Awhile back I was reading one of the positive sites I enjoy, and that day it was highlighting a quote from Joseph Kim. 

"Hope is personal. Hope is something that no one can give to you. You have to choose to believe in hope. You have to make it yourself."

The site author went on to ask readers, "What would it take to enlarge your own hope right now?"

That day, as I looked at those words, I felt a sinking sensation in my soul.  Because I realized that  I was struggling.  I realized I wasn't feeling very positive.   I work so hard at not allowing my outlook to be dimmed by circumstances over which I have no control. Often it's an effortless thing for me, part of who I am I guess, to see the bright side, or realize that in the end all will be well. My grandmother  used a saying to express the relative uselessness of worry, "It will never be seen from a galloping horse."

So it's especially frustrating for me to be in a place, personally, where the pieces of my life truly are perched atop a precipice. It's clear it's all about to topple over the edge, but whether I'm able to fly or end up dashed against the rocks at the bottom is all in the hands of someone else. 

And that's hard to take. It's hard to see the bright side, it's hard to keep on hoping for the best, and yet that's really all I have right now. If the worst happens I'll get through it, I'm resilient that way. But to be so powerless over such potential calamity is wearing me down, mentally, physically, psychologically. 

I will keep hope alive, and right now, I don't know that my hope could possibly be enlarged, there is nothing else BUT hope.  My hope is a massive thing in the face of dire circumstances, with no control of the outcome. But I DO choose to hope, I DON'T give up, and it IS personal. Maybe I'll find that while I can't fly, the tide has rolled in so I can land softly in the water. Maybe I'll find that hope floats.

How big is YOUR hope?

  

If You Are Unhappy

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.  In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.  The sparrow thought it was the end.  But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.  The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

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Greetings and cheer to all, I think of you often, W/we keep up with your writings (I must confess that "W" is better at that than "w" is, but He keeps me informed for the most part.)  In time I may find myself more drawn to sharing in this space again, I hope that is true.  But in the meantime, do not think any of you have been forgotten!

Peace
Tapestry

Just had to share. :)
I'm not here much, but am still around, hope all is well with you and yours.

Happy New Year!

Desiderata, by  Max Ehrmann


Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Happy happy New Year!!


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Seasons Change

As my son has grown life has changed.  That has been pretty well documented over time throughout these pages.  :)

And one of the ways that is most obvious is around the Holidays, when I don't get to keep him to myself, here at home.  I don't even just have to share him with his biological father, but have also had to learn to (gracefully) share him with his girlfriend and her family.  Given that I refuse to have him think of me the way his father thinks of my former mother-in-law, I would bite my tongue off before I would pressure him to be with me and stay here on the Holidays.  Instead, I bury that hurt and try to put on a happy face, and be the kind of parent that he WANTS to be with.  And of course, at the end of the day, I am, Master and I are, O/our home is, the place where O/our son always returns to.  W/we are his home, deep in his heart.

So at Thanksgiving, he was with his girlfriend, and Master's family was all out of State where W/we were unable to join them (as is mine).  He and I spent O/our Thanksgiving alone, not unhappy but perhaps feeling the poignancy of a non-traditional day.  It was wonderful in it's own right, feeling happy to be together, relaxing, and spending time together doing exactly what W/we wanted, when and how W/we chose.  It was especially good since I've been battling back from a severe Vitamin D deficiency (which I didn't even know I had, but which now explains an awful lot of the ennui I've been suffering.)  Anyway, Thanksgiving was quiet, good, if different.

And son's girlfriend was cheerfully chattering on to me one day about her plans for them to spend Christmas with her family - completely oblivious to my feelings and the possible need/desire I might have to see my only child.  She was, I think, also a bit oblivious to my son's need and desire to be with me for at least part of Christmas as well.  All the days and weeks leading up to the Day I was mentally lecturing myself that I had to let go gracefully, that he was grown, and needed to live his own life, and that as the future unfolded I would be spending many holidays without his presence, which was fine.  I did a pretty good job convincing myself, and accepting the portion of his time I was to be allotted in the days before and after those immediately surrounding the Holiday.

And things changed.  I wonder if I had ranted and raved and moaned about how unfair and awful the plans were if I would have been stuck with them, or if my acceptance and peace perhaps allowed things to change. Either way, change they did.  And they have both been with U/us for MOST of the time.  The week before they were here, as his University Holiday had begun already.  They were helping around the house with cleaning and decorations and preparing for the Holiday.  They were with U/us on Christmas Eve when we prepared my family's traditional Christmas meal of a standing rib roast, Yorkshire Pudding, glazed carrots, layered salad, crusty rolls, all topped off by a scrumptious trifle.  They enjoyed the meal and the company of one of Master's brothers and his family.  They enjoyed the late night viewing of "Love Actually" after the guests went home.

They were both here the next morning for the traditional opening of our Stockings, followed by a nice breakfast, clean up, and then the unwrapping of gifts around the Christmas Tree.  They left to go to her mom's house around Noon, and Master and I had some time to kick back and relax before O/our dear friends, newly married, came to share the evening with U/us.  Instead of going straight to my son's father's house after spending time at his girl-friend's mom's, the kids stopped here and were able to say Hi to O/our friends, someone who is special to son too.  It was nice for him to meet her husband and introduce her to his new girlfriend.  They left to go to his father's where they spent the night and returned home to U/us the next day.  He always returns to U/us.  :)

So, the day after Christmas, before the kids came back, Master and I relaxed and rested to regain O/our strength after the exertions of the Holiday and the days leading up to it.  I must confess, without the Vitamin D supplements of the past months I would never have made it through this whirlwind of activity, and I am very grateful to my doctors and health care providers for diagnosing and fixing this problem.

Today, I had a routine mammogram in the morning (BAD TOUCH!!!!!)  followed by a trip to the Fire Museum with Master, son, son's girlfriend, sister-in-law, niece, nephew, (brother-in-law had to work) and a dear friend and her husband.  We enjoyed viewing the old time fire equipment, and seeing the history of fire-fighting through the years.  The museum also had a lovely train garden set up for the Christmas Holiday, and after the 9 of us finished in the museum we went to a nearby restaurant and enjoyed a delightful lunch.

On the drive home, I realized that so far, this has just been one of the very best Holidays I've experienced in many years.  I prepared myself for a lonely, poignant, quiet Holiday, (even though being blessed to have my Master and sharing Life with Him is more than enough, there is just something about Holidays that has U/us both expecting to be with extended family.  And while I was prepared for the quiet, non-traditional, I was instead, given a wonderful, family and friend-filled Holiday that has been more lovely than words can say.

Some of this is because I'm more physically ABLE to have this type of schedule and celebration, and I have not been physically able in the past few years.  I cannot say enough about what the Vitamin D deficiency did to me.  It's barely noticeable as it's happening, slowly adjusting to less and less capability, not knowing why, not really realizing anything is wrong that can be fixed.  Instead, when conscious of the reduced abilities, assuming it's age, or weight, arthritis, depression, lots of things to explain the diminished capabilities.  And then when the Vitamin D starts to take affect, and all of a sudden I am energetic and filled with zest for life, the mental and physical willingness and interest in doing things - it's truly dramatic.  So that's some of why I've been able to entertain IN my (O/our) home again.

But I still think some of this is granted because I don't push and force and try to pound people to be the way I want them to be.  I don't insist on getting my own way.  I try, at least with my son, to step back and allow him to fly on his own, making sure that he knows that I am, and always will be, the wind beneath his wings.  And so perhaps the Universe provided for me, because I was willing to accept less.  Perhaps, because I chose to view the glass as full rather than empty (after all, if it has half water and half air, then it IS full,) I was given an over-flowing glass.

I don't know.  That all might be silliness and crazy conjecture, but it could just be the truth.  I'll never really know for sure, but I do feel there was great benefit to me in practicing acceptance and willingness to compromise.

Tomorrow, Master has decided W/we will travel out of State to visit my mother, and give her Christmas gifts to her in person.  I had never even thought this was a possibility, and am elated that He gave this to me, and to her.  And guess what?  O/our son and his girlfriend are going with U/us to visit his grandmother too.

Is the Universe good or what???  :)

I am a blessed and lucky and happy little girl.

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Like No One Is Watching

I read this on the 14th of November, and made a note that I wanted to share it since it really spoke to me.  Better late than never I think.  I appreciate so much The Daily OM for sending out inspiring messages each day.  They don't all speak to me as this one did - but I'm sure they all speak to someone, and I'm grateful for the workings of the Universe to provide.

November 14, 2011
Like No One Is Watching
Shake Your Tail Feathers

Over time, we have learned to suppress some of the most fun aspects of our individuality.

Most of us express our distinctiveness in many ways throughout our lives. Although, as we proudly share our offbeat traits and preferences with the world, we take great pains to downplay those eccentricities we ourselves deem odd. Instead of living lives colored by these quirky impulses, we seek out socially acceptable outlets for our peculiarities. We may not realize that we are editing ourselves in this way because our individual societal awareness is unintentionally attuned to the attitudes of the people we encounter each day. Over time, we have learned to suppress some of the most fun aspects of individuality. To rediscover and embrace these buried traits, we need only ask ourselves what we would do if we knew for certain that no one would judge our choices.

Visualizing this day without judgment can help you better understand the idiosyncrasies that are an important part of who you are but seldom manifest themselves in your existence. Perhaps you secretly dream of replacing grown-up, conservative clothing in favor of a changing array of costumes. You may envision yourself painting your car electric-green, hugging the trees in a crowded local park, singing joyous songs as you skip through your community, or taking up an exciting hobby like fire spinning. Try not to be surprised, however, if your imagination takes you in unexpectedly simple directions. In your musings, you may see yourself doing things such as breaking out in dance or dying your hair a fun color. Regardless of the nature of your suppressed peculiarities, ask yourself what is really stopping you from making them a part of your life, and then resolve to incorporate at least one into your everyday existence.

Life as we know it is so short. Making the most of years we are granted is a matter of being ourselves even though we know that we will inevitably encounter people who disapprove of our choices. When you shake your tail feathers like no one is watching, you will discover that there are many others who appreciate you because you are willing to let go of any inhibition. By doing this you help others know it is okay. No one else in the world is precisely like you and, each time you revel in this simple fact, you rededicate yourself to the celebration of individuality.




The one thing this did was to reinforce for me that it just doesn't matter what other people think about me.  I can't please them all anyway, and there's really no need to bother trying.  I'm only responsible for making ME happy.  
Such a relief.


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Just Had To Share

:)

Well???   It does!

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