Sunday, August 29, 2010

Glitter In The Air

This song touches something deep inside, and I've been wanting to share it for a long time. Stuff and life prevented that, until today. Odd for me to have more than one entry in a day, but I'm not going to stop the muse when it tells me to share!

Glitter In The Air, by Pink

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it.
Have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
And the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone?
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La la la la la la la la

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight?


Bizarre Bazaar

So there's been a large assortment of emotions running through me these days, a bazaar if you will. A veritable smorgasbord of feelings. I think the main culprit is the child unit going off to college. He's living about 3 hours away now, on campus, and has embarked on a new chapter of his life. Which in turn means I've embarked on a new chapter of my life. And there is such joy and excitement in me for him at this step along his life path. There is also sadness and intense heartbreak in me for me at this step along my life path. It's more than a bit bizarre to be so happy and so sad all at the same time.

As I think I mentioned before, I do know all this is normal, and will certainly pass. Time will reassure and reduce feelings of anxiety.

Contributing to the bazaar of course is my recent marriage to Master. And that's been talked about a lot too, and as with children growing up, emotions surrounding marriage are normal also.

And then, Mom had a couple of emergency visits to the hospital followed by surgery, and is now undergoing a very slow recovery at home. Supporting my sister and Mom through this difficulty is emotional as well.

And let's not forget that I remain unhappy with my job, and continue to seek a new position. I don't dislike the work or the industry, but am not happy with the state of affairs within the department and those I work for. I dislike being micro-managed, and this has recently grown worse as the ineptitude of the micro-managers has grown. Trying to maintain a positive approach each day at work taxes my best acting skills. Seeking (and not finding) a change in job and/or career has been disheartening too, but I hope that in time I will find success.

So, lots of things a-swirl in this Tapestry, and the combination is quite bizarre. I'm not naturally bi-polar, so the roller coaster ride can be exhausting. I much prefer a drama-free zone for my life. And so I work hard to keep all these roiling emotions in perspective, reminding myself that all will be well.

Another thing I have found to be bizarre lately is the seeming increase in Anonymous comments around the blog-land. Since we can create a profile and a name (which are in fact anonymous) how lazy is it to not even bother and just comment as an anonymous person? Seems odd. But what's far worse than remaining anonymous in a comment, is the need of some of these folks to spew vitriol. None of the blogs I read would object to someone sharing a comment that disagreed or expressed an opposing view. But all of them (and most of the readers) do object to having such views stated in a nasty and abusive way.

I find the dichotomy of remaining anonymous combined with the attention-seeking aspect of the words they use quite interesting. There are elements of power hunger, need for control, and lots of abuse contained in the way some of these folks write. If they really wanted to give any validity or authority to their words they would not remain anonymous. This combination of behaviors is a full-on buffet of psychological illnesses, or perhaps manifestations of an illness. A bazaar of the bizarre as it were.

The best advice anyone could follow in dealing with these types of people is to dis-engage. Do not reply to, do not acknowledge, just ignore. Delete. The whole point of what these people do is to get attention. And if the only way they can get that attention is by behaving poorly, then so much the better. But truly, the only way for them to ever stop or go away is if they get no satisfactory response (which means no response at all) from their remarks.

It's a complete power trip for them to see that they have the ability to upset, hurt, and enrage someone else. Anyone else. They are happy to upset the blog owner for sure, but they also gain pleasure in upsetting other commenters. Don't give your power away to them. Don't reply, don't acknowledge, just ignore and/or delete. It's truly the only way to be rid of them. If they are, in fact genuine, they will find a way to share an opposing point of view in a courteous and civil manner.

One of the hardest things for humans to accept, I think, is the fact of their powerless over other people. This applies to the bloggers as well as the commenters. Just let it go, there really is nothing to see here folks, keep moving. I mean, do we really need to re-state the obvious that if you don't like what you read here to go away and don't read here? And do we really need to re-state the obvious that polite discourse does not include verbal bludgeoning of those you are addressing?

This whole phenomenon amazes me, and I find it bizarre. But I also know that this pattern comes and goes. Just be patient, these small-minded, weak, and impotent little people will tire of their games and go away. If you ignore them.


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Moving Forward

For Cookie

It takes a lot of courage
to release the familiar and seemingly secure,
to embrace the new.
But there is no real security
in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security
in the adventurous and exciting,
for in movement there is life, and
in change there is power.
-Alan Cohen

Sometimes, moving forward doesn't mean leaving people behind. Sometimes moving forward is all about letting go of behaviors and thoughts that no longer serve us well. Good luck Cookie!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Friday :)

It's good to be Friday. If I were a day of the week, I think I'd like to be Friday. People look forward to the arrival of Friday. :)

This is a wonderful and weird Friday for me all rolled up into one. Today was the last day of work until the 23rd - so a week off before the school year starts up. I'm ready. For the week off. And probably for the school year to start up again too.

But today is also the day my Mom is undergoing emergency gall bladder surgery, and while they're inside, her hiatal hernia (did I spell that right??) will be repaired. Should be fine, she's got very healthy internal parts generally speaking. But at 78, and with advanced, crippling RA, nothing can be taken for granted. But I'm confident all will be well.

Today is also the day my son is traveling home from his vacation in Orlando, FL. His first time going away without me. He stayed a week with his girlfriend, they had a great time. I'm proud of them both. So next week, he and I will be trying to get ready for him to move away to college.
He'll be fine, and I know somehow all the financing and other details will work out. I'm confident that all will be well for him.

And yet my stomach drops to my knees and feels very sick at the thought of him moving away from home. I know this is normal and I'll be fine too. But at the moment, it's weird. I mean, he can't live with me forever - well ok of course he CAN, but I don't want him too. Well ok, maybe I DO want him too, lol, but I don't think that's in his best interests. :)

I mean, omg how do Mom's cope with this fleeing the nest thing?!
It's ok, I'll be fine, lol.
No cause for alarm here folks, nothing to see, keep moving.
What's a mild panic attack between friends?

I'm a little torn, because I know if my Mom or sister need me I'll be traveling to PA to care for them. But how inconvenient, since this is the week I need to get my son ready for college. And therefore, the last week I'll get to spend with him, living together, in the same house. Maybe forever. It's entirely likely that he'll be spending his time off from college with his girlfriend at her home. And he's talking about working and living with her during his summers off.

But if Mom needs me...

A little background. Mom was a very independent and busy woman while my siblings and I were growing up. She didn't have much time for us. And I longed for the type of relationship with my Mom that my girlfriends had with their moms - where they did things together like shopping and painting their nails and hair appointments. Girlstuff. And they talked to one another about things. Important things and silly things.

But that wasn't to be, it wasn't my Mom's style, and I was foisted off on my Dad to take care of when he wasn't at work. (Yes, I'm sure that's how I became such a Daddy's girl, lol!)

So, knowing how that lack of an involved mother affected me, how the fact that she wasn't and didn't care to be present in my life hurt my feelings, I set out to parent the way I wished to be parented. Now no, of course my son didn't go in for the girly stuff either, lol. But we have always been close. And we did things together, and we talked. About everything. We understand one another (I'll admit though that he understands me as well as a self-absorbed teen-ager can, lol.)

And I've been able to take care of him and do things for him - things that weren't done for me. And I've been able to help him through trials and tribulations, sometimes only able to hold his hand while he worked it out, but still, the one he's always known he could count on.

So who's going to do that for him when he's away at college? And who's going to keep bad people from hurting him?
Oh I know, it's all up to him now. And I know that's how it should be, and it means I've done a good job as a parent in preparing him to face the world on his own two feet. But I don't want him to go out there.
Ok there I said it. Are you happy now? ;)


What is so alien to me is his need and desire and readiness to leave home and enter a new phase of his life which is away from me. I never (not ever) wanted to be away from my parents. I lived at home during college. After I was married the first time, we lived close to my parents, and spent our time with them.

And while I think (intellectually) that my son's path is the healthier path (compared to my obsession with my parents) that doesn't mean I understand or "get-it". In my head I do. But in my heart I'm baffled. And in my gut I'm sick.

So I think it's time to keep the head in charge and tell the heart and gut to chill. They need to trust my head. Because it is good and right for a son to move away from Mom and out into the world. Don't we all make fun of the 40 year old virgin living in his Mom's basement? I wouldn't want that for my own son, I want him to have the joy of seeing all the wonder life has in store for him. And if he's prepared and ready to move out to meet the world, then I've done my job, and well.

But you know, there's that tiny voice in the back of my head that keeps asking just what's wrong with a 40 year old virgin living at home in mom's basement, roflmao!


Friday, August 6, 2010

The Knot Is Tied!

The event was lovely, just as low-key and relaxing as hoped for. Which is real good since the journey to O/our honeymoon was a bit draining, lol. W/we had a lovely time though. This work-week has been just a little rough around the edges due to the slow recovery from jet-lag and re-establishing normal sleep patterns. But so very worth it!

I've been realizing (slowly) that some of my self-worth issues are still alive and well, even if deeply hidden. It came to my conscious mind while dealing with gifts, specifically the receiving of gifts for O/our wedding. And it reared it's unattractive head more than once and with a variety of people. It seems that I'm uncomfortable receiving gifts. Extremely. The feeling of unworthiness is quite strong, even though it doesn't like to be called by that name.

Apparently, calling our demons by name, recognizing and calling them out, is important. Demons like to hide behind politeness and niceties so they appear to be other than a demon. So, I'm working on naming it, holding it accountable, and banishing it from my psyche.

I know there will always be bits with me, but in time I hope the positive and healthy will easily conquer the negative and unhealthy. I am worthy. Of gifts, of mental health, of happiness, and all things bright and beautiful! (My new mantra.)