Tuesday, September 30, 2008

What Is It About Knives?

Just what is it about knives that is such a turn-on?

Is it the skillful and masterful way He handles them?

Is it that He invariably uses a big, mean, and lethal looking knife?

Is it the look in His eyes when He begins to run the knife blade over my skin?

Perhaps it's the feeling of the knife on my skin, at times warm and then cool when turned slightly.

Perhaps it's the thrill of not knowing what is coming next.

Probably it is all of the above and more.

Knife play is different than a beating, or wax play, or punching, or caning, or spanking, or flogging. Knife play has elements that are more unpredictable. Harder to define.

I'm fine with that.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

More Liz Phair

Yes, I admit it, this is one CD I enjoy an awful lot, lol. Who could resist a song dedicated to wonderful, magical, Hot White Cum???????

Anyway, the other day as I was driving home with the car stereo blaring Liz, I heard the song "Bionic Eyes". I really get a kick out of that song, it certainly turns the tables on how women are treated by men (in the most general of terms).

One of the best lines of the song is: "Show me a man you cannot break and I will show you heaven." And that is so true. Heaven is knowing that you have a man that you can't break, even when you're at your worst. Sheryl Crow sings a song which asks "Are you strong enough to be my man?" Same thing as Liz is singing about.

Shoot, if I was a doormat, a passive person, or simple-minded and dim-witted what challenge would that be for a man? If I was easy to handle, easy to dominate, and submissive to everyone I meet, how would that bring honor to the man who I submit to?

The honor in Mastering me is that it isn't easy, not for the weak of heart, and not something the average schmoe could do. And perhaps that's why I have to see if I have a man I cannot break - it's a way of finding heaven. Perhaps I need to know I have a man who is able to handle me, even when I'm at my worst. A man who can't be broken, a man who is strong enough to be my man.

Not that I ever mean to test Him, I think sometimes it's just an instictive thing, a need to have that reassurance that He is the rock. And that no amount of storm, even hurricane force winds, can shake Him.

It can all be very complex, this whole relationship thing. Much harder than songs make it seem.


Little Digger

Liz Phair sings a song on her self-titled album called "Little Digger". The song really speaks to me, in a couple ways.

First, when the little boy is trying to say that his Mom is one of a kind - a very special person - he says: "My mother is mine." And I've always thought how true that is, we want to say something, and often it comes out very differently. Especially for children who are not equiped to express themselves as well as adults are supposed to be.

Second, when the Mom recognizes that: "I've done the damage, the damage is done. I pray to God that I'm the damaged one. And all these grown-up complications that you don't understand, I hope you can someday, I hope you can."

As a mom, myself, I constantly struggle to be the best parent I can be. Have done so for 17 years now. And I've learned to recognize that there is no more important relationship nor person in my life than my son. Sure, there are important and significant people and relationships - from my own mother, to other family and friends, to Master. And all of these people have made me (and continue to make me) the person I am.

But there is nothing I will do on this earth that is more important than parenting this person.

Constance actually brought this more into focus for me recently when she mentioned that her children are off-limits in her DD relationship with Mr C. And basically that has been true for U/us as well, although W/we do many things as a team when it comes to the Son, the final bottom line is always up to me. And so it must be. And so I must also guard against ever allowing anything to come between that young man and me.

I chose very well though, and made sure Sir was someone that could relate well to my son, and vice versa.

And then I realized that while my son is the most important relationship I have, in time, I will not be his most important relationship, for once he has a child or children of his own, they must become his most important focus. Just as my mom, while incredibly important on so many levels, ceased being my central relationship when my son was born. It's funny how the person who was our world when we were young must move out to the periphery as we grow and mature. And yet it is part of the circle of life, my challenge being that I do let go as he grows, and allow him to move on and branch out.

I've actually done fairly well with that to this point. He will never need to wonder if I'm here for him, and never need to wonder if I love him. He'll never be pushed away to the fringes of my life. Yet I will continue to give him space and room to grow into his own person, even as I continue to guide and mentor him.

And for this, more than any other accomplishment, will I be remembered and loved even after my death.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

7 Years Ago

I wrote about my trip to NYC in August 2001 HERE. Well, on that same trip, my girlfriend and I wandered with our sons around the city, stopping wherever we felt the whim. As you can imagine, with 2 ten year old boys, we spent quite a bit of time in FAO Schwartz!

One of the places we went was St. Patrick’s Cathedral. My friend was a good Catholic girl, and I was certainly interested in seeing for myself the place I’d watched on TV for so many weddings and funerals of famous people.

Anyway, while we were at the cathedral, my girlfriend answered any questions my son or I had. He asked what all the candles were for, and she explained that people lit a candle as they prayed for someone. At this time, in August 2001, my son asked if he could please light a candle. I thought he just wanted to play with the fire! But he finally told us why he wanted to do it. He said he had an uncle who was very ill (my brother) and he wanted to say a special prayer so God would make him better. OK, so you can imagine I’m crying now, and there’s no way he’s not going to light a candle, I don’t care if he’s catholic or not, or if I have the suggested donation to put in the box or not. So as my girlfriend, her son, and I looked on, all quietly praying ourselves, my son lit a candle for his uncle, and prayed that God would make him better.

Apparently the prayers of a 10 year old boy availeth much, because my brother is remarkably improved and doing very well, all things considered. There is no full healing for what is wrong with him, but he has stabilized and he is almost completely well.


Thursday, September 18, 2008

Orgasm Control/Denial

Sir enjoys the practice of orgasm control and denial.

I suspect many Dominant-type people do.

Can't say I love it though, lol, since it only seems to be my orgasms He wishes to deny/control. :)

I have tried to explain that it's ok, He doesn't have to ration them, I can have as many as He wants me to have. I won't run out, there's plenty more waiting.


It's true, lol.

Somehow, as adorable and cute as I am, and no matter how much I make Him laugh, He just doesn't seem inclined to understand just what I'm trying to say. And He doesn't give in.


There must be something about begging that pleases these Dominant-types.