Little Digger

Liz Phair sings a song on her self-titled album called "Little Digger". The song really speaks to me, in a couple ways.

First, when the little boy is trying to say that his Mom is one of a kind - a very special person - he says: "My mother is mine." And I've always thought how true that is, we want to say something, and often it comes out very differently. Especially for children who are not equiped to express themselves as well as adults are supposed to be.

Second, when the Mom recognizes that: "I've done the damage, the damage is done. I pray to God that I'm the damaged one. And all these grown-up complications that you don't understand, I hope you can someday, I hope you can."

As a mom, myself, I constantly struggle to be the best parent I can be. Have done so for 17 years now. And I've learned to recognize that there is no more important relationship nor person in my life than my son. Sure, there are important and significant people and relationships - from my own mother, to other family and friends, to Master. And all of these people have made me (and continue to make me) the person I am.

But there is nothing I will do on this earth that is more important than parenting this person.

Constance actually brought this more into focus for me recently when she mentioned that her children are off-limits in her DD relationship with Mr C. And basically that has been true for U/us as well, although W/we do many things as a team when it comes to the Son, the final bottom line is always up to me. And so it must be. And so I must also guard against ever allowing anything to come between that young man and me.

I chose very well though, and made sure Sir was someone that could relate well to my son, and vice versa.

And then I realized that while my son is the most important relationship I have, in time, I will not be his most important relationship, for once he has a child or children of his own, they must become his most important focus. Just as my mom, while incredibly important on so many levels, ceased being my central relationship when my son was born. It's funny how the person who was our world when we were young must move out to the periphery as we grow and mature. And yet it is part of the circle of life, my challenge being that I do let go as he grows, and allow him to move on and branch out.

I've actually done fairly well with that to this point. He will never need to wonder if I'm here for him, and never need to wonder if I love him. He'll never be pushed away to the fringes of my life. Yet I will continue to give him space and room to grow into his own person, even as I continue to guide and mentor him.

And for this, more than any other accomplishment, will I be remembered and loved even after my death.

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