat, and kind to others. Protective and affectionate, and sweet natured.
RIP Duchess (12/4/97 - 7/19/11)

Dog's Purpose, from a 4-year-old

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion.

We sat together for a while after Belker's death,wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."

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Little Things Can Make A Big Difference

2011-07-12T11:38:00.000-04:00

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?

.

On Quitting vs Letting Go

2011-07-09T02:47:00.001-04:00

W/we've been watching a TV series together called "Men Of A Certain Age". The episode this week was frustrating to watch as our characters made some poor choices which kept them in destructive or negative patterns in their lives. And W/we were a bit irritated with the writers for not allowing some good and positive outcomes in the lives of the characters.

One of the characters decided to give up on a life-long dream to be a golfer, and he told his friend it was ok, he didn't need it. And I think what he was really doing was giving up rather than try, because he felt it was worse to try and fail than to not try at all.

Well tell that to Don Quixote! Or the ancient proverb (probably Chinese or Japanese) which tells us that success means getting up every time we fall. Try telling that to my Dad who always told me that nothing beats a failure but a try. (As a little girl I didn't understand that one very well, but I figured it out in time.)

Our golfer guy, Joe, just gave up rather than face the struggle. Rather than upset his kids, family, and friends. Rather than let himself down. He quit instead. Irony there, since the ultimate let down is never trying. Yes, sometimes we do need to let go of dreams or goals or plans that no longer meet our needs or suit our lives. But that isn't the same thing as quitting to avoid heartache and pain and fear and worry and...oh you get the point.

I hope in time that the writers will help this character develop some, well, character. I hope that we will see growth, and that he will learn some universal truths. It's not that I want him to be perfect, and never have problems. That wouldn't be very interesting nor realistic, and drama does need to be believable. It's just that I'd like him to not consistently make such poor choices.

And I have no more ability nor control over how the storyline develops with this character than I do with how other people's lives develop. And so often I may have learned and understood and internalized a universal truth, but I can do nothing to impart that wisdom to another. Sadly, so very often, those truths have to be learned the hard way, and on one's own schedule. And it remains frustrating to me, the fixer, that I can't give everyone the wisdom they need (according to my mind anyway) when they need it. I have to shut up and let them find the wisdom for themselves. And that is hard. And when the wisdom is found, and forward progress is made, and positive outcomes begin to manifest, I am so relieved, and happy. Whether it's in the life of a friend, loved one, family member, employee, or acquaintance, it's a beautiful thing when realization dawns and the momentum shifts, and the ultimate provisions of the universe abound.

Letting go of my desire to control and make everything be ok is huge, and a key here. Letting go. Let go. Don't worry, don't fret, breathe. Be prepared for the worst when I can take steps to avoid the worst. But for situations and people over which I have no control, stop being prepared for the worst, and just let it go. Being prepared won't make the bad any easier to bear, it really won't. Stop wasting time fretting and worrying and being scared. Let go.

Try, fail, try again. Let go of fear and worries, breathe.

,

Inter-Woven

2011-06-24T16:45:00.000-04:00

I was reading some old emails that I had saved, checking to see if I still wanted to keep them after all these years have passed. It's nice to laugh at the funny ones and think about the serious ones.

One of them ended with this line:

EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY. OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.

Well that's the truth. The tapestry of my life is made up of all that I have encountered and lived. Whether the thread made a positive contribution to the picture, or perhaps was more of a blemish, it still is altogether that which makes me who I am. Some encounters were of the finest silken threads in the most lustrous of colors. Other encounters used rough, dull, sub-standard thread. And some may have used an invisible thread which, while not seen by others, has given strength and support to the whole piece.

Just seeing my name in a sentence always gives me a little thrill, but this one was so evocative of who I am, I had to share. :)

And because it's worth reading, here is the email story that the above thought was part of:

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. "What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed this warning : "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap

. . .. Alone……

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it. It was a venomous snake whose tail was caught in the trap.

The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital.

When she returned home she still had a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup. So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient:

But his wife's sickness continued. Friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.

To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. But, alas, the farmer's wife did not get well...

She died.

So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them for the funeral luncheon.

And the mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

The next time you hear someone is facing a problem and you think it doesn't concern you, remember ---

When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life.

We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
.

2011-05-28T10:08:00.000-04:00

I remain one of the few people I know for whom this lifestyle is not about sex. And for whom submission is not about taking a beating or being bound. For me that is the stuff of fun and play, and yes, sex too. But it's the easy, enjoyable part. This lifestyle and submission are whole-life encompassing, and much harder to live outside of the bedroom/playroom.

I am reminded over and over again of the inter-connectedness of all of us, and the ripples of energy we send out constantly. So too, there are constantly ripples of energy coming toward us from others. How those ripples interact with us and how we choose to pass them on is fascinating to me. At what point do my actions cease being what I intended and begin being what others perceive them to be? And where does my responsibility lie within that paradigm?

I am gratefully reminded again, by the Daily OM for Friday, May 27, 2011, that I can and should, practice shielding myself from the negative energy of other people. Even when I know I am not the cause, not the problem, not the one the negativity is directed toward, I am drained through the interaction. So just mentally reminding myself that this is not my issue does not always help me block the negative energy. I am glad for the tips and tools for centering and shielding which are provided in the reading, and will work on adopting them for myself.

The past couple of weeks W/we've welcomed O/our son home for the summer from his first year away at university. He did very well, with a 3.2 his first semester and a 4.0 the second semester. He's working this summer as an intern in his chosen field, and just broke up with his girl-friend. He will be fine, I'm sure.

I was asked last month how I was doing with the "empty-nest" thing, to which I replied, "Well I filled it with a husband didn't I?" In truth, Master is my life, and I am complete. But I am mentally and emotionally stable enough to be complete even were I alone. I am able to acknowledge the emotion of wanting to keep my child with me always, and give value to that feeling, while knowing intellectually that his progression into adulthood and out into the world to make his own way is a positive outcome.

And so now that he's back home for a bit, it's nice to have him here, and he's always welcome here, and it's also really nice too when he's away and it's just Master and me. And that doesn't make me a bad mother, lol.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
*– Lady Dorothy Nevill*

Oh dear. Something for me to practice for sure. I am such an open person, not much hidden with me, I say it as I see it. Perhaps I need to learn that it's not necessary to tell all I know.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
*- Marianne Williamson*

How do we stop being afraid of our power and greatness? What steps can we take to embrace our light, and let it shine?

You must do the things you think you cannot do.
*- Eleanor Roosevelt*

This may be the first step. Like the Nike ad said - Just do it!

The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
*- Elbert Hubbard*

This might just be step 2.

I could go on and on I think. That's the dilemma with this type of rambly, random, brain-dropping sort of entry. There's no clear beginning, middle, nor end. There is no one unifying theme of the writing, and once the point has been made you finish. This is just me sharing little mental snapshots of thought. I think I'll stop now and let all these little bits sink in and settle and see where I go next. In general, even with the trials and difficulties in life, of which I do not share much here, but which do exist, even with them, I love life. I love my life. I love my Master. I love my son. There is very little of importance I would want to change about my life, and the things that aren't important just don't rule the day. I will not grant them power over my feelings and emotions and energy and actions. Life is very good.

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Wisdom

2011-05-15T14:19:00.000-04:00

So a respected teacher in the area of health once remarked to me that "When hunger is not the problem, food is not the solution." Well that seemed like a no-brainer, only I realize that for me it isn't. Food makes the problems go away, I feel better, so it must have been the solution. Right?

OK, that was a few years ago, I admit she was right, I know it in my head, and I'm willing to work on remembering and living with that truth. And guess what I've found out? It's still hard for me to even KNOW what the problem is. I don't always recognize that it's not hunger. I'm such a mess, I can't even tell when I'm hungry and when I've got emotional/psychological issues I'm avoiding.

grrr

I have at least 10 friends/acquaintances that have had bariatric surgery. Some of them were dealing with additional health problems which needed a rapid weight loss in order to correct/improve. Others were simply, in one person's words, "choosing ease". By that, they meant that rather than struggle to lose weight by diet and exercise they chose an easier way to shed the unwanted pounds. This person, and several others, were shedding the weight for cosmetic reasons, although to be honest their overall health cannot help but be improved. Anyway, I think to myself constantly about having the procedure done too. After all, it worked for all of them. It can work for me. And then I start to think about why I eat, why I don't exercise, and times in my life when I was successfully watching what I ate and exercising. And I was very successful. And I felt great. The weight creeps back on when I grow comfortable with life and where I am, and stop putting in the work to stay on top of difficult interactions. I avoid emotional discomfort by eating. And I know in my heart, that even a few years after a successful surgery, I will revert back to emotional eating patterns unless I get those emotions under control. I know this because I've seen it happen with 3 close friends. They, like me, are emotional eaters. And even though their physiology was changed to facilitate weight loss, they didn't learn how to deal with their difficult issues some other way besides by deadening the pain with food. And they've all gained all the weight back. And then some.

So I'm reluctant to have the surgery, because I know that I can succeed when I make up my mind to succeed, and if I don't learn other ways of coping the weight will come back. In so many ways, it's like the Nike ad "Just do it." I can and should just do it. What is holding me back? That's the million dollar question that I don't have an answer for. Is it laziness? Is it fear of the unknown? ick.

I don't know yet. But I am remembering that when hunger is not the issue food is not the answer, and that there are always second chances, it's never too late, it's time to work on the rewrite.

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SNL Inspires

2011-05-15T11:46:00.000-04:00

Paul Simon was on SNL (Saturday Night Live) yesterday (may have been a re-peat) and he sang these words:

I'm working on my rewrite, that's right
I'm gonna change the ending

The song is called "Rewrite", and it seemed to jump right into my last posting.

Second chances and renewal. Just because I took the easy way out in the past doesn't mean I will always take the easy way out, it's never too late to start new. The universe is just waiting to help me.

Lessons converging to help me get the message? It's never too late to change the ending.

Blather

2011-05-13T16:59:00.001-04:00

I was planning to share yesterday - but we all know what happened to Blogger yesterday. (If you don't know, blogger was "down". Down is a euphemism for deader than a doornail!) If it was working for other people that's very nice, it was on life-support at best for me.

So anyway, I'm glad it's back, welcome back Blogger. I hope you find my post from the other day. It was a lovely quote by Gilda Radner. Perhaps Blogger will find it and share it again, perhaps they won't. Certainly not in my power to control and no point worrying about it. But it was a lovely quote. :)

I just saw another quote which I just have to share:

The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want now. -Zig Ziglar

That hit me right in the weight area. I'm struggling. Lordy, it's seems I've been struggling always with it. I guess it's because I trade what I want most for what I want now. Right now I want the chocolate. Have not grown up enough to make myself realize that I can't have all the chocolate and maintain a healthy weight. Self-control is lacking here. grrrr (hate admitting weaknesses).

So about yesterday. You're probably just dying to know what it was I was planning to share with you. ;)

Yesterday, I learned that my friend Kate was right when she told me that the universe provides. You see, at the beginning of March I received a speeding ticket. It's the 4th one I've had in the past 30 years. The other 3 were well-earned. By that I mean that I was speeding, and deserved the tickets. In each case I really wasn't paying attention to my driving, twice I was actually just driving along admiring the scenery. (Once was Fall leaves in blazing, glorious colors, the other time was Winter tree limbs etched with snow and ice. Both just beautiful.) Anyway, this time, I was being careful. You see, awhile back, Master gave me a wonderful car to drive. It's small, rather unique in that they didn't make many of them, and fast. Really fast. Built with more than just a fast engine, it has all the other things that make race cars fast like suspension and brakes and other technical things. As He explained to me once, if a car is going to go super fast it has to be able to stop super fast too. I'm sure that's a supreme over-simplification of the engineering that goes into these kinds of cars, but it's really as much as I need to know.

Ok, so anyway, to make a long story short (too late!) since I got this car, I've learned that the police really do use profiling, and really will pull over a car like mine just for jollies. It looks fast therefore it must be fast. Funny thing, they walk up to me, I put the window down, they're towering over my tiny little car, and as they bend to look into the window and talk to me, they realize they're not talking to a young man out joy-riding, but a fat, middle-aged woman on her way home from work. And they caution me about not going too fast, or some other such nonsense which they have no evidence of (no radar, no nothing) and then they give me a warning and send me on my way. So, I've learned to be very careful in this car, I'm tired of being detained for no reason. On the day in question, I was traveling a road near home, well known to all in the community as a road they frequently patrol - it's residential. I was carefully making sure I did not exceed 5-7 miles over the limit. And the officer pulled me over anyway, and claimed I was traveling 16 miles over the limit. 16! I was shocked. I had no idea (God, I'm so naive) that an officer would lie about what his radar-gun thingy said.

Well, I knew enough to shut up and just say yes officer blah blah blah. But I was still livid. I remained livid. Actually I am still pretty frustrated at the injustice of it all, but then again I'm the first to admit that Fair is just a place where pigs go to win blue ribbons. And obviously, since I'm not prone to receiving speeding tickets, I chose to go to trial. Yesterday was the day of the trial, and I left work early and drove myself to traffic court. 2.5 hours later I was free to go - all charges against me dropped. Of course it wasn't really vindication or anything, but the result is the same. I was found not guilty because the officer who wrote the citation did not show up. I didn't even have to pay court costs. And that is why I know that the universe does provide. In our legal system, there is nothing I could have said or done to change the situation. There's no arguing with the cop, no explaining to the judge, no nothing. It's one of those times when the fact is we're believed to be guilty and there is no way to prove innocence. So I thought the best I could hope for was a Probation Before Judgement, which would mean I wouldn't get the point on my license. But instead, I got better. And I'm glad. Well ok, so everyone would be glad, that was a silly thing to say, but it was a deeper sense of justice having been served, and some of my belief in the overall goodness of the universe was restored. (Yes, I'm that simple, lol.)

When I arrived at home after court, I took some photos of the azalea and rhododendron outside. On Mother's Day W/we worked in the yard, hacking away at the vines and weeds and dead stuff which were over-taking the yard. I assumed these bushes were done for the year - they had buds which turned brown without ever opening and I hoped only that they would come back to life next year. But the very next day they were both in bloom. Gorgeous bloom! See for yourself:

It was gratifying to see such good result from O/our efforts, W/we worked very hard but it was worth it. And I'm pretty sure there's a parable or lesson to be learned here too. Perhaps one that will tie in with the speeding ticket/vindication and the quote above too. I bet if I looked hard enough I could find how all these events speak to me of second chances and renewal. That just because I took the easy way out in the past doesn't mean I will always take the easy way out, it's never too late to start new. The universe is just waiting to help me.

Lessons taught and left unlearned until the right time, and then all the lessons converge at once to reinforce the message. Small steps can have big outcomes, it's never too late, and second chances do exist.

Class Act

2011-05-11T19:47:00.000-04:00

Constant change. Learning always. Looking for the new, unexplored, better, improved version of everything, including self, and all the world around us.

It's my quest, and struggle. This mindset leaves me dissatisfied with sameness and the status quo. It leaves me uncomfortable with victim mentality whenever I encounter it. This way of thinking can be challenging. And sometimes the temptation is to just forget about it. Let it all go. Accept that "it is what it is" and not worry about looking for ways to improve life and self.

And then I read something like this quote:

I wanted a perfect ending.

Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems
don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making
the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

Delicious Ambiguity.

*– Gilda Radner*

Gilda Radner was a talented and classy lady who lived life fully, loved, laughed and did all the good she could. She faced her unexpected and premature death with courage, and lived every moment. She and her husband inspire me (Gene Wilder), and reading a quote like this, filled with bravery and the willingness to embrace all of life, in spite of the dreadful icky stuff. Ovarian cancer did not turn Gilda into a bitter, angry person. How then, can we, allow problems far less significant to do that to us?

When we can answer that question for ourselves, and see the truth of the quote above, we will have many of the answers that we seek.

Thank you Gilda. Your legacy lives on.

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Don't Make It Be OK

2011-05-05T18:25:00.000-04:00

The DailyOM today talks about the words we use when others apologize to us, and how our tendency to say "Oh it's ok" or other words to that effect, almost give the person permission to do the act again. I'm one of those who tend to say "it's ok". It's easier, it ends the difficulty, there's no more conflict, it's less uncomfortable. I'm also someone who believes semantics matter. For example, I detest hearing a teacher state that they gave a student a grade - because they didn't just willy-nilly assign a grade, the student EARNED the grade. So I do think the words we use matter. Only I never realized that telling someone who has wronged me that it's ok, was one of those semantics. Here's the article, see what you think. I think the part about "sitting in our feelings rather than ignore them" is key for me here. Owning my feelings, allowing and accepting and not stuffing them down inside seems huge to me.

May 5, 2011
Empowered Forgiveness
Apologies

If we can remember that our response to others is important, we can realize that trust and forgiveness go hand in hand.

In life there will always be times when we are affected by the actions of another person. When this happens, we often receive an apology. More often than not we say, “It’s alright,” or “ It’s okay,” and by saying this we are allowing, accepting, and giving permission for the behavior to happen again. When we say “thank you,” or “I accept your apology,” we are forced to sit in our feelings rather than ignore them.

There are many of us who feel that it is easier to brush off how we really feel than to express our discomfort with something that has happened to us. While this may initially seem like the best thing to do, what it really does is put us into an unending pattern of behavior; since we are not honest with another person, we continue the cycle of letting them overstep our emotional limits time and time again. By doing this we place ourselves in the position of victim. We can put an end to this karmic chain by first acknowledging to the other person that we accept their request for forgiveness; often a simple “thank you” is enough. To truly create a greater sense of harmony in our relationship, however, we need to gently, and with compassion, express our innermost concerns about what has transpired. By taking a deep breath and calling upon the deepest parts of our spirit, we can usually find the right words to say and verbalize them in a way that lets the other person recognize the consequences of what they have done.

If we can remember that our response to others is important, we can begin to realize that trust and forgiveness go hand in hand. And when we react in a way that engenders a greater amount of honesty and candor, we will establish a more positive and empowering way of being and interacting with others.

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Quick Change Artist

2011-05-03T21:24:00.000-04:00

Just a short time ago - on the 25th of April to be exact - I was working in the yard with the neighborhood teen who cuts our grass. He was handling some major vine and weed removal for U/us. The trees along the back edge of the property were still just sticks of brown and gray rising to the sky, the quarry behind them visible as it is all winter. It's not crystal clear since it's quite a ways back, but still somewhat visible.

A few days later, this past Saturday - on the 30th of April to be exact - I went to the back door to let the dog out into the yard, glanced to the back of the yard (where the sun rises) and realized that W/we had privacy. Suddenly we were returned to O/our summer time curtain of lush greenery. No sign of the quarry.

I'm sure it was gradual, but it seemed sudden. Perhaps I need my glasses prescription strengthened, perhaps I shall just enjoy the beauty of nature. The seasons and changes are at once both predictable and anticipated, while also managing to be a source of wonder and surprise. OK - maybe not surprise, but I'm still always in a state of marvel when the first perennials of Spring pop up out of the ground, or the leaves turn to flaming reds and golds in the Fall. This could be me being naive - I mean duh! - the seasons change every few months here where I live. But maybe it's me taking delight in the natural world. Or maybe it's just that I get caught up in the busyness of life that I don't notice the beauty of the natural world day in and day out. So it takes an event like this to make me stop and pause and appreciate.

It's probably a combination of all of those maybes. After all, I'm nothing if not complex. So I think I shall just be grateful for the seasonal wake-up calls. Those blooms and buds and bursts of color and snow and light that allow me the chance to get a little more in tune with the natural order of things. That's the stuff that helps me realize that trials and tribulations are fleeting and not terribly significant, even when they seem as if they are. It helps to be reminded that the problem of the day really will "never be seen from a galloping horse", to quote my grandmother, (and where she got that from I surely don't know.)

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Does Size Matter?

2011-04-25T15:13:00.000-04:00

:)

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420???

2011-04-20T15:55:00.000-04:00

I know I'm not very hip when it takes me years to catch on to something everyone else seems to know about. Man, I got to get out more, or read more current events stuff. idk - something.
:)

Nah, I'm not worried, I'm as hip as I need to be, and having never been into the marijuana scene, I can see why I'd be clueless about 420. It just isn't relevant in my world.

Then again, what if, let's just say, hypothetically, the government would consider legalizing the use of the stuff. Wouldn't that impact my world? Not because I'd start using, I seriously doubt I would, but because I think there are positive benefits to be reaped from such a course of action.

Let's start with money. Usually I end with that, because I do believe that everything boils down to money in the end. But we'll start with it here, because really, it runs throughout every part of this.

If it's legal - then legitimate businesses can sell it - making money - and reaping sales tax income. That's good. Since it's no longer illegal to grow, buy, sell, use, then we won't have to pay the armies of people who are engaged in catching and convicting the people who are engaged in growing, buying, selling, and using. That's good too. And then of course, courthouses, judges, lawyers, etc, will not have their time taken up with these cases, (don't forget all the clerks and aids etc) and that will save money. That's also good.

So, I don't pretend to have all the answers, and I'm sure there are negatives here too. But do they outweigh the positives? Let's take one example - that people will use the stuff without obtaining the official permissions (through a Dr). In other words, they will use illegally. OK - ya got me - but isn't that what they're doing now anyway? Why yes it is. People who want to use are going to use. Little things like laws won't stop them. Why not let the public coffers benefit from legalized sales for legitimate purposes?

Young people will have access to the stuff. Again, probably not any greater access than they already enjoy anyway. It's the same reason people tried to outlaw alcohol. Doesn't matter, if the child wants to try it, there are ways to do so. Only naive people think you can stop someone from doing something they want to do by making a law that says it's illegal.

Just look at illegally obtained and used handguns. There are plenty of laws regulating how they can be sold (and to whom) and regulating the carrying of the guns in public (concealed and open carry) but that doesn't stop the criminals who want a gun from getting one and using it how they choose to use it. These folks are all aware of the laws that say they can't have the gun, or use it in the commission of a crime. The laws don't stop them.

So back to the 420 thing - there is no one who labors under the illusion that it's legal to be involved with the stuff (except in those forward-thinking places which have already legalized the process) yet people everywhere do still grow, buy, sell, and use. Let it go. Make it legal, collect the revenue, and turn your attention to more important matters.

This, my opinion, brought to you by me, someone who has never used, never bought, never sold, and never grown. And never anything else associated with the industry. I just know that keeping it illegal will not prevent the things it is supposed to prevent, and legalizing it will not turn everyone we know into a pothead.

But at least I know what 420 means now. :)

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Ponderables

2011-04-18T12:25:00.001-04:00

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the clerk where the self-help section was located. The clerk said if they told me it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf child signs swear words does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gasoline station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have a “S” in it?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can an Atheist get insurance against “Acts of God”?

Spring Break

2011-04-17T16:51:00.002-04:00

What a relief! It's Spring Break and I'm off until the 26th. It's a mental relief for sure.

I attended the funeral yesterday for the lady I previously mentioned. What a lovely service celebrating her life. I spent a great deal of time before and after the service greeting friends and family whom I've not seen for years. It was good to be in a place where I am loved. That is the only thing I miss about church. The dogma and doctrine and perversion of what and who God is, the human-made rules and edicts that distort the true meaning of a creative spiritual truth drove me away, and keeps me away. The sense of family and community are what I miss.

Truly, spring break, springtime in general, and memorial services celebrating life, all remind me to dwell on the renewal, and rebirth, and life. These things bring me back to the roots of my relationship to Master, to the dragonflies W/we love, the symbol of new life. All that is old is new again.

At the moment, I don't feel physically or mentally or emotionally renewed. I'm hopefully believing that a week away from work will help me recharge the energy stores and refill the empty sand bucket of me.

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Happy Birthday!

2011-04-13T17:48:00.008-04:00

I am officially 1 year older today.

I don't know why, but I'm feeling strangely threatened by this particular year marker. 47. It FEELS older than 46 did to me. I don't like it. The last time I felt threatened by my age was when I turned 29. I felt old then too.

Ages at which I felt joy? 40. 41. 21 and 18 and 16 of course as society makes such milestones of them. 10 was a big year in my family. Living a decade was an event. I don't recall any upset with 30, or any other age in the 30's. My forties haven't bothered me. Until now. Odd that, at least to me it seems odd. And I'm quite confidant this feeling will not be with me next year. There's just something about this age, this year, something not based in rationality, it's just a feeling (feelings are by definition irrational.)

And really, wouldn't being older be a good thing in light of a birthday spanking? I mean, an extra spank is an extra spank. Right?

oooooo - I almost forgot - have been enjoying a song by Rhianna these days. It's called "S&M". Gee, who would have guessed I'd like that? :)

Feels so good being bad
There's no way I'm turning back
Now the pain is my pleasure cause nothing could measure

Love is great, love is fine
Out the box, outta line
The affliction of the feeling leaves me wanting more

Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it
Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me

Oh, I love the feeling you bring to me, oh you turn me on
It's exactly what I've been yearning for, give it to me strong
And meet me in my boudoir, make my body say ah-ah-ah
I like it, I like it

Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it
Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me

Happiness

2011-04-12T21:04:00.000-04:00

Today’s DailyOM talks about happiness not being the same as being free from worry or problems.

It’s so true. Choosing to be happy doesn’t mean the problems aren’t there, it doesn’t de-value the problems, or mean that they aren’t significant.

Nor does choosing to be upset about the problems, and worrying about them, make the problems MORE significant. Spending time in “Oh woe is me land” does not mean my problems are worse or more problematic.

What dwelling in the problem does, is rob me of the energy to cope with something I cannot change. And it robs of me of the ability to change that which I can.

And it just doesn’t matter what the issue is or the nature of the problem. When we focus on the worry, pain, upset, fear, you-name-it-insert-emotion-here, we’re no longer able to change it, or accept it or move on.

If we CAN make a change, then our energy should be in bringing that change about.

If we cannot make a change, then we are best served by accepting and then working around the situation.

And yes, you are free to (and welcome to) remind of this when I get to “oh woe is me-ing”!

Best illustration of all this is my Mom. Many years ago, it was clear to many people that her health would betray her. Some of that is genetics, much of that is due to choices she made in relation to her health and the way she took care of her body. But it is what it is.

So as she progressed along the path of poor health, I tried to help her cope with each new disability she faced. I attempted to help her make the subtle changes and use the tools available that would allow her to remain as independent and mobile as possible, for as long as possible. Her consistent response, every time, be it something big or something small, was “No”. She didn’t want to give in to it, and didn’t want it to be her reality.

No shit Sherlock. Me neither. Never wanted a crippled Mom. And since I can’t change that reality, let’s accept where you are now and find ways to work around it and allow you the opportunity to still do all that you want and need to do. It almost seemed that if she complained about the problem she thought it would go away.

No such luck. She’s a hard egg to crack. And so now, some years later, she’s slapped in the face with even worse and more debilitating disability, and no way to cope. And another choice –to go live in a foreign place with my sister – adds to the difficulty. And I have figured out why she did that. My sister, not able to accept Mom’s reality any more than Mom could, was telling Mom what she wanted to hear. And Mom, wanting to believe that fantasy rather than deal with reality, bought into it. And now they are both miserable. And I can’t help them.

In the midst of all this, I choose to be happy. I will not allow this drama to impact my happiness. Oh sure, I have compassion for them, and will continue to put my energy into doing whatever I CAN do to assist and help. But I will not allow their need to grumble about reality and be unhappy drag me down. I just want to yell at them to choose happiness. Paste a blankety-blank smile on your face whether you feel like it or not. It certainly can’t hurt the situation. Won’t make it better, but neither will moaning about how awful it is.

I get that we can’t all be practical people who just get on with things. Some of us aren’t wired that way. But I refuse to accept that we do all have to choose misery instead of happiness. And knowing that I can’t choose another person’s issues for them, and I can’t make someone be happy, all I can do is focus on keeping my own equilibrium and happiness intact.

Not always easy, my heart aches for people. One of O/our friends once told me (when I was crying over her break-up with her master) that I always was the one in our group who felt things. It’s true, my ability to feel the emotions of loved ones can be a disability if I’m not careful. I have to remind myself that it’s one thing to be happy for someone or sad for someone, and another thing altogether to internalize those feelings.

But one of the ways I cope is through readings like the DailyOM which help keep me grounded, and through this blog. The place where I can let it all spew, knowing that it’s always better out than in! ;)

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Ups and Downs

2011-04-07T18:40:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.

True that. Although we are often taught that the difference is really about our attitude and perception of the situation and not the actual circumstance.

Not sure that's entirely true. I do agree that the way we react to and respond to circumstances can make a big difference in how the situation goes forward. Or at least, how we feel about the way the situation progresses. But sometimes facts are facts. Mom fell, was admitted to hospital, left there for a nursing home, and is now, finally, almost 2 months later, returning home. This is a positive and good development, a happy thing. Definitely a windshield moment, after having been a bug moment when this all started.

I suspect that many of life's bug moments can turn into, eventually, windshield events, in time. In fact, I think I'll just claim that little gem. Good can and will result from bad. It must, I insist, I need it to be true.

Earlier this week a young man from the church I used to attend, and am still a member of, and still have ties to, died. This young man is the same age as my son, is an only child, like my son, and was returning home from college. Such a tragedy. Beyond bug. And windshield simply must come of it. I don't know how or when or why, but I must believe that at the end of the day, the Universe will help us to bring good out of that dreadful event.

Today, a woman who was a second mother to me all my life, lies dying, with hospice caring for her needs. She isn't ill exactly, she is simply so very old (more than 90) and her body and organs are just worn out. They aren't working properly, not due to illness or injury, but just because the parts are old. And were she considerably younger, the repair people would be replacing and fixing. But with her advanced age, they can't. She told them last night to stop trying to make her better and let her go. So home she went, with hospice, to live into her next life. I like that. She isn't dying to this life, she is living into her next one. She's not waiting to be the bug, she has chosen to be the windshield all the way through to eternity. What an inspiration. She leaves such a tremendous legacy.

Sometimes, when we're having a bug moment, we are hurt and we cry. I think it's natural for our emotions to be expressed. It's more than natural, it's healthy and necessary to express our feelings. Not so helpful to keep them inside. And I also think windshield moments can result in tears too. The tears and fears and hurt seem to mostly come from dealing with the changes, sometimes sudden, that are part and parcel of these bug and windshield moments. Throughout all of them, we can celebrate life, and know that life really is good, even when it hurts.

Bug or windshield, doesn't really matter, it all comes out in the end.

There's another saying like that one - Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger, sometimes you're the ball. mmmm...that's a yummy thought...I like being the ball. :)

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Here's One!

2011-04-06T16:21:00.000-04:00

I read this in my email at work today - and determined that it was something I wanted to share here - and now look - I remembered it and am sharing it! Woot! :)

The years of our life do not arrive all at once; they greet us day by day. With the descent of each setting sun, we are able to rest our heads and let the world take care of itself for a while. We may rest assured throughout the night, knowing that the dawn will bring with it a chance to meet our lives anew, donning fresh perspectives and dream-inspired hopes. The hours that follow, before we return to sleep once more, are for us to decide how we want to live and learn, laugh and grow. Our lives are sweeter and more manageable because we must experience them this way: one day at a time.

Imagine the future stretching out before you and try to notice if you feel any tension or overwhelm at the prospect of the journey still to come. Perhaps you have recently made a lifestyle change, like beginning a new diet or quitting smoking, and the idea of continuing this healthy new behavior for years seems daunting. Maybe you have started a new job or are newly married and can feel an undercurrent of anxiety about your ability to succeed. If you can shift your focus from what may happen years down the line and return it to the day that is before you right now, you may find a measure of calm and renewed confidence in your capabilities. You may also discover an inner faith that the future will take care of itself.

The way we show up for our lives today and tomorrow has an enormous affect on who we will be and what we will be experiencing years from now. If we can remain fully engaged in the day at hand, enjoying all it has to offer and putting our energy into making the most of it, we will find that we are perfectly ready and capable to handle any future when it arrives.

This was the DailyOM for today, entitled "Stepping Stones, One Day At A Time". It struck me on many levels. First, the obvious, that I need to live in the present moment, fully aware and in that moment. Worrying about the future or the past doesn't serve me well.

And that led me to thinking about little and big things alike that I allow myself to get caught up in. One simple example is the last entry I made, where I'm trying to figure out how to remember to blog more of the things in my head. Perhaps I don't need to worry about it. Perhaps it's OK to write when I remember to, or have time too, and it's OK to not write also. And perhaps, if I decide I really want to blog more, it's OK that I write about things that aren't always fascinating. Maybe it's OK if I write about mundane things.

I think that final paragraph really spoke to me - although the whole thing spoke volumes. But the idea that worrying about the future can actually cause problems in the future is not new (we've all heard of self-fulfilling prophecies) but it was a thought I needed to be reminded of today. And the words used - "The way we show up for today has enormous affect on what we will experience in the future" (paraphrased) - captured my attention. Perhaps just hearing a well-known thought expressed in a different way can make me sit up and take notice.

I also really like the way the first sentence is worded, the way it rolls off my tongue, the way the words reassure and calm. "The years of our life do not arrive all at once; they greet us day by day." They grab me, and remind me that the future unfolds slowly. The words also tell me that the future will "greet " me - cheerfully and pleasantly, and isn't something I have to dread or fear.

So there you go - something that may not be very fascinating for anyone besides me, but it was a reading that I needed at a time I needed it, and I REMEMBERED to share it after I got home from work. I'm happy with myself and proud. No pouting today. I think I will give myself a gold star!

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Timing Is Everything

2011-04-05T17:29:00.000-04:00

So often I'll have great ideas about something I want to share on the blog. Well, ok, I think they are great ideas. You don't have to agree.

But. I'll get these great ideas while I'm busy doing something else. Something that precludes being able to actually share the great blog idea here. And I'll remind myself to write it all up later on when I can. And then I never seem to remember.

I've written so many blog entries in my head. But they never seem to find their way here, into the actual blog.

POUT!

You'll just have to trust me that I get great ideas about interesting and delightfully riveting things to share. Because I seem to be good at being in the wrong place at the wrong time and unable to get those ideas written down.

And in case any of you are thinking of possible helps/solutions/things I can do which will help me get more of my great ideas into print, let me tell you about the typical scenario. Usually - I'm driving. No chance to type or write a quick reminder. Not allowed to use a handheld cell phone (for the voice memo feature.) grrrr

Another typical scenario - I'm at work, and either something someone says or does, or some email I receive, touches me and I think I could share, but I just simply don't have the time right then - combined with my inability to log into anything blogging related courtesy of the IT policy which blocks most websites.

By the time I get home, there's usually so much to do, and not enough time or energy. So, I think I need to make blogging a priority, setting aside the time and energy to let thoughts flow. Just deciding to sit down and write something usually results in a mental block the size of Montana. So just setting aside time isn't enough, unless I have the idea already fomenting, percolating, and ready to burst forth.

I could be wrong, but it seems to me that I need to figure out how to remember the great ideas, and that then the time and priority for writing will naturally evolve. But I don't know if that's true or if it's a cop-out. Perhaps the best way to know will be to figure out how to remember the ideas, and then I'll see if the writing flows or not.

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Male Influence

2011-04-02T14:14:00.000-04:00

I may have been surrounded by males just a tad too much. :)

Being the only female, living with a grown boy child and Master, and frequently having a houseful of teenage boys, I have found that they have all rubbed off on me.

I realized this clearly the other day at work, when one of my employees (a woman, as they almost all are) said something about her duty. And without even thinking or missing a beat, my mouth uttered (in my best Beavis and Butthead impersonation) "Heh-heh,she said doodie."

My employee looked confused and not sure what I was talking about, nor what she should say. I just burst out laughing, and apologized, and steered the conversation back to the work-related duties. But at that moment, I knew that Master and my son, in their sillier boyish moments, had indeed changed me.

Whoo-boy. Looking forward to whatever comes next, but also feeling the need for some girly-ness. :)

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For The Herons

2011-03-21T16:30:00.000-04:00

A lovely walk along the waterfront in the little town of Havre de Grace near my home allowed Master to capture this image. And I had to share. This lovely Blue Heron made me think instantly of Swan, T, and Tom, hoping that your vacation is wonderful.

Oppression

2011-02-19T14:29:00.000-05:00

I've just returned from the mountains of western PA, where I spent a couple of days taking care of Mom and sister. Mom had a bad fall, face-planted in the middle of the night in her bathroom. Woke up in a pool of her own blood.

All her other hospitalizations and illnesses have happened without her asking me to come to her. This time she asked. So I went.

She's so tired of the effort of living. Everything is so difficult for her, physically. She's over it. And discouraged. When she's aware.

What is it about cities in the mountains that are so depressing? Especially the old coal-towns. Everything is so dark, the sky, the building materials, the whole environment is dark. Even when the sun was shining, everything felt dark.

And what is it about the mountains above and all around me that make me feel so pressed in? I don't live in a completely flat environment, but it sure seems so once I'm out there. Here in the central MD region things are more open and gentle, even when there are hills and such. It's easier to breathe here, I don't feel claustrophobic, things are easier. I realize now another reason why I like visiting Las Vegas so much - it's the flat and wide-open space.

But my feeling of being oppressed by the environment, while it is physical, is no less real than Mom's feeling of being oppressed by her body, age, and disease. I have it a lot easier than Mom does. I can rid myself of the oppression just by coming home. Mom can't flee her body.

And all the while, my sister is struggling mightily with her own demons. It's intolerable to her that Mom is not able to be the young, vibrant, energetic, decisive woman she used to be. Sister is not prepared nor able to accept this chapter in Mom's life. More the pity that she is Mom's primary care-giver. And I can't fix any of it.

Seems like a little bit of oppression all around these days.

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Good Vibrations

2011-02-12T23:09:00.000-05:00

There is something deeply soul-satisfying about driving alone with the car stereo turned up enough so that the throbbing bass vibrates the doors and mirrors.

I don't know why. It just fills me with contentment.

:)

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Answers?

2011-02-09T19:44:00.000-05:00

Sometimes problems can seem insurmountable. I think I get caught up in all the worry and twists and turns, and end up stuck. Like the proverbial cat who can't fight his way out of a paper bag.

There's a song by One Republic called "Secrets" that I like. It offers this gem:

"Til' all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said"

And it strikes me how like me that is. I get so caught up in my rightness, my clarity and how accurate I am, how I can see the best path, and then I need to prove that I knew best and I was right if only people would do as I say. I get caught in that, stuck in the paper bag, and I can't get out, often not until my sleeves are running with the blood of those I've injured with my rightness.

I don't mean to be that way. And I promise myself I'll just smile and bite my tongue. I remind myself of what I used to tell my son when he was about 9 or 10 years old. He too, had the need to correct others and explain what was right to them. And I told him that it was OK to be right on the inside and not share it on the outside. That people, his friends, don't need him to always be the answer man. And I didn't even understand where he got that behavior from. Must have been his biological father.

And tonight, I am shocked to discover that it's me. He got it from me. No wonder he looked at me like I had two heads when I told him to stop being the know-it-all. omg. How was I unable to see myself in him? How was I so focused on that splinter in his eye and unaware of the log in my own? omg.

I gotta say, it's hard to breathe right now.

And the I hear Bonnie Bedelia, who plays the role of Camille Braverman on "Parenthood", tell her granddaughter Haddie to go back home. (Haddie is a teenager who is upset with her parents and left home to go live with her grandparents.) Haddie explains to her grandmother that she doesn't want to go back home because her parents still feel the same way, and she hasn't changed her mind either, and nothing is fixed or solved. Camille tells Haddie, "Just go home. Go because they love you and you love them. It doesn't have to be solved, it's not math."

And I hear that, and I want to be a little easier with myself and forgive myself and let go of my upset that I've hurt others with my rightness. I want to be perfect. And I'm so far away from perfect it's not funny. I know it's not all solved, I know I won't be different quickly, it will take a lot of effort. And it may require bloodying my own tongue instead of letting the truth out to bloody others with.

This is a journey, and I think it's going to take awhile. I know it doesn't have to be perfectly solved like a math problem, at least not any time soon. But I still want to try. Because honestly? This hurts. Realizing this less than pleasant trait of mine hurts. A lot. Which I know is partly because I hate that I've hurt others, I am in many ways one of the most compassionate and gentle people on the planet. And to realize that my tongue has caused pain to others, kills me. And I think it's also because it hurts my self-image, and the image that I want others to have of me, that I'm perfect. That I could never do something as nasty as hurt someone else. That just doesn't mesh with how I perceive myself and how I want others to perceive me. So it attacks my fragile little ego. :/ But I also think it hurts my pride to realize that I'm not perfect. So this little unplanned self-discovery tonight is a three-pronged whammy that has me reeling.

*sigh*

Well, I guess all I can do is move forward, and let go of the past. I can try anyway. It's not my strong suit. Wish me luck.

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Organized

2011-02-08T17:02:00.000-05:00

Why do humans need to organize?

Why, when they do organize, do they make a mess of it?

Most can easily see that these questions are brought to my mind by pondering organized religion. And no matter what religion you consider, mankind has made a mess of it. The spiritual world is best accepted on faith, and there are many aspects of it that humans simply cannot fully understand. It seems religious leaders love to try to do so though, which generally causes negativity in the physical world including (but not limited to) oppressed humans, wars, fear, and failure to see the divine in all.

But I've also found that the same need to organize, and mess made of the attempt appears everywhere. Government, politics, civic groups, neighborhood groups, book clubs, you name it - anytime it gets organized there are problems. It's really not just with religion. And I know society needs organization and rules to function, really I do. I'm not naive. But I do wish we were more tolerant and gentle and loving with one another. I wish that individuals were a bit more altruistic, and less willing to be out for their own gain. I wish that people weren't subject to needing to exercise power over others in order to feel good about themselves. I wish that people checked their fragile little egos at the door before harming another. Words as well as actions cause harm. Thoughtlessness and ignorance cause harm. Selfishness and stupidity cause harm.

It's enough to make me want to live on an island where others can't hurt me, and where I don't need the rest of the world. But that is naive thinking.

The one place I (very naively) believed would be free of such organizational blundering and negativity was within the BDSM community. hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa-gasp-stopdon'tmakemelaughIcan'tbreathe!

I was used to it in religious and political and other social places, after all, I was brought up with such things and thought they were normal. But when I "discovered" the "Scene", I thought that mess was all behind me because people in the Lifestyle, being considered "different" and "not normal", "kinky" and "weird" would be totally tolerant and loving toward others. Whoa Nelly, not so at all. Shew. Getting into the organizations we discover the same messes (perhaps in microcosm) that exist anywhere else humans are organized. gah.

Is there an answer? Nope. Is there anything to be done? No, not really. Human nature is what it is. The only person I can affect any change in is me. (Well, and hopefully I raised the child to be more tolerant and open-minded, but that's a different matter.) I can only take care of how I interact in the world, and only control my own actions. I choose to believe that my thoughts and actions send ripples of energy out into the cosmos, so I choose positivity. Even though sometimes things seem bleak and I don't feel very positive. In the end I don't think my negativity helps at all, so I work on making positive choices.

Wish me luck - and join me.

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Why Sentence Structure Is Important

2011-02-07T22:09:00.000-05:00

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people:

Mary or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said,
"Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."

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Circles

2011-02-01T13:57:00.000-05:00

So much imagery relating to circles. Expressions and sayings and explanations using a simple circle.

Collars and wedding rings all reflecting on the way we 2 are united and flow into a mystical one-ness.

Wagon trains circling the wagons for safety, better to keep everyone within the circle away from harm.

The family circle, that place where we are supposed to be safe and united in the bosom of love.

How about the great circle of life which can be quite joyous and quite sad by turns?

These thoughts float through my head as I meditate upon the comings and goings of friends and loved ones, the changes and twists and turns of our lives that see us happy and contented upon a plain of life, and then take us to places of despair. And it seems we will be in the darkness forever, while it seems as if the places of light will last forever. In truth neither one does last, but flows, in the blink of an eye, into the next passage of life. The circle continues and flows.

The seasons of life that allowed me to experience a vibrant and decisive and intelligent mother are passing into another season of alzheimers. The comings and goings of my mom can be challenging to experience. I never know who I will speak to when I call. When she' s there, I want to weep with the joy of having my mom back, and just bask in her presence. She has such insight and keen intelligence, always helping me to make sense out of the world. But when she's not there, I want to sob with the pain of loss. Mostly I ache for her, for her awareness that she is diminished and frustrated and trapped and feels a victim by her physical limitations and her mental failings. I do think I would be somewhat comforted if she were completely away, and not suffering with the knowing that she's lost. At the same time, I don't want to lose my mom. Not ready for it. At all. No one asked me if this was OK. And it's not.

My Dad's life was here one moment and gone the next, and it staggered me. The shock took long to wear off, and foundations of my life were almost destroyed. He was young, I was young, there was no warning. No time to prepare. It took so very long to heal, I guess I still am healing, but it's much better now, even though I'll never not miss him. And I don't know how this prolonged, protracted going away will take with Mom, I don't know how much she will have to suffer, nor how her actual passing will be. I suspect very different than the feelings I had when Dad died, I suspect there will be a feeling of relief and gratefulness that she is no longer fighting and suffering.

All in all this circle thing can suck.

OK, not really.

Look at how it brings blogging friends back who've been away! That's good, very good. I believe it is the wisdom of such friends that ultimately help me through some of the darkness. The universe is so very good to provide just what we need, from the "pen" (ok make that keyboard) of real time strangers who are virtual friends. So often we blog and have no idea (NONE at all) of how our words will grow in the heart of another. And that is such a gift to strangers - willingness to share your heart here, so that I (someone you've never met face to face) may read it and gain wisdom and strength and courage for her own journey. Talk about a circle.

So I may be in for a bumpy ride for some years to come with Mom, and I thank you in advance, for the words you will nurture me with without even knowing it. I thank you for writing as you are led -not knowing how that will touch others, because I know it will touch me as it has in the past.

And we come full circle. Again.

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Just Breathe

2011-01-23T19:52:00.002-05:00

Take a moment, have a break, enjoy an interlude. This is a beautiful song, let it speak to your soul the way it touches me.

Anna Nalick, "Breathe (2AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season."

Yeah we walk through the doors
So accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass
Glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl
So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe
Just breathe
Oh breathe
Just breathe

May, he turned 21 on the Base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year

Here in town you can tell he's been down for awhile
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it

'Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass
Glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button boys
So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe
Just breathe
Oh breathe
Just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel
You shout, 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made
You'll just make them again
If you only try turning around

2 AM and I'm still awake writing a song
If I get it all down on paper
It's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary
Screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass
Glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand

And breathe
Just breathe
Woah breathe
Just breathe
Oh breathe
Just breathe
Oh breathe
Just breathe

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Pavlov's Dog?

2011-01-18T16:14:00.000-05:00

W/we've been enjoying a show called "The Big Bang Theory" for the past few months. Enough so that the earlier seasons were purchased on dvd and have been watched thoroughly over recent weeks. :)

One episode in Season 3 features Sheldon using behavior modification practices to change some of Penny's behaviors that bug him. He uses chocolates, offering her one every time she behaves the way he likes. At the end of the episode, Penny convinces Leonard to do something she wants, with the promise of sex, at which point Sheldon discovers that sex is an even better behavior modifier than chocolate. He's quite surprised and wonders aloud if anyone else has discovered this.

ummm...

Well, yes, Sheldon, I think others may have discovered this nugget of wisdom, but perhaps the domly types around here are better able to speak to that than me. ;)

Imagine that! Using sex as a means of controlling another person. Who knew? :P

..

Boom, Boom, Boom

2011-01-12T17:27:00.004-05:00

Even brighter than the moon!

Have you heard this song yet? Seen the video? Read the lyrics? It's just an amazing and powerful song, that inspires me and, I must confess, makes me cry a little!

So of course, I have to share it with you! :)

When the day comes that you wonder if you matter, or if you're relevant, remember, that you ARE a firework! And you make us all say "Oh, oh, oh!"

Thank you Katy Perry Brand for sharing this beautiful song.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Perception Is Everything

2010-12-31T13:22:00.000-05:00

It seems that perception really is everything. Different people perceive things differently. This has been brought home to me in many ways lately.

First, the situation with my sister caring for my Mom. A little frustrating for me, I have some measure of clarity that won't penetrate my sister's tinted lenses of what she needs Mom to be instead of honestly accepting where Mom actually is.

I also realized recently that my problems with my dog are partly due to perception. She is my own dog's sister. They were litter-mates, a litter of 8, he was the alpha of the group, she was the runt. He came to live with me, she went to live with my parents. Soon after my Dad died, and she lived with Mom. 2 years ago my big guy died in my arms, and I miss him so very much still. A short time later, due to Mom's aging and health, her dog came to live here. It's been a rough couple of years, every interaction I have with her reminds me of how much I miss him. She comes up lacking day in and day out.

The other day, W/we were visiting with friends who have a female dog also. She's so sweet, and extremely submissive, as is my dog. And that's when it hit me, I don't relate well to submissive dogs. Give me a strong alpha dog, I'm fine. But a submissive dog? Nope.

Yet she is likely the perfect dog for some other personality type - just not mine!

Perception is everything. The facts of the situation don't change, just the way we view it. I hope my sister can come to terms with Mom's reality rather than continuing to struggle with what she wants it to be. And I think I'll go pet my dog. It's not her fault that she's submissive, or that she lives with me now.

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Weekend!

2010-12-04T11:36:00.000-05:00

Woot!
Love the time off. :)
Lazy mornings together, doing nothing unless W/we want to. Time to relax. It's good.
It's a beautiful, cold, clear day here, the child unit seems to be doing well, the parent unit is muddling through, and really, in spite of the list of things that W/we wish we could change or were different, Life is Good.
Now if I could just figure out a way to have the dog clean up her own fur which she shares so generously all over the house!

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Curiouser and Curiouser

2010-11-23T17:33:00.000-05:00

Item seen at the grocery store:

Vacuum cleaner bags labeled "S & M"

:)

Must confess I had to chuckle out loud as I walked by.

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Monday Monday

2010-11-22T17:53:00.000-05:00

Always loved the sound of that song by The Mama's and The Papa's. :)
Wasn't as crazy about it after carefully reading the lyrics, but it's still beautiful.
They sure did make a beautiful sound together.

After work today I stopped to pick up groceries, and after getting them home and put away I started cleaning out the child's room. In just the 3 months that he's been gone I started using it as the place to put the stuff I didn't have the time to put away, and things that didn't really have a place. That's all well and good, but he's coming home tomorrow! (I may have mentioned that, not sure.) ;)

2 more days of work, and then Wwe're off for a 4 day weekend - woohoo!! Thursday will of course be spent with extended family observing US Thanksgiving. I'm hoping for a relaxing and happy time. Going to try really hard to let go of some of the interpersonal family struggles. Basically, I'm planning to ignore the whiny people, at least while they're whining. :)

W/we're already completed a big chunk of O/our Christmas gift shopping, so that's nice to have behind U/us. Just need a few minor remembrances, the child, and each other. Amazon usually helps make a lot of this fairly easy. I'm hopeful that the gifts which require a lot of time actually out shopping are behind us. The online stuff is a breeze.

Hoping everyone has had a lovely Monday, and that the rest of the week is grand.

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Quickie

2010-11-20T21:23:00.002-05:00

So I realized that I've gotten very comfortable with and accustomed to Facebook.

I know this is true because when I'm reading elsewhere, around the bloggy places or on sites like the collarme message boards, I find myself searching for the "Like" button to click.

:)

Seriously, sometimes I don't want to post a full-out comment, I just want to share a liking for or agreement with something someone said.

Maybe someday "Like" buttons will be all over and not just on Facebook.

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Success!

2010-11-20T11:51:00.003-05:00

:)

I've been dissatisfied with, of all things, my purse/shoulder-bag/pocketbook (not sure what everyone calls the female handbag, so I thought I'd provide an assortment of names.)

And by dissatisfied, I mean really irritable about the difficulties it presents to me. It was once a beloved bag, for many years, but right now it's just not serving my needs. I suppose I've changed, it's not the bag it's me. :P

Regardless, I've had a lot of trouble finding a bag that will work.

Until last night.

W/we had dinner out (just LOVE date night with HIM!) Yummy food, relaxing experience. And even though we were both tired from the work-week when we met at the restaurant, (He drove straight there from work and I met him there,) by the time O/our meal was finished W/we were refreshed enough to wander through one of the department stores nearby.

And that's when He found THE purse. The one for me.

It's really silly how excited I am about having a new purse - it's bordering on idiotic goofiness to be honest, lol.

But sometimes it's the little things, I think, that mean so much.

Oh and by the way, Mom has improved enough to go home. She's been in a variety of hospitals and care facilities since the end of September, so this is a big deal. :)

And the child is coming home from university for the Thanksgiving Holiday. W/we didn't even have to beg him (well Master wouldn't have begged, but I might have, lol.) W/we're both thrilled at the thought. Don't get me wrong, W/we really enjoy being alone here in the house. But it's always worth any inconvenience to have the child unit home.

So see - some little success and some big success, perhaps there's a pattern emerging? :P

..

Routine Is Good

2010-11-14T08:35:00.003-05:00

So there just isn't a lot to write about. I'm not sure there's anything to write about that's worth reading.

Mom continued to deteriorate after the gall bladder surgery, never improving the way she was expected to, and in fact worsening. Sadly, my sister was focused on herself and not Mom, and allowed things to get really bad. Mom eventually landed in the ICU for a long time, where they finally figured out she had a bleeding duodenal ulcer. A really large, really deep, really big, gusher of an ulcer. This is what was wrong previously when she was diagnosed as needing her gall bladder out, and it worsened and worsened. She suffered from mal-nutrition for months (she wasn't able to eat!) and also with severe blood loss. I lost count of the units of blood she was given in the hospital, over 20 in the weekend I was there alone.

Anyway, she's in rehab now, trying to regain some strength and ability. It's a tough journey for her, and the weakened state she was in due to the lost blood and lack of nutrition have taken a toll, a non-refundable toll. There is much less strength and ability and mobility, and she will not be able to regain those things, between her age and the RA. But her mind is back with us, for the most part. And she still has many years to contribute to this world. Hoping that soon she can go home.

And the young son away at college? He's doing splendidly. No episodes of IBS have occurred, at least not that he's mentioned. He's had one head cold, and is all better now. His acne has cleared up, he's doing well in classes, I'm trying to remind him that it's OK if he earns less than an A! I'm not sure why he's still a little wired about grades, I never have been obsessed with them. Hoping he learns to just do his best.

Life at home is routine. W/we go to work, W/we come home, there's dinner, and laundry, and pet care and stuff. W/we've both been dealing with minor nagging illness, nothing serious, but energy sapping when combined with work and life in general. Would be nice to just pause and rest and get well, but sadly, nothing has been serious enough to warrant time off from work, it's just nagging and enervating.

W/we will both be fine though, full recovery is coming, I know it is.

It seems that many of us around blog-land are experiencing this lack of worthwhile writing material. Life happens, and it's not often very glamorous or interesting (I know you don't care to hear about me having both headlights burn out at once, driving with my bright lights on, and spending an hour in a car repair shop waiting room while they replaced the burnt out with new!)
:)
Or about the dinners I've cooked, or the ones that Master and I have cooked together. Of course they've been delicious, but seriously, who wants to talk about or read about normal daily life events.

And yet, that really is what life is made up of. Normal routine, nothing special. Perhaps we all need to change our mindset a little so that we long to hear about the run-of-the-mill. Perhaps that would help us all move away from the need for drama in our lives, and be content with calm, usual, normal, simplicity.

Do you think maybe that's why we don't write, or don't feel we have anything interesting to write about? Because it's not dramatic and marvelous and complicated?

Really, I'd love to read what you have to say about the cookies you baked or the show you watched that had you laughing so hard (Big Bang Theory does it for me.)

I'd love to know that you successfully performed car maintenance yourself instead of paying a man to do it for you. (I hate that I had to pay someone to replace lightbulbs, of all things!)

I'd love to hear about the "normal" daily stuff you do that makes up a life. It's not ground-breaking or earth-shattering (love those phrases) it's just routine.

Because routine is life, and it's how we live our ordinary days that determines our special days.

So let's write. It's OK if we have no insights to share. No thoughts that will change the way we view the world. It's OK to write about little things. And it's OK if we don't have big things going on. It's good to let it all go, let go of the need for drama, and the dissatisfaction with our lives. It's OK to be content with the day in and day out sameness and ordinariness.

I look around the inter-webs, and realize that we all want to be significant. We seem to search for relevance. I think we look in the wrong places for those things. We are each relevant and significant, just through the fact of our existence. It's time to slow down and embrace that, and choose to revel in our ordinary days.

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New Rule

2010-10-07T16:57:00.002-04:00

OK, so I've established a new rule.

You do not get to complain about what a terrible situation you are dealing with, if I have been warning you for a long time that this situation was developing, and would continue and worsen.

If you ignore me, you do not get the luxury of moaning and complaining to me, I will not give up my precious time and energy to you. I have a limited supply, and I choose not to waste it on nincompoops.

Seriously. I know everyone has to learn their own life lessons, yada, yada, yada. I simply cannot give more of my own limited resources to listen while you complain about the choices you made. I would be happy to commiserate if the situation were out of your control and just happened to you. But when you create the situation, after I've explained to you the perils of that course of action, you're on your own.

And while my sister will never read this, I had to write it. I think mostly it's a reminder to me that I am not obligated to let her spew her disfunction all over me. I didn't create her problems, and I could have, in fact, prevented some of them, and would gladly help her work through some of the others. But allowing her the time and space in my life to dump all her negative feelings has to stop.

So this is a reminder to me. I have a new rule, and for my own sake, I need to follow it. I have got to protect myself, and the best way to do that is through establishing this boundary and sticking to it.

Wish me luck.

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Oh My!

2010-09-21T20:00:00.002-04:00

On the way home today I saw a bumper sticker which made me laugh out loud, marveling at the brashness and openness of the owner of the bumper sticker. It said, "I'd rather be FISTING".

A lot of thoughts in a very short time whipped through my mind. First was, "Wow, should we really be saying that out loud like that?" I mean, generally, we keep lifestyle activities a little more quiet.

Next was, "Well, good for them that they are comfortable being that open with their lifestyle choices." Some people are completely open with the world about their BDSM identity. I admire that choice, even as my professional life would not allow that for myself, nor would my family and vanilla friends appreciate having to know private details like that. I doubt any of them would actually object to the lifestyle choice, just the decision to discuss those private details with them. They would also really think it distasteful to have a bumper sticker calling attention to it.

Around the same time was memories of Fisting demonstrations I've attended. Which brought to mind the people involved in teaching the class. :)

And the last thing that entered my mind was the realization that the bumper sticker really said, "I'd rather be FISHING".

Oh boy.

I need my eyes checked!

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Glitter In The Air

2010-08-29T15:28:00.003-04:00

This song touches something deep inside, and I've been wanting to share it for a long time. Stuff and life prevented that, until today. Odd for me to have more than one entry in a day, but I'm not going to stop the muse when it tells me to share!

Glitter In The Air, by Pink

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it.
Have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
And the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone?
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La la la la la la la la

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight

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Bizarre Bazaar

2010-08-29T09:42:00.002-04:00

So there's been a large assortment of emotions running through me these days, a bazaar if you will. A veritable smorgasbord of feelings. I think the main culprit is the child unit going off to college. He's living about 3 hours away now, on campus, and has embarked on a new chapter of his life. Which in turn means I've embarked on a new chapter of my life. And there is such joy and excitement in me for him at this step along his life path. There is also sadness and intense heartbreak in me for me at this step along my life path. It's more than a bit bizarre to be so happy and so sad all at the same time.

As I think I mentioned before, I do know all this is normal, and will certainly pass. Time will reassure and reduce feelings of anxiety.

Contributing to the bazaar of course is my recent marriage to Master. And that's been talked about a lot too, and as with children growing up, emotions surrounding marriage are normal also.

And then, Mom had a couple of emergency visits to the hospital followed by surgery, and is now undergoing a very slow recovery at home. Supporting my sister and Mom through this difficulty is emotional as well.

And let's not forget that I remain unhappy with my job, and continue to seek a new position. I don't dislike the work or the industry, but am not happy with the state of affairs within the department and those I work for. I dislike being micro-managed, and this has recently grown worse as the ineptitude of the micro-managers has grown. Trying to maintain a positive approach each day at work taxes my best acting skills. Seeking (and not finding) a change in job and/or career has been disheartening too, but I hope that in time I will find success.

So, lots of things a-swirl in this Tapestry, and the combination is quite bizarre. I'm not naturally bi-polar, so the roller coaster ride can be exhausting. I much prefer a drama-free zone for my life. And so I work hard to keep all these roiling emotions in perspective, reminding myself that all will be well.

Another thing I have found to be bizarre lately is the seeming increase in Anonymous comments around the blog-land. Since we can create a profile and a name (which are in fact anonymous) how lazy is it to not even bother and just comment as an anonymous person? Seems odd. But what's far worse than remaining anonymous in a comment, is the need of some of these folks to spew vitriol. None of the blogs I read would object to someone sharing a comment that disagreed or expressed an opposing view. But all of them (and most of the readers) do object to having such views stated in a nasty and abusive way.

I find the dichotomy of remaining anonymous combined with the attention-seeking aspect of the words they use quite interesting. There are elements of power hunger, need for control, and lots of abuse contained in the way some of these folks write. If they really wanted to give any validity or authority to their words they would not remain anonymous. This combination of behaviors is a full-on buffet of psychological illnesses, or perhaps manifestations of an illness. A bazaar of the bizarre as it were.

The best advice anyone could follow in dealing with these types of people is to dis-engage. Do not reply to, do not acknowledge, just ignore. Delete. The whole point of what these people do is to get attention. And if the only way they can get that attention is by behaving poorly, then so much the better. But truly, the only way for them to ever stop or go away is if they get no satisfactory response (which means no response at all) from their remarks.

It's a complete power trip for them to see that they have the ability to upset, hurt, and enrage someone else. Anyone else. They are happy to upset the blog owner for sure, but they also gain pleasure in upsetting other commenters. Don't give your power away to them. Don't reply, don't acknowledge, just ignore and/or delete. It's truly the only way to be rid of them. If they are, in fact genuine, they will find a way to share an opposing point of view in a courteous and civil manner.

One of the hardest things for humans to accept, I think, is the fact of their powerless over other people. This applies to the bloggers as well as the commenters. Just let it go, there really is nothing to see here folks, keep moving. I mean, do we really need to re-state the obvious that if you don't like what you read here to go away and don't read here? And do we really need to re-state the obvious that polite discourse does not include verbal bludgeoning of those you are addressing?

This whole phenomenon amazes me, and I find it bizarre. But I also know that this pattern comes and goes. Just be patient, these small-minded, weak, and impotent little people will tire of their games and go away. If you ignore them.

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Moving Forward

2010-08-18T11:40:00.002-04:00

For Cookie

It takes a lot of courage
to release the familiar and seemingly secure,
to embrace the new.
But there is no real security
in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security
in the adventurous and exciting,
for in movement there is life, and
in change there is power.
-Alan Cohen

Sometimes, moving forward doesn't mean leaving people behind. Sometimes moving forward is all about letting go of behaviors and thoughts that no longer serve us well. Good luck Cookie!
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Friday :)

2010-08-13T15:01:00.002-04:00

It's good to be Friday. If I were a day of the week, I think I'd like to be Friday. People look forward to the arrival of Friday. :)

This is a wonderful and weird Friday for me all rolled up into one. Today was the last day of work until the 23rd - so a week off before the school year starts up. I'm ready. For the week off. And probably for the school year to start up again too.

But today is also the day my Mom is undergoing emergency gall bladder surgery, and while they're inside, her hiatal hernia (did I spell that right??) will be repaired. Should be fine, she's got very healthy internal parts generally speaking. But at 78, and with advanced, crippling RA, nothing can be taken for granted. But I'm confident all will be well.

Today is also the day my son is traveling home from his vacation in Orlando, FL. His first time going away without me. He stayed a week with his girlfriend, they had a great time. I'm proud of them both. So next week, he and I will be trying to get ready for him to move away to college.
He'll be fine, and I know somehow all the financing and other details will work out. I'm confident that all will be well for him.

And yet my stomach drops to my knees and feels very sick at the thought of him moving away from home. I know this is normal and I'll be fine too. But at the moment, it's weird. I mean, he can't live with me forever - well ok of course he CAN, but I don't want him too. Well ok, maybe I DO want him too, lol, but I don't think that's in his best interests. :)

aacccck!
I mean, omg how do Mom's cope with this fleeing the nest thing?!
It's ok, I'll be fine, lol.
No cause for alarm here folks, nothing to see, keep moving.
What's a mild panic attack between friends?

I'm a little torn, because I know if my Mom or sister need me I'll be traveling to PA to care for them. But how inconvenient, since this is the week I need to get my son ready for college. And therefore, the last week I'll get to spend with him, living together, in the same house. Maybe forever. It's entirely likely that he'll be spending his time off from college with his girlfriend at her home. And he's talking about working and living with her during his summers off.

But if Mom needs me...
ugh

A little background. Mom was a very independent and busy woman while my siblings and I were growing up. She didn't have much time for us. And I longed for the type of relationship with my Mom that my girlfriends had with their moms - where they did things together like shopping and painting their nails and hair appointments. Girlstuff. And they talked to one another about things. Important things and silly things.

But that wasn't to be, it wasn't my Mom's style, and I was foisted off on my Dad to take care of when he wasn't at work. (Yes, I'm sure that's how I became such a Daddy's girl, lol!)

So, knowing how that lack of an involved mother affected me, how the fact that she wasn't and didn't care to be present in my life hurt my feelings, I set out to parent the way I wished to be parented. Now no, of course my son didn't go in for the girly stuff either, lol. But we have always been close. And we did things together, and we talked. About everything. We understand one another (I'll admit though that he understands me as well as a self-absorbed teen-ager can, lol.)

And I've been able to take care of him and do things for him - things that weren't done for me. And I've been able to help him through trials and tribulations, sometimes only able to hold his hand while he worked it out, but still, the one he's always known he could count on.

So who's going to do that for him when he's away at college? And who's going to keep bad people from hurting him?
Oh I know, it's all up to him now. And I know that's how it should be, and it means I've done a good job as a parent in preparing him to face the world on his own two feet. But I don't want him to go out there.
Ok there I said it. Are you happy now? ;)

sigh

What is so alien to me is his need and desire and readiness to leave home and enter a new phase of his life which is away from me. I never (not ever) wanted to be away from my parents. I lived at home during college. After I was married the first time, we lived close to my parents, and spent our time with them.

And while I think (intellectually) that my son's path is the healthier path (compared to my obsession with my parents) that doesn't mean I understand or "get-it". In my head I do. But in my heart I'm baffled. And in my gut I'm sick.

So I think it's time to keep the head in charge and tell the heart and gut to chill. They need to trust my head. Because it is good and right for a son to move away from Mom and out into the world. Don't we all make fun of the 40 year old virgin living in his Mom's basement? I wouldn't want that for my own son, I want him to have the joy of seeing all the wonder life has in store for him. And if he's prepared and ready to move out to meet the world, then I've done my job, and well.

But you know, there's that tiny voice in the back of my head that keeps asking just what's wrong with a 40 year old virgin living at home in mom's basement, roflmao!

.

The Knot Is Tied!

2010-08-06T22:56:00.002-04:00

The event was lovely, just as low-key and relaxing as hoped for. Which is real good since the journey to O/our honeymoon was a bit draining, lol. W/we had a lovely time though. This work-week has been just a little rough around the edges due to the slow recovery from jet-lag and re-establishing normal sleep patterns. But so very worth it!

I've been realizing (slowly) that some of my self-worth issues are still alive and well, even if deeply hidden. It came to my conscious mind while dealing with gifts, specifically the receiving of gifts for O/our wedding. And it reared it's unattractive head more than once and with a variety of people. It seems that I'm uncomfortable receiving gifts. Extremely. The feeling of unworthiness is quite strong, even though it doesn't like to be called by that name.

Apparently, calling our demons by name, recognizing and calling them out, is important. Demons like to hide behind politeness and niceties so they appear to be other than a demon. So, I'm working on naming it, holding it accountable, and banishing it from my psyche.

I know there will always be bits with me, but in time I hope the positive and healthy will easily conquer the negative and unhealthy. I am worthy. Of gifts, of mental health, of happiness, and all things bright and beautiful! (My new mantra.)

:)

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Countdown!

2010-07-13T17:29:00.003-04:00

Well, things are getting closer, the wedding is almost upon U/us, and final arrangements are in need of taking care of. I remain surprised at how many details there are to sort out considering the small, relaxed, casual, intimate event W/we have planned. But no worries, it will all work out.

The most difficult thing to accept has been the decision by one of Master's brothers to skip the wedding. He, his wife, and their children will be leaving that morning for a week-long sporting event in another state. W/we had given everyone the date far in advance just to avoid such situations, but alas, no luck.

As Master has only his two brothers (both parents are deceased) this is quite a blow. W/we are by turns hurt, angry, and sad. Probably some other emotions too, which W/we certainly need to accept and feel and process, but which are ultimately best let go of since there is nothing we can do to change it. Hopefully time will heal the wound.

In the meantime, I'm working, trying to take care of the details of getting my son ready for university in August, trying to get the wedding details sorted out, and working to find time for myself. The need to chill and relax and recharge the batteries is great upon me, even if finding the downtime is not so easily accomplished. This time spent here and reading around the blogs is sort of downtime, often something I find relaxing and refreshing. Right now I'm sad to say I'm doing 2 other things at the same time. Perhaps it's time to close for now.

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Not Sure Why

2010-07-02T20:26:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, after a long day, I just want to be comfy, and feel safe and protected.

Call me a slow learner if you must, but I'm always surprised when I ask Master if I may wear one of His shirts, and He very generously says "Yes!" Not surprised that the answer is yes, just surprised about how much He seems to like it when I wear one of His shirts. :)

It's a mystery alright.

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Occupied

2010-06-17T16:23:00.004-04:00

The sign on the door said "Occupied".

I need a sign like that for my brain. :)

Keeping me busy right now - work, extra busy/stressful End-of-Year close-out due to a major construction project, the likes of which I haven't encountered at work before. I'm required to completely empty the facility and prepare the space for the contractors. In addition to all the normal end of the school year stuff. ick. The kicker is that this project was kept secret from me for some reason until a couple months ago, so this major load of extra work has been a surprise that I wasn't given enough time to plan for. My mind seethes with all the things I must make sure are taken care of. The good news is that tomorrow is the end, and I can put it all out of my mind.

Upheaval with my son. First, plans for a vacation with 3 other friends, which involved him driving them, in my car, a long way away, for a week's vacay. That was a lot to prepare for, and I was stressed inside worrying about the what-if's. To alleviate the what-if worries, I requested that the other 3 families sign a traditional hold-harmless agreement/release of liability. One family refused, and they then canceled the trip - this was the family with the connection to the condo the kids were staying in.

Wow - the drama was way beyond anything I'd encountered or expected, and you know me, I felt like the bad guy even though I wasn't. shew. Anyway, the planned week didn't come through, but Master has a timeshare He will exchange for the kids at a later date so they (minus the 1 child of course) can still go. I mean - the mother who refused actually hung up the phone on me! Who does that? But it's all good, Master and I will find a better way to get the kids to Harry Potter at Universal!

And of course, wedding planning. I'm trying not to let this be stressful, and mostly succeeding. There's just still a lot to do, that's all.

Hope all is well for each of you. As Elle has reminded us, being busy is not bad when we view the busy in a positive light. The bits and pieces and busy-nesses of life are part of the Tapestry which is ever-evolving. I am not the same now as I once was, and I will not be the same later as I am now. And the beauty of the picture which is being woven and created, my Tapestry, is that it improves and blossoms with every new thread.

(On a house-keeping note, I've been forced to turn comment moderation on. I apologize, but be patient, and your comments will be reviewed and made visible as quickly as possible. This is has nothing to do with my actual friends and friendly commentors, and everything to do with spam-type things.)

..

Insight Is Good

2010-06-13T16:05:00.002-04:00

When our minds are cluttered with too many thoughts and information, our bodies respond by trying to take action.
Several of us in this inter-web community are routinely inspired and enriched by the Daily OM, a daily email inspirational newsletter which we subscribe to. One day this past week, the newsletter began with the words above, and even before I read the whole thing I knew it was resonating deeply within me.

I recognized instantly that I need to be more conscientious to both slow my body, relaxing in order to feel, acknowledge, and process all the things swirling in my head; and also to slow my thoughts and feelings so that I could give each of them the appropriate time for dealing with them as well as giving my body the chance to settle down.

It just struck me as a very catch 22 type situation. I'm mentally and emotionally stressed, and my body reacts by jumping up and down, carrying on a great fuss, and ends up run down and ill.
And so while I'm physically ill, I'm completely unable to sort through the mental and emotional stuff, that it just sits there simmering, and possibly being repressed.

I think also, that when there's too much crowded in there, it's like an over-crowded classroom, where 1 teacher is trying to meet the needs of 60 students. It's just not conducive to learning, development, nor growth.

So.

Thank you to the universe for providing that timely reminder. And to Elle for sharing about climate change.

Now to settle in and consciously slow down, and acknowledge, feel, and probably most importantly, breathe!

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Fortune Cookie

2010-06-05T21:35:00.003-04:00

Master brought Asian cuisine from Pei Wei home on Friday night for dinner. (Yes, I already know I'm a very lucky little girl, you don't have to tell me!)

The food was, of course, delightfully yummalicious. Pei Wei includes the obligatory fortune cookie with every meal. My fortune last night read:

"You will soon emerge victorious from the maze you've been traveling in."

Immediately I reflected on all the little dramas and trials and tribulations I've been battling lately, (all very well documented here, lol.) And I decided that those little dramas are the maze from which I will be emerging. I'm claiming it, so be it.

And that made me happy.

A little later, Master broke open His fortune cookie, and this is what it said:

"The best times of your life have not yet been lived."

And that was just the icing on the cake as far as I'm concerned. :)

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Real Winners

2010-05-21T11:03:00.002-04:00

“The real winners in life are the people who look at every situation with an expectation that they can make it work or make it better.” ~Barbara Pletcher

I’ve never given much thought to the fact that I do view everything in life with the thought that I can improve the situation. I constantly search for and strive to find a better way of doing something, (better being that which improves the outcomes, the processes, or the quality of life for those involved.)

I guess that makes me a winner

:)

Cool beans!
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That Daily OM Again

2010-05-17T11:28:00.007-04:00

I know Elle shares the Daily Om message from time to time, and I know everyone can get the email inspiration for themselves each day, but I’m still going to be redundant and share this, because it really spoke to me today! (And after all, this is my blog, tee-hee!)

*****************************************************************

May 17, 2010
Letting Life Unfold
Present in the Progression

Try to allow your life to unfold like a flower rather than worrying and making predictions which cause stress.

Our lives are guided by natural rhythms that are particular to each of us and cannot be altered by force of will alone. Life itself is a journey made up of processes and events that manifest before us only to be swept away when time marches on. Whether we envision ourselves creating a career, building a family, or developing the self, we instinctively know when the time has come for us to realize our dreams because all that is involved comes together harmoniously. When the time is right, the passage of destiny cannot be blocked. Yet as desperate as we are to touch these beautiful futures we have imagined, we cannot grow if we are not fully present in the evolutionary experience. The present can be challenging, uncomfortable, and tedious, but life unfolds as it will, and the universe will wait patiently as we make our way into the unknown.

The fate that awaits us is not dependent on our pace, which was preordained before we ever appeared in human guise. Therefore there is no reason to rush through life to reach those pinnacles of development associated with the paths we have chosen. Enjoying and fully experiencing the journey of life is as important as achieving goals and reaching milestones. There are lessons we can learn during those moments that seem immaterial or insignificant that we cannot learn at any other time. Appreciating these takes patience, however, because human beings tend to focus on the fulfillment of expectations rather than the simple joys of being.

Like many people, you have no doubt longed for a device that would give you the power to fast forward through certain periods of your existence. Yet haste is by its very nature vastly more stressful than serene fortitude. When you feel yourself growing impatient because the pace of your development is deceptively slow, remember that everything that will occur in your life will occur in its own time. Quelling your urge to rush will enable you to witness yourself learning, changing, and becoming stronger. There is so much to see and do in between the events and processes that we deem definitive. If you are patient enough to take pleasure in your existence's unfolding, the journey from one pinnacle to the next will seem to take no time at all.

*****************************************************************

Given the turmoil and turbulence in my life lately, this really shouted at me! No silly little whisper of truth for me, this was a brick wall. I think allowing things to unfold in due time is so powerful, and so completely at the heart of all my unrest. When I look back over the past few entries here, I realize that it is my own lack of being able to control the many situations that is provoking my stressful reaction. Letting go and allowing things to unfold naturally will bring me that illusive inner peace and tranquility I’ve been missing. (By the way, if you’ve seen Chocolat – the movie I mentioned in a previous entry, you’ll hear the word tranquility pronounced in your head the way I do – “tran-key-eh-tay” – or something close to that!)

I’m going to be working on letting life unfold like a flower.

Let’s see what blooms!

Rose Anew

2010-05-16T19:50:00.003-04:00

A lovely song I've known for many years, and never given much thought to was played on the radio today. Listening to it I was struck by this line:

"You remain, my power, my pleasure, my pain."

The song is "Kiss From A Rose" sung by Seal, a beautiful song, which has taken on new meaning for me today. Master is indeed my power, my pleasure, my pain.

Also meaningful:

"You became the light on the dark side of me."

"When it snows, don't you know, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen."

Enjoy.

.

Drips

2010-05-13T17:27:00.003-04:00

I think someone should figure out a way to have a lending library for the kindle. I won't just buy every book out there on kindle, I look for the free or really cheap ones. I'm used to borrowing books and returning them, at no cost. Really special books are purchased for keeps, and books on the bargain table at Barnes and Noble are purchased. Of course those are usually read and then given away for others to enjoy. Can't do that with my kindle. It's a whole new thing for me to explore, this kindle. Someone should figure out a cyber lending library. I'm sure there's a way to do it. If anyone cared to try.

Oh, and some of the mental turmoil has abated. Don't get me wrong, there's no difference in most (if not all) of the situations that were churning in my head, but I'm doing a little better with reacting to and processing those situations. I knew from the get-go that it wasn't the situations that were stressing me, but my reaction to them. So, I don't know how or where, but in the last 24 hours I've regained a small bit of my usual inner calm. I'm not completely back to normal, but I can tell I'm coping better, and feeling a little more like myself. shew! :)

Ugh - my shift key is sticking. If I miss a capital letter just pretend - it's a pain, lol. Do you KNOW how hard it is to type in passwords?? You know, the ones which show up as little bullets or asterisks. And they include a variety of lower case, upper case, numbers, and symbols? And you can't see that the shift key didn't work, lol!

Read a great quote today from Rob Reiner. I feel like sharing it, so here it is:

"Everybody talks about wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that's a lot. Because if you can fix yourself it has a ripple effect."

True that.

.

Where She Stops Nobody Knows

2010-05-12T15:39:00.005-04:00

My mind dribbles here and there. The dribbling is either the reason I am struggling with peace and serenity lately, or else it's the by-product of same. I'm not sure.

Son was in his first car accident. Not his fault, and not very serious, and still shook him up.

Car repair issues related to the accident, as well as overall car repair needs for an aging car with 140k+ miles on it that he drives to work, on trips to his girlfriend in another state, and anywhere else he needs to go. Mostly just routine and normal stuff, it's been an excellent car, purchased new in 2001, so no way to complain, but troubling since money is an issue at the moment. Little by little things are getting repaired, hopefully in order of priority safety-wise.

After the car accident, the next weekend he was out of state and drove through a pot hole by mistake. Problem is the rim of one of the wheels was broken (not bent, broken - and he wasn't driving fast, the pot holes were just horrendous!) So, stranded out of state, I went to get him and brought him home, while ordering new wheel. Took him back and forth to work everyday, and when new parts were installed, his girlfriend drove partway here, where we met her and came the rest of the way home. She came with and spent a week with us.

Money we didn't need to have to spend on wheel and repair, and additional travel.

Onslaught of car repair issues with our other 2 cars. Sadly, Master and I both work far from home, with different schedules, so carpooling is difficult at best. So in addition to the expense of the repairs (which W/we didn't need) add in the rental car.

Of course, the already mentioned issues at work. And the Mom things. And son preparing for college in the Fall (he did score amazingly high on his ACT entrance exam - proud mommy moment, lol.)

Yanno. Just stuff. Not handling things as well as I'd like, and thinking some of my ill-health issues are more related to the stress than anything else. And of course, when I say related to the stress I really just mean to the way I'm coping with the stress, which is not as well as I usually do, nor as well as I'd like to.

Last month Master gave me a kindle for my birthday. Loving that. Didn't think I would. I love to read, but I love books. They are living things to me, the smell of the pages, and the feel of them in my hand. Something very substantial about paper and the printing. Turning pages. And my collection of lovely bookmarks. But surprise surprise I love the kindle. Just finished downloading another book - thanks to Gillette for the prompting. The Prophet (Gibran) now resides in my kindle, and I can carry it with me everywhere. Yes, I already own the book, but this way it's easier to have at my fingertips! And without adding anything else to what I'm carrying around I have other books to read in there too. Yes, I really have other interests besides planning a wedding, lol.

Although that is of course always on my mind. Have NO idea what to wear! Well strictly speaking that isn't true, definitely will not wear a wedding gown/dress or anything traditional. W/we really do want something very low-key and unweddingish.

Had wonderful Mother's Day dinner, at same restaurant booked for the wedding actually. Then all 3 of us got food poisoning over the next 2 days. oh noooooo. Cannot even contemplate that happening at the wedding! Have eaten there a lot though, and never happened before. Let's keep a happy thought there.

Son attended Senior Prom with his girlfriend (her school, he's been out of school for a couple years.) So W/we drove out and stayed in a hotel to be there to help him get tux on and took pictures. Had to arrange for the tux, pick it up and take it there, along with her corsage. That was a busy weekend. The kids looked amazing, and they had a great time. I'm glad I went, even though it was hectic. Especially since her parents couldn't be there for the event nor the week leading up to it. They were away on business and couldn't get back. Made it very important for Master and I to go.

Work - cannot even begin to describe the craziness there, but it wanders through my mind all hours of the day. Just as the home stuff wanders around in my head even while I'm at work.

The daggone dog is not merely shedding, her fur is just falling out in huge clumps. There is fur all over this house. Literally. I'm thinking I should gather it up and send it one of those groups that makes booms for the Gulf oil spill. In the meantime, who has time to clean it up constantly? And so it just gets worse. ugh.

Son brought me lovely flowers and a card for mother's day. I didn't really expect anything from him, so that was a delightful surprise. I can see them as I type, and they are lovely.

I wonder if Chloe is ok - I haven't seen any update on her blog, and I'd love to know the answers to the movie thingy. Well, and to know that she's ok too, lol.

The diet has stalled. Time to get re-motivated. ugh.

And keep on looking for a job. That has me stymied. Tough economy to change jobs, but need year-round work, closer to home would be good too. Nothing within my industry, so need to start a new career - that's likely the scariest bit here, along with needing to keep earning at least what I earn now. Hard to do. Not giving up, and trying not to get discouraged.

There's so many other thoughts, all dis-jointed, all stuff running through my head. I will be fine. Not used to all this stress and drama though. Need peace and tranquility. Think this is a good time to watch the movie "Chocolat" again. Any little thing to guide me toward that peace.

Elle was a delightful dear and sent waves of Zen out today - a little something inside me relaxed when I read her entry.

I keep breathing. And I keep letting go. Again and again. And relaxing and breathing. Still haven't found the lasting peace I'm accustomed to having. Trusting and hoping there are lessons to be learned and wisdom to gain from this turbulence. I like the other me better though.

At 46, I wonder if any of my reaction to stress can be attributed to hormonal things? And how would I find out? And if so what to do about it?

See? My mind just won't stop.

Perhaps a xanax would help.

.

Yes Pat, I'd Like To Buy A Vow

2010-05-08T08:18:00.002-04:00

This is a solicitation. ;)

I'm looking for inspiration and advice and ideas and suggestions and basically, your help. Yes, YOU!

So ok, you already know W/we're getting married. And I may have mentioned O/our plans for a very tiny, small, little, minor, casual event. So W/we decided on the barest of minimum guest lists, (which includes son and his girlfriend, O/our 1 remaining parent, siblings and their families, and O/our 4 closest friends. A lovely restaurant that's a favorite spot, and an officiant that is a childhood friend of mine.

Here's where you come in. Having a bit of trouble over the vows. Do not want traditional religious ceremony vows. Not the appropriate setting to go full-on BDSM style vows, so where to find examples of ceremonies and vows which would fit and still represent U/us?

I'm just drawing a mental blank about the ceremony wording itself, and O/our vows. Writing O/our own would be fine, but I need to see some samples and examples to get me started. Who better to ask than all of you? Some of the most creative people I've ever known, talented writers, great thinkers, wise individuals one and all!

So, HELP!

:)

And, THANKS!

.

Turmoil

2010-05-05T15:41:00.003-04:00

So lately I've been not quite myself. I've been that bitchy-teary-eyed-stressed out-moody-monster from hell that is exhausting to cope with. For those around me, and for me too. I intensely dislike this person.

I've been trying to figure out what's causing it all, so I can overcome and get back to being me. It seems there are far more stresses and frustrations at work than I normally have to deal with. And there are some issues relating to Son and his future plans (which are rapidly approaching, and are the beginning of the end of him living with me.) And there are things to do with Mom, and her unhappiness, and my lack of control and input and ability to affect any change. In a very real way I have lost my mom.

And I hope that finally identifying what is causing my upset will help me find acceptance and peace and tranquility.

One huge help today came in the form of an email from Master. I had written to Him that,

"I am absolutely feeling very fragile and on the verge of tears, the stress must be really getting to me."

And He replied,

"Oh sweetie!
Do you need me to come over and kick some ass?
I’m all out of bubblegum!
Huggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
xoxoxoxoxoxo"

How awesome to have someone so in my corner and on my side. I was completely clueless about the bubblegum, but thought He was terrific to volunteer to get my staff into shape.

But I did ask about the bubblegum. It seems that it's a line from the movie, "They Live" which had the following line,

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum."

All I'll say is that every little girl deserves to be protected and fought for that way, and I'm very grateful.

Here's hoping I regain my equilibrium and inner peace real soon!

.

There's No Such Place As Far Away

2010-05-04T19:19:00.003-04:00

by ~Richard Bach

Rae! Thank you for inviting me to your birthday party! Your house is a thousand miles from mine, and I travel only for the best of reasons...a party for Rae is the best and I am eager to be with you.

I began my journey in the heart of the hummingbird you and I met long ago. He was friendly as ever, yet when I told him that little Rae was growing up and that I was going to her birthday party with a present, he was puzzled. We flew for a long while in silence and at last he said, "I understand very little of what you say, but least of all do I understand that you are going to a party."

"Of course I am going to the party," I said. "What is so hard to understand about that?" He was quiet, and when we arrived at the owl's home, he said, "Can miles truly separate us from friends? If you want to be with Rae, aren't you already there?"

"Little Rae is growing up and I am going to her birthday party with a present," I said to the owl. It felt strange to say going like that, after talking to Hummingbird, but I said it that way so Owl would understand. He, too, flew in silence for a long time. It was a friendly silence, but as he delivered me safely to the home of the eagle, he said, "I understand very little of what you say, but least of all do I understand that you call your friend little."

"Of course she is little," I said, "because she is not grown up. What is so hard to understand about that?" Owl looked at me with his deep amber eyes, smiled, and said, "Think about that."

"Little Rae is growing up and I am going to her birthday party with a present," I said to Eagle. It felt strange to say going and little after talking with Hummingbird and Owl, but I said it that way so Eagle would understand. We flew together out over the mountains, and soared the mountain winds. At last she said, "I understand very little of what you say, but least of all do I understand this word birthday."

"Of course birthday," I said. "We are going to celebrate the hour that Rae began, and before which she was not. What is so hard to understand about that?" Eagle curved her wings into steep dive-flaps and stepped to a smooth landing on the desert sand. "A time before Rae's life began? Don't you think rather that it is Rae's life that began before time ever was?"

"Little Rae is growing up and I am going to her birthday party with a present," I said to Hawk. It felt strange to say going and little and birthday after talking with Hummingbird and Owl and Eagle, but I said it that way so the hawk would understand. The desert poured by far below us and at last she said, "You know, I understand very little of what you say, but least of all do I understand growing up."

"Of course growing up, I said. "Rae is closer to being an adult, one more year away from being a child. What is so hard to understand about that?" Hawk landed at last upon a lonely beach. "One more year away from being a child? That does not sound like growing!" And she lifted into the air and was gone.

Seagull, I knew, was very wise. As I flew with him, I thought very carefully and chose words so that when I spoke, he would know I had been learning. "Seagull," I said at last, "why do you fly me to see Rae when you know in truth I am already with her?"

Seagull turned down over the sea, over the hills, over the streets, and landed gently upon your rooftop. "Because the important thing," he said, "is for you to know that truth. Until you know it until you truly understand it, you can show it only in smaller ways, and with outside help, from machines and people and birds. But remember," he said, "that not being known doesn't stop the truth from being true." And he was gone.

Now it's time to open your present. Gifts of tin and glass wear out in a day and are gone. But I have a better gift for you.

It is a ring for you to wear. It sparkles with a special light and cannot be taken away by anyone; it cannot be destroyed. You are the only one in all the world who can see the ring that I give you today, as I was the only one who could see it when it was mine.

Your ring gives you a new power. Wearing it, you can lift yourself into the wings of all the birds that fly - you can see through their golden eyes, you can touch the wind that sweeps through their velvet feathers, you can know the joy of going way up high above the world and all its cares. You can stay as long as you want in the sky, past the night, through sunrise, and when you feel like coming down again, your questions will have answers and your worries will have gone.

As anything that cannot be touched with the hand or seen with the eye, your gift grows more powerful as you use it. At first you might use it only when you are outdoors, watching the bird with whom you fly. But later on, if you use it well, it will work with birds that you cannot see, and last of all you will find that you'll need neither ring nor bird to fly alone above the quiet of the clouds. And when that day comes to you, you must give your gift to someone who you know will use it well, and who can learn that the only things that matter are those made of truth and joy, and not of tin and glass.

Rae, this is the last day-a-year, special-time celebration that I shall be with you, learning what I have learned from our friends the birds. I cannot go to be with you because I am already there. You are not little because you are already grown, playing among your lifetimes as do we all, for the fun of living.

You have no birthday because you have always lived; you were never born, and never will you die. You are not the child of the people you call mother and father, but their fellow-adventurer on a bright journey to understand the things that are.

Every gift from a friend is a wish for your happiness, and so it is with this ring.

Fly free and happy beyond birthdays and across forever, and we'll meet now and then when we wish, in the midst of the one celebration that never can end.

..

Let Your Limitations Fall Away

2010-05-02T22:25:00.001-04:00

THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Friday, April 30, 2010

Limitations fall away
+++++++++++++++++++

Today you will do as much as you think you can do. What if
you thought you could do more?

Right now you are doing what you are inspired by this moment
to do. What if you were inspired to do more?

Your thoughts and feelings on their own cannot even lift a
feather. Yet they can push you powerfully forward or stop
you in your tracks.

Every good and valuable thing you've ever done started as a
thought. Imagine what your thoughts can start right now.

Feel the power of your purpose, upon which sits every
desire. Think of the possibilities for expressing that
purpose today, in your world, in new, unique and beautiful
ways.

Think your most inspired thoughts, and feel your most
treasured feelings. Then watch as the limitations quickly
fall away.

Ralph Marston

............................................................................
This is the Daily Motivator email edition.
Copyright (C) 2010 Ralph S. Marston, Jr. All rights reserved.
Visit The Daily Motivator web site at http://greatday.com for an archive
of more than 3,000 daily messages, inspirational photos and more.

.

Power of Two

2010-04-19T17:00:00.002-04:00

Listening to The Indigo Girls this afternoon in the car on the way home from work as they sang "Power of Two."

Lovely song, beautiful harmony. Enjoy.

Indigo Girls - Power Of Two (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Indigo_Girls

So we're ok
We're fine
Baby I'm here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
We'll look at them together then we'll take them apart
Adding up the total of a love that's true
Multiply life by the power of 2

Park Joys

2010-04-17T15:04:00.003-04:00

I know I wrote in the past about walking in the park near home, and how much I enjoyed feeding and watching the squirrels. I still do. And yes, that's the same park in which I became engaged. :)

The seasons appear to have significant impact on the park. So far this spring, I've encountered very few squirrels to feed - significantly less than last fall. 2 today, instead of the usual 10 or 20 last fall. It's been that way all spring.

There are most likely many reasons for this, and my favorite notion (not based in fact at all) is that the squirrels are still in the den/nesting place having and raising and protecting baby squirrels. I am hopeful that this theory is true and in time the park will be filled with the critters again. In the meantime, I don't spend as much money on nuts right now.

There is a trade-off though. Where we are lacking in squirrels, we are flourishing with birds. They are much more active and in greater numbers than last fall. Where we saw some cardinals, robins, sparrows, and finches in the past, this spring I've noticed all of those, more of them, and also some orioles, woodpeckers, morning doves, and some others I don't know the names of.

It's been very enjoyable to watch the antics of the birds. The sleek, shiny, glossy, jet-black feathers of the oriole which is noticeable when he is perched and then the contrast of the brilliant orange when he spreads his wings to fly away from me. The amazingly vibrant colors of the cardinals in their best finery (or is that feathery?) Even the females are more orange-y than gray at this time of year. And oh the bright cherry red head of the woodpecker!

I tried a gym membership over the winter months, and discovered that while I may need to be there to be active enough in the cold snowy months, I don't like it. The stale air and the drudgery that walking on the treadmill is, make it difficult to go. But looking forward to and then enjoying all the creatures great and small that I encounter at this park situated on the banks of where 3 rivers join, make what is exercise and healthy activity seem like, well, a walk in the park!

.

One Tribe

2010-04-15T17:28:00.003-04:00

One of my fav groups, The Black Eyed Peas, sing a song called One Tribe, that really resonates with me. The song talks about how we are all connected, all one tribe, and that our differences don't matter. It focuses mainly on racial differences as you would imagine, but I think all the other differences which separate and divide us are easily included in this message.

In the "Lifestyle" Community, we are always rife with intolerance and narrow minded-ness, which, I must confess, has always surprised me greatly. The outside world (vanilla we often call them) are frequently very harsh and intolerant of WIITWD. So why would we be harsh toward one another? I would have thought that being misunderstood by others would help us all to band together. Silly me.

As it turns out, that really is just human nature, no matter where we are. I remain hopeful that love and tolerance and unity will rule the day, even as I've shed some of my naivete and realize that there will most likely always be the nasty boogers among us. Perhaps they are in the world to test us and help us grow. But really, haven't I grown enough? I don't really want to grow anymore.

;)

.

Alive and Well

2010-04-11T12:35:00.002-04:00

I've been absent for awhile, and don't really have any reason to offer for that. I've found that it's best to go with the ebb and flow of life, and just enjoy each moment without beating myself up for doing or not doing something else. I'm pretty sure Elle has talked in the past about being where my feet are. If it wasn't Elle, it was someone else just as wise and amazing.

Life is good. W/we continue to make plans for O/our wedding, each little decision and step along the way feels good and right. Certain things were very clear to U/us and others needed to be pondered. No problem concluding that a very small, intimate, and casually comfortable affair was best for U/us. A suitable venue was found, a date agreed upon, and things began to happen more quickly after that. I confess to being surprised at the many things to do and details to sort out, even when intentionally having a very small, quiet, intimate, and casual event!

And of course while all this is taking our time and attention, life still goes on. I had foot surgery in January (recovered wonderfully from.) There is work everyday, the commute back and forth, the household chores and needs and responsibilities, and family and friends. Son has been working, and making plans to enroll in and attend college. He's hoping the test scores will be good enough, and then of course there is the financing to work out.
He continues to drive back and forth to a neighboring state to visit his girlfriend, and they've managed to work out a couple of times when he could bring her here to visit for awhile. I LOVE having her here, and really enjoy a "daughter" as well as his joy in her. They've got prom and her graduation coming up before long.

O/our lives have settled in so many ways, and perhaps that is part of why I don't spend the time here that I once did. The questions and angst and drama and sorting through of life are not at the forefront at the moment. Life is just good.

I hope that the same can be said for all of you.

.

True Heroes

2009-12-07T16:58:00.002-05:00

The following was in my email inbox this morning with my weekly Ripples, and I am compelled to share.

Our planet is filled with heroes, young and old, rich and poor, man, woman of different colors, shapes and sizes. We are one great tapestry. Each person has a hidden hero within, you just have to look inside you and search for it in your heart, and be the hero to the next one in need. The hero in you is waiting to be unleashed. Serve, serve well, serve others above yourself and be happy to serve...you are the change that you dream, as I am the change that I dream, and collectively we are the change that this world needs to be. -Efren Peñaflorida, 2009 CNN Hero of the Year

So much in this speaks so to me. Rather than pontificate myself, I'll let the words stand alone, and hopefully speak to you too.

Peace
Tapestry

.

This Magic Moment

2009-11-29T22:35:00.003-05:00

We went for our usual walk at the park today. Peanuts clutched in hand to feed the squirrels, and this time Master even brought the camera to capture the little cuties begging and munching, as well as the reeds on the shoreline. We've been photographing the reeds every 3 months, the last time will be in February, and we'll have a year in the life of a reed, so to speak. Master was unusually pokey getting ready to go, fussing over his camera and camera bag. We usually just head out for our walk without all the fuss, but I just waited patiently like a good girl, watching the little doggie across the street trying to convince her owners to let her back into the house. I'm easily amused. :)

But we finally leave, and arrive to a crowded park - it was so nice out today, a bit warmer and a lot dryer than it has been for days and days (perhaps weeks.) We enjoy the walk, the outdoors, the squirrels, and remember to stop at the right pier to go see the reeds. Master sits down as usual to snap pix while I wander about watching the water and the sparkly places where the sun reflects off the ripples. I go look for some more squirrels to feed, just being patient while Master takes photos. I've learned from experience that you just can't rush creativity, or the process, or Him in general. :)

When I wander back to Him and He appears to be done I offer my hand to help Him stand up (there are no railings on the pier.) He takes my hand and raises up as high as His knee, and then pauses. He says something I don't remember, and then shows me a diamond ring and asks me to marry Him! I really was speechless! My eyes began to water, and I know I was laughing and grinning like a fool, and I remember kissing Him. I'm pretty sure I finally said yes and He did place the ring on my finger. Such a special ring since it belonged to his Grandmother. And all the while I was in such a daze!

So He sits back down and reaches into His camera bag, I'm just standing there dazed and gazing at my hand with the ring sparkling in the sunshine, and instead of putting the camera things away so we could resume our walk or move to a different spot, I realize He has brought a bottle of champagne out of the camera bag! (Geez, no wonder it took Him so long to get ready to leave!) So I sit down on the pier with Him and we toast the event and gaze like silly kids into each other's eyes. Then He wants to take pictures of the ring, I'm self-conscious because I'm in need of a manicure, lol, but He putters around with the camera and lighting and focusing and snapping a bunch of photos. We finally pack it up and resume our walk much to the relief of the hungry squirrels. :)

After we return home there are calls to my son (in another state visiting his girlfriend) and my mother. We update our Facebook profiles simultaneously - now that's the height of romantic in this age of inter-webs! And later we dine at our favorite sushi restaurant to celebrate the occasion!

So now you know our news - and I've got a written record of the event to help my feeble mind recall the details. I'm already so fuzzy about the actual proposal and moments just after. I'm crystal clear leading up to and later on, but right there at the moment? It's all a blur, lol.

Life is good, and I hope you are each as blessed with peace and love today and everyday.

.

Good Question Michelle!

2009-11-14T20:46:00.002-05:00

I love the chatbox in the right margin of this blog. It's a great tool for connecting with others. Recently, Michelle asked, "What made you want to be a slavegirl?"

Certainly far too much runs through my mind to fit in the little chatbox, so I'll answer here instead.

The first thought that popped up was that I really didn't want to be one. I mean seriously, why would I want to serve another person? I work full-time outside the home, and then come home and can't always have my own way, can't always relax when I need to, and frequently feel quite overwhelmed. So I don't know that I really want to be a slave.

The thing is, I just am one. Even when there was no name and title for it (before I found out about power-exchange relationships) it's who I was. While I do need down-time, and can't always take care of and provide for the others in my life the way I'd like to (including Master,) the fact still remains that I am at my best and happiest when I am able to serve. When I feel I've made a positive difference for someone else. In truth, my career is in the service industry, where I care for and provide for others. And since I'm in management, I not only care for the needs of my customers but also my employees.

Even without knowing the first thing about power-exchange, service and slavery, I naturally needed to serve. The short answer is I don't want to be a slave an awful lot of the time. And yet I am happiest when the needs of others are being cared for. I am happier in my relationship with Master when I am able to follow His lead and know that He is happy. That feeds me and meets my needs.

All of that is quite separate from BDSM and my masochistic side. Just enjoying BDSM play is not, for me, related to service. Many folks get caught up in labels and the linguistics used to describe WIITWD, so I'm finding it difficult to describe my feelings here, because I don't want to step on the feelings of anyone else. So try to see beyond the words and understand my heart.

I enjoy masochistic play, and really enjoy that lovely flight into another plane which we usually describe as sub-space. I could pretty much enjoy that play and flight with any skilled sadist, especially if I trusted the person and knew that I was safe. At the end of the play, I could walk away from that sadist, without feeling the need to submit my will to nor serve that person. I would feel equal to that person, knowing that their sadistic needs were met by my own masochistic needs - they needed me as much as I needed them.

Another layer for me is submission of will - doing and being the person that dominant wants me to be. Eating what and how they want me to, cooking the way they want me to, wearing the clothes they want me to, behaving (privately and publicly) the way they want me to. Opening myself to their control, in all areas, not just in the playroom and bedroom. This could also be accomplished with a strong dominant type with whom there was some chemistry. This is a layer deeper for me than just play. But it isn't the deepest layer. After all, I submitted my will easily to the desires and wishes of my father while I was growing up, and even for quite a long time after I was married and not living with nor dependent on my Dad.

The deepest layer for me is in service. And it isn't glamorous. There's nothing fun about cleaning someone's toilet. And yet, that layer is where I find the most intense challenges to my commitment. Because frankly, I don't want to. I don't wanna! I don't like it and it isn't fair. Nobody ever takes care of me. Why do I havta do it? This is the layer where there is very little gratitude, and is typically not even noticed. This is the place where day in and day out, the needs are simply taken care of, and no one even notices. Unless there's a problem. ;)

So why do I engage in service? And no, it isn't just cleaning toilets, it's all the many ways we care for others day in and day out. The cooking and the cleaning are part of it, and the laundry, and all the ways the household needs to function. Yet there are plenty of times when Master will pitch in and even take care of those tasks Himself. So what else is service? Because for me, that's ultimately what makes me a slavegirl. It's the heart and desire to serve, to care for, and make things easier for the ones I love. And that is reserved for those I care deeply for. And I'm not sure I can say, after all this what makes me want to be a slavegirl, I just am one. I need to serve, even in icky tasks that no one likes to do. I need to know I've helped the people I love as they travel the paths of their lives. Sometimes the service may take the form of staying "hands-off" while they sort through things on their own, and sometimes it means packing their lunches for them. My service takes many forms, and it is not often of my own choosing, but rather meeting the need that they have.

So I hope that answers the question. I feel unsatisfied with my response but the truth is, I don't want to be a slave, I simply am a slave. And even when I don't actively pursue and engage in slavery with Master and with the BDSM overtones/undertones, I need and find outlets for service in other areas of my life.

I know that my layers and the descriptions I gave of those layers aren't the same for other people. Please don't take my words as definitions nor universal descriptions for other people, they really only work for and apply to me. (Or as Donkey and Shrek would say, what seems like a parfait to me appears to be an onion to someone else.)

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Right Now

2009-11-06T10:34:00.002-05:00

I was reading something Elle shared called Middle Ground, and her reply to one of the comments really resonated with me.

"I read something the other day about how much of our unhappiness comes from not being in the moment. How we either fret about the past, or worry about the future. Something in that poked quietly at a place of understanding for me. Its something I’m musing on."

I've heard this referred to many ways, including:

Be where your feet are.
Be present in the moment.
Live in the here and now.
Live on purpose.

And of course several more that just flew out of my head. And they are all so true, for many reasons. Living consciously right now and right here - because we cannot fully appreciate this moment and receive all it has to offer if we don't. And because this moment will never come around again, and opportunities for growth and love and all the possibility will be gone when this moment is gone.

Of course we're always reminded that tomorrow is never promised, so we must live for today and appreciate and enjoy life while we have it. I really learned the value of that lesson when my Dad died many years ago.

All of this is so true, yet because it sounds trite, or like feel-good mumbo-jumbo we don't take it seriously and we don't really make it a priority to live in each moment. How often we discount an important truth which could have dramatic impact on our lives because it sounds too easy, or too silly.

In truth, how silly of us to not recognize that small and simple is usually best, no need for big complicated drama. How self-destructive of us not to take control of our minds and force ourselves to practice that which we know will benefit us. How arrogant of us to not realize that allowing unhappiness to rule our hearts and minds will cause damage to us physically, mentally, emotionally, and will also harm those we love.

Today, I again choose to live in the here and now. Today, and tomorrow, and the next day, I will need help to keep my focus on the present, to be mentally and emotionally where my feet are. To not live in reaction to others and their moods and foibles, but to live consciously and on purpose, actively choosing that which is best for me.

I challenge others to do the same. Because the truth is, no matter how used to the unhappiness and discomfort and pain we are, and no matter how comfy the familiar is, letting it go, living in and focusing on this moment, right now, is exponentially better and will bring so much more to life than the old comfy rags of unhappiness.

It's time.

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Happy All Saints Day Eve!

2009-10-31T15:51:00.003-04:00

Or Happy Halloween for short!

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For PirateDaddy

2009-10-24T19:28:00.003-04:00

Under the weight of your wings
You are a god and whatever I want you to be
And I wonder if truly you are
Nearly as beautiful as I believe

Anna Nalick, "In My Head"

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The Journey

2009-10-10T11:57:00.005-04:00

There seems to be more and more awareness among many in the bloggy places that this is a journey with no apparent destination. By that, I mean that I am here to share my thoughts, my heart, work through the puzzles, celebrate the joys and find meaning and significance in my world. I do so by writing, sharing meaningful things that have been shared by others, and connecting with those I find here.

So it's good to know about this journey and why I'm here, and that even as I travel the path I will never actually arrive - I'm not really trying to go anywhere I'm just living. Knowing this helps me to figure out why I'm NOT here too. I'm not here to impress anyone, or be an expert, or make money. This isn't a sex blog, a BDSM handbook, a motherhood handbook, or anything else. Even if I write about these things, I'm writing from my own limited perspective, and about my own experiences and world; and I'm writing for my own benefit, enjoyment, edification, self-knowledge, and record-keeping purposes. Often this blog is a way for me to mark milestones, bookmark/note things that have touched me, or just have fun.

I've never once looked at statistics related to my blog, I don't have one of those counter thingys, and I doubt very many people even read here. This isn't the interesting stuff found in other places. And that's more than fine with me, since I feel no pressure about this place - it's just my place to share me.

And yet, I do know there are a few people who read here. Some are like-minded folks who share my propensity to find relevance. Some are friends who may not care to figure it all out but still like to keep up with me. Some are lurkers, I think (how would I know for sure? lol) And while there are some that are scattered across the globe whom I've never met in person, there may be others who live nearby and are even friends of or friendly with PirateDaddy and me.

Sometimes I may not say exactly what's in my mind, the way I want to say it, because I'm aware of the audience, however limited it is. There are quite a few who I would actually say anything and everything in front of, because there is a level of trust and awareness that you "get me" that allows me to feel comfortable. But there are times, when local references would be lost on those far away, and times when I feel that too much personal detail could pose a problem in O/our real-time social life. I mean really, all evidence to the contrary in the blog world, there is such a thing as TMI!

So it's one thing altogether to say that this is my blog, it's all about me, I write what I want, I'm not trying to impress anyone (sound childish enough for you yet?) But the reality is, I am aware of constraints, even if they are self-imposed.

So what have I learned and what does this change? Nothing really. I'm still in service to PirateDaddy, and the mother of an 18 year old son. I still work full time outside the home, and do my best inside the home with whats left of my resources. I still try to learn and grow and figure out what serving Him means on a daily basis (it's not always very clear to me, and daily life being what it is, He isn't always 'splaining.) More and more I realize that W/we are just 2 people making their way in the world. W/we find ourselves at home and comfortable in a power-exchange type of relationship, and are very much the sadist and masochist as well. (These things really do not always exist together. Submission does not equal masochism you know.) And often that is all secondary to living in this world, working, interacting with family, caring for parents and children and pets, and the myriad details of all lives, not just BDSM lives.

So it's really a boring place, but it's my place. Am I able to share all my thoughts here? For the most part yes, except for the self-censored bits that I'm more comfortable sharing in private.

It's my little journey, down a path with no specific destination, and I won't ever actually arrive. There may be twists and turns in the path, and I just follow where they lead. It's very fluid and flexible. And that line just got me - because I realize that it's what I strive to be. Fluid and flexible. This blog helps me do that. And I'm grateful.

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H1N1 Paranoia Has Gone Too Far!

2009-10-09T16:32:00.002-04:00

Daily Om Again

2009-09-30T17:11:00.003-04:00

I can't help it, I just love the Daily Om that arrives in my email inbox each morning.

Here's the one for yesterday, and it's right up the alley I'm traveling at this point in my life. My, how the Universe aligns to help us meet our declared intention!

September 29, 2009
Getting Back to Wellness
Seven Quick Fixes To Feel Better

The signals our bodies use to tell us we need to cleanse ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally are multifaceted and often mirror symptoms we associate with illness. If we heed these signs, we not only feel better quickly but also stave off poor health before it can start. These quick fixes for common ailments can get you started.

1. Applying pressure to the acupressure point between the thumb and forefinger can release blockages causing pain, tension, and fatigue. You can relieve a headache naturally by squeezing for 20 seconds and releasing for 10 seconds, without letting go, four times.

2. To breathe freely, irrigate your nasal passages with a neti pot and warm salt water. As you clear and soothe the sinuses, congestion associated with allergies or infection will gradually disappear.

3. Apple cider vinegar is a powerful purifying and detoxifying agent. Soaking for 20 minutes in a warm bath infused with two cups of apple cider vinegar pulls toxins from the body and can clear blocked energy.

4. The foods you eat can have a profound impact on your outlook and mood. Eating a small yet satisfying meal rich in complex carbohydrates can lift your spirit and help you let go of feelings of anger, irritability, and depression.

5. Anxiety and fear dissipate quickly when countered with conscious breathing because concentrating on the breath enables you to refocus your attention inward. You can ground yourself and regain your usual calm by taking a series of deep belly breaths as you visualize your feet growing roots that stretch miles down into the earth.

6. Though tuning out can seem counterproductive, a few minutes spent lost in daydreams or listening to soothing music can help you see your circumstances from a new angle when you feel frustrated.

7. If you feel ill health coming on, brew a wellness elixir. Simmer three sliced lemons, one teaspoon freshly grated ginger, one clove freshly minced garlic, and one quarter teaspoon cayenne pepper in five cups water until the lemons are soft and pale. Strain a portion into a mug and add honey by tablespoons until you can tolerate the taste. Drinking this potent mixture of antibacterial, antiviral, and antifungal ingredients three times each day can ensure your symptoms never progress into a full-blown illness.

Keeping Body and Soul Together

2009-09-28T09:40:00.004-04:00

Too much healthy is still too much. (The Leader of my WW group said that this past week.)

If we can remember that our physical reality is most often the result of our inner thoughts and beliefs, we can make changes more easily by going inward. By creating a mental vision of the changes we want to make in our lives, we begin shifting our belief system to more closely fit with the reality we want to create externally. (my Daily Om last Friday.)

Catching up on the past 2 weeks of "Sunday Morning" (CBS) I realize I want to visit more National Parks. I've been to some, am happy to return to them, and would like to visit parks I've never been to before. Just "being" in nature is powerful for our total health I believe.

And another segment on "Sunday Morning" about Steinway and Sons pianos brought tears to my eyes and goosebumps to my skin. I love the sound of a piano. Always have.

Finding the things that feed me is worth the effort. Good food feeds my body, movement and activity energizes my body (I refuse to call it exercise - negative connotation.) But what feeds my soul? What energizes my mind? What fills my heart?

Taking the time to prepare and eat good food is important. So is taking the time to prepare for and engage in more activity and movement. But that's only part of the story, for if I don't take time to prepare for and engage in those things which stimulate my heart, soul, and mind then I'm not whole nor complete.

I'm working on finding more wholeness.

What about you? What "feeds" you?

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This And That

2009-09-27T21:27:00.002-04:00

So I took the blog list off my page - I still read the blogs, but I've been using my reader here at blogger and like it. :)

Heard Bill Maher say "Inertia is the enemy," on his HBO show "Real Time" this past Friday night. I thought about that a bit and realized he's so very right.

LOVE the commercial for etrade that has the baby calling an old man a "shank-a-potatmus" after the golf game. Too funny, and yes, I'm easily amused.

Have really enjoyed preparing and eating some very yummy dishes that were both healthy and satisfying. Especially wonderful when Master and I cook together. Really cool to just create from scratch without following a recipe, and having the finished product be so tasty!

Enjoyed a very fun shopping excursion Saturday to Bass Pro Shops for Master, Victoria's Secret and Bath & Body Works for me.

While at B&B Works I was able to pass on a coupon for 20% off the total purchase to the lady behind me in line since I had 2 and could only use 1. Felt good, much better than throwing it away would have felt.

Mom is doing better, obviously still aging and coping with the RA, but at least at home, and able to get around a little. Still hoping her apartment is ready soon.

Realized this past Wednesday that I felt well physically, and was grateful. Seems like the first day this school year so far that I was healthy.

Have taken steps to improve my health in order to avoid a repeat of the past month. It doesn't happen overnight, so I may need to remind myself to hang in there.

Pondering the future for me at work. Stay the course? Look for different work within my field? Change occupations? Hoping for some clear sign from the Universe to help.

All in all, life is GOOD. Very good.

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Love Without Limits

2009-09-21T17:03:00.001-04:00

Unconditional love. Loving someone without placing conditions on how you will give that love. Giving it freely in spite of imperfections in the person you give it to. Not love that says I'll love you if you change. And of course the reverse - receiving love unconditionally, without placing restrictions on how you will accept the love. Simply allowing someone to love you, in spite of your flaws, and in spite of any flaws the giver may also possess.

Loving another without limits changes throughout our lives I think. As children we love freely and give our love and adoration to those around us. We don't demand that our parents treat us better in order to have our love, children just love. As we grow things change, we make friends as we move out into the world. We find significant others in time, and perhaps later we have children. Love relationships do change and grow and evolve over time. A once close relationship grows more distant, and vice versa, depending on our needs and where we are in life.

Of course, I doubt I'll ever find anything to match the unconditional love that my dog had for me. He truly adored me and everything about me. As far as he was concerned I was perfect. Even when I got mad and yelled at him, or didn't take him for a walk, or stayed away from home too long. He was always sooooo excited to see me and loved me soooo much. He absolutely HATED being separated or away from me. No matter how bad I had been he loved me absolutely.

Yet how much more powerful it is when we are loved unconditionally by a person who is aware of our faults and weaknesses and flaws and still chooses to love us. That kind of love isn't often flowery and giggly. Instead it's the realistic eyes open love that says "I love you even though I don't love a behavior of yours. I love you without you having to be different or perform. I love the essence of you."

Both giving and receiving love without limits is humbling. It is large and full and expansive. And when that love is goes away, as in the case of a death, we feel the loss and lack keenly. There is a smallness and emptiness where there used to be fullness. We lose our security.

Loving and being loved without limits allows me to face the world and stand strong. I have the courage to meet challenges because there are people who love me in spite of my negative behaviors (and whom I love in spite of theirs.) Being accepted as we are gives us the ability to step into the light and embrace it, while allowing us to confront the darkness and overcome it. Sure, we want our loved ones to grow, improve, and change negatives into positives for their own well-being, but those negatives don't stop us from loving them.

This topic has made the rounds lately here in blogland and I wanted to mull it over because I believe it to be one of the most profound things we as humans allow into our lives. Allowing ourselves to give love without placing conditions on those we love is so important. In order to reach our full potential, to learn tolerance, and acceptance we need to give love without limits. But receiving love without limits is just as important. In order to have a sense of security and safety, to be a confident and complete person we need to accept that love.

Both sides of loving without limits are important. We cant give to others effectively if we aren't willing or able to receive. Likewise, we cannot accept this love effectively if we aren't willing to extend it as well. Giving and receiving are intertwined, 2 sides of the same coin as it were. If we have problems with either side, there's something amiss which needs to be addressed if we are to ever flourish emotionally.

And I feel like there's still so much more I'm trying to convey, more that I want to communicate about this topic and how I bring the concept more fully into my life. But I'm to the point where more words are not helpful. I guess it boils down to needing to love and be loved with no limits and restrictions in order to be fully who I am meant to be.

Of course I could just get a dog, it's the next best thing. ;)

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Yummy Pasta

2009-09-19T19:02:00.004-04:00

So the other night I was making dinner, tired of the same old side dishes, and started poking around the pantry to see what I could come up with. I found some whole wheat penne pasta (Penne Rigate to be precise) which I decided to cook.

While the water was coming to a boil for the pasta I thought about what to DO with the cooked pasta. Not really knowing what to do, other than knowing that I wasn't in the mood to top it with a red sauce, I started out with some olive oil in the skillet. I added a diced onion, and while that cooked, I decided to use some of the abundant kale I found in my refrigerator. So I chopped that finely, and then added it to the onion. Let that all simmer for awhile, added some salt and pepper, and then tasted. Not quite right. Not terrible, but not quite there.

So I added some Chardonnay, and let that get happy together. When I tasted again it was good, but still lacking. Just didn't have the depth of flavor I was looking for. Master arrived home and after tasting the mixture suggested adding rosemary and thyme. Those flavors made a great addition, but still I felt something else was called for. I ended up following my intuition and adding a can of cream of mushroom soup. Of course it was a little thick, so Master added the rest of the Chardonnay. :)

So it all simmered together for awhile, and once the pasta was cooked I added the penne to the sauce, the yummy side dish was done, and the perfect compliment to the steaks which Master grilled.

Master thought the dish was really tasty, and told me to make a note of the ingredients/recipe so we could make it again. So that's what I just did right here! :) I do think the dish would be just as good with other types of pasta too.

** So I glance into the cabinet today and discover that the pasta I used for the dish, originally reported here as rigatoni, was in fact Penne Rigate. So I edited above (in red) just for the sake of perfectionism. :) I also changed the photo used to one of penne rather than the original pix of rigatoni. I still stand by my last sentence above - I think the sauce would work well on most any type of pasta. (Apparently it works well with both penne and rigatoni, lol!)

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Happiness Habit

2009-09-16T21:21:00.004-04:00

"Being miserable is a habit. Being happy is a habit. The choice is yours."

-- Tom Hopkins, sales trainer

This was the Quote of the Day in my inbox at work this morning. And I so completely agree with the statement that I decided to share. I do not have a perfect life. I don't know anyone who does actually, but lets just focus on me, lol. I have difficulties and problems, some minor, some serious. And if I chose to, I could get really down in the dumps and be depressed and blue.

As a general rule though, I don't get very depressed, typically keeping my eyes focused on my belief that the Universe will provide and that at "the end of the day" (or the end of whatever difficulty I'm coping with) all will be fine. And I guess it's that optimism which must allow me to make the happy choice.

I'm certainly not perfect, I do in fact get a little down in the dumps sometimes, but those moods do generally pass rather quickly. And I find that choosing to look on the bright side of life (with a nod to Monty Python) is more energizing than looking on the dark side. Negativity just drains my energy, to the point of incapacitation. And I mean my own negativity as well as negativity in other people. Because of that I make a conscious choice to limit, as well as I can, my exposure to negativity in any form.

This kind of choice is completely within my control, and becomes second nature the more I practice. A habit. I choose to be happy, to see good, to believe that all will be well. I choose to be positive. The problems don't change or go away, that isn't the point. Because being negative won't help the problems go away either. I choose joy, trusting and believing that all will be well. And that actually helps me cope with the difficulty more effectively since my energy level stays higher and my outlook stays more upbeat. That helps me to feel less like a victim and more capable and empowered and able to prevail.

I think some people may find this to be a rather polly-anna-ish outlook, but in reality I'm not at all polly-anna like. I'm in fact a very down-to-earth and practical and common-sensical person. But one who chooses to be happy and look on the bright side and be positive, in the face of all the same problems that most everyone has to deal with.

It works for me, and my belief is that it would work for everyone. But I won't suggest anyone else adopt this outlook or habit of happiness. This is, after all, all about me. :)

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BAD TOUCH!

2009-09-15T16:37:00.002-04:00

omg!

I mean really.

What demented sadist invented the mammogram?????

Unlike some slaves and submissives I like pain. I mean, I really like pain. I'm a masochist. It's weird and not easy to explain. But this just goes beyond the realm of likability!

Ugh.

It took my breath away. I saw stars.

Annually? You think I'm going to do this every year??? You're high if you think I'm going back in a year. I'll agree to 18-24 months. But that's my limit. And it's a hard limit. And before anyone starts in on me let me reassure you that there is not 1 person to whom I am related by blood who has any history of breast cancer. And. I do regular routine breast self examination, and if I felt something I would go immediately.

'nuff said.

How was YOUR day? lol

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Glimpses of Clarity

2009-09-12T18:39:00.006-04:00

So many people having so many eye-opening thoughts and break-through moments, and other significant events and explorations to share lately.

I've been quite caught up in all my own drama, the start of the school year and loss of summer ease, Mom's move, my illness, and more.

The latest is Mom's hospitalization for the infection she's been battling for a couple years now. The infection prevents her from receiving her treatment for RA (rheumatoid arthritis) since the drugs would force the bacteria into all her joints where the bacteria would then destroy what is left of her joints and her physical abilities. So, we need to get rid of this infection once and for all, because without her RA meds she is almost unable to function independently at all.

Anyway, the urologist in her new city determined that the bacteria Mom's battling is resistant to all oral meds, and so decided to admit her to the hospital for IV antibiotics. Wonder why the urologist here didn't do the same? *pout* I'm very glad that she's getting the care and treatment she needs, and at the same time I'm beside myself that I'm not there to take care of her. None of her friends are there to visit and cheer her, and my sister isn't able, or can't make the time, to visit and spend time at the hospital. I'm trying to be calm, but I've been through lots of hospital stays with Mom and I know how to help her get the best care. How to interact with the medical folks so they know what Mom needs, even when she won't or can't articulate for herself. I remember to take her a Starbucks Vanilla Latte everyday. I stay for a few hours, help her with whatever she needs. I take her used clothing home to wash and return it clean the next day. I stop to buy supplies and things that will help her stay be easier. I buy yummy dinners for her every other day or so - even nice restaurants do carry out!

And so perhaps, even when I explain to my sister what to do to take care of Mom, she might not do it the way I did. I have no control. And I hate that. How can I be sure she's getting the best care and that her way is smoothed ahead of her if I'm not there and in charge? I can't. And there's nothing I can do about that. grrrrrr

And I think how much my struggles resemble what I've been reading in other blogs. Oh maybe not a sick loved one, or finally having to cut those apron strings after 45 years of life, but at other levels. Practicing unconditional love, the giving and receiving of it that is. Learning to be transparent in our relationships, beginning with ourselves. Learning to not make value judgments about other people's behavior, instead letting go and accepting. At a variety of levels and in myriad ways, this is what I'm reading around the bloggy places. The specific situations are different for each of us and the ways we are working through these concepts is different. But the core of our situations, at the heart, lies the universal human condition.

And that is why we've found each other, among the thousands and thousands of bloggers in this world, we've found one another because we deal with similar life and relationship issues even as we all walk such unique and individual paths. Collectively we are one, and we help ourselves and each other when we write and share on our blogs and comment on one another's blogs. When we ponder on what we've read we see how the ideas apply or don't apply to ourselves, and we grow.

We are a mutually beneficial community of people living separate lives. And I think perhaps it is the very anonymity we have here which allows us to share ourselves so honestly. Whatever it is, I'm grateful. Because it helps me to work through my own deal as I read your viewpoint and the way you handle your deal. Thank you.

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Proper English

2009-09-10T19:23:00.001-04:00

On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation. The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, all the time wondering what was to come.

The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year-old.

With a grip on his shoulder, the medicine man warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition - or one will end up with a dangling participle!

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Bad Day?

2009-09-04T18:27:00.003-04:00

Today was like that Daniel Powter song, "Bad Day".

At least as I was driving home fretting over the $75 stolen out of my office today, and the repercussions that will ensue, it seemed like a bad day.

And I was missing my Mom. Can't even call and talk to her since I HAVE NO VOICE!

And I'm not well yet, I struggled through a day made worse for having missed the last day and a half.

And this, that, and the other. I could go on.

And then I remembered, that I didn't have to frame all these things in a negative way.

I could choose to change the conversation in my head and focus on the positive and place a positive spin on things. I could choose to remember that in all things I will do more than survive, I will thrive. Because I choose to.

And it helped to remember that I had allowed my blood sugar to drop, through improper nutrition today. (Let's forget the part about me being a nationally credentialed School Nutrition Specialist, k?) But at least remembering the lack of food today helped to explain a portion of my "oh woe is me" whining. Which then helps me to know that after I eat something I'll feel better.

And in the song? Daniel sings about needing a blue sky holiday. That made me smile - maybe that means I'm supposed to go visit Elle. Now that is a splendid idea indeed!

And I'm smiling as I think of it, and laughing at something inane Master just said (no disrespect intended but I'm having trouble picturing a Naval Carrier Ship parked in our driveway!)

And while none of the gloomy things I was lamenting to myself about a few hours ago has changed even one little whit, I can still be happy and smile and have a GOOD day. Has Daniel got a song about that??

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You Won't believe This!

2009-09-03T09:30:00.003-04:00

At least I don't believe it.

But here we are, the 4th day of the new school year, and I'm at home. This past Monday evening I developed a sore throat. Hmm, odd. But no worries. Took a hot shower and some advil and went to sleep. The first day back for students had gone well, and I'm sure I just talked too much,

Tuesday morning, day 2, I wake up and have no voice. And my throat hurts. I go to work, and manage somehow to do my job, even as I get worse as the day goes on. I come home and take a nap, and again, as the evening progresses I find I'm getting worse yet. So off to the Dr I go, where they find I have an upper respiratory infection, give me some prescriptions, and directions to stay home for the next few days.

Well, I feel like death warmed over, but it's only the third day of school, so Wednesday morning I drag my sorry ass into work. Two hours later I drag it back home, and here I am again today.

And the stupid part of all this? I'm more worried about my boss being angry that I'm not at work than I am about actually being sick.

sheesh

Sometimes this submissive, people pleaser personality just does not work in my best interest!

Nevertheless, I'm certain I'll be better soon, and back to myself. I'd forgotten how awful these types of infections can be since I rarely get them anymore. About 15 years ago I had major sinus surgery, including repairing a deviated septum, cleaning out sinus cavities, and re-drilling sinus drainage holes. Prior to that surgery I stayed infected (for almost a year.) Since that time I really do rarely develop one of these infections. Lucky that!

But really, getting sick the first day of school? Please. Who does that??? lol

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Ripples

2009-08-31T20:35:00.003-04:00

I read my weekly Ripples this morning, and wanted to share it here. They are almost always illuminating and helpful, so while I shared the link in my favorite sites list (right margin of this blog,) I rarely repost the actual words. Today, I'm sharing the whole shebang, because I need to hear it again and be reminded again, and here is where I share the things that speak to me. Sometimes something I share may speak to someone who reads here as well.

This one is right along the theme of things that have been speaking to me and which I've been sharing for awhile. When I look back at the words to the song "The Climb", which I shared awhile back, I can tell I'm still sorting through and dealing with these similar issues. Perhaps one of the things I need to grasp hold of is there will always be a mountain to climb, or move, rocks and boulders in the way, and that these are the very things which form character and help us to grow. I may joke and tease that I'd rather not grow so much, but in the end, it's all good. I know I will get through whatever event I'm dealing with, and will do more than survive, I will thrive.

I hope you enjoy this week's Ripple:

PEBBLE
The bubbling brook would lose its song
if you removed the rocks.
-source unknown

BOULDER
Adversity is like a strong wind.
It tears away from us all but
the things that cannot be torn,
so that we see ourselves
as we really are.
-Arthur Golden

PONDER
Life is not always easy, eh?

I have heard from several fellow Ripplers lately who are experiencing BIG challenges in their lives: loss of loved ones, major disruptions in work/school/life, and dealing with other "stuff" that makes life rocky. It is heartbreaking to hear how difficult life can be for each of us at times.

As I look over my responses to them, I notice a common phrase that I have used in various forms. While I try to avoid using absolutes like "always" and "never," I stand by these: Life is not always easy, convenient, pretty, or fair; life, however is ALWAYS is worth it. The hard stuff makes us stronger the same way the heavier weights are what make the difference in strength training (many of you have heard me say that I'd do more weight lifting if they weren't so darn heavy--but of course if they were light they wouldn't help me strengthen my muscles!).

Believe me, I have days where I wish all the "rocks" in the bubbling brook of my life could be magically removed. Luckily I have the good sense to remember that so much of my character, my personal strength, and my capacity to help others has grown from dealing with the difficult stuff.

I'm truly sorry if life is extra tough for you right now; I hope you seek good people to support you, calming music to soothe you, and an occasional Dairy Queen treat every now and then is pretty darn awesome too.

Peace,
Paul

Moving Day

2009-08-29T08:38:00.003-04:00

So today is the big day, my Mom is moving away to a city 5 hours drive away to live with my sister.

I do not know how this is going to be for me, or for my mom. I'm prepared for all manner of emotions and feelings to surface, now and in the days, weeks, and months to come for me. And I'm quite worried about how Mom will cope and adjust. I'm not certain this is in her best interest and I'm apprehensive at best. I hope she thrives and that all my worries were for naught.

I'll take any positive energy for Mom and myself with gratefulness. There are places in my heart that feel she is dying and that I will never see her again. And it hits me at random times. I guess I'm going to have to experience a grieving process even though she is actually still alive.

All very new and weird territory for me. Of Mom's 4 children I'm the one (the only one) who remained geographically close, the others all moved far away.

Add this to the start-up of the school year and my adjustment from stay-at-home slave to working professional full time, and I'm needing to be very careful and gentle with myself these days. And not really a lot left over for anyone else - not good.

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Ends & Beginnings

2009-08-21T18:03:00.002-04:00

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. And I've been trying to keep up with everyone here, even if somewhat quietly. This summer has proven to be busy with housekeeping around here (trying to catch up on what gets left undone during the school year.) And I've been blessed to be able to spend time with quite a few of my girlfriends for lunch or coffee (in fact, I believe I went to lunch, coffee, or a movie with no less than 5 girlfriends, some more than once!) Those were all times to savor richly as the busy-ness of life often precludes spending quiet 1 on 1 time together being just us girls and sharing together. I find I need that, so I'm grateful and blessed that it was able to happen so much this summer.

I was also blessed to have my son's girlfriend come stay here twice, a week each time. I love having the kids in the house, and she's a delight. I was able to take her for her very first ever pedicure while my son was at work and Master was at an Oriole's game with a friend of His. The other side of that coin is that my son spent a LOT of time at her house (far away) so I was actually alone alot more this year than I have been in the past. But while that's a change, and can be a difficult adjustment, I actually love to be alone, it's regenerating for my spirit, and so I embraced the new thing and let it help me to heal and grow. Truthfully, I'm never really alone anyway, while Master is at work we are still in contact through phone and email and IM.

I've also spent time this summer helping Mom get packed up and ready to move. My sister has decided that even though Mom's apartment is not built yet, Mom is to move to my sister's house now (a week from tomorrow) and stay in my nephew's room until the apartment is ready. I am more than a little apprehensive about this. So this really marks a HUGE change in my life, and I'm trying to embrace it. I've never lived with my Mom far away before, so we'll see how I do. I think I mostly fear the loss, which is inevitable anyway. I'm also simultaneously relieved to no longer have to be the one "doing" for Mom and caring for her. Her physical abilities are deteriorating almost daily, and the burden will continue to grow, so I am relieved that my sister has decided she will take charge, even if I disagree with many of her choices and decisions. And it really is a difference of opinion about what is best for Mom, since I know we both want what's best for her. I hope that once she's seeing for herself she will understand my position, but honestly? I don't care about being right, I just believe Mom could be happier.

And is that not also part of my need to "fix"? That seems to have been a recurring theme in recent months for me. So I think this move, while rife with stress and possible problems, will in all likelihood be good for me. I can let go, and no longer try to take care of Mom.

I find I need more down time than other people, and I seem to need more than I used to need. I feel like I can be of more and better service to Master when I'm not also working outside the house, but that isn't a possibility for anything more than these summers between terms at school. Perhaps He and I both need to adjust our expectations of how household chores are done, and just what my service to Him will look like. idk, musing out loud.

Anyway, that's life in my little corner of the world. Making discoveries about myself, and trying to keep putting what my head knows into action, all while being busy with life. Sounds like what we all do really.

A Rant

2009-07-26T23:44:00.003-04:00

Yep. I am going to rant.

I don't understand how people we know and love can be so utterly lacking in basic manners. I still love them, and will continue to be gracious to them, but it irritates me to no end when folks do not follow up a gift with a simple "Thank you." It doesn't have to be a fancy note. A simple phone call to express appreciation or gratitude is sufficient for me. I'm also content with a simple line item left on my Facebook wall.

I'm referring to nieces and nephews here, and it really irks me. I think they know better, and I KNOW their parents know better. I'm faithful to send birthday gifts to the children, and cards to all the parents, and yet few if any bother to follow up.

grrrr

Some would say to stop sending the gifts if they can't at least let me know they received them, and possibly say "Thanks." I'm not sure why I don't cease with the giving Maybe partly because I like to give (gee there's a shock) and I don't want to stoop to their level. And truly, the gifts aren't given with a string attached. But I never thought of expressing thanks as a string attached to a gift.

On a similar note, I'm irked that Master's siblings never ever bother to send Him a birthday card - they certainly know when His birthday is as they are all older than Him. And I also think it's beyond the pale that my ex-husband's siblings and mother stopped sending my son any cards or gifts for birthdays and Christmas when we divorced. Yep. My son's aunts and uncles and grandmother on his father's side ignore his existence. (I assure you it isn't because he ever failed to send a Thank you note!) I guess they think this hurts me, but they are wrong. They have lost the presence in their lives of a truly remarkable young man. That hurts them even if they don't think it does.

I truly am baffled as to the bad behavior of people we are related to. Mostly I don't give it a thought. But I've just sent quite a few gifts and cards of one sort or another and also celebrated my son's and my Master's birthday's, and so this is fresh in my mind.

OK. Rant done. I know there is no way to control the behavior and actions of other people, and to even allow myself this brief fuss is a huge waste of my time. But sometimes it just feels better to get it off my chest. I'm not expecting anything to change. Doesn't mean I have any respect for the folks in question though.

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18 And Counting

2009-07-22T14:51:00.002-04:00

Today is my son's 18th birthday. I wished him well, but he's been in another state visiting his girlfriend since last Thursday, and won't be back till tomorrow, so no giving gifts or a celebratory meal and birthday cake till after he comes home.

It's weird. It's the first time not being with my child on his birthday. It's just the beginning though. I know that as they get older and live their own lives being apart from children on their special day is more commonplace. I guess I'm just a little melancholy this first time. And really, 18 is such a milestone in our society. He's been away a lot this summer, as well as working when he's home, so I've been alone alot this summer. I've loved it actually, but it's so different from last summer. He and his friends were here constantly, such fun times.

Constant change. I've mentioned before that I love it, need it, and thrive on it. I meant in terms of myself and my personal growth and development. I meant in the ways and amounts I want, like, and need. In order to not feel static and stagnant. Not sure I like the changes with loved ones. Taking my son further from me, even though I know it's normal, natural, and healthy. Doesn't mean I have to love it. I can cut the apron strings and be glad he's moving on and into his own life without loving it. I know I'll adjust fine.

So Happy Birthday to my son. 18 years ago today I began this journey. I wonder what the next 18 years have in store?

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A Rose By Any Other Name

2009-07-20T00:09:00.002-04:00

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.

But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:

'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

~Eleanor Roosevelt

The Matriarch from Hell

2009-07-13T14:11:00.002-04:00

Some years ago I made my peace with my experience of my Mom (I say it that way because I realize my perceptions of her may not be the same as other people's perceptions of her, including my siblings.)

And yet, working through my experiences is still an on-going necessity in order to try to remain in a healthy head-space and for my emotional health. Recently, I was stewing all over again about how nothing I ever do or say is good enough for her. I constantly think of ways to try to please her or make her life easier (no small feat given her age and advanced RA and physical disabilities.) Over the years I've done things for her, thinking it would make her happy, and been amazed at the dreadful response from her. Apparently I'm a slow learner because I continue to try to do nice things for her.

A couple of points realized here. First, I am a pleaser, I always have been and always will be. It is simply who I am. It does not guarantee that those whom I attempt to please are capable of being pleased. My mother is apparently not, nor was my ex-husband.

Second, Mom's inability to accept anything I do for her, or gifts I give to her, and find pleasure and joy in the receiving of service from me (or anyone else) is her problem, not mine. I have not failed simply because she chose to not be pleased. And the root of her inability to accept service is her own insecurity and lack of self-confidence. She has issues. Those issues spilled over onto her children, and they came to her largely from her own parents. I suspect she was a better mother to me than her mother was to her. I know I've parented my son more effectively than I was parented, although I'm sure he'll have issues too - hopefully they won't be the same as mine, lol.

These points are lifeblood for me - absolute MUST remembers, even if it means repeating them to myself daily. I am a pleaser, not everyone can be pleased, and their inability to be pleased has NOTHING to do with me and is no reflection on my ability and self-worth. Unless I work hard to remember these points, I can very easily get caught up in a negative downward spiral.

Some would say that it is Master's responsibility to help me work through that and remain healthy. But I'm not sure I agree with that. I've worked through the issues, and made my peace, and know how to move forward in a way that is healthy for me. How much hand-holding should He have to do with me? Isn't there a point where He can expect me to keep my mind from taking me back down there?

My need to please gets so tangled up in everything, I don't often know how to respond during a conversation. Recently, during one discussion of a problem He was having, He reminded me that I didn't have to fix the problem. That was liberating, to say the least. As a pleaser sometimes it feels that the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Sometimes I feel that He does expect me to fix things. There seems to be a skew in my mind that blurs for me the lines of service and fixing.

I tread this path daily, trying to work out how my own perceptions distort reality, in all my relationships - and mostly, within my own mind.

In the end, this entry really isn't about the Matriarch from hell, but rather the way my mind gets wrapped up in knots, even as I long for clarity. I long for everyone in my life to own their own crap. And perhaps, if I stop trying to please for a little bit, and stop trying to fix, I'll find that each person will step up and take care of their own issues, or perhaps I'll find that they have been all along. But no matter what, I must find a way to seperate my service to Master from my need to please.

The pleaser in me seems to be afraid that I am unlovable unless I do X or perform Y or give this, that, or the other. Offering service must not come from a place of fear and worry and self-doubt, and that is exactly where the need to please comes from.

Shew. A lot to think about. Making your peace with the past doesn't mean you can stop learning from it. Pleasing someone else is not possible if they don't wish to be pleased, and is no reflection on the giver. I cannot fix anything for other people, and to think I can or should is presumptuous at best. Sevice comes from a place of security and self-worth and confidence, the need to please comes from a needy and fearful place. Ultimately, I am worthy of love, even when I haven't received/experienced love from others. And that is no reflection on me.

Wow.

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The Road Not Taken

2009-06-26T14:10:00.003-04:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

~Robert Frost

Thought I'd share this since I alluded to it in my last entry, and because it is one of my favorite poems of all time.

After my entry 2 nights ago, I've learned that sometimes giving voice to inner angst is very painful. I cry, without knowing why I'm crying, and feel generally quite lost. I suspect this phase will pass soon enough, leading into yet another stage of whatever is happening, be it grief or some other process of dealing with the uncertainty and challenge that face me and the ones I love.

So, while keeping things inside and pushing the worry aside was easier in some ways, I know that only in letting it out will I be able to move on through to the other side. And really, the bottling things up, even when done unconsciously, is pretty darn harmful all by itself. But really, I'm not in love with the tears and feelings of fragility. Bring on the next phase of healing!

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Snippets

2009-06-24T23:45:00.002-04:00

What I've learned and/or discovered:

Everyone heals differently. From physical and emotional and mental trials and tribulations, we all progress uniquely. For example, my surgical wounds are healed, but my body is still adjusting and adapting and coping. Sometimes it does this adjusting when I really don't expect or anticipate a need to adjust, and it takes a moment to figure out what's going on. But I'm confident that in time all will be just fine.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Safety is a state of mind. If I am in a safe place mentally and emotionally, I will in fact, be safe. To say that I didn't feel safe in the interwebs in recent months is not a statement of what I was reading and experiencing, rather it was a statement of my own inner reality.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It's OK to mourn the death of a beloved pet, and I don't have to get over it since it was only a pet. I realized anew that my life is so much less without Duke in it. And I know I'm fine, and will be fine, and I've discovered that pushing the grief aside is just as detrimental as if I had lost a human member of the family. It's been almost 9 months, and just realizing that he's been gone that long takes my breath away and reduces me to tears. My heart hurts.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I've learned that no matter how difficult the relationship with your parent may be, it is never easy to adjust to having them move 350 miles away, when you've lived near them all your life. It is also never easy to adjust to the parent's loss of physical ability, independence, and autonomy.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I've learned that figuring out how to best parent a child on the brink of manhood is tricky at best, and even more difficult when the child is an alien. He is nothing like me. This child is such an individual, and so unique, so unconcerned with pleasing other people (especially authority figures) and so delighted with being himself, and blazing his own trail. He amazes me that he was thrilled to graduate a year early and work out his own best path to adulthood, rather than follow the proscribed path of High School and Proms and Graduation ceremonies. He does what works best for him, in his own time, and never worries about what others are doing. He's not a loner, as he enjoys the company of his peers, but he's unconcerned with "fitting in". He learned from his teachers, but had no desire to demonstrate to them that he had learned what they taught. Yet he passed all his tests with honors.
He is so very different from me, the people pleaser, the one for whom good grades and all the pomp and circumstance mattered. But I forget that he's different, and I needn't be sad for what I think he's missing. He doesn't want it anyway - that was me. He much prefers to follow the "Road Less Traveled." (a book by M. Scott Peck, but the title was taken from a poem by Robert Frost.) I grow melancholy as all his friends celebrate the traditional rites of passage and make plans for college, and yet, he is so happy in the here and now he has created for himself. He doesn't need or desire those rites.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I've learned so many things, much more than I can recall right now. Mostly, during these past months, I've come to realize that it is, in the words of the song I posted in my last entry, the climb. That really is what matters, and ultimately, all that matters. The climb. How we live day in and day out. Because there will always be lessons to learn. And there will always be mountains to move. There will always be something else to cope with. What matters is the coping, the climb. And I know that when the emotional and mental and physical bank account are drained dry, the climb can seem insurmountable. And it isn't always easy to make deposits to those accounts. Somehow, the climb itself must include ways to put back, before we run out. I forgot that in the past months, and I'm not done finding ways to refill what was depleted. I'm trying but I'm still quite empty. I'm not there yet. Somedays I can't face the frikkin climb at all, and really just need to pull the covers over my head and wish it would all go away. But that isn't an option, so I put on my big girl panties and get on with it. That's what good girls do, right?

But it is all about the climb. And I will be and in fact, AM, fine. None of the worries of today will be seen from a galloping horse, as my Grandmother used to say. I've missed everyone here, and yet I've had nothing to give. I was overwhelmed at the thought of trying to read and participate even as I was missing you all.

As I get myself put back together, I am trusting and believing that I will once again find joy and energy in participating in this wonderful community. I hope it's soon. I think even writing this much is a good first step.

huggggggg
Tapestry

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