Friday, August 21, 2009

Ends & Beginnings

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. And I've been trying to keep up with everyone here, even if somewhat quietly. This summer has proven to be busy with housekeeping around here (trying to catch up on what gets left undone during the school year.) And I've been blessed to be able to spend time with quite a few of my girlfriends for lunch or coffee (in fact, I believe I went to lunch, coffee, or a movie with no less than 5 girlfriends, some more than once!) Those were all times to savor richly as the busy-ness of life often precludes spending quiet 1 on 1 time together being just us girls and sharing together. I find I need that, so I'm grateful and blessed that it was able to happen so much this summer.

I was also blessed to have my son's girlfriend come stay here twice, a week each time. I love having the kids in the house, and she's a delight. I was able to take her for her very first ever pedicure while my son was at work and Master was at an Oriole's game with a friend of His. The other side of that coin is that my son spent a LOT of time at her house (far away) so I was actually alone alot more this year than I have been in the past. But while that's a change, and can be a difficult adjustment, I actually love to be alone, it's regenerating for my spirit, and so I embraced the new thing and let it help me to heal and grow. Truthfully, I'm never really alone anyway, while Master is at work we are still in contact through phone and email and IM.

I've also spent time this summer helping Mom get packed up and ready to move. My sister has decided that even though Mom's apartment is not built yet, Mom is to move to my sister's house now (a week from tomorrow) and stay in my nephew's room until the apartment is ready. I am more than a little apprehensive about this. So this really marks a HUGE change in my life, and I'm trying to embrace it. I've never lived with my Mom far away before, so we'll see how I do. I think I mostly fear the loss, which is inevitable anyway. I'm also simultaneously relieved to no longer have to be the one "doing" for Mom and caring for her. Her physical abilities are deteriorating almost daily, and the burden will continue to grow, so I am relieved that my sister has decided she will take charge, even if I disagree with many of her choices and decisions. And it really is a difference of opinion about what is best for Mom, since I know we both want what's best for her. I hope that once she's seeing for herself she will understand my position, but honestly? I don't care about being right, I just believe Mom could be happier.

And is that not also part of my need to "fix"? That seems to have been a recurring theme in recent months for me. So I think this move, while rife with stress and possible problems, will in all likelihood be good for me. I can let go, and no longer try to take care of Mom.

I find I need more down time than other people, and I seem to need more than I used to need. I feel like I can be of more and better service to Master when I'm not also working outside the house, but that isn't a possibility for anything more than these summers between terms at school. Perhaps He and I both need to adjust our expectations of how household chores are done, and just what my service to Him will look like. idk, musing out loud.

Anyway, that's life in my little corner of the world. Making discoveries about myself, and trying to keep putting what my head knows into action, all while being busy with life. Sounds like what we all do really.

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