Friday, December 31, 2010
First, the situation with my sister caring for my Mom. A little frustrating for me, I have some measure of clarity that won't penetrate my sister's tinted lenses of what she needs Mom to be instead of honestly accepting where Mom actually is.
I also realized recently that my problems with my dog are partly due to perception. She is my own dog's sister. They were litter-mates, a litter of 8, he was the alpha of the group, she was the runt. He came to live with me, she went to live with my parents. Soon after my Dad died, and she lived with Mom. 2 years ago my big guy died in my arms, and I miss him so very much still. A short time later, due to Mom's aging and health, her dog came to live here. It's been a rough couple of years, every interaction I have with her reminds me of how much I miss him. She comes up lacking day in and day out.
The other day, W/we were visiting with friends who have a female dog also. She's so sweet, and extremely submissive, as is my dog. And that's when it hit me, I don't relate well to submissive dogs. Give me a strong alpha dog, I'm fine. But a submissive dog? Nope.
Yet she is likely the perfect dog for some other personality type - just not mine!
Perception is everything. The facts of the situation don't change, just the way we view it. I hope my sister can come to terms with Mom's reality rather than continuing to struggle with what she wants it to be. And I think I'll go pet my dog. It's not her fault that she's submissive, or that she lives with me now.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Love the time off. :)
Lazy mornings together, doing nothing unless W/we want to. Time to relax. It's good.
It's a beautiful, cold, clear day here, the child unit seems to be doing well, the parent unit is muddling through, and really, in spite of the list of things that W/we wish we could change or were different, Life is Good.
Now if I could just figure out a way to have the dog clean up her own fur which she shares so generously all over the house!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Wasn't as crazy about it after carefully reading the lyrics, but it's still beautiful.
They sure did make a beautiful sound together.
After work today I stopped to pick up groceries, and after getting them home and put away I started cleaning out the child's room. In just the 3 months that he's been gone I started using it as the place to put the stuff I didn't have the time to put away, and things that didn't really have a place. That's all well and good, but he's coming home tomorrow! (I may have mentioned that, not sure.) ;)
2 more days of work, and then Wwe're off for a 4 day weekend - woohoo!! Thursday will of course be spent with extended family observing US Thanksgiving. I'm hoping for a relaxing and happy time. Going to try really hard to let go of some of the interpersonal family struggles. Basically, I'm planning to ignore the whiny people, at least while they're whining. :)
W/we're already completed a big chunk of O/our Christmas gift shopping, so that's nice to have behind U/us. Just need a few minor remembrances, the child, and each other. Amazon usually helps make a lot of this fairly easy. I'm hopeful that the gifts which require a lot of time actually out shopping are behind us. The online stuff is a breeze.
Hoping everyone has had a lovely Monday, and that the rest of the week is grand.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
I know this is true because when I'm reading elsewhere, around the bloggy places or on sites like the collarme message boards, I find myself searching for the "Like" button to click.
Seriously, sometimes I don't want to post a full-out comment, I just want to share a liking for or agreement with something someone said.
Maybe someday "Like" buttons will be all over and not just on Facebook.
I've been dissatisfied with, of all things, my purse/shoulder-bag/pocketbook (not sure what everyone calls the female handbag, so I thought I'd provide an assortment of names.)
And by dissatisfied, I mean really irritable about the difficulties it presents to me. It was once a beloved bag, for many years, but right now it's just not serving my needs. I suppose I've changed, it's not the bag it's me. :P
Regardless, I've had a lot of trouble finding a bag that will work.
Until last night.
W/we had dinner out (just LOVE date night with HIM!) Yummy food, relaxing experience. And even though we were both tired from the work-week when we met at the restaurant, (He drove straight there from work and I met him there,) by the time O/our meal was finished W/we were refreshed enough to wander through one of the department stores nearby.
And that's when He found THE purse. The one for me.
It's really silly how excited I am about having a new purse - it's bordering on idiotic goofiness to be honest, lol.
But sometimes it's the little things, I think, that mean so much.
Oh and by the way, Mom has improved enough to go home. She's been in a variety of hospitals and care facilities since the end of September, so this is a big deal. :)
And the child is coming home from university for the Thanksgiving Holiday. W/we didn't even have to beg him (well Master wouldn't have begged, but I might have, lol.) W/we're both thrilled at the thought. Don't get me wrong, W/we really enjoy being alone here in the house. But it's always worth any inconvenience to have the child unit home.
So see - some little success and some big success, perhaps there's a pattern emerging? :P
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Mom continued to deteriorate after the gall bladder surgery, never improving the way she was expected to, and in fact worsening. Sadly, my sister was focused on herself and not Mom, and allowed things to get really bad. Mom eventually landed in the ICU for a long time, where they finally figured out she had a bleeding duodenal ulcer. A really large, really deep, really big, gusher of an ulcer. This is what was wrong previously when she was diagnosed as needing her gall bladder out, and it worsened and worsened. She suffered from mal-nutrition for months (she wasn't able to eat!) and also with severe blood loss. I lost count of the units of blood she was given in the hospital, over 20 in the weekend I was there alone.
Anyway, she's in rehab now, trying to regain some strength and ability. It's a tough journey for her, and the weakened state she was in due to the lost blood and lack of nutrition have taken a toll, a non-refundable toll. There is much less strength and ability and mobility, and she will not be able to regain those things, between her age and the RA. But her mind is back with us, for the most part. And she still has many years to contribute to this world. Hoping that soon she can go home.
And the young son away at college? He's doing splendidly. No episodes of IBS have occurred, at least not that he's mentioned. He's had one head cold, and is all better now. His acne has cleared up, he's doing well in classes, I'm trying to remind him that it's OK if he earns less than an A! I'm not sure why he's still a little wired about grades, I never have been obsessed with them. Hoping he learns to just do his best.
Life at home is routine. W/we go to work, W/we come home, there's dinner, and laundry, and pet care and stuff. W/we've both been dealing with minor nagging illness, nothing serious, but energy sapping when combined with work and life in general. Would be nice to just pause and rest and get well, but sadly, nothing has been serious enough to warrant time off from work, it's just nagging and enervating.
W/we will both be fine though, full recovery is coming, I know it is.
It seems that many of us around blog-land are experiencing this lack of worthwhile writing material. Life happens, and it's not often very glamorous or interesting (I know you don't care to hear about me having both headlights burn out at once, driving with my bright lights on, and spending an hour in a car repair shop waiting room while they replaced the burnt out with new!)
Or about the dinners I've cooked, or the ones that Master and I have cooked together. Of course they've been delicious, but seriously, who wants to talk about or read about normal daily life events.
And yet, that really is what life is made up of. Normal routine, nothing special. Perhaps we all need to change our mindset a little so that we long to hear about the run-of-the-mill. Perhaps that would help us all move away from the need for drama in our lives, and be content with calm, usual, normal, simplicity.
Do you think maybe that's why we don't write, or don't feel we have anything interesting to write about? Because it's not dramatic and marvelous and complicated?
Really, I'd love to read what you have to say about the cookies you baked or the show you watched that had you laughing so hard (Big Bang Theory does it for me.)
I'd love to know that you successfully performed car maintenance yourself instead of paying a man to do it for you. (I hate that I had to pay someone to replace lightbulbs, of all things!)
I'd love to hear about the "normal" daily stuff you do that makes up a life. It's not ground-breaking or earth-shattering (love those phrases) it's just routine.
Because routine is life, and it's how we live our ordinary days that determines our special days.
So let's write. It's OK if we have no insights to share. No thoughts that will change the way we view the world. It's OK to write about little things. And it's OK if we don't have big things going on. It's good to let it all go, let go of the need for drama, and the dissatisfaction with our lives. It's OK to be content with the day in and day out sameness and ordinariness.
I look around the inter-webs, and realize that we all want to be significant. We seem to search for relevance. I think we look in the wrong places for those things. We are each relevant and significant, just through the fact of our existence. It's time to slow down and embrace that, and choose to revel in our ordinary days.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
You do not get to complain about what a terrible situation you are dealing with, if I have been warning you for a long time that this situation was developing, and would continue and worsen.
If you ignore me, you do not get the luxury of moaning and complaining to me, I will not give up my precious time and energy to you. I have a limited supply, and I choose not to waste it on nincompoops.
Seriously. I know everyone has to learn their own life lessons, yada, yada, yada. I simply cannot give more of my own limited resources to listen while you complain about the choices you made. I would be happy to commiserate if the situation were out of your control and just happened to you. But when you create the situation, after I've explained to you the perils of that course of action, you're on your own.
And while my sister will never read this, I had to write it. I think mostly it's a reminder to me that I am not obligated to let her spew her disfunction all over me. I didn't create her problems, and I could have, in fact, prevented some of them, and would gladly help her work through some of the others. But allowing her the time and space in my life to dump all her negative feelings has to stop.
So this is a reminder to me. I have a new rule, and for my own sake, I need to follow it. I have got to protect myself, and the best way to do that is through establishing this boundary and sticking to it.
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
A lot of thoughts in a very short time whipped through my mind. First was, "Wow, should we really be saying that out loud like that?" I mean, generally, we keep lifestyle activities a little more quiet.
Next was, "Well, good for them that they are comfortable being that open with their lifestyle choices." Some people are completely open with the world about their BDSM identity. I admire that choice, even as my professional life would not allow that for myself, nor would my family and vanilla friends appreciate having to know private details like that. I doubt any of them would actually object to the lifestyle choice, just the decision to discuss those private details with them. They would also really think it distasteful to have a bumper sticker calling attention to it.
Around the same time was memories of Fisting demonstrations I've attended. Which brought to mind the people involved in teaching the class. :)
And the last thing that entered my mind was the realization that the bumper sticker really said, "I'd rather be FISHING".
I need my eyes checked!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Glitter In The Air, by Pink
Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it.
Have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care?
It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
And the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone?
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?
La la la la la la la la
There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar
Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight?
As I think I mentioned before, I do know all this is normal, and will certainly pass. Time will reassure and reduce feelings of anxiety.
Contributing to the bazaar of course is my recent marriage to Master. And that's been talked about a lot too, and as with children growing up, emotions surrounding marriage are normal also.
And then, Mom had a couple of emergency visits to the hospital followed by surgery, and is now undergoing a very slow recovery at home. Supporting my sister and Mom through this difficulty is emotional as well.
And let's not forget that I remain unhappy with my job, and continue to seek a new position. I don't dislike the work or the industry, but am not happy with the state of affairs within the department and those I work for. I dislike being micro-managed, and this has recently grown worse as the ineptitude of the micro-managers has grown. Trying to maintain a positive approach each day at work taxes my best acting skills. Seeking (and not finding) a change in job and/or career has been disheartening too, but I hope that in time I will find success.
So, lots of things a-swirl in this Tapestry, and the combination is quite bizarre. I'm not naturally bi-polar, so the roller coaster ride can be exhausting. I much prefer a drama-free zone for my life. And so I work hard to keep all these roiling emotions in perspective, reminding myself that all will be well.
Another thing I have found to be bizarre lately is the seeming increase in Anonymous comments around the blog-land. Since we can create a profile and a name (which are in fact anonymous) how lazy is it to not even bother and just comment as an anonymous person? Seems odd. But what's far worse than remaining anonymous in a comment, is the need of some of these folks to spew vitriol. None of the blogs I read would object to someone sharing a comment that disagreed or expressed an opposing view. But all of them (and most of the readers) do object to having such views stated in a nasty and abusive way.
I find the dichotomy of remaining anonymous combined with the attention-seeking aspect of the words they use quite interesting. There are elements of power hunger, need for control, and lots of abuse contained in the way some of these folks write. If they really wanted to give any validity or authority to their words they would not remain anonymous. This combination of behaviors is a full-on buffet of psychological illnesses, or perhaps manifestations of an illness. A bazaar of the bizarre as it were.
The best advice anyone could follow in dealing with these types of people is to dis-engage. Do not reply to, do not acknowledge, just ignore. Delete. The whole point of what these people do is to get attention. And if the only way they can get that attention is by behaving poorly, then so much the better. But truly, the only way for them to ever stop or go away is if they get no satisfactory response (which means no response at all) from their remarks.
It's a complete power trip for them to see that they have the ability to upset, hurt, and enrage someone else. Anyone else. They are happy to upset the blog owner for sure, but they also gain pleasure in upsetting other commenters. Don't give your power away to them. Don't reply, don't acknowledge, just ignore and/or delete. It's truly the only way to be rid of them. If they are, in fact genuine, they will find a way to share an opposing point of view in a courteous and civil manner.
One of the hardest things for humans to accept, I think, is the fact of their powerless over other people. This applies to the bloggers as well as the commenters. Just let it go, there really is nothing to see here folks, keep moving. I mean, do we really need to re-state the obvious that if you don't like what you read here to go away and don't read here? And do we really need to re-state the obvious that polite discourse does not include verbal bludgeoning of those you are addressing?
This whole phenomenon amazes me, and I find it bizarre. But I also know that this pattern comes and goes. Just be patient, these small-minded, weak, and impotent little people will tire of their games and go away. If you ignore them.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
It takes a lot of courage
to release the familiar and seemingly secure,
to embrace the new.
But there is no real security
in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security
in the adventurous and exciting,
for in movement there is life, and
in change there is power.
Sometimes, moving forward doesn't mean leaving people behind. Sometimes moving forward is all about letting go of behaviors and thoughts that no longer serve us well. Good luck Cookie!
Friday, August 13, 2010
This is a wonderful and weird Friday for me all rolled up into one. Today was the last day of work until the 23rd - so a week off before the school year starts up. I'm ready. For the week off. And probably for the school year to start up again too.
But today is also the day my Mom is undergoing emergency gall bladder surgery, and while they're inside, her hiatal hernia (did I spell that right??) will be repaired. Should be fine, she's got very healthy internal parts generally speaking. But at 78, and with advanced, crippling RA, nothing can be taken for granted. But I'm confident all will be well.
Today is also the day my son is traveling home from his vacation in Orlando, FL. His first time going away without me. He stayed a week with his girlfriend, they had a great time. I'm proud of them both. So next week, he and I will be trying to get ready for him to move away to college.
He'll be fine, and I know somehow all the financing and other details will work out. I'm confident that all will be well for him.
And yet my stomach drops to my knees and feels very sick at the thought of him moving away from home. I know this is normal and I'll be fine too. But at the moment, it's weird. I mean, he can't live with me forever - well ok of course he CAN, but I don't want him too. Well ok, maybe I DO want him too, lol, but I don't think that's in his best interests. :)
I mean, omg how do Mom's cope with this fleeing the nest thing?!
It's ok, I'll be fine, lol.
No cause for alarm here folks, nothing to see, keep moving.
What's a mild panic attack between friends?
I'm a little torn, because I know if my Mom or sister need me I'll be traveling to PA to care for them. But how inconvenient, since this is the week I need to get my son ready for college. And therefore, the last week I'll get to spend with him, living together, in the same house. Maybe forever. It's entirely likely that he'll be spending his time off from college with his girlfriend at her home. And he's talking about working and living with her during his summers off.
But if Mom needs me...
A little background. Mom was a very independent and busy woman while my siblings and I were growing up. She didn't have much time for us. And I longed for the type of relationship with my Mom that my girlfriends had with their moms - where they did things together like shopping and painting their nails and hair appointments. Girlstuff. And they talked to one another about things. Important things and silly things.
But that wasn't to be, it wasn't my Mom's style, and I was foisted off on my Dad to take care of when he wasn't at work. (Yes, I'm sure that's how I became such a Daddy's girl, lol!)
So, knowing how that lack of an involved mother affected me, how the fact that she wasn't and didn't care to be present in my life hurt my feelings, I set out to parent the way I wished to be parented. Now no, of course my son didn't go in for the girly stuff either, lol. But we have always been close. And we did things together, and we talked. About everything. We understand one another (I'll admit though that he understands me as well as a self-absorbed teen-ager can, lol.)
And I've been able to take care of him and do things for him - things that weren't done for me. And I've been able to help him through trials and tribulations, sometimes only able to hold his hand while he worked it out, but still, the one he's always known he could count on.
So who's going to do that for him when he's away at college? And who's going to keep bad people from hurting him?
Oh I know, it's all up to him now. And I know that's how it should be, and it means I've done a good job as a parent in preparing him to face the world on his own two feet. But I don't want him to go out there.
Ok there I said it. Are you happy now? ;)
What is so alien to me is his need and desire and readiness to leave home and enter a new phase of his life which is away from me. I never (not ever) wanted to be away from my parents. I lived at home during college. After I was married the first time, we lived close to my parents, and spent our time with them.
And while I think (intellectually) that my son's path is the healthier path (compared to my obsession with my parents) that doesn't mean I understand or "get-it". In my head I do. But in my heart I'm baffled. And in my gut I'm sick.
So I think it's time to keep the head in charge and tell the heart and gut to chill. They need to trust my head. Because it is good and right for a son to move away from Mom and out into the world. Don't we all make fun of the 40 year old virgin living in his Mom's basement? I wouldn't want that for my own son, I want him to have the joy of seeing all the wonder life has in store for him. And if he's prepared and ready to move out to meet the world, then I've done my job, and well.
But you know, there's that tiny voice in the back of my head that keeps asking just what's wrong with a 40 year old virgin living at home in mom's basement, roflmao!
Friday, August 6, 2010
I've been realizing (slowly) that some of my self-worth issues are still alive and well, even if deeply hidden. It came to my conscious mind while dealing with gifts, specifically the receiving of gifts for O/our wedding. And it reared it's unattractive head more than once and with a variety of people. It seems that I'm uncomfortable receiving gifts. Extremely. The feeling of unworthiness is quite strong, even though it doesn't like to be called by that name.
Apparently, calling our demons by name, recognizing and calling them out, is important. Demons like to hide behind politeness and niceties so they appear to be other than a demon. So, I'm working on naming it, holding it accountable, and banishing it from my psyche.
I know there will always be bits with me, but in time I hope the positive and healthy will easily conquer the negative and unhealthy. I am worthy. Of gifts, of mental health, of happiness, and all things bright and beautiful! (My new mantra.)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The most difficult thing to accept has been the decision by one of Master's brothers to skip the wedding. He, his wife, and their children will be leaving that morning for a week-long sporting event in another state. W/we had given everyone the date far in advance just to avoid such situations, but alas, no luck.
As Master has only his two brothers (both parents are deceased) this is quite a blow. W/we are by turns hurt, angry, and sad. Probably some other emotions too, which W/we certainly need to accept and feel and process, but which are ultimately best let go of since there is nothing we can do to change it. Hopefully time will heal the wound.
In the meantime, I'm working, trying to take care of the details of getting my son ready for university in August, trying to get the wedding details sorted out, and working to find time for myself. The need to chill and relax and recharge the batteries is great upon me, even if finding the downtime is not so easily accomplished. This time spent here and reading around the blogs is sort of downtime, often something I find relaxing and refreshing. Right now I'm sad to say I'm doing 2 other things at the same time. Perhaps it's time to close for now.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Call me a slow learner if you must, but I'm always surprised when I ask Master if I may wear one of His shirts, and He very generously says "Yes!" Not surprised that the answer is yes, just surprised about how much He seems to like it when I wear one of His shirts. :)
It's a mystery alright.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
I need a sign like that for my brain. :)
Keeping me busy right now - work, extra busy/stressful End-of-Year close-out due to a major construction project, the likes of which I haven't encountered at work before. I'm required to completely empty the facility and prepare the space for the contractors. In addition to all the normal end of the school year stuff. ick. The kicker is that this project was kept secret from me for some reason until a couple months ago, so this major load of extra work has been a surprise that I wasn't given enough time to plan for. My mind seethes with all the things I must make sure are taken care of. The good news is that tomorrow is the end, and I can put it all out of my mind.
Upheaval with my son. First, plans for a vacation with 3 other friends, which involved him driving them, in my car, a long way away, for a week's vacay. That was a lot to prepare for, and I was stressed inside worrying about the what-if's. To alleviate the what-if worries, I requested that the other 3 families sign a traditional hold-harmless agreement/release of liability. One family refused, and they then canceled the trip - this was the family with the connection to the condo the kids were staying in.
Wow - the drama was way beyond anything I'd encountered or expected, and you know me, I felt like the bad guy even though I wasn't. shew. Anyway, the planned week didn't come through, but Master has a timeshare He will exchange for the kids at a later date so they (minus the 1 child of course) can still go. I mean - the mother who refused actually hung up the phone on me! Who does that? But it's all good, Master and I will find a better way to get the kids to Harry Potter at Universal!
And of course, wedding planning. I'm trying not to let this be stressful, and mostly succeeding. There's just still a lot to do, that's all.
Hope all is well for each of you. As Elle has reminded us, being busy is not bad when we view the busy in a positive light. The bits and pieces and busy-nesses of life are part of the Tapestry which is ever-evolving. I am not the same now as I once was, and I will not be the same later as I am now. And the beauty of the picture which is being woven and created, my Tapestry, is that it improves and blossoms with every new thread.
(On a house-keeping note, I've been forced to turn comment moderation on. I apologize, but be patient, and your comments will be reviewed and made visible as quickly as possible. This is has nothing to do with my actual friends and friendly commentors, and everything to do with spam-type things.)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Several of us in this inter-web community are routinely inspired and enriched by the Daily OM, a daily email inspirational newsletter which we subscribe to. One day this past week, the newsletter began with the words above, and even before I read the whole thing I knew it was resonating deeply within me.
I recognized instantly that I need to be more conscientious to both slow my body, relaxing in order to feel, acknowledge, and process all the things swirling in my head; and also to slow my thoughts and feelings so that I could give each of them the appropriate time for dealing with them as well as giving my body the chance to settle down.
It just struck me as a very catch 22 type situation. I'm mentally and emotionally stressed, and my body reacts by jumping up and down, carrying on a great fuss, and ends up run down and ill.
And so while I'm physically ill, I'm completely unable to sort through the mental and emotional stuff, that it just sits there simmering, and possibly being repressed.
I think also, that when there's too much crowded in there, it's like an over-crowded classroom, where 1 teacher is trying to meet the needs of 60 students. It's just not conducive to learning, development, nor growth.
Thank you to the universe for providing that timely reminder. And to Elle for sharing about climate change.
Now to settle in and consciously slow down, and acknowledge, feel, and probably most importantly, breathe!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
The food was, of course, delightfully yummalicious. Pei Wei includes the obligatory fortune cookie with every meal. My fortune last night read:
Immediately I reflected on all the little dramas and trials and tribulations I've been battling lately, (all very well documented here, lol.) And I decided that those little dramas are the maze from which I will be emerging. I'm claiming it, so be it.
And that made me happy.
A little later, Master broke open His fortune cookie, and this is what it said:
And that was just the icing on the cake as far as I'm concerned. :)
Friday, May 21, 2010
I’ve never given much thought to the fact that I do view everything in life with the thought that I can improve the situation. I constantly search for and strive to find a better way of doing something, (better being that which improves the outcomes, the processes, or the quality of life for those involved.)
I guess that makes me a winner
Monday, May 17, 2010
I know Elle shares the Daily Om message from time to time, and I know everyone can get the email inspiration for themselves each day, but I’m still going to be redundant and share this, because it really spoke to me today! (And after all, this is my blog, tee-hee!)
May 17, 2010
Letting Life Unfold
Present in the Progression
Try to allow your life to unfold like a flower rather than worrying and making predictions which cause stress.
Our lives are guided by natural rhythms that are particular to each of us and cannot be altered by force of will alone. Life itself is a journey made up of processes and events that manifest before us only to be swept away when time marches on. Whether we envision ourselves creating a career, building a family, or developing the self, we instinctively know when the time has come for us to realize our dreams because all that is involved comes together harmoniously. When the time is right, the passage of destiny cannot be blocked. Yet as desperate as we are to touch these beautiful futures we have imagined, we cannot grow if we are not fully present in the evolutionary experience. The present can be challenging, uncomfortable, and tedious, but life unfolds as it will, and the universe will wait patiently as we make our way into the unknown.
The fate that awaits us is not dependent on our pace, which was preordained before we ever appeared in human guise. Therefore there is no reason to rush through life to reach those pinnacles of development associated with the paths we have chosen. Enjoying and fully experiencing the journey of life is as important as achieving goals and reaching milestones. There are lessons we can learn during those moments that seem immaterial or insignificant that we cannot learn at any other time. Appreciating these takes patience, however, because human beings tend to focus on the fulfillment of expectations rather than the simple joys of being.
Like many people, you have no doubt longed for a device that would give you the power to fast forward through certain periods of your existence. Yet haste is by its very nature vastly more stressful than serene fortitude. When you feel yourself growing impatient because the pace of your development is deceptively slow, remember that everything that will occur in your life will occur in its own time. Quelling your urge to rush will enable you to witness yourself learning, changing, and becoming stronger. There is so much to see and do in between the events and processes that we deem definitive. If you are patient enough to take pleasure in your existence's unfolding, the journey from one pinnacle to the next will seem to take no time at all.
Given the turmoil and turbulence in my life lately, this really shouted at me! No silly little whisper of truth for me, this was a brick wall. I think allowing things to unfold in due time is so powerful, and so completely at the heart of all my unrest. When I look back over the past few entries here, I realize that it is my own lack of being able to control the many situations that is provoking my stressful reaction. Letting go and allowing things to unfold naturally will bring me that illusive inner peace and tranquility I’ve been missing. (By the way, if you’ve seen Chocolat – the movie I mentioned in a previous entry, you’ll hear the word tranquility pronounced in your head the way I do – “tran-key-eh-tay” – or something close to that!)
I’m going to be working on letting life unfold like a flower.
Let’s see what blooms!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The song is "Kiss From A Rose" sung by Seal, a beautiful song, which has taken on new meaning for me today. Master is indeed my power, my pleasure, my pain.
"When it snows, don't you know, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen."
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Oh, and some of the mental turmoil has abated. Don't get me wrong, there's no difference in most (if not all) of the situations that were churning in my head, but I'm doing a little better with reacting to and processing those situations. I knew from the get-go that it wasn't the situations that were stressing me, but my reaction to them. So, I don't know how or where, but in the last 24 hours I've regained a small bit of my usual inner calm. I'm not completely back to normal, but I can tell I'm coping better, and feeling a little more like myself. shew! :)
Ugh - my shift key is sticking. If I miss a capital letter just pretend - it's a pain, lol. Do you KNOW how hard it is to type in passwords?? You know, the ones which show up as little bullets or asterisks. And they include a variety of lower case, upper case, numbers, and symbols? And you can't see that the shift key didn't work, lol!
Read a great quote today from Rob Reiner. I feel like sharing it, so here it is:
"Everybody talks about wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that's a lot. Because if you can fix yourself it has a ripple effect."
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Son was in his first car accident. Not his fault, and not very serious, and still shook him up.
Car repair issues related to the accident, as well as overall car repair needs for an aging car with 140k+ miles on it that he drives to work, on trips to his girlfriend in another state, and anywhere else he needs to go. Mostly just routine and normal stuff, it's been an excellent car, purchased new in 2001, so no way to complain, but troubling since money is an issue at the moment. Little by little things are getting repaired, hopefully in order of priority safety-wise.
After the car accident, the next weekend he was out of state and drove through a pot hole by mistake. Problem is the rim of one of the wheels was broken (not bent, broken - and he wasn't driving fast, the pot holes were just horrendous!) So, stranded out of state, I went to get him and brought him home, while ordering new wheel. Took him back and forth to work everyday, and when new parts were installed, his girlfriend drove partway here, where we met her and came the rest of the way home. She came with and spent a week with us.
Money we didn't need to have to spend on wheel and repair, and additional travel.
Onslaught of car repair issues with our other 2 cars. Sadly, Master and I both work far from home, with different schedules, so carpooling is difficult at best. So in addition to the expense of the repairs (which W/we didn't need) add in the rental car.
Of course, the already mentioned issues at work. And the Mom things. And son preparing for college in the Fall (he did score amazingly high on his ACT entrance exam - proud mommy moment, lol.)
Yanno. Just stuff. Not handling things as well as I'd like, and thinking some of my ill-health issues are more related to the stress than anything else. And of course, when I say related to the stress I really just mean to the way I'm coping with the stress, which is not as well as I usually do, nor as well as I'd like to.
Last month Master gave me a kindle for my birthday. Loving that. Didn't think I would. I love to read, but I love books. They are living things to me, the smell of the pages, and the feel of them in my hand. Something very substantial about paper and the printing. Turning pages. And my collection of lovely bookmarks. But surprise surprise I love the kindle. Just finished downloading another book - thanks to Gillette for the prompting. The Prophet (Gibran) now resides in my kindle, and I can carry it with me everywhere. Yes, I already own the book, but this way it's easier to have at my fingertips! And without adding anything else to what I'm carrying around I have other books to read in there too. Yes, I really have other interests besides planning a wedding, lol.
Although that is of course always on my mind. Have NO idea what to wear! Well strictly speaking that isn't true, definitely will not wear a wedding gown/dress or anything traditional. W/we really do want something very low-key and unweddingish.
Had wonderful Mother's Day dinner, at same restaurant booked for the wedding actually. Then all 3 of us got food poisoning over the next 2 days. oh noooooo. Cannot even contemplate that happening at the wedding! Have eaten there a lot though, and never happened before. Let's keep a happy thought there.
Son attended Senior Prom with his girlfriend (her school, he's been out of school for a couple years.) So W/we drove out and stayed in a hotel to be there to help him get tux on and took pictures. Had to arrange for the tux, pick it up and take it there, along with her corsage. That was a busy weekend. The kids looked amazing, and they had a great time. I'm glad I went, even though it was hectic. Especially since her parents couldn't be there for the event nor the week leading up to it. They were away on business and couldn't get back. Made it very important for Master and I to go.
Work - cannot even begin to describe the craziness there, but it wanders through my mind all hours of the day. Just as the home stuff wanders around in my head even while I'm at work.
The daggone dog is not merely shedding, her fur is just falling out in huge clumps. There is fur all over this house. Literally. I'm thinking I should gather it up and send it one of those groups that makes booms for the Gulf oil spill. In the meantime, who has time to clean it up constantly? And so it just gets worse. ugh.
Son brought me lovely flowers and a card for mother's day. I didn't really expect anything from him, so that was a delightful surprise. I can see them as I type, and they are lovely.
I wonder if Chloe is ok - I haven't seen any update on her blog, and I'd love to know the answers to the movie thingy. Well, and to know that she's ok too, lol.
The diet has stalled. Time to get re-motivated. ugh.
And keep on looking for a job. That has me stymied. Tough economy to change jobs, but need year-round work, closer to home would be good too. Nothing within my industry, so need to start a new career - that's likely the scariest bit here, along with needing to keep earning at least what I earn now. Hard to do. Not giving up, and trying not to get discouraged.
There's so many other thoughts, all dis-jointed, all stuff running through my head. I will be fine. Not used to all this stress and drama though. Need peace and tranquility. Think this is a good time to watch the movie "Chocolat" again. Any little thing to guide me toward that peace.
Elle was a delightful dear and sent waves of Zen out today - a little something inside me relaxed when I read her entry.
I keep breathing. And I keep letting go. Again and again. And relaxing and breathing. Still haven't found the lasting peace I'm accustomed to having. Trusting and hoping there are lessons to be learned and wisdom to gain from this turbulence. I like the other me better though.
At 46, I wonder if any of my reaction to stress can be attributed to hormonal things? And how would I find out? And if so what to do about it?
See? My mind just won't stop.
Perhaps a xanax would help.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
I'm looking for inspiration and advice and ideas and suggestions and basically, your help. Yes, YOU!
So ok, you already know W/we're getting married. And I may have mentioned O/our plans for a very tiny, small, little, minor, casual event. So W/we decided on the barest of minimum guest lists, (which includes son and his girlfriend, O/our 1 remaining parent, siblings and their families, and O/our 4 closest friends. A lovely restaurant that's a favorite spot, and an officiant that is a childhood friend of mine.
Here's where you come in. Having a bit of trouble over the vows. Do not want traditional religious ceremony vows. Not the appropriate setting to go full-on BDSM style vows, so where to find examples of ceremonies and vows which would fit and still represent U/us?
I'm just drawing a mental blank about the ceremony wording itself, and O/our vows. Writing O/our own would be fine, but I need to see some samples and examples to get me started. Who better to ask than all of you? Some of the most creative people I've ever known, talented writers, great thinkers, wise individuals one and all!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
So lately I've been not quite myself. I've been that bitchy-teary-eyed-stressed out-moody-monster from hell that is exhausting to cope with. For those around me, and for me too. I intensely dislike this person.
I've been trying to figure out what's causing it all, so I can overcome and get back to being me. It seems there are far more stresses and frustrations at work than I normally have to deal with. And there are some issues relating to Son and his future plans (which are rapidly approaching, and are the beginning of the end of him living with me.) And there are things to do with Mom, and her unhappiness, and my lack of control and input and ability to affect any change. In a very real way I have lost my mom.
And I hope that finally identifying what is causing my upset will help me find acceptance and peace and tranquility.
One huge help today came in the form of an email from Master. I had written to Him that,
"I am absolutely feeling very fragile and on the verge of tears, the stress must be really getting to me."
And He replied,
Do you need me to come over and kick some ass?
I’m all out of bubblegum!
How awesome to have someone so in my corner and on my side. I was completely clueless about the bubblegum, but thought He was terrific to volunteer to get my staff into shape.
But I did ask about the bubblegum. It seems that it's a line from the movie, "They Live" which had the following line,
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum."
All I'll say is that every little girl deserves to be protected and fought for that way, and I'm very grateful.
Here's hoping I regain my equilibrium and inner peace real soon!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Rae! Thank you for inviting me to your birthday party! Your house is a thousand miles from mine, and I travel only for the best of reasons...a party for Rae is the best and I am eager to be with you.
I began my journey in the heart of the hummingbird you and I met long ago. He was friendly as ever, yet when I told him that little Rae was growing up and that I was going to her birthday party with a present, he was puzzled. We flew for a long while in silence and at last he said, "I understand very little of what you say, but least of all do I understand that you are going to a party."
"Of course I am going to the party," I said. "What is so hard to understand about that?" He was quiet, and when we arrived at the owl's home, he said, "Can miles truly separate us from friends? If you want to be with Rae, aren't you already there?"
"Little Rae is growing up and I am going to her birthday party with a present," I said to the owl. It felt strange to say going like that, after talking to Hummingbird, but I said it that way so Owl would understand. He, too, flew in silence for a long time. It was a friendly silence, but as he delivered me safely to the home of the eagle, he said, "I understand very little of what you say, but least of all do I understand that you call your friend little."
"Of course she is little," I said, "because she is not grown up. What is so hard to understand about that?" Owl looked at me with his deep amber eyes, smiled, and said, "Think about that."
"Little Rae is growing up and I am going to her birthday party with a present," I said to Eagle. It felt strange to say going and little after talking with Hummingbird and Owl, but I said it that way so Eagle would understand. We flew together out over the mountains, and soared the mountain winds. At last she said, "I understand very little of what you say, but least of all do I understand this word birthday."
"Of course birthday," I said. "We are going to celebrate the hour that Rae began, and before which she was not. What is so hard to understand about that?" Eagle curved her wings into steep dive-flaps and stepped to a smooth landing on the desert sand. "A time before Rae's life began? Don't you think rather that it is Rae's life that began before time ever was?"
"Little Rae is growing up and I am going to her birthday party with a present," I said to Hawk. It felt strange to say going and little and birthday after talking with Hummingbird and Owl and Eagle, but I said it that way so the hawk would understand. The desert poured by far below us and at last she said, "You know, I understand very little of what you say, but least of all do I understand growing up."
"Of course growing up, I said. "Rae is closer to being an adult, one more year away from being a child. What is so hard to understand about that?" Hawk landed at last upon a lonely beach. "One more year away from being a child? That does not sound like growing!" And she lifted into the air and was gone.
Seagull, I knew, was very wise. As I flew with him, I thought very carefully and chose words so that when I spoke, he would know I had been learning. "Seagull," I said at last, "why do you fly me to see Rae when you know in truth I am already with her?"
Seagull turned down over the sea, over the hills, over the streets, and landed gently upon your rooftop. "Because the important thing," he said, "is for you to know that truth. Until you know it until you truly understand it, you can show it only in smaller ways, and with outside help, from machines and people and birds. But remember," he said, "that not being known doesn't stop the truth from being true." And he was gone.
Now it's time to open your present. Gifts of tin and glass wear out in a day and are gone. But I have a better gift for you.
It is a ring for you to wear. It sparkles with a special light and cannot be taken away by anyone; it cannot be destroyed. You are the only one in all the world who can see the ring that I give you today, as I was the only one who could see it when it was mine.
Your ring gives you a new power. Wearing it, you can lift yourself into the wings of all the birds that fly - you can see through their golden eyes, you can touch the wind that sweeps through their velvet feathers, you can know the joy of going way up high above the world and all its cares. You can stay as long as you want in the sky, past the night, through sunrise, and when you feel like coming down again, your questions will have answers and your worries will have gone.
As anything that cannot be touched with the hand or seen with the eye, your gift grows more powerful as you use it. At first you might use it only when you are outdoors, watching the bird with whom you fly. But later on, if you use it well, it will work with birds that you cannot see, and last of all you will find that you'll need neither ring nor bird to fly alone above the quiet of the clouds. And when that day comes to you, you must give your gift to someone who you know will use it well, and who can learn that the only things that matter are those made of truth and joy, and not of tin and glass.
Rae, this is the last day-a-year, special-time celebration that I shall be with you, learning what I have learned from our friends the birds. I cannot go to be with you because I am already there. You are not little because you are already grown, playing among your lifetimes as do we all, for the fun of living.
You have no birthday because you have always lived; you were never born, and never will you die. You are not the child of the people you call mother and father, but their fellow-adventurer on a bright journey to understand the things that are.
Every gift from a friend is a wish for your happiness, and so it is with this ring.
Fly free and happy beyond birthdays and across forever, and we'll meet now and then when we wish, in the midst of the one celebration that never can end.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
Limitations fall away
Today you will do as much as you think you can do. What if
you thought you could do more?
Right now you are doing what you are inspired by this moment
to do. What if you were inspired to do more?
Your thoughts and feelings on their own cannot even lift a
feather. Yet they can push you powerfully forward or stop
you in your tracks.
Every good and valuable thing you've ever done started as a
thought. Imagine what your thoughts can start right now.
Feel the power of your purpose, upon which sits every
desire. Think of the possibilities for expressing that
purpose today, in your world, in new, unique and beautiful
Think your most inspired thoughts, and feel your most
treasured feelings. Then watch as the limitations quickly
This is the Daily Motivator email edition.
Copyright (C) 2010 Ralph S. Marston, Jr. All rights reserved.
Visit The Daily Motivator web site at http://greatday.com for an archive
of more than 3,000 daily messages, inspirational photos and more.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Lovely song, beautiful harmony. Enjoy.
So we're ok
Baby I'm here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
We'll look at them together then we'll take them apart
Adding up the total of a love that's true
Multiply life by the power of 2
Saturday, April 17, 2010
The seasons appear to have significant impact on the park. So far this spring, I've encountered very few squirrels to feed - significantly less than last fall. 2 today, instead of the usual 10 or 20 last fall. It's been that way all spring.
There are most likely many reasons for this, and my favorite notion (not based in fact at all) is that the squirrels are still in the den/nesting place having and raising and protecting baby squirrels. I am hopeful that this theory is true and in time the park will be filled with the critters again. In the meantime, I don't spend as much money on nuts right now.
There is a trade-off though. Where we are lacking in squirrels, we are flourishing with birds. They are much more active and in greater numbers than last fall. Where we saw some cardinals, robins, sparrows, and finches in the past, this spring I've noticed all of those, more of them, and also some orioles, woodpeckers, morning doves, and some others I don't know the names of.
It's been very enjoyable to watch the antics of the birds. The sleek, shiny, glossy, jet-black feathers of the oriole which is noticeable when he is perched and then the contrast of the brilliant orange when he spreads his wings to fly away from me. The amazingly vibrant colors of the cardinals in their best finery (or is that feathery?) Even the females are more orange-y than gray at this time of year. And oh the bright cherry red head of the woodpecker!
I tried a gym membership over the winter months, and discovered that while I may need to be there to be active enough in the cold snowy months, I don't like it. The stale air and the drudgery that walking on the treadmill is, make it difficult to go. But looking forward to and then enjoying all the creatures great and small that I encounter at this park situated on the banks of where 3 rivers join, make what is exercise and healthy activity seem like, well, a walk in the park!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
In the "Lifestyle" Community, we are always rife with intolerance and narrow minded-ness, which, I must confess, has always surprised me greatly. The outside world (vanilla we often call them) are frequently very harsh and intolerant of WIITWD. So why would we be harsh toward one another? I would have thought that being misunderstood by others would help us all to band together. Silly me.
As it turns out, that really is just human nature, no matter where we are. I remain hopeful that love and tolerance and unity will rule the day, even as I've shed some of my naivete and realize that there will most likely always be the nasty boogers among us. Perhaps they are in the world to test us and help us grow. But really, haven't I grown enough? I don't really want to grow anymore.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Life is good. W/we continue to make plans for O/our wedding, each little decision and step along the way feels good and right. Certain things were very clear to U/us and others needed to be pondered. No problem concluding that a very small, intimate, and casually comfortable affair was best for U/us. A suitable venue was found, a date agreed upon, and things began to happen more quickly after that. I confess to being surprised at the many things to do and details to sort out, even when intentionally having a very small, quiet, intimate, and casual event!
And of course while all this is taking our time and attention, life still goes on. I had foot surgery in January (recovered wonderfully from.) There is work everyday, the commute back and forth, the household chores and needs and responsibilities, and family and friends. Son has been working, and making plans to enroll in and attend college. He's hoping the test scores will be good enough, and then of course there is the financing to work out.
He continues to drive back and forth to a neighboring state to visit his girlfriend, and they've managed to work out a couple of times when he could bring her here to visit for awhile. I LOVE having her here, and really enjoy a "daughter" as well as his joy in her. They've got prom and her graduation coming up before long.
O/our lives have settled in so many ways, and perhaps that is part of why I don't spend the time here that I once did. The questions and angst and drama and sorting through of life are not at the forefront at the moment. Life is just good.
I hope that the same can be said for all of you.