Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Seasons Change

As my son has grown life has changed.  That has been pretty well documented over time throughout these pages.  :)

And one of the ways that is most obvious is around the Holidays, when I don't get to keep him to myself, here at home.  I don't even just have to share him with his biological father, but have also had to learn to (gracefully) share him with his girlfriend and her family.  Given that I refuse to have him think of me the way his father thinks of my former mother-in-law, I would bite my tongue off before I would pressure him to be with me and stay here on the Holidays.  Instead, I bury that hurt and try to put on a happy face, and be the kind of parent that he WANTS to be with.  And of course, at the end of the day, I am, Master and I are, O/our home is, the place where O/our son always returns to.  W/we are his home, deep in his heart.

So at Thanksgiving, he was with his girlfriend, and Master's family was all out of State where W/we were unable to join them (as is mine).  He and I spent O/our Thanksgiving alone, not unhappy but perhaps feeling the poignancy of a non-traditional day.  It was wonderful in it's own right, feeling happy to be together, relaxing, and spending time together doing exactly what W/we wanted, when and how W/we chose.  It was especially good since I've been battling back from a severe Vitamin D deficiency (which I didn't even know I had, but which now explains an awful lot of the ennui I've been suffering.)  Anyway, Thanksgiving was quiet, good, if different.

And son's girlfriend was cheerfully chattering on to me one day about her plans for them to spend Christmas with her family - completely oblivious to my feelings and the possible need/desire I might have to see my only child.  She was, I think, also a bit oblivious to my son's need and desire to be with me for at least part of Christmas as well.  All the days and weeks leading up to the Day I was mentally lecturing myself that I had to let go gracefully, that he was grown, and needed to live his own life, and that as the future unfolded I would be spending many holidays without his presence, which was fine.  I did a pretty good job convincing myself, and accepting the portion of his time I was to be allotted in the days before and after those immediately surrounding the Holiday.

And things changed.  I wonder if I had ranted and raved and moaned about how unfair and awful the plans were if I would have been stuck with them, or if my acceptance and peace perhaps allowed things to change. Either way, change they did.  And they have both been with U/us for MOST of the time.  The week before they were here, as his University Holiday had begun already.  They were helping around the house with cleaning and decorations and preparing for the Holiday.  They were with U/us on Christmas Eve when we prepared my family's traditional Christmas meal of a standing rib roast, Yorkshire Pudding, glazed carrots, layered salad, crusty rolls, all topped off by a scrumptious trifle.  They enjoyed the meal and the company of one of Master's brothers and his family.  They enjoyed the late night viewing of "Love Actually" after the guests went home.

They were both here the next morning for the traditional opening of our Stockings, followed by a nice breakfast, clean up, and then the unwrapping of gifts around the Christmas Tree.  They left to go to her mom's house around Noon, and Master and I had some time to kick back and relax before O/our dear friends, newly married, came to share the evening with U/us.  Instead of going straight to my son's father's house after spending time at his girl-friend's mom's, the kids stopped here and were able to say Hi to O/our friends, someone who is special to son too.  It was nice for him to meet her husband and introduce her to his new girlfriend.  They left to go to his father's where they spent the night and returned home to U/us the next day.  He always returns to U/us.  :)

So, the day after Christmas, before the kids came back, Master and I relaxed and rested to regain O/our strength after the exertions of the Holiday and the days leading up to it.  I must confess, without the Vitamin D supplements of the past months I would never have made it through this whirlwind of activity, and I am very grateful to my doctors and health care providers for diagnosing and fixing this problem.

Today, I had a routine mammogram in the morning (BAD TOUCH!!!!!)  followed by a trip to the Fire Museum with Master, son, son's girlfriend, sister-in-law, niece, nephew, (brother-in-law had to work) and a dear friend and her husband.  We enjoyed viewing the old time fire equipment, and seeing the history of fire-fighting through the years.  The museum also had a lovely train garden set up for the Christmas Holiday, and after the 9 of us finished in the museum we went to a nearby restaurant and enjoyed a delightful lunch.

On the drive home, I realized that so far, this has just been one of the very best Holidays I've experienced in many years.  I prepared myself for a lonely, poignant, quiet Holiday, (even though being blessed to have my Master and sharing Life with Him is more than enough, there is just something about Holidays that has U/us both expecting to be with extended family.  And while I was prepared for the quiet, non-traditional, I was instead, given a wonderful, family and friend-filled Holiday that has been more lovely than words can say.

Some of this is because I'm more physically ABLE to have this type of schedule and celebration, and I have not been physically able in the past few years.  I cannot say enough about what the Vitamin D deficiency did to me.  It's barely noticeable as it's happening, slowly adjusting to less and less capability, not knowing why, not really realizing anything is wrong that can be fixed.  Instead, when conscious of the reduced abilities, assuming it's age, or weight, arthritis, depression, lots of things to explain the diminished capabilities.  And then when the Vitamin D starts to take affect, and all of a sudden I am energetic and filled with zest for life, the mental and physical willingness and interest in doing things - it's truly dramatic.  So that's some of why I've been able to entertain IN my (O/our) home again.

But I still think some of this is granted because I don't push and force and try to pound people to be the way I want them to be.  I don't insist on getting my own way.  I try, at least with my son, to step back and allow him to fly on his own, making sure that he knows that I am, and always will be, the wind beneath his wings.  And so perhaps the Universe provided for me, because I was willing to accept less.  Perhaps, because I chose to view the glass as full rather than empty (after all, if it has half water and half air, then it IS full,) I was given an over-flowing glass.

I don't know.  That all might be silliness and crazy conjecture, but it could just be the truth.  I'll never really know for sure, but I do feel there was great benefit to me in practicing acceptance and willingness to compromise.

Tomorrow, Master has decided W/we will travel out of State to visit my mother, and give her Christmas gifts to her in person.  I had never even thought this was a possibility, and am elated that He gave this to me, and to her.  And guess what?  O/our son and his girlfriend are going with U/us to visit his grandmother too.

Is the Universe good or what???  :)

I am a blessed and lucky and happy little girl.


Saturday, December 3, 2011

Like No One Is Watching

I read this on the 14th of November, and made a note that I wanted to share it since it really spoke to me.  Better late than never I think.  I appreciate so much The Daily OM for sending out inspiring messages each day.  They don't all speak to me as this one did - but I'm sure they all speak to someone, and I'm grateful for the workings of the Universe to provide.

November 14, 2011
Like No One Is Watching
Shake Your Tail Feathers
Over time, we have learned to suppress some of the most fun aspects of our individuality.

Most of us express our distinctiveness in many ways throughout our lives. Although, as we proudly share our offbeat traits and preferences with the world, we take great pains to downplay those eccentricities we ourselves deem odd. Instead of living lives colored by these quirky impulses, we seek out socially acceptable outlets for our peculiarities. We may not realize that we are editing ourselves in this way because our individual societal awareness is unintentionally attuned to the attitudes of the people we encounter each day. Over time, we have learned to suppress some of the most fun aspects of individuality. To rediscover and embrace these buried traits, we need only ask ourselves what we would do if we knew for certain that no one would judge our choices.

Visualizing this day without judgment can help you better understand the idiosyncrasies that are an important part of who you are but seldom manifest themselves in your existence. Perhaps you secretly dream of replacing grown-up, conservative clothing in favor of a changing array of costumes. You may envision yourself painting your car electric-green, hugging the trees in a crowded local park, singing joyous songs as you skip through your community, or taking up an exciting hobby like fire spinning. Try not to be surprised, however, if your imagination takes you in unexpectedly simple directions. In your musings, you may see yourself doing things such as breaking out in dance or dying your hair a fun color. Regardless of the nature of your suppressed peculiarities, ask yourself what is really stopping you from making them a part of your life, and then resolve to incorporate at least one into your everyday existence.

Life as we know it is so short. Making the most of years we are granted is a matter of being ourselves even though we know that we will inevitably encounter people who disapprove of our choices. When you shake your tail feathers like no one is watching, you will discover that there are many others who appreciate you because you are willing to let go of any inhibition. By doing this you help others know it is okay. No one else in the world is precisely like you and, each time you revel in this simple fact, you rededicate yourself to the celebration of individuality.

The one thing this did was to reinforce for me that it just doesn't matter what other people think about me.  I can't please them all anyway, and there's really no need to bother trying.  I'm only responsible for making ME happy.  
Such a relief.


Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Just Had To Share


Well???   It does!


Thursday, November 10, 2011


So I hear it's Love our Lurkers day, which amuses me greatly because I think I'm more of a lurker than any reader who "lurks".  I write so sporadically it's like lurking, from the other side of the blog.  Not sure it matters, whichever side of the blog we're on.  I write when I can, am able, need to, have something to share.  I write for myself, to help me walk through this life.  When I do and when I don't, it's all good.  And on the other side of it, those who lurk are presumed to read the droppings I leave, take what they need or can use, and throw the rest out.  I presume they read when they can, are able, or need to.  I trust in the ultimate wisdom of the Universe to provide the blessing and nourishment to the reader that is helpful and needed at that time.  Likewise, I generally follow the nudging of the universal Wisdom to help me share what I need to share to provide me with growth.

Sort of a circle of life type of thing...everything is provided in the time that it is needed, in the measure that is needed, and will send ripples outward to intersect with other people in the way and at the time that they need.

So yes, lurkers are loved, as are non-lurkers, as are those other writers who share on the blogs in which I may lurk.  This journey we call life is enriched by the blogging world.


Saturday, November 5, 2011


A local submissive women's group I belong to has a member who shares quotes daily for all to ponder.  I often wonder if the quotes she chooses are reflective of where she is in her journey that day.  I never ask, it's HER journey, and how the quotes touch me and fit into my life are really all I need concern myself with.

One day this past week, the following quotes arrived in the daily note from her:

A true friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself.
*- Anonymous*

Friends are helpful not only because they will listen to us,

but because they will laugh at us;
Through them we learn a little objectivity,
a little modesty, a little courtesy;
We learn the rules of life and become better players of the game.
*- Will Durant*

 Those did speak volumes to me, for a variety of reasons.  And I remember thinking to myself that true friends can help keep us real.  True friends can tell us point blank, "you're full of bull" or "stop taking yourself so seriously".  True friends love us, and remain true friends, in SPITE of our failings.  They see us for who we are, they don't buy into the sales pitch we put on for the rest of the world (and often for ourselves too) but for who we really are.  And they love us.  Often when we cannot love ourselves.  True friends accept us, the way we are, often when we cannot accept ourselves.  If we are wise, we will take a step back and listen to those rare and precious friends, and give ourselves a break.  We'll learn to value that which our true friend values - ourselves!

I am thankful for the true friends in my life, and hopeful that I make a difference in the lives of those whom I consider to be my true friends.


Friday, October 28, 2011

How Did They Know?

My fortune cookie the other night:

Yes, I am.

In any language.


Sunday, October 16, 2011

Permission To Heal

Six years ago my son entered into a suicidal episode that changed my life forever.  Completely.  In an all-encompassing way.

As the days passed following the event, his hospitalization, and my committing of him to a psychiatric facility, I coped, barely.  Got through the days and nights only with the help of others in my life.  I was numb, angry, in denial, scared, uncertain, and so much more.  My only child, and I couldn't protect him from his internal demons, nor the people in his life who caused the episode.

My doctor prescribed some medications for me to help me through that time, and there was psychological counseling too.

Yet I couldn't relax, I couldn't accept, I couldn't move forward.  I couldn't work.  I could barely fulfill the simplest of functions and tasks.  He returned home and returned to school and back to his normal routine, and I was trapped inside the paralysis which had settled upon me, the helplessness and hopelessness and fear became my constant way of life.

At one point, Master said to me that it was OK for me to allow myself to get well.  That it was OK to give myself permission to heal.

And that simple observation stopped me in my tracks, and seemed to allow something to open up inside of me.  And it took a long time.  But I began the journey.  I allowed myself to accept, and heal, and begin to move on.

I will never forget the events of that time, they were life-altering in ways nothing I've ever experienced has altered my life.  But they are over.  They are in the past.  And once I gave myself permission to begin to heal, it got much easier to cope.  It really did.

And allowing myself to heal did, in NO way, diminish the severity, seriousness, or magnitude of the situation.  Nothing can take away how traumatic and dreadful the experience was.  Getting well, and accepting, and learning to move on, does not make anything less.  But it makes me more.  It allowed my son to further his own healing, and it allowed me to get my life back.

Nothing will ever change that I am the parent of someone who once attempted suicide.  Nothing will ever take that away from me (although I wish it would, but I can't change the past.)  But living in the situation didn't help.  Remaining fixed in that trauma did not help me, nor my son, nor anyone around us.  It wasn't until I let go of that dreadful badge of tragedy that I could begin to live again, and set my son free to live again too.

It's OK to give ourselves permission to heal.  That doesn't lessen the severity of the event we need to heal from.  It's OK to let it go, let it be in the past, as we move forward into the future.  It's hard to experience the present when we cling desperately to the past.  It's OK to focus on the here and now.

One of the key things I had to do was to stop worrying about the future.  How could I know he would never do that again?  How could I protect him?  How could I stop him from harming himself?  How could I stop the people in his life who brought this upon him?

Turns out those answers are at once simple and simultaneously excruciatingly difficult.  Because the answer is I couldn't.  I can't.  Everyday I had to (and still have to) let go and let him live.  I can't control him, nor the world around him, nor the people in his life.  I can't know that all will be well, I can't protect him, I can't.

That is a universal truth we all must come to - we cannot control others.  And to that end, it is futile to waste energy and time worrying about the future.

Live for right now.  Keep the mind out of the past and the future, make it slow down and focus on the here and now.  There are small and large things to enjoy or fuss about right now.  There is life to be lived right now.

It's OK to heal.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Universal Truth

I think I stumbled upon a universal truth.

I was pondering a situation that's been on my mind, and felt the need to say something about it on Facebook.  I boiled down the essence of what I was thinking to this sentence:

Without transparency there can be no trust.

That is the root of the situation and the essence of what I'm feeling, even though I will very likely never say more than that about it to those directly involved.  I said what I needed to say, quietly, and I won't pursue it - most likely.


Some folks clicked Like, and commented.  And I realized then that it was a universal truth, because all of the folks who responded in any way are from very different areas of my Facebook and life, and all are responding from a very different point of view.  One is a single mom, related to me, who is bitter about men and relationships.  Another is a friend from the church I once attended.  Another is a neighbor.  One is a stranger I don't know outside of one of the games we play.  And so on.  They relate to the sentence for different reasons, see the words differently, interpret the meaning differently, and apply the sentence to their lives differently.  One size sort of fits all.  I think that's what makes it a universal truth.

I can only know these truths for myself, I can't make other people know them or live them.  So in my own little passive aggressive way, I said my peace, through a social network.  And that's enough.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011


O/our dog died today.  Well, technically, she died yesterday.
She's gone.
And W/we are sad.
She is the submissive younger sister of O/our dog Duke, who died on 10/8/08.  I've written about her before. The lack of bond I had with her, due in part I think, to her submissive nature.  My bond with her brother was strong and deep, he was my heart and soul in many ways.
But in the past few years I've learned from her.  And grown attached to her.  And I miss her.  Master misses her.  Out vet and his assistants were crying too.
She was a trooper.  She lived through a lot of adversity in her life - many surgeries for a variety of ailments, things that perhaps as the runt of the litter she had to deal with.  Yet she never complained.  Never cried or whined (unless kept separated from us.)
She was long-suffering, perhaps to a fault.  Had she indicated how badly she was feeling W/we could have helped her sooner, made her more comfortable even if W/we couldn't prolong her life.
And in that lies a lesson to me.  From one submissive to another.  Ask for help. Don't be so stoic.  It's not weakness to allow yourself to be a burden to someone else.
She loved to please people - especially Master.  She was a Daddy's girl, like me, even though she clearly respected and obeyed me, our bond just wasn't as strong as hers with PirateDaddy.  Can't fault her for that, He's the one I love to please also.
She was good to the cat, and kind to others.  Protective and affectionate, and sweet natured.
RIP Duchess (12/4/97 - 7/19/11)

Dog's Purpose, from a 4-year-old

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion.

We sat together for a while after Belker's death,wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Little Things Can Make A Big Difference

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?

Saturday, July 9, 2011

On Quitting vs Letting Go

 W/we've been watching a TV series together called "Men Of A Certain Age".  The episode this week was frustrating to watch as our characters made some poor choices which kept them in destructive or negative patterns in their lives.  And W/we were a bit irritated with the writers for not allowing some good and positive outcomes in the lives of the characters.

One of the characters decided to give up on a life-long dream to be a golfer, and he told his friend it was ok, he didn't need it.  And I think what he was really doing was giving up rather than try, because he felt it was worse to try and fail than to not try at all.

Well tell that to Don Quixote!  Or the ancient proverb (probably Chinese or Japanese) which tells us that success means getting up every time we fall.  Try telling that to my Dad who always told me that nothing beats a failure but a try.  (As a little girl I didn't understand that one very well, but I figured it out in time.)

Our golfer guy, Joe, just gave up rather than face the struggle.  Rather than upset his kids, family, and friends.  Rather than let himself down.  He quit instead.  Irony there, since the ultimate let down is never trying.  Yes, sometimes we do need to let go of dreams or goals or plans that no longer meet our needs or suit our lives.  But that isn't the same thing as quitting to avoid heartache and pain and fear and worry and...oh you get the point.

I hope in time that the writers will help this character develop some, well, character.  I hope that we will see growth, and that he will learn some universal truths.  It's not that I want him to be perfect, and never have problems.  That wouldn't be very interesting nor realistic, and drama does need to be believable.  It's just that I'd like him to not consistently make such poor choices.

And I have no more ability nor control over how the storyline develops with this character than I do with how other people's lives develop. And so often I may have learned and understood and internalized a universal truth, but I can do nothing to impart that wisdom to another.  Sadly, so very often, those truths have to be learned the hard way, and on one's own schedule.  And it remains frustrating to me, the fixer, that I can't give everyone the wisdom they need (according to my mind anyway) when they need it.  I have to shut up and let them find the wisdom for themselves.  And that is hard.  And when the wisdom is found, and forward progress is made, and positive outcomes begin to manifest, I am so relieved, and happy.  Whether it's in the life of a friend, loved one, family member, employee, or acquaintance, it's a beautiful thing when realization dawns and the momentum shifts, and the ultimate provisions of the universe abound.

Letting go of my desire to control and make everything be ok is huge, and a key here.  Letting go.  Let go. Don't worry, don't fret, breathe.  Be prepared for the worst when I can take steps to avoid the worst.  But for situations and people over which I have no control, stop being prepared for the worst, and just let it go.  Being prepared won't make the bad any easier to bear, it really won't. Stop wasting time fretting and worrying and being scared.  Let go.

Try, fail, try again. Let go of fear and worries, breathe.


Friday, June 24, 2011


I was reading some old emails that I had saved, checking to see if I still wanted to keep them after all these years have passed.  It's nice to laugh at the funny ones and think about the serious ones.

One of them ended with this line:


Well that's the truth.  The tapestry of my life is made up of all that I have encountered and lived.  Whether the thread made a positive contribution to the picture, or perhaps was more of a blemish, it still is altogether that which makes me who I am.  Some encounters were of the finest silken threads in the most lustrous of colors.  Other encounters used rough, dull, sub-standard thread. And some may have used an invisible thread which, while not seen by others, has given strength and support to the whole piece.

Just seeing my name in a sentence always gives me a little thrill, but this one was so evocative of who I am, I had to share. :)

And because it's worth reading, here is the email story that the above thought was part of:

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.  "What food might this contain?"  The mouse wondered.  He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed this warning :  "There is a mousetrap in the house!   There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me.  I cannot be bothered by it." 

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house!  There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.  Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house!  There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap
. . .. Alone……

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it.  It was a venomous snake whose tail was caught in the trap.

The snake bit the farmer's wife.  The farmer rushed her to the hospital.

When she returned home she still had a fever.  Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup.  So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient:

But his wife's sickness continued.  Friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.
To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.  But, alas, the farmer's wife did not get well...
She died.

So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them for the funeral luncheon.

And the mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

The next time you hear someone is facing a problem and you think it doesn't concern you, remember ---

When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.  We are all involved in this journey called life.
We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I remain one of the few people I know for whom this lifestyle is not about sex.  And for whom submission is not about taking a beating or being bound.  For me that is the stuff of fun and play, and yes, sex too.  But it's the easy, enjoyable part.  This lifestyle and submission are whole-life encompassing, and much harder to live outside of the bedroom/playroom.

I am reminded over and over again of the inter-connectedness of all of us, and the ripples of energy we send out constantly.  So too, there are constantly ripples of energy coming toward us from others.  How those ripples interact with us and how we choose to pass them on is fascinating to me.  At what point do my actions cease being what I intended and begin being what others perceive them to be? And where does my responsibility lie within that paradigm?

I am gratefully reminded again, by the Daily OM for Friday, May 27, 2011, that I can and should, practice shielding myself from the negative energy of other people.  Even when I know I am not the cause, not the problem, not the one the negativity is directed toward, I am drained through the interaction.  So just mentally reminding myself that this is not my issue does not always help me block the negative energy.  I am glad for the tips and tools for centering and shielding which are provided in the reading, and will work on adopting them for myself.

The past couple of weeks W/we've welcomed O/our son home for the summer from his first year away at university.  He did very well, with a 3.2 his first semester and a 4.0 the second semester.  He's working this summer as an intern in his chosen field, and just broke up with his girl-friend.  He will be fine, I'm sure.

I was asked last month how I was doing with the "empty-nest" thing, to which I replied, "Well I filled it with a husband didn't I?"  In truth, Master is my life, and I am complete.  But I am mentally and emotionally stable enough to be complete even were I alone.  I am able to acknowledge the emotion of wanting to keep my child with me always, and give value to that feeling, while knowing intellectually that his progression into adulthood and out into the world to make his own way is a positive outcome.

And so now that he's back home for a bit, it's nice to have him here, and he's always welcome here, and it's also really nice too when he's away and it's just Master and me.  And that doesn't make me a bad mother, lol.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment
*– Lady Dorothy Nevill*

Oh dear. Something for me to practice for sure.  I am such an open person, not much hidden with me, I say it as I see it.  Perhaps I need to learn that it's not necessary to tell all I know.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

*- Marianne Williamson*

How do we stop being afraid of our power and greatness?  What steps can we take to embrace our light, and let it shine?

You must do the things you think you cannot do.
*- Eleanor Roosevelt*

This may be the first step.  Like the Nike ad said - Just do it!

The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.

*- Elbert Hubbard*

This might just be step 2.

I could go on and on I think.  That's the dilemma with this type of rambly, random, brain-dropping sort of entry.  There's no clear beginning, middle, nor end.  There is no one unifying theme of the writing, and once the point has been made you finish.  This is just me sharing little mental snapshots of thought.  I think I'll stop now and let all these little bits sink in and settle and see where I go next.  In general, even with the trials and difficulties in life, of which I do not share much here, but which do exist, even with them, I love life.  I love my life.  I love my Master.  I love my son.  There is very little of importance I would want to change about my life, and the things that aren't important just don't rule the day.  I will not grant them power over my feelings and emotions and energy and actions.  Life is very good.


Sunday, May 15, 2011


So a respected teacher in the area of health once remarked to me that "When hunger is not the problem, food is not the solution."  Well that seemed like a no-brainer, only I realize that for me it isn't.  Food makes the  problems go away, I feel better, so it must have been the solution.  Right?

OK, that was a few years ago, I admit she was right, I know it in my head, and I'm willing to work on remembering and living with that truth.  And guess what I've found out?  It's still hard for me to even KNOW what the problem is.  I don't always recognize that it's not hunger.  I'm such a mess, I can't even tell when I'm hungry and when I've got emotional/psychological issues I'm avoiding.


I have at least 10 friends/acquaintances that have had bariatric surgery.  Some of them were dealing with additional health problems which needed a rapid weight loss in order to correct/improve.  Others were simply, in one person's words, "choosing ease".  By that, they meant that rather than struggle to lose weight by diet and exercise they chose an easier way to shed the unwanted pounds.  This person, and several others, were shedding the weight for cosmetic reasons, although to be honest their overall health cannot help but be improved.  Anyway, I think to myself constantly about having the procedure done too.  After all, it worked for all of them.  It can work for me.  And then I start to think about why I eat, why I don't exercise, and times in my life when I was successfully watching what I ate and exercising.  And I was very successful.  And I felt great.  The weight creeps back on when I grow comfortable with life and where I am, and stop putting in the work to stay on top of difficult interactions.  I avoid emotional discomfort by eating.  And I know in my heart, that even a few years after a successful surgery, I will revert back to emotional eating patterns unless I get those emotions under control.  I know this because I've seen it happen with 3 close friends.  They, like me, are emotional eaters.  And even though their physiology was changed to facilitate weight loss, they didn't learn how to deal with their difficult issues some other way besides by deadening the pain with food.  And they've all gained all the weight back.  And then some.

So I'm reluctant to have the surgery, because I know that I can succeed when I make up my mind to succeed, and if I don't learn other ways of coping the weight will come back.  In so many ways, it's like the Nike ad "Just do it."  I can and should just do it.  What is holding me back?  That's the million dollar question that I don't have an answer for.  Is it laziness?  Is it fear of the unknown?  ick.

I don't know yet.  But I am remembering that when hunger is not the issue food is not the answer, and that there are always second chances, it's never too late, it's time to work on the rewrite.


SNL Inspires

Paul Simon was on SNL (Saturday Night Live) yesterday (may have been a re-peat) and he sang these words:

I'm working on my rewrite, that's right
I'm gonna change the ending

The song is called "Rewrite", and it seemed to jump right into my last posting.

Second chances and renewal.  Just because I took the easy way out in the past doesn't mean I will always take the easy way out, it's never too late to start new.  The universe is just waiting to help me.

Lessons converging to help me get the message?  It's never too late to change the ending.


Friday, May 13, 2011


I was planning to share yesterday - but we all know what happened to Blogger yesterday.  (If you don't know, blogger was "down".  Down is a euphemism for deader than a doornail!)  If it was working for other people that's very nice, it was on life-support at best for me.

So anyway, I'm glad it's back, welcome back Blogger.  I hope you find my post from the other day.  It was a lovely quote by Gilda Radner.  Perhaps Blogger will find it and share it again, perhaps they won't.  Certainly not in my power to control and no point worrying about it.  But it was a lovely quote. :)

I just saw another quote which I just have to share:

The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want now.  -Zig Ziglar

That hit me right in the weight area.  I'm struggling.  Lordy, it's seems I've been struggling always with it.  I guess it's because I trade what I want most for what I want now.  Right now I want the chocolate.  Have not grown up enough to make myself realize that I can't have all the chocolate and maintain a healthy weight.  Self-control is lacking here. grrrr (hate admitting weaknesses).

So about yesterday.  You're probably just dying to know what it was I was planning to share with you. ;)

 Yesterday, I learned that my friend Kate was right when she told me that the universe provides.  You see, at the beginning of March I received a speeding ticket.  It's the 4th one I've had in the past 30 years.  The other 3 were well-earned.  By that I mean that I was speeding, and deserved the tickets.  In each case I really wasn't paying attention to my driving, twice I was actually just driving along admiring the scenery. (Once was Fall leaves in blazing, glorious colors, the other time was Winter tree limbs etched with snow and ice.  Both just beautiful.)  Anyway, this time, I was being careful.  You see, awhile back, Master gave me a wonderful car to drive.  It's small, rather unique in that they didn't make many of them, and fast.  Really fast.  Built with more than just a fast engine, it has all the other things that make race cars fast like suspension and brakes and other technical things.  As He explained to me once, if a car is going to go super fast it has to be able to stop super fast too.  I'm sure that's a supreme over-simplification of the engineering that goes into these kinds of cars, but it's really as much as I need to know.

Ok,  so anyway, to make a long story short (too late!) since I got this car, I've learned that the police really do use profiling, and really will pull over a car like mine just for jollies.  It looks fast therefore it must be fast.  Funny thing, they walk up to me, I put the window down, they're towering over my tiny little car, and as they bend to look into the window and talk to me, they realize they're not talking to a young man out joy-riding, but a fat, middle-aged woman on her way home from work.  And they caution me about not going too fast, or some other such nonsense which they have no evidence of (no radar, no nothing) and then they give me a warning and send me on my way.  So, I've learned to be very careful in this car, I'm tired of being detained for no reason.  On the day in question, I was traveling a road near home, well known to all in the community as a road they frequently patrol - it's residential.  I was carefully making sure I did not exceed 5-7 miles over the limit.  And the officer pulled me over anyway, and claimed I was traveling 16 miles over the limit.  16!  I was shocked.  I had no idea (God, I'm so naive) that an officer would lie about what his radar-gun thingy said.

Well, I knew enough to shut up and just say yes officer blah blah blah.  But I was still livid.  I remained livid.  Actually I am still pretty frustrated at the injustice of it all, but then again I'm the first to admit that Fair is just a place where pigs go to win blue ribbons.  And obviously, since I'm not prone to receiving speeding tickets, I chose to go to trial.  Yesterday was the day of the trial, and I left work early and drove myself to traffic court.  2.5 hours later I was free to go - all charges against me dropped.   Of course it wasn't really vindication or anything, but the result is the same.  I was found not guilty because the officer who wrote the citation did not show up.  I didn't even have to pay court costs.  And that is why I know that the universe does provide.  In our legal system, there is nothing I could have said or done to change the situation.  There's no arguing with the cop, no explaining to the judge, no nothing.  It's one of those times when the fact is we're believed to be guilty and there is no way to prove innocence.  So I thought the best I could hope for was a Probation Before Judgement, which would mean I wouldn't get the point on my license.  But instead, I got better.  And I'm glad.  Well ok, so everyone would be glad, that was a silly thing to say, but it was a deeper sense of justice having been served, and some of my belief in the overall goodness of the universe was restored.  (Yes, I'm that simple, lol.)

When I arrived at home after court, I took some photos of the azalea and rhododendron outside.  On Mother's Day W/we worked in the yard, hacking away at the vines and weeds and dead stuff which were over-taking the yard.  I assumed these bushes were done for the year - they had buds which turned brown without ever opening and I hoped only that they would come back to life next year.  But the very next day they were both in bloom.  Gorgeous bloom!  See for yourself:

It was gratifying to see such good result from O/our efforts, W/we worked very hard but it was worth it.  And I'm pretty sure there's a parable or lesson to be learned here too.  Perhaps one that will tie in with the speeding ticket/vindication and the quote above too.  I bet if I looked hard enough I could find how all these events speak to me of second chances and renewal.  That just because I took the easy way out in the past doesn't mean I will always take the easy way out, it's never too late to start new.  The universe is just waiting to help me.

Lessons taught and left unlearned until the right time, and then all the lessons converge at once to reinforce the message.  Small steps can have big outcomes, it's never too late, and second chances do exist.