Monday, December 7, 2009

True Heroes

The following was in my email inbox this morning with my weekly Ripples, and I am compelled to share.

Our planet is filled with heroes, young and old, rich and poor, man, woman of different colors, shapes and sizes. We are one great tapestry. Each person has a hidden hero within, you just have to look inside you and search for it in your heart, and be the hero to the next one in need. The hero in you is waiting to be unleashed. Serve, serve well, serve others above yourself and be happy to are the change that you dream, as I am the change that I dream, and collectively we are the change that this world needs to be. -Efren PeƱaflorida, 2009 CNN Hero of the Year

So much in this speaks so to me. Rather than pontificate myself, I'll let the words stand alone, and hopefully speak to you too.



Sunday, November 29, 2009

This Magic Moment

We went for our usual walk at the park today. Peanuts clutched in hand to feed the squirrels, and this time Master even brought the camera to capture the little cuties begging and munching, as well as the reeds on the shoreline. We've been photographing the reeds every 3 months, the last time will be in February, and we'll have a year in the life of a reed, so to speak. Master was unusually pokey getting ready to go, fussing over his camera and camera bag. We usually just head out for our walk without all the fuss, but I just waited patiently like a good girl, watching the little doggie across the street trying to convince her owners to let her back into the house. I'm easily amused. :)

But we finally leave, and arrive to a crowded park - it was so nice out today, a bit warmer and a lot dryer than it has been for days and days (perhaps weeks.) We enjoy the walk, the outdoors, the squirrels, and remember to stop at the right pier to go see the reeds. Master sits down as usual to snap pix while I wander about watching the water and the sparkly places where the sun reflects off the ripples. I go look for some more squirrels to feed, just being patient while Master takes photos. I've learned from experience that you just can't rush creativity, or the process, or Him in general. :)

When I wander back to Him and He appears to be done I offer my hand to help Him stand up (there are no railings on the pier.) He takes my hand and raises up as high as His knee, and then pauses. He says something I don't remember, and then shows me a diamond ring and asks me to marry Him! I really was speechless! My eyes began to water, and I know I was laughing and grinning like a fool, and I remember kissing Him. I'm pretty sure I finally said yes and He did place the ring on my finger. Such a special ring since it belonged to his Grandmother. And all the while I was in such a daze!

So He sits back down and reaches into His camera bag, I'm just standing there dazed and gazing at my hand with the ring sparkling in the sunshine, and instead of putting the camera things away so we could resume our walk or move to a different spot, I realize He has brought a bottle of champagne out of the camera bag! (Geez, no wonder it took Him so long to get ready to leave!) So I sit down on the pier with Him and we toast the event and gaze like silly kids into each other's eyes. Then He wants to take pictures of the ring, I'm self-conscious because I'm in need of a manicure, lol, but He putters around with the camera and lighting and focusing and snapping a bunch of photos. We finally pack it up and resume our walk much to the relief of the hungry squirrels. :)

After we return home there are calls to my son (in another state visiting his girlfriend) and my mother. We update our Facebook profiles simultaneously - now that's the height of romantic in this age of inter-webs! And later we dine at our favorite sushi restaurant to celebrate the occasion!

So now you know our news - and I've got a written record of the event to help my feeble mind recall the details. I'm already so fuzzy about the actual proposal and moments just after. I'm crystal clear leading up to and later on, but right there at the moment? It's all a blur, lol.

Life is good, and I hope you are each as blessed with peace and love today and everyday.


Saturday, November 14, 2009

Good Question Michelle!

I love the chatbox in the right margin of this blog. It's a great tool for connecting with others. Recently, Michelle asked, "What made you want to be a slavegirl?"

Certainly far too much runs through my mind to fit in the little chatbox, so I'll answer here instead.

The first thought that popped up was that I really didn't want to be one. I mean seriously, why would I want to serve another person? I work full-time outside the home, and then come home and can't always have my own way, can't always relax when I need to, and frequently feel quite overwhelmed. So I don't know that I really want to be a slave.

The thing is, I just am one. Even when there was no name and title for it (before I found out about power-exchange relationships) it's who I was. While I do need down-time, and can't always take care of and provide for the others in my life the way I'd like to (including Master,) the fact still remains that I am at my best and happiest when I am able to serve. When I feel I've made a positive difference for someone else. In truth, my career is in the service industry, where I care for and provide for others. And since I'm in management, I not only care for the needs of my customers but also my employees.

Even without knowing the first thing about power-exchange, service and slavery, I naturally needed to serve. The short answer is I don't want to be a slave an awful lot of the time. And yet I am happiest when the needs of others are being cared for. I am happier in my relationship with Master when I am able to follow His lead and know that He is happy. That feeds me and meets my needs.

All of that is quite separate from BDSM and my masochistic side. Just enjoying BDSM play is not, for me, related to service. Many folks get caught up in labels and the linguistics used to describe WIITWD, so I'm finding it difficult to describe my feelings here, because I don't want to step on the feelings of anyone else. So try to see beyond the words and understand my heart.

I enjoy masochistic play, and really enjoy that lovely flight into another plane which we usually describe as sub-space. I could pretty much enjoy that play and flight with any skilled sadist, especially if I trusted the person and knew that I was safe. At the end of the play, I could walk away from that sadist, without feeling the need to submit my will to nor serve that person. I would feel equal to that person, knowing that their sadistic needs were met by my own masochistic needs - they needed me as much as I needed them.

Another layer for me is submission of will - doing and being the person that dominant wants me to be. Eating what and how they want me to, cooking the way they want me to, wearing the clothes they want me to, behaving (privately and publicly) the way they want me to. Opening myself to their control, in all areas, not just in the playroom and bedroom. This could also be accomplished with a strong dominant type with whom there was some chemistry. This is a layer deeper for me than just play. But it isn't the deepest layer. After all, I submitted my will easily to the desires and wishes of my father while I was growing up, and even for quite a long time after I was married and not living with nor dependent on my Dad.

The deepest layer for me is in service. And it isn't glamorous. There's nothing fun about cleaning someone's toilet. And yet, that layer is where I find the most intense challenges to my commitment. Because frankly, I don't want to. I don't wanna! I don't like it and it isn't fair. Nobody ever takes care of me. Why do I havta do it? This is the layer where there is very little gratitude, and is typically not even noticed. This is the place where day in and day out, the needs are simply taken care of, and no one even notices. Unless there's a problem. ;)

So why do I engage in service? And no, it isn't just cleaning toilets, it's all the many ways we care for others day in and day out. The cooking and the cleaning are part of it, and the laundry, and all the ways the household needs to function. Yet there are plenty of times when Master will pitch in and even take care of those tasks Himself. So what else is service? Because for me, that's ultimately what makes me a slavegirl. It's the heart and desire to serve, to care for, and make things easier for the ones I love. And that is reserved for those I care deeply for. And I'm not sure I can say, after all this what makes me want to be a slavegirl, I just am one. I need to serve, even in icky tasks that no one likes to do. I need to know I've helped the people I love as they travel the paths of their lives. Sometimes the service may take the form of staying "hands-off" while they sort through things on their own, and sometimes it means packing their lunches for them. My service takes many forms, and it is not often of my own choosing, but rather meeting the need that they have.

So I hope that answers the question. I feel unsatisfied with my response but the truth is, I don't want to be a slave, I simply am a slave. And even when I don't actively pursue and engage in slavery with Master and with the BDSM overtones/undertones, I need and find outlets for service in other areas of my life.

I know that my layers and the descriptions I gave of those layers aren't the same for other people. Please don't take my words as definitions nor universal descriptions for other people, they really only work for and apply to me. (Or as Donkey and Shrek would say, what seems like a parfait to me appears to be an onion to someone else.)


Friday, November 6, 2009

Right Now

I was reading something Elle shared called Middle Ground, and her reply to one of the comments really resonated with me.

"I read something the other day about how much of our unhappiness comes from not being in the moment. How we either fret about the past, or worry about the future. Something in that poked quietly at a place of understanding for me. Its something I’m musing on."

I've heard this referred to many ways, including:

  • Be where your feet are.
  • Be present in the moment.
  • Live in the here and now.
  • Live on purpose.
And of course several more that just flew out of my head. And they are all so true, for many reasons. Living consciously right now and right here - because we cannot fully appreciate this moment and receive all it has to offer if we don't. And because this moment will never come around again, and opportunities for growth and love and all the possibility will be gone when this moment is gone.

Of course we're always reminded that tomorrow is never promised, so we must live for today and appreciate and enjoy life while we have it. I really learned the value of that lesson when my Dad died many years ago.

All of this is so true, yet because it sounds trite, or like feel-good mumbo-jumbo we don't take it seriously and we don't really make it a priority to live in each moment. How often we discount an important truth which could have dramatic impact on our lives because it sounds too easy, or too silly.

In truth, how silly of us to not recognize that small and simple is usually best, no need for big complicated drama. How self-destructive of us not to take control of our minds and force ourselves to practice that which we know will benefit us. How arrogant of us to not realize that allowing unhappiness to rule our hearts and minds will cause damage to us physically, mentally, emotionally, and will also harm those we love.

Today, I again choose to live in the here and now. Today, and tomorrow, and the next day, I will need help to keep my focus on the present, to be mentally and emotionally where my feet are. To not live in reaction to others and their moods and foibles, but to live consciously and on purpose, actively choosing that which is best for me.

I challenge others to do the same. Because the truth is, no matter how used to the unhappiness and discomfort and pain we are, and no matter how comfy the familiar is, letting it go, living in and focusing on this moment, right now, is exponentially better and will bring so much more to life than the old comfy rags of unhappiness.

It's time.


Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy All Saints Day Eve!

Or Happy Halloween for short!


Saturday, October 24, 2009

For PirateDaddy

Under the weight of your wings
You are a god and whatever I want you to be
And I wonder if truly you are
Nearly as beautiful as I believe

Anna Nalick, "In My Head"


Saturday, October 10, 2009

The Journey

There seems to be more and more awareness among many in the bloggy places that this is a journey with no apparent destination. By that, I mean that I am here to share my thoughts, my heart, work through the puzzles, celebrate the joys and find meaning and significance in my world. I do so by writing, sharing meaningful things that have been shared by others, and connecting with those I find here.

So it's good to know about this journey and why I'm here, and that even as I travel the path I will never actually arrive - I'm not really trying to go anywhere I'm just living. Knowing this helps me to figure out why I'm NOT here too. I'm not here to impress anyone, or be an expert, or make money. This isn't a sex blog, a BDSM handbook, a motherhood handbook, or anything else. Even if I write about these things, I'm writing from my own limited perspective, and about my own experiences and world; and I'm writing for my own benefit, enjoyment, edification, self-knowledge, and record-keeping purposes. Often this blog is a way for me to mark milestones, bookmark/note things that have touched me, or just have fun.

I've never once looked at statistics related to my blog, I don't have one of those counter thingys, and I doubt very many people even read here. This isn't the interesting stuff found in other places. And that's more than fine with me, since I feel no pressure about this place - it's just my place to share me.

And yet, I do know there are a few people who read here. Some are like-minded folks who share my propensity to find relevance. Some are friends who may not care to figure it all out but still like to keep up with me. Some are lurkers, I think (how would I know for sure? lol) And while there are some that are scattered across the globe whom I've never met in person, there may be others who live nearby and are even friends of or friendly with PirateDaddy and me.

Sometimes I may not say exactly what's in my mind, the way I want to say it, because I'm aware of the audience, however limited it is. There are quite a few who I would actually say anything and everything in front of, because there is a level of trust and awareness that you "get me" that allows me to feel comfortable. But there are times, when local references would be lost on those far away, and times when I feel that too much personal detail could pose a problem in O/our real-time social life. I mean really, all evidence to the contrary in the blog world, there is such a thing as TMI!

So it's one thing altogether to say that this is my blog, it's all about me, I write what I want, I'm not trying to impress anyone (sound childish enough for you yet?) But the reality is, I am aware of constraints, even if they are self-imposed.

So what have I learned and what does this change? Nothing really. I'm still in service to PirateDaddy, and the mother of an 18 year old son. I still work full time outside the home, and do my best inside the home with whats left of my resources. I still try to learn and grow and figure out what serving Him means on a daily basis (it's not always very clear to me, and daily life being what it is, He isn't always 'splaining.) More and more I realize that W/we are just 2 people making their way in the world. W/we find ourselves at home and comfortable in a power-exchange type of relationship, and are very much the sadist and masochist as well. (These things really do not always exist together. Submission does not equal masochism you know.) And often that is all secondary to living in this world, working, interacting with family, caring for parents and children and pets, and the myriad details of all lives, not just BDSM lives.

So it's really a boring place, but it's my place. Am I able to share all my thoughts here? For the most part yes, except for the self-censored bits that I'm more comfortable sharing in private.

It's my little journey, down a path with no specific destination, and I won't ever actually arrive. There may be twists and turns in the path, and I just follow where they lead. It's very fluid and flexible. And that line just got me - because I realize that it's what I strive to be. Fluid and flexible. This blog helps me do that. And I'm grateful.


Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Daily Om Again

I can't help it, I just love the Daily Om that arrives in my email inbox each morning.

Here's the one for yesterday, and it's right up the alley I'm traveling at this point in my life. My, how the Universe aligns to help us meet our declared intention!

September 29, 2009
Getting Back to Wellness
Seven Quick Fixes To Feel Better

The signals our bodies use to tell us we need to cleanse ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally are multifaceted and often mirror symptoms we associate with illness. If we heed these signs, we not only feel better quickly but also stave off poor health before it can start. These quick fixes for common ailments can get you started.

1. Applying pressure to the acupressure point between the thumb and forefinger can release blockages causing pain, tension, and fatigue. You can relieve a headache naturally by squeezing for 20 seconds and releasing for 10 seconds, without letting go, four times.

2. To breathe freely, irrigate your nasal passages with a neti pot and warm salt water. As you clear and soothe the sinuses, congestion associated with allergies or infection will gradually disappear.

3. Apple cider vinegar is a powerful purifying and detoxifying agent. Soaking for 20 minutes in a warm bath infused with two cups of apple cider vinegar pulls toxins from the body and can clear blocked energy.

4. The foods you eat can have a profound impact on your outlook and mood. Eating a small yet satisfying meal rich in complex carbohydrates can lift your spirit and help you let go of feelings of anger, irritability, and depression.

5. Anxiety and fear dissipate quickly when countered with conscious breathing because concentrating on the breath enables you to refocus your attention inward. You can ground yourself and regain your usual calm by taking a series of deep belly breaths as you visualize your feet growing roots that stretch miles down into the earth.

6. Though tuning out can seem counterproductive, a few minutes spent lost in daydreams or listening to soothing music can help you see your circumstances from a new angle when you feel frustrated.

7. If you feel ill health coming on, brew a wellness elixir. Simmer three sliced lemons, one teaspoon freshly grated ginger, one clove freshly minced garlic, and one quarter teaspoon cayenne pepper in five cups water until the lemons are soft and pale. Strain a portion into a mug and add honey by tablespoons until you can tolerate the taste. Drinking this potent mixture of antibacterial, antiviral, and antifungal ingredients three times each day can ensure your symptoms never progress into a full-blown illness.


Monday, September 28, 2009

Keeping Body and Soul Together

Too much healthy is still too much. (The Leader of my WW group said that this past week.)

If we can remember that our physical reality is most often the result of our inner thoughts and beliefs, we can make changes more easily by going inward. By creating a mental vision of the changes we want to make in our lives, we begin shifting our belief system to more closely fit with the reality we want to create externally. (my Daily Om last Friday.)

Catching up on the past 2 weeks of "Sunday Morning" (CBS) I realize I want to visit more National Parks. I've been to some, am happy to return to them, and would like to visit parks I've never been to before. Just "being" in nature is powerful for our total health I believe.

And another segment on "Sunday Morning" about Steinway and Sons pianos brought tears to my eyes and goosebumps to my skin. I love the sound of a piano. Always have.

Finding the things that feed me is worth the effort. Good food feeds my body, movement and activity energizes my body (I refuse to call it exercise - negative connotation.) But what feeds my soul? What energizes my mind? What fills my heart?

Taking the time to prepare and eat good food is important. So is taking the time to prepare for and engage in more activity and movement. But that's only part of the story, for if I don't take time to prepare for and engage in those things which stimulate my heart, soul, and mind then I'm not whole nor complete.

I'm working on finding more wholeness.

What about you? What "feeds" you?


Sunday, September 27, 2009

This And That

So I took the blog list off my page - I still read the blogs, but I've been using my reader here at blogger and like it. :)

Heard Bill Maher say "Inertia is the enemy," on his HBO show "Real Time" this past Friday night. I thought about that a bit and realized he's so very right.

LOVE the commercial for etrade that has the baby calling an old man a "shank-a-potatmus" after the golf game. Too funny, and yes, I'm easily amused.

Have really enjoyed preparing and eating some very yummy dishes that were both healthy and satisfying. Especially wonderful when Master and I cook together. Really cool to just create from scratch without following a recipe, and having the finished product be so tasty!

Enjoyed a very fun shopping excursion Saturday to Bass Pro Shops for Master, Victoria's Secret and Bath & Body Works for me.

While at B&B Works I was able to pass on a coupon for 20% off the total purchase to the lady behind me in line since I had 2 and could only use 1. Felt good, much better than throwing it away would have felt.

Mom is doing better, obviously still aging and coping with the RA, but at least at home, and able to get around a little. Still hoping her apartment is ready soon.

Realized this past Wednesday that I felt well physically, and was grateful. Seems like the first day this school year so far that I was healthy.

Have taken steps to improve my health in order to avoid a repeat of the past month. It doesn't happen overnight, so I may need to remind myself to hang in there.

Pondering the future for me at work. Stay the course? Look for different work within my field? Change occupations? Hoping for some clear sign from the Universe to help.

All in all, life is GOOD. Very good.


Monday, September 21, 2009

Love Without Limits

Unconditional love. Loving someone without placing conditions on how you will give that love. Giving it freely in spite of imperfections in the person you give it to. Not love that says I'll love you if you change. And of course the reverse - receiving love unconditionally, without placing restrictions on how you will accept the love. Simply allowing someone to love you, in spite of your flaws, and in spite of any flaws the giver may also possess.

Loving another without limits changes throughout our lives I think. As children we love freely and give our love and adoration to those around us. We don't demand that our parents treat us better in order to have our love, children just love. As we grow things change, we make friends as we move out into the world. We find significant others in time, and perhaps later we have children. Love relationships do change and grow and evolve over time. A once close relationship grows more distant, and vice versa, depending on our needs and where we are in life.

Of course, I doubt I'll ever find anything to match the unconditional love that my dog had for me. He truly adored me and everything about me. As far as he was concerned I was perfect. Even when I got mad and yelled at him, or didn't take him for a walk, or stayed away from home too long. He was always sooooo excited to see me and loved me soooo much. He absolutely HATED being separated or away from me. No matter how bad I had been he loved me absolutely.

Yet how much more powerful it is when we are loved unconditionally by a person who is aware of our faults and weaknesses and flaws and still chooses to love us. That kind of love isn't often flowery and giggly. Instead it's the realistic eyes open love that says "I love you even though I don't love a behavior of yours. I love you without you having to be different or perform. I love the essence of you."

Both giving and receiving love without limits is humbling. It is large and full and expansive. And when that love is goes away, as in the case of a death, we feel the loss and lack keenly. There is a smallness and emptiness where there used to be fullness. We lose our security.

Loving and being loved without limits allows me to face the world and stand strong. I have the courage to meet challenges because there are people who love me in spite of my negative behaviors (and whom I love in spite of theirs.) Being accepted as we are gives us the ability to step into the light and embrace it, while allowing us to confront the darkness and overcome it. Sure, we want our loved ones to grow, improve, and change negatives into positives for their own well-being, but those negatives don't stop us from loving them.

This topic has made the rounds lately here in blogland and I wanted to mull it over because I believe it to be one of the most profound things we as humans allow into our lives. Allowing ourselves to give love without placing conditions on those we love is so important. In order to reach our full potential, to learn tolerance, and acceptance we need to give love without limits. But receiving love without limits is just as important. In order to have a sense of security and safety, to be a confident and complete person we need to accept that love.

Both sides of loving without limits are important. We cant give to others effectively if we aren't willing or able to receive. Likewise, we cannot accept this love effectively if we aren't willing to extend it as well. Giving and receiving are intertwined, 2 sides of the same coin as it were. If we have problems with either side, there's something amiss which needs to be addressed if we are to ever flourish emotionally.

And I feel like there's still so much more I'm trying to convey, more that I want to communicate about this topic and how I bring the concept more fully into my life. But I'm to the point where more words are not helpful. I guess it boils down to needing to love and be loved with no limits and restrictions in order to be fully who I am meant to be.

Of course I could just get a dog, it's the next best thing. ;)


Saturday, September 19, 2009

Yummy Pasta

So the other night I was making dinner, tired of the same old side dishes, and started poking around the pantry to see what I could come up with. I found some whole wheat penne pasta (Penne Rigate to be precise) which I decided to cook.

While the water was coming to a boil for the pasta I thought about what to DO with the cooked pasta. Not really knowing what to do, other than knowing that I wasn't in the mood to top it with a red sauce, I started out with some olive oil in the skillet. I added a diced onion, and while that cooked, I decided to use some of the abundant kale I found in my refrigerator. So I chopped that finely, and then added it to the onion. Let that all simmer for awhile, added some salt and pepper, and then tasted. Not quite right. Not terrible, but not quite there.

So I added some Chardonnay, and let that get happy together. When I tasted again it was good, but still lacking. Just didn't have the depth of flavor I was looking for. Master arrived home and after tasting the mixture suggested adding rosemary and thyme. Those flavors made a great addition, but still I felt something else was called for. I ended up following my intuition and adding a can of cream of mushroom soup. Of course it was a little thick, so Master added the rest of the Chardonnay. :)

So it all simmered together for awhile, and once the pasta was cooked I added the penne to the sauce, the yummy side dish was done, and the perfect compliment to the steaks which Master grilled.

Master thought the dish was really tasty, and told me to make a note of the ingredients/recipe so we could make it again. So that's what I just did right here! :) I do think the dish would be just as good with other types of pasta too.

** So I glance into the cabinet today and discover that the pasta I used for the dish, originally reported here as rigatoni, was in fact Penne Rigate. So I edited above (in red) just for the sake of perfectionism. :) I also changed the photo used to one of penne rather than the original pix of rigatoni. I still stand by my last sentence above - I think the sauce would work well on most any type of pasta. (Apparently it works well with both penne and rigatoni, lol!)


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Happiness Habit

"Being miserable is a habit. Being happy is a habit. The choice is yours."
-- Tom Hopkins, sales trainer

This was the Quote of the Day in my inbox at work this morning. And I so completely agree with the statement that I decided to share. I do not have a perfect life. I don't know anyone who does actually, but lets just focus on me, lol. I have difficulties and problems, some minor, some serious. And if I chose to, I could get really down in the dumps and be depressed and blue.

As a general rule though, I don't get very depressed, typically keeping my eyes focused on my belief that the Universe will provide and that at "the end of the day" (or the end of whatever difficulty I'm coping with) all will be fine. And I guess it's that optimism which must allow me to make the happy choice.

I'm certainly not perfect, I do in fact get a little down in the dumps sometimes, but those moods do generally pass rather quickly. And I find that choosing to look on the bright side of life (with a nod to Monty Python) is more energizing than looking on the dark side. Negativity just drains my energy, to the point of incapacitation. And I mean my own negativity as well as negativity in other people. Because of that I make a conscious choice to limit, as well as I can, my exposure to negativity in any form.

This kind of choice is completely within my control, and becomes second nature the more I practice. A habit. I choose to be happy, to see good, to believe that all will be well. I choose to be positive. The problems don't change or go away, that isn't the point. Because being negative won't help the problems go away either. I choose joy, trusting and believing that all will be well. And that actually helps me cope with the difficulty more effectively since my energy level stays higher and my outlook stays more upbeat. That helps me to feel less like a victim and more capable and empowered and able to prevail.

I think some people may find this to be a rather polly-anna-ish outlook, but in reality I'm not at all polly-anna like. I'm in fact a very down-to-earth and practical and common-sensical person. But one who chooses to be happy and look on the bright side and be positive, in the face of all the same problems that most everyone has to deal with.

It works for me, and my belief is that it would work for everyone. But I won't suggest anyone else adopt this outlook or habit of happiness. This is, after all, all about me. :)


Tuesday, September 15, 2009



I mean really.

What demented sadist invented the mammogram?????

Unlike some slaves and submissives I like pain. I mean, I really like pain. I'm a masochist. It's weird and not easy to explain. But this just goes beyond the realm of likability!


It took my breath away. I saw stars.

Annually? You think I'm going to do this every year??? You're high if you think I'm going back in a year. I'll agree to 18-24 months. But that's my limit. And it's a hard limit. And before anyone starts in on me let me reassure you that there is not 1 person to whom I am related by blood who has any history of breast cancer. And. I do regular routine breast self examination, and if I felt something I would go immediately.

'nuff said.

How was YOUR day? lol


Saturday, September 12, 2009

Glimpses of Clarity

So many people having so many eye-opening thoughts and break-through moments, and other significant events and explorations to share lately.

I've been quite caught up in all my own drama, the start of the school year and loss of summer ease, Mom's move, my illness, and more.

The latest is Mom's hospitalization for the infection she's been battling for a couple years now. The infection prevents her from receiving her treatment for RA (rheumatoid arthritis) since the drugs would force the bacteria into all her joints where the bacteria would then destroy what is left of her joints and her physical abilities. So, we need to get rid of this infection once and for all, because without her RA meds she is almost unable to function independently at all.

Anyway, the urologist in her new city determined that the bacteria Mom's battling is resistant to all oral meds, and so decided to admit her to the hospital for IV antibiotics. Wonder why the urologist here didn't do the same? *pout* I'm very glad that she's getting the care and treatment she needs, and at the same time I'm beside myself that I'm not there to take care of her. None of her friends are there to visit and cheer her, and my sister isn't able, or can't make the time, to visit and spend time at the hospital. I'm trying to be calm, but I've been through lots of hospital stays with Mom and I know how to help her get the best care. How to interact with the medical folks so they know what Mom needs, even when she won't or can't articulate for herself. I remember to take her a Starbucks Vanilla Latte everyday. I stay for a few hours, help her with whatever she needs. I take her used clothing home to wash and return it clean the next day. I stop to buy supplies and things that will help her stay be easier. I buy yummy dinners for her every other day or so - even nice restaurants do carry out!

And so perhaps, even when I explain to my sister what to do to take care of Mom, she might not do it the way I did. I have no control. And I hate that. How can I be sure she's getting the best care and that her way is smoothed ahead of her if I'm not there and in charge? I can't. And there's nothing I can do about that. grrrrrr

And I think how much my struggles resemble what I've been reading in other blogs. Oh maybe not a sick loved one, or finally having to cut those apron strings after 45 years of life, but at other levels. Practicing unconditional love, the giving and receiving of it that is. Learning to be transparent in our relationships, beginning with ourselves. Learning to not make value judgments about other people's behavior, instead letting go and accepting. At a variety of levels and in myriad ways, this is what I'm reading around the bloggy places. The specific situations are different for each of us and the ways we are working through these concepts is different. But the core of our situations, at the heart, lies the universal human condition.

And that is why we've found each other, among the thousands and thousands of bloggers in this world, we've found one another because we deal with similar life and relationship issues even as we all walk such unique and individual paths. Collectively we are one, and we help ourselves and each other when we write and share on our blogs and comment on one another's blogs. When we ponder on what we've read we see how the ideas apply or don't apply to ourselves, and we grow.

We are a mutually beneficial community of people living separate lives. And I think perhaps it is the very anonymity we have here which allows us to share ourselves so honestly. Whatever it is, I'm grateful. Because it helps me to work through my own deal as I read your viewpoint and the way you handle your deal. Thank you.


Thursday, September 10, 2009

Proper English

On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation. The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, all the time wondering what was to come.

The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year-old.

With a grip on his shoulder, the medicine man warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition - or one will end up with a dangling participle!


Friday, September 4, 2009

Bad Day?

Today was like that Daniel Powter song, "Bad Day".

At least as I was driving home fretting over the $75 stolen out of my office today, and the repercussions that will ensue, it seemed like a bad day.

And I was missing my Mom. Can't even call and talk to her since I HAVE NO VOICE!

And I'm not well yet, I struggled through a day made worse for having missed the last day and a half.

And this, that, and the other. I could go on.

And then I remembered, that I didn't have to frame all these things in a negative way.

I could choose to change the conversation in my head and focus on the positive and place a positive spin on things. I could choose to remember that in all things I will do more than survive, I will thrive. Because I choose to.

And it helped to remember that I had allowed my blood sugar to drop, through improper nutrition today. (Let's forget the part about me being a nationally credentialed School Nutrition Specialist, k?) But at least remembering the lack of food today helped to explain a portion of my "oh woe is me" whining. Which then helps me to know that after I eat something I'll feel better.

And in the song? Daniel sings about needing a blue sky holiday. That made me smile - maybe that means I'm supposed to go visit Elle. Now that is a splendid idea indeed!

And I'm smiling as I think of it, and laughing at something inane Master just said (no disrespect intended but I'm having trouble picturing a Naval Carrier Ship parked in our driveway!)

And while none of the gloomy things I was lamenting to myself about a few hours ago has changed even one little whit, I can still be happy and smile and have a GOOD day. Has Daniel got a song about that??


Thursday, September 3, 2009

You Won't believe This!

At least I don't believe it.

But here we are, the 4th day of the new school year, and I'm at home. This past Monday evening I developed a sore throat. Hmm, odd. But no worries. Took a hot shower and some advil and went to sleep. The first day back for students had gone well, and I'm sure I just talked too much,

Tuesday morning, day 2, I wake up and have no voice. And my throat hurts. I go to work, and manage somehow to do my job, even as I get worse as the day goes on. I come home and take a nap, and again, as the evening progresses I find I'm getting worse yet. So off to the Dr I go, where they find I have an upper respiratory infection, give me some prescriptions, and directions to stay home for the next few days.

Well, I feel like death warmed over, but it's only the third day of school, so Wednesday morning I drag my sorry ass into work. Two hours later I drag it back home, and here I am again today.

And the stupid part of all this? I'm more worried about my boss being angry that I'm not at work than I am about actually being sick.


Sometimes this submissive, people pleaser personality just does not work in my best interest!

Nevertheless, I'm certain I'll be better soon, and back to myself. I'd forgotten how awful these types of infections can be since I rarely get them anymore. About 15 years ago I had major sinus surgery, including repairing a deviated septum, cleaning out sinus cavities, and re-drilling sinus drainage holes. Prior to that surgery I stayed infected (for almost a year.) Since that time I really do rarely develop one of these infections. Lucky that!

But really, getting sick the first day of school? Please. Who does that??? lol


Monday, August 31, 2009


I read my weekly Ripples this morning, and wanted to share it here. They are almost always illuminating and helpful, so while I shared the link in my favorite sites list (right margin of this blog,) I rarely repost the actual words. Today, I'm sharing the whole shebang, because I need to hear it again and be reminded again, and here is where I share the things that speak to me. Sometimes something I share may speak to someone who reads here as well.

This one is right along the theme of things that have been speaking to me and which I've been sharing for awhile. When I look back at the words to the song "The Climb", which I shared awhile back, I can tell I'm still sorting through and dealing with these similar issues. Perhaps one of the things I need to grasp hold of is there will always be a mountain to climb, or move, rocks and boulders in the way, and that these are the very things which form character and help us to grow. I may joke and tease that I'd rather not grow so much, but in the end, it's all good. I know I will get through whatever event I'm dealing with, and will do more than survive, I will thrive.

I hope you enjoy this week's Ripple:

The bubbling brook would lose its song
if you removed the rocks.
-source unknown

Adversity is like a strong wind.
It tears away from us all but
the things that cannot be torn,
so that we see ourselves
as we really are.
-Arthur Golden

Life is not always easy, eh?

I have heard from several fellow Ripplers lately who are experiencing BIG challenges in their lives: loss of loved ones, major disruptions in work/school/life, and dealing with other "stuff" that makes life rocky. It is heartbreaking to hear how difficult life can be for each of us at times.

As I look over my responses to them, I notice a common phrase that I have used in various forms. While I try to avoid using absolutes like "always" and "never," I stand by these: Life is not always easy, convenient, pretty, or fair; life, however is ALWAYS is worth it. The hard stuff makes us stronger the same way the heavier weights are what make the difference in strength training (many of you have heard me say that I'd do more weight lifting if they weren't so darn heavy--but of course if they were light they wouldn't help me strengthen my muscles!).

Believe me, I have days where I wish all the "rocks" in the bubbling brook of my life could be magically removed. Luckily I have the good sense to remember that so much of my character, my personal strength, and my capacity to help others has grown from dealing with the difficult stuff.

I'm truly sorry if life is extra tough for you right now; I hope you seek good people to support you, calming music to soothe you, and an occasional Dairy Queen treat every now and then is pretty darn awesome too.



Saturday, August 29, 2009

Moving Day

So today is the big day, my Mom is moving away to a city 5 hours drive away to live with my sister.

I do not know how this is going to be for me, or for my mom. I'm prepared for all manner of emotions and feelings to surface, now and in the days, weeks, and months to come for me. And I'm quite worried about how Mom will cope and adjust. I'm not certain this is in her best interest and I'm apprehensive at best. I hope she thrives and that all my worries were for naught.

I'll take any positive energy for Mom and myself with gratefulness. There are places in my heart that feel she is dying and that I will never see her again. And it hits me at random times. I guess I'm going to have to experience a grieving process even though she is actually still alive.

All very new and weird territory for me. Of Mom's 4 children I'm the one (the only one) who remained geographically close, the others all moved far away.

Add this to the start-up of the school year and my adjustment from stay-at-home slave to working professional full time, and I'm needing to be very careful and gentle with myself these days. And not really a lot left over for anyone else - not good.


Friday, August 21, 2009

Ends & Beginnings

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. And I've been trying to keep up with everyone here, even if somewhat quietly. This summer has proven to be busy with housekeeping around here (trying to catch up on what gets left undone during the school year.) And I've been blessed to be able to spend time with quite a few of my girlfriends for lunch or coffee (in fact, I believe I went to lunch, coffee, or a movie with no less than 5 girlfriends, some more than once!) Those were all times to savor richly as the busy-ness of life often precludes spending quiet 1 on 1 time together being just us girls and sharing together. I find I need that, so I'm grateful and blessed that it was able to happen so much this summer.

I was also blessed to have my son's girlfriend come stay here twice, a week each time. I love having the kids in the house, and she's a delight. I was able to take her for her very first ever pedicure while my son was at work and Master was at an Oriole's game with a friend of His. The other side of that coin is that my son spent a LOT of time at her house (far away) so I was actually alone alot more this year than I have been in the past. But while that's a change, and can be a difficult adjustment, I actually love to be alone, it's regenerating for my spirit, and so I embraced the new thing and let it help me to heal and grow. Truthfully, I'm never really alone anyway, while Master is at work we are still in contact through phone and email and IM.

I've also spent time this summer helping Mom get packed up and ready to move. My sister has decided that even though Mom's apartment is not built yet, Mom is to move to my sister's house now (a week from tomorrow) and stay in my nephew's room until the apartment is ready. I am more than a little apprehensive about this. So this really marks a HUGE change in my life, and I'm trying to embrace it. I've never lived with my Mom far away before, so we'll see how I do. I think I mostly fear the loss, which is inevitable anyway. I'm also simultaneously relieved to no longer have to be the one "doing" for Mom and caring for her. Her physical abilities are deteriorating almost daily, and the burden will continue to grow, so I am relieved that my sister has decided she will take charge, even if I disagree with many of her choices and decisions. And it really is a difference of opinion about what is best for Mom, since I know we both want what's best for her. I hope that once she's seeing for herself she will understand my position, but honestly? I don't care about being right, I just believe Mom could be happier.

And is that not also part of my need to "fix"? That seems to have been a recurring theme in recent months for me. So I think this move, while rife with stress and possible problems, will in all likelihood be good for me. I can let go, and no longer try to take care of Mom.

I find I need more down time than other people, and I seem to need more than I used to need. I feel like I can be of more and better service to Master when I'm not also working outside the house, but that isn't a possibility for anything more than these summers between terms at school. Perhaps He and I both need to adjust our expectations of how household chores are done, and just what my service to Him will look like. idk, musing out loud.

Anyway, that's life in my little corner of the world. Making discoveries about myself, and trying to keep putting what my head knows into action, all while being busy with life. Sounds like what we all do really.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

A Rant

Yep. I am going to rant.

I don't understand how people we know and love can be so utterly lacking in basic manners. I still love them, and will continue to be gracious to them, but it irritates me to no end when folks do not follow up a gift with a simple "Thank you." It doesn't have to be a fancy note. A simple phone call to express appreciation or gratitude is sufficient for me. I'm also content with a simple line item left on my Facebook wall.

I'm referring to nieces and nephews here, and it really irks me. I think they know better, and I KNOW their parents know better. I'm faithful to send birthday gifts to the children, and cards to all the parents, and yet few if any bother to follow up.


Some would say to stop sending the gifts if they can't at least let me know they received them, and possibly say "Thanks." I'm not sure why I don't cease with the giving Maybe partly because I like to give (gee there's a shock) and I don't want to stoop to their level. And truly, the gifts aren't given with a string attached. But I never thought of expressing thanks as a string attached to a gift.

On a similar note, I'm irked that Master's siblings never ever bother to send Him a birthday card - they certainly know when His birthday is as they are all older than Him. And I also think it's beyond the pale that my ex-husband's siblings and mother stopped sending my son any cards or gifts for birthdays and Christmas when we divorced. Yep. My son's aunts and uncles and grandmother on his father's side ignore his existence. (I assure you it isn't because he ever failed to send a Thank you note!) I guess they think this hurts me, but they are wrong. They have lost the presence in their lives of a truly remarkable young man. That hurts them even if they don't think it does.

I truly am baffled as to the bad behavior of people we are related to. Mostly I don't give it a thought. But I've just sent quite a few gifts and cards of one sort or another and also celebrated my son's and my Master's birthday's, and so this is fresh in my mind.

OK. Rant done. I know there is no way to control the behavior and actions of other people, and to even allow myself this brief fuss is a huge waste of my time. But sometimes it just feels better to get it off my chest. I'm not expecting anything to change. Doesn't mean I have any respect for the folks in question though.


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

18 And Counting

Today is my son's 18th birthday. I wished him well, but he's been in another state visiting his girlfriend since last Thursday, and won't be back till tomorrow, so no giving gifts or a celebratory meal and birthday cake till after he comes home.

It's weird. It's the first time not being with my child on his birthday. It's just the beginning though. I know that as they get older and live their own lives being apart from children on their special day is more commonplace. I guess I'm just a little melancholy this first time. And really, 18 is such a milestone in our society. He's been away a lot this summer, as well as working when he's home, so I've been alone alot this summer. I've loved it actually, but it's so different from last summer. He and his friends were here constantly, such fun times.

Constant change. I've mentioned before that I love it, need it, and thrive on it. I meant in terms of myself and my personal growth and development. I meant in the ways and amounts I want, like, and need. In order to not feel static and stagnant. Not sure I like the changes with loved ones. Taking my son further from me, even though I know it's normal, natural, and healthy. Doesn't mean I have to love it. I can cut the apron strings and be glad he's moving on and into his own life without loving it. I know I'll adjust fine.

So Happy Birthday to my son. 18 years ago today I began this journey. I wonder what the next 18 years have in store?


Monday, July 20, 2009

A Rose By Any Other Name

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.

But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:

'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

~Eleanor Roosevelt


Monday, July 13, 2009

The Matriarch from Hell

Some years ago I made my peace with my experience of my Mom (I say it that way because I realize my perceptions of her may not be the same as other people's perceptions of her, including my siblings.)

And yet, working through my experiences is still an on-going necessity in order to try to remain in a healthy head-space and for my emotional health. Recently, I was stewing all over again about how nothing I ever do or say is good enough for her. I constantly think of ways to try to please her or make her life easier (no small feat given her age and advanced RA and physical disabilities.) Over the years I've done things for her, thinking it would make her happy, and been amazed at the dreadful response from her. Apparently I'm a slow learner because I continue to try to do nice things for her.

A couple of points realized here. First, I am a pleaser, I always have been and always will be. It is simply who I am. It does not guarantee that those whom I attempt to please are capable of being pleased. My mother is apparently not, nor was my ex-husband.

Second, Mom's inability to accept anything I do for her, or gifts I give to her, and find pleasure and joy in the receiving of service from me (or anyone else) is her problem, not mine. I have not failed simply because she chose to not be pleased. And the root of her inability to accept service is her own insecurity and lack of self-confidence. She has issues. Those issues spilled over onto her children, and they came to her largely from her own parents. I suspect she was a better mother to me than her mother was to her. I know I've parented my son more effectively than I was parented, although I'm sure he'll have issues too - hopefully they won't be the same as mine, lol.

These points are lifeblood for me - absolute MUST remembers, even if it means repeating them to myself daily. I am a pleaser, not everyone can be pleased, and their inability to be pleased has NOTHING to do with me and is no reflection on my ability and self-worth. Unless I work hard to remember these points, I can very easily get caught up in a negative downward spiral.

Some would say that it is Master's responsibility to help me work through that and remain healthy. But I'm not sure I agree with that. I've worked through the issues, and made my peace, and know how to move forward in a way that is healthy for me. How much hand-holding should He have to do with me? Isn't there a point where He can expect me to keep my mind from taking me back down there?

My need to please gets so tangled up in everything, I don't often know how to respond during a conversation. Recently, during one discussion of a problem He was having, He reminded me that I didn't have to fix the problem. That was liberating, to say the least. As a pleaser sometimes it feels that the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Sometimes I feel that He does expect me to fix things. There seems to be a skew in my mind that blurs for me the lines of service and fixing.

I tread this path daily, trying to work out how my own perceptions distort reality, in all my relationships - and mostly, within my own mind.

In the end, this entry really isn't about the Matriarch from hell, but rather the way my mind gets wrapped up in knots, even as I long for clarity. I long for everyone in my life to own their own crap. And perhaps, if I stop trying to please for a little bit, and stop trying to fix, I'll find that each person will step up and take care of their own issues, or perhaps I'll find that they have been all along. But no matter what, I must find a way to seperate my service to Master from my need to please.

The pleaser in me seems to be afraid that I am unlovable unless I do X or perform Y or give this, that, or the other. Offering service must not come from a place of fear and worry and self-doubt, and that is exactly where the need to please comes from.

Shew. A lot to think about. Making your peace with the past doesn't mean you can stop learning from it. Pleasing someone else is not possible if they don't wish to be pleased, and is no reflection on the giver. I cannot fix anything for other people, and to think I can or should is presumptuous at best. Sevice comes from a place of security and self-worth and confidence, the need to please comes from a needy and fearful place. Ultimately, I am worthy of love, even when I haven't received/experienced love from others. And that is no reflection on me.



Friday, June 26, 2009

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

~Robert Frost

Thought I'd share this since I alluded to it in my last entry, and because it is one of my favorite poems of all time.

After my entry 2 nights ago, I've learned that sometimes giving voice to inner angst is very painful. I cry, without knowing why I'm crying, and feel generally quite lost. I suspect this phase will pass soon enough, leading into yet another stage of whatever is happening, be it grief or some other process of dealing with the uncertainty and challenge that face me and the ones I love.

So, while keeping things inside and pushing the worry aside was easier in some ways, I know that only in letting it out will I be able to move on through to the other side. And really, the bottling things up, even when done unconsciously, is pretty darn harmful all by itself. But really, I'm not in love with the tears and feelings of fragility. Bring on the next phase of healing!


Wednesday, June 24, 2009


What I've learned and/or discovered:

Everyone heals differently. From physical and emotional and mental trials and tribulations, we all progress uniquely. For example, my surgical wounds are healed, but my body is still adjusting and adapting and coping. Sometimes it does this adjusting when I really don't expect or anticipate a need to adjust, and it takes a moment to figure out what's going on. But I'm confident that in time all will be just fine.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Safety is a state of mind. If I am in a safe place mentally and emotionally, I will in fact, be safe. To say that I didn't feel safe in the interwebs in recent months is not a statement of what I was reading and experiencing, rather it was a statement of my own inner reality.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It's OK to mourn the death of a beloved pet, and I don't have to get over it since it was only a pet. I realized anew that my life is so much less without Duke in it. And I know I'm fine, and will be fine, and I've discovered that pushing the grief aside is just as detrimental as if I had lost a human member of the family. It's been almost 9 months, and just realizing that he's been gone that long takes my breath away and reduces me to tears. My heart hurts.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I've learned that no matter how difficult the relationship with your parent may be, it is never easy to adjust to having them move 350 miles away, when you've lived near them all your life. It is also never easy to adjust to the parent's loss of physical ability, independence, and autonomy.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I've learned that figuring out how to best parent a child on the brink of manhood is tricky at best, and even more difficult when the child is an alien. He is nothing like me. This child is such an individual, and so unique, so unconcerned with pleasing other people (especially authority figures) and so delighted with being himself, and blazing his own trail. He amazes me that he was thrilled to graduate a year early and work out his own best path to adulthood, rather than follow the proscribed path of High School and Proms and Graduation ceremonies. He does what works best for him, in his own time, and never worries about what others are doing. He's not a loner, as he enjoys the company of his peers, but he's unconcerned with "fitting in". He learned from his teachers, but had no desire to demonstrate to them that he had learned what they taught. Yet he passed all his tests with honors.
He is so very different from me, the people pleaser, the one for whom good grades and all the pomp and circumstance mattered. But I forget that he's different, and I needn't be sad for what I think he's missing. He doesn't want it anyway - that was me. He much prefers to follow the "Road Less Traveled." (a book by M. Scott Peck, but the title was taken from a poem by Robert Frost.) I grow melancholy as all his friends celebrate the traditional rites of passage and make plans for college, and yet, he is so happy in the here and now he has created for himself. He doesn't need or desire those rites.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I've learned so many things, much more than I can recall right now. Mostly, during these past months, I've come to realize that it is, in the words of the song I posted in my last entry, the climb. That really is what matters, and ultimately, all that matters. The climb. How we live day in and day out. Because there will always be lessons to learn. And there will always be mountains to move. There will always be something else to cope with. What matters is the coping, the climb. And I know that when the emotional and mental and physical bank account are drained dry, the climb can seem insurmountable. And it isn't always easy to make deposits to those accounts. Somehow, the climb itself must include ways to put back, before we run out. I forgot that in the past months, and I'm not done finding ways to refill what was depleted. I'm trying but I'm still quite empty. I'm not there yet. Somedays I can't face the frikkin climb at all, and really just need to pull the covers over my head and wish it would all go away. But that isn't an option, so I put on my big girl panties and get on with it. That's what good girls do, right?

But it is all about the climb. And I will be and in fact, AM, fine. None of the worries of today will be seen from a galloping horse, as my Grandmother used to say. I've missed everyone here, and yet I've had nothing to give. I was overwhelmed at the thought of trying to read and participate even as I was missing you all.

As I get myself put back together, I am trusting and believing that I will once again find joy and energy in participating in this wonderful community. I hope it's soon. I think even writing this much is a good first step.



Sunday, June 7, 2009

Speaking To Me At This Time

The Climb lyrics
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa


Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Alive and Well

I don't have time to post a lot, and not much time for reading at the moment either. But I do promise that I'll get caught up eventually.

This past weekend W/we were out of town which started the lack of time.

Then my laptop started having issues making internet time harder to manage.

My school closed down for a few days due to one of our students having a confirmed case of Swine Flu. You'd think having time off would make it so I could spend more time catching up with everyone, but the travel, and sick laptop, as well as the rain and gloom outside and my messed up routine have thrown me for a loop.

By the by - the student is fine, never hospitalized, recovering nicely, and was actually never AT school to pass on the virus. But the media has got everyone so alarmed that parents refused to send their kids to school so the "powers-that-be" finally decided to close the building. I think students and staff were even encouraged to stay home - voluntary quarantine. But really - I don't have the flu and I'm not sick!

oink oink


Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


OK - for no reason at all other than several of you have been sharing songs or talking about sharing songs recently. And because Master likes the song and will sing along, every word, whenever we hear it. And because the music is what makes this song, the words are secondary even as they are beautifully illustrated through the poignant longing quality of the music.

I share "Nightswimming" by R.E.M.

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night.
The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago,
turned around backwards so the windshield shows.
Every streetlight reveals the picture in reverse.
Still, it's so much clearer.
I forgot my shirt at the water's edge.
The moon is low tonight.

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night.
I'm not sure all these people understand.
It's not like years ago,
The fear of getting caught,
of recklessness and water.
They cannot see me naked.
These things, they go away,
replaced by everyday.

Nightswimming, remembering that night.
September's coming soon.
I'm pining for the moon.
And what if there were two
Side by side in orbit
Around the fairest sun?
That bright, tight forever drum
could not describe nightswimming.

You, I thought I knew you.
You I cannot judge.
You, I thought you knew me,
this one laughing quietly underneath my breath.

The photograph reflects,
every streetlight a reminder.
Nightswimming deserves a quiet night, deserves a quiet night.


Monday, April 13, 2009

Everything is fine, accept and relax.

I have struggled at times against the relaxed nature of Master's ownership of me. Finding myself all twisted up in my mind about my longing for Him to be stronger and more assertive and more controlling. And oh how my mind would circle around and round, twisting it's metaphoric panties into a wad. Always coming back to acceptance of how things are, and the reality that W/we are creating a life together, and life is not always perfect, nor a bed of roses, nor champagne and caviar. In real life there are struggles. So in the end, my mind calms down, and the twisted-ness relaxes a bit. Until the next time my brain goes haywire.

I recently had a revelation though. For some reason my brain, by it's own little self, finally figured out that Master is very much in control, and doing things as He sees fit. He doesn't do things as I wish, but then again the little voice in my head said "Duh! Isn't that the point?" Perhaps instead of telling me to perform a task he asks me if I would, and perhaps that doesn't fit my limited idea of how Master should issue commands to me. Yet, I finally understood deep inside that it is His right to ask me rather than tell me. It really doesn't matter - the task is still expected to be done. It really isn't my place to have expectations at all.

I really felt quite stupid when my head finally wrapped itself around this notion. Maybe it's easier to feel my ownership when I'm being told rather than asked. But it isn't my place to determine how Master exerts His ownership.

I suspect my journey in regard to labels and semantics and stereo-types over the past few months has led to this revelation. I'm certainly grateful. And my twisted little brain may still falter and forget, but if I can just keep one thought in mind to guide me even when I'm feeling foggy I think it has to be that "Everything is fine, accept and relax."


Saturday, April 11, 2009

Celebrate Spring!

Whether you celebrate the change of seasons and new growth that Spring time gives us, or observe traditions in your spiritual traditions, I hope you have a blessed and rejuvenating weekend filled with hope and love and peace.


Monday, April 6, 2009

What's In A Word?

Recently my girl friend, her Dominant partner, my Master, and myself were having a discussion. My girl friend does not consider herself to be a masochist. I was just a little surprised, since I know she is very similar to me in this way. Her take on the matter is that since she doesn't seek pain for the sake of the pain alone, and since she doesn't give physical pain to herself, that she isn't a masochist.

Hmmm. I've never considered that a masochist operated alone, for me the understanding was that a masochist needed a sadist to complete the picture. But sure, I guess there are plenty of folks out there who enjoy hurting themselves, but is that a requirement of the term? If it is then no, I don't fit there either. I don't hurt myself. (Master says that's His job!) lol

And no, I don't like pain for the pain alone, for the sake of the pain. I like pain for the end result. The passage into the happy floaty place, and the sexual gratification too. Pain is something that in the correct circumstance I process as pleasure. Now if I stub my toe into the door while walking, that is not the correct circumstance, and it hurts in a bad way, and I generally will scream bloody murder (or at least some other profanities that good girls don't know.) ;) But in the context of play between Master and me pain isn't pain anymore. My mind feels the pain differently.

So really, my girl friend and I are very similar, but we call it by different terms. The dictionary states that a masochist is one who is given to masochism. OK fine, then what is masochism?


1. Psychiatry. The condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.

2. gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.

3. the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.

4. the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.

Origin: 1890–95; named after L. von Sacher-Masoch, who described it;

So do I have to fit all the definitions of the word? I don't think so. And does it really matter? Nope. Girl friend and I enjoy much the same activities for the same purpose, and we call ourselves 2 different things. And that's very good.

On a happy little side note W/we enjoyed a fabulous evening with them both and were treated to a delectable meal, prepared by their hands. What a blessing and joy to have friends we can be ourselves with.


Saturday, April 4, 2009

Spatial Perception

I suspect I am visually impaired, particularly when it comes to spatial relations. This afternoon as W/we were getting into the car I asked Master to back up about 12 inches. He backed up a smidgen and I said, "A little more."

He said, "That was 12 inches."

I said, "No it wasn't."

So He backed up until I said "OK". At which time He commented, "That was closer to 24 inches."

I continued to disagree, whereupon He said, "Perhaps I should have you measure my dick now, it's bound to be at least 18 inches."

I should know better than to argue with a mathematician.


Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Fluidity - such a lovely word. Evoking images (for me) or grace and poise, ease of movement and suppleness, as well as the all-encompassing aspects of water or actual fluids which flow over and through all.

Yes, I know, what in the world am I talking about? I'm used to that question, living as I do in the special place inside my own mind, lol.

I guess what brought this to mind for me was the quiz I took awhile back. Realizing that for the most part, my core beliefs have not changed, yet if we look at words to define where we fit in, I no longer fit in with the spiritual community of my up-bringing. Yet if my core beliefs really have not changed, how is this possible?

Well, I think fluidity helps me understand. I find myself on a continuum, like a river. As I move down the river with the current the view changes. There are places which are smooth and gentle and lush with vegetation, and then there are the places filled with rocks and rapids. Sometimes there are even waterfalls! I'm still on the continuum, the core of the matter is the river. I'm just seeing different views along the river.

I also think that I'm very comfortable with a variety of words expressing the same idea. Someone may refer to God, another The Universe, and still others may call it all by some other name. I am fluid with names, in that I don't necessarily care which name is used, but more importantly I'm comfortable with the concept that whatever labels we attach to things can still all refer to the same thing. I'm comfortable with the fluidity of movement amongst and between the labels too.

It seems that much of organized man-made religion is not comfortable with this fluid-ness, and have waged battles about terminologies and such that are just not that important to me. The whole thing with needing to give things specific names and then beating one another up over the names and the rightness of the names strikes me as very un-graceful, and lacking in poise. Certainly not possessing ease of movement nor suppleness. I much prefer to relax and breathe and accept that someone else can state their belief, and have their belief, without it being a threat to me.

I also find that all of the above applies, for me, to the lifestyle and BDSM things. I've experienced that NO ONE calls anything by the same name as someone else, lol. OK, that's a slight exaggeration, but basically there are a bazillion ways to describe WIITWD (what it is that we do.) And that's cool. Refer to yourself and describe yourself as you wish. In whatever way makes you happy. And be fluid enough to grant that same benefit to everyone else you encounter.

Fluidity, gracefulness and poise, ease and suppleness, and really, being relaxed, breathing, no hard edges, and no need to always be right. Flow with the river, accept and allow others to flow as well, without the need to make them be wrong. Perhaps your fluid will flow into my fluid and we will discover some new and wonderful fluid which could not have been created if we had kept our fluids strictly segregated. Perhaps.

Fluidity, being open to the possibilities and ideas and differences of life.


Saturday, March 28, 2009

Lyrics of Life

Found a couple more songs that have caught hold of me. Nevermind that I love music in general, and that for now I'm still totally wrapped up in Coldplay (Viva La Vida), and also enjoying One Republic (Dreaming Out Loud).

I've recently been pondering on the new CD from The Fray (The Fray) just released in February. "You Found Me" has some pretty powerful thoughts in the words.

I found God on the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west was all but won

All alone smoking His last cigarette
I said where You been, He said ask anything
Where were You when everything was falling apart

All my days were spent by a telephone

That never rang and all I needed was a call

That never came to the corner of First and Amistad

Beautiful music accompanies the thought-provoking lyrics. Such a truth here too - when we question where God was when things went bad, the answer is that God was actually right here, waiting for a call. I believe too that this is true whether we call our spiritual truth by the name of God, or The Universe, or whatever label we use - bottom line is that the spiritual world is present for us.

The rest of the song explores a failed relationship, and it does all relate. I tend to focus on the bigger picture though. Personal responsibility can be such a tricky thing to weave into our lives, and this song speaks to me of the personal responsibility of reaching out to the Universe, or God, and bringing those forces to work in our lives. Placing blame doesn't actually accomplish anything. It's funny, but this morning I read a couple of blogs that tie right in with these words too. M;e (Aspects of M;e) and Gilette (Ex-Courtisan In Transition) have both talked about the concepts of blame and shame.

Asking "where were you" is often a way of assigning blame, and is honestly quite beside the point. Assigning blame in any event is generally fruitless and a waste of time, whether it's blame of others or blame of self. Best to accept a situation as it is, figure out the best way to proceed, and then move on. If we can learn anything from these lyrics it's to ask for help/guidance/etc from the spiritual world sooner rather than expecting that it will just step in to rescue us unasked. I think this also applies to relationships as described in the rest of the song. It can all be pretty deep to ponder, yet very enjoyable to listen to the song.

On a much lighter note I've been enjoying a song by Lady Gaga, (Poker Face). The song itself is fun, and I enjoy it, but there's one line that grabs me every time *grin*:

"And baby when it's love if it’s not rough it isn't fun"

Soon I'll have to get these songs into my little Music widget thingy at the top of the page. :)