Sunday, November 29, 2009

This Magic Moment

We went for our usual walk at the park today. Peanuts clutched in hand to feed the squirrels, and this time Master even brought the camera to capture the little cuties begging and munching, as well as the reeds on the shoreline. We've been photographing the reeds every 3 months, the last time will be in February, and we'll have a year in the life of a reed, so to speak. Master was unusually pokey getting ready to go, fussing over his camera and camera bag. We usually just head out for our walk without all the fuss, but I just waited patiently like a good girl, watching the little doggie across the street trying to convince her owners to let her back into the house. I'm easily amused. :)

But we finally leave, and arrive to a crowded park - it was so nice out today, a bit warmer and a lot dryer than it has been for days and days (perhaps weeks.) We enjoy the walk, the outdoors, the squirrels, and remember to stop at the right pier to go see the reeds. Master sits down as usual to snap pix while I wander about watching the water and the sparkly places where the sun reflects off the ripples. I go look for some more squirrels to feed, just being patient while Master takes photos. I've learned from experience that you just can't rush creativity, or the process, or Him in general. :)

When I wander back to Him and He appears to be done I offer my hand to help Him stand up (there are no railings on the pier.) He takes my hand and raises up as high as His knee, and then pauses. He says something I don't remember, and then shows me a diamond ring and asks me to marry Him! I really was speechless! My eyes began to water, and I know I was laughing and grinning like a fool, and I remember kissing Him. I'm pretty sure I finally said yes and He did place the ring on my finger. Such a special ring since it belonged to his Grandmother. And all the while I was in such a daze!

So He sits back down and reaches into His camera bag, I'm just standing there dazed and gazing at my hand with the ring sparkling in the sunshine, and instead of putting the camera things away so we could resume our walk or move to a different spot, I realize He has brought a bottle of champagne out of the camera bag! (Geez, no wonder it took Him so long to get ready to leave!) So I sit down on the pier with Him and we toast the event and gaze like silly kids into each other's eyes. Then He wants to take pictures of the ring, I'm self-conscious because I'm in need of a manicure, lol, but He putters around with the camera and lighting and focusing and snapping a bunch of photos. We finally pack it up and resume our walk much to the relief of the hungry squirrels. :)

After we return home there are calls to my son (in another state visiting his girlfriend) and my mother. We update our Facebook profiles simultaneously - now that's the height of romantic in this age of inter-webs! And later we dine at our favorite sushi restaurant to celebrate the occasion!

So now you know our news - and I've got a written record of the event to help my feeble mind recall the details. I'm already so fuzzy about the actual proposal and moments just after. I'm crystal clear leading up to and later on, but right there at the moment? It's all a blur, lol.

Life is good, and I hope you are each as blessed with peace and love today and everyday.


Saturday, November 14, 2009

Good Question Michelle!

I love the chatbox in the right margin of this blog. It's a great tool for connecting with others. Recently, Michelle asked, "What made you want to be a slavegirl?"

Certainly far too much runs through my mind to fit in the little chatbox, so I'll answer here instead.

The first thought that popped up was that I really didn't want to be one. I mean seriously, why would I want to serve another person? I work full-time outside the home, and then come home and can't always have my own way, can't always relax when I need to, and frequently feel quite overwhelmed. So I don't know that I really want to be a slave.

The thing is, I just am one. Even when there was no name and title for it (before I found out about power-exchange relationships) it's who I was. While I do need down-time, and can't always take care of and provide for the others in my life the way I'd like to (including Master,) the fact still remains that I am at my best and happiest when I am able to serve. When I feel I've made a positive difference for someone else. In truth, my career is in the service industry, where I care for and provide for others. And since I'm in management, I not only care for the needs of my customers but also my employees.

Even without knowing the first thing about power-exchange, service and slavery, I naturally needed to serve. The short answer is I don't want to be a slave an awful lot of the time. And yet I am happiest when the needs of others are being cared for. I am happier in my relationship with Master when I am able to follow His lead and know that He is happy. That feeds me and meets my needs.

All of that is quite separate from BDSM and my masochistic side. Just enjoying BDSM play is not, for me, related to service. Many folks get caught up in labels and the linguistics used to describe WIITWD, so I'm finding it difficult to describe my feelings here, because I don't want to step on the feelings of anyone else. So try to see beyond the words and understand my heart.

I enjoy masochistic play, and really enjoy that lovely flight into another plane which we usually describe as sub-space. I could pretty much enjoy that play and flight with any skilled sadist, especially if I trusted the person and knew that I was safe. At the end of the play, I could walk away from that sadist, without feeling the need to submit my will to nor serve that person. I would feel equal to that person, knowing that their sadistic needs were met by my own masochistic needs - they needed me as much as I needed them.

Another layer for me is submission of will - doing and being the person that dominant wants me to be. Eating what and how they want me to, cooking the way they want me to, wearing the clothes they want me to, behaving (privately and publicly) the way they want me to. Opening myself to their control, in all areas, not just in the playroom and bedroom. This could also be accomplished with a strong dominant type with whom there was some chemistry. This is a layer deeper for me than just play. But it isn't the deepest layer. After all, I submitted my will easily to the desires and wishes of my father while I was growing up, and even for quite a long time after I was married and not living with nor dependent on my Dad.

The deepest layer for me is in service. And it isn't glamorous. There's nothing fun about cleaning someone's toilet. And yet, that layer is where I find the most intense challenges to my commitment. Because frankly, I don't want to. I don't wanna! I don't like it and it isn't fair. Nobody ever takes care of me. Why do I havta do it? This is the layer where there is very little gratitude, and is typically not even noticed. This is the place where day in and day out, the needs are simply taken care of, and no one even notices. Unless there's a problem. ;)

So why do I engage in service? And no, it isn't just cleaning toilets, it's all the many ways we care for others day in and day out. The cooking and the cleaning are part of it, and the laundry, and all the ways the household needs to function. Yet there are plenty of times when Master will pitch in and even take care of those tasks Himself. So what else is service? Because for me, that's ultimately what makes me a slavegirl. It's the heart and desire to serve, to care for, and make things easier for the ones I love. And that is reserved for those I care deeply for. And I'm not sure I can say, after all this what makes me want to be a slavegirl, I just am one. I need to serve, even in icky tasks that no one likes to do. I need to know I've helped the people I love as they travel the paths of their lives. Sometimes the service may take the form of staying "hands-off" while they sort through things on their own, and sometimes it means packing their lunches for them. My service takes many forms, and it is not often of my own choosing, but rather meeting the need that they have.

So I hope that answers the question. I feel unsatisfied with my response but the truth is, I don't want to be a slave, I simply am a slave. And even when I don't actively pursue and engage in slavery with Master and with the BDSM overtones/undertones, I need and find outlets for service in other areas of my life.

I know that my layers and the descriptions I gave of those layers aren't the same for other people. Please don't take my words as definitions nor universal descriptions for other people, they really only work for and apply to me. (Or as Donkey and Shrek would say, what seems like a parfait to me appears to be an onion to someone else.)


Friday, November 6, 2009

Right Now

I was reading something Elle shared called Middle Ground, and her reply to one of the comments really resonated with me.

"I read something the other day about how much of our unhappiness comes from not being in the moment. How we either fret about the past, or worry about the future. Something in that poked quietly at a place of understanding for me. Its something I’m musing on."

I've heard this referred to many ways, including:

  • Be where your feet are.
  • Be present in the moment.
  • Live in the here and now.
  • Live on purpose.
And of course several more that just flew out of my head. And they are all so true, for many reasons. Living consciously right now and right here - because we cannot fully appreciate this moment and receive all it has to offer if we don't. And because this moment will never come around again, and opportunities for growth and love and all the possibility will be gone when this moment is gone.

Of course we're always reminded that tomorrow is never promised, so we must live for today and appreciate and enjoy life while we have it. I really learned the value of that lesson when my Dad died many years ago.

All of this is so true, yet because it sounds trite, or like feel-good mumbo-jumbo we don't take it seriously and we don't really make it a priority to live in each moment. How often we discount an important truth which could have dramatic impact on our lives because it sounds too easy, or too silly.

In truth, how silly of us to not recognize that small and simple is usually best, no need for big complicated drama. How self-destructive of us not to take control of our minds and force ourselves to practice that which we know will benefit us. How arrogant of us to not realize that allowing unhappiness to rule our hearts and minds will cause damage to us physically, mentally, emotionally, and will also harm those we love.

Today, I again choose to live in the here and now. Today, and tomorrow, and the next day, I will need help to keep my focus on the present, to be mentally and emotionally where my feet are. To not live in reaction to others and their moods and foibles, but to live consciously and on purpose, actively choosing that which is best for me.

I challenge others to do the same. Because the truth is, no matter how used to the unhappiness and discomfort and pain we are, and no matter how comfy the familiar is, letting it go, living in and focusing on this moment, right now, is exponentially better and will bring so much more to life than the old comfy rags of unhappiness.

It's time.