Saturday, September 12, 2009

Glimpses of Clarity

So many people having so many eye-opening thoughts and break-through moments, and other significant events and explorations to share lately.

I've been quite caught up in all my own drama, the start of the school year and loss of summer ease, Mom's move, my illness, and more.

The latest is Mom's hospitalization for the infection she's been battling for a couple years now. The infection prevents her from receiving her treatment for RA (rheumatoid arthritis) since the drugs would force the bacteria into all her joints where the bacteria would then destroy what is left of her joints and her physical abilities. So, we need to get rid of this infection once and for all, because without her RA meds she is almost unable to function independently at all.

Anyway, the urologist in her new city determined that the bacteria Mom's battling is resistant to all oral meds, and so decided to admit her to the hospital for IV antibiotics. Wonder why the urologist here didn't do the same? *pout* I'm very glad that she's getting the care and treatment she needs, and at the same time I'm beside myself that I'm not there to take care of her. None of her friends are there to visit and cheer her, and my sister isn't able, or can't make the time, to visit and spend time at the hospital. I'm trying to be calm, but I've been through lots of hospital stays with Mom and I know how to help her get the best care. How to interact with the medical folks so they know what Mom needs, even when she won't or can't articulate for herself. I remember to take her a Starbucks Vanilla Latte everyday. I stay for a few hours, help her with whatever she needs. I take her used clothing home to wash and return it clean the next day. I stop to buy supplies and things that will help her stay be easier. I buy yummy dinners for her every other day or so - even nice restaurants do carry out!

And so perhaps, even when I explain to my sister what to do to take care of Mom, she might not do it the way I did. I have no control. And I hate that. How can I be sure she's getting the best care and that her way is smoothed ahead of her if I'm not there and in charge? I can't. And there's nothing I can do about that. grrrrrr

And I think how much my struggles resemble what I've been reading in other blogs. Oh maybe not a sick loved one, or finally having to cut those apron strings after 45 years of life, but at other levels. Practicing unconditional love, the giving and receiving of it that is. Learning to be transparent in our relationships, beginning with ourselves. Learning to not make value judgments about other people's behavior, instead letting go and accepting. At a variety of levels and in myriad ways, this is what I'm reading around the bloggy places. The specific situations are different for each of us and the ways we are working through these concepts is different. But the core of our situations, at the heart, lies the universal human condition.

And that is why we've found each other, among the thousands and thousands of bloggers in this world, we've found one another because we deal with similar life and relationship issues even as we all walk such unique and individual paths. Collectively we are one, and we help ourselves and each other when we write and share on our blogs and comment on one another's blogs. When we ponder on what we've read we see how the ideas apply or don't apply to ourselves, and we grow.

We are a mutually beneficial community of people living separate lives. And I think perhaps it is the very anonymity we have here which allows us to share ourselves so honestly. Whatever it is, I'm grateful. Because it helps me to work through my own deal as I read your viewpoint and the way you handle your deal. Thank you.



  1. Tapestry -- I am so sorry that you are facing additional stress and worry with your mother and her care. It can be very hard to let go and trust that what is being done is what needs to happen -- to let the control pass from us to others. I wish you and your family peace, and I wish great wisdom and compassion on those who care for your mother.

    You are right, of course, when we are at our best, when we stay open, that is when we are able to learn from one another and share the burdens and joys. I count you as a valued friend, and I am glad we found each other.

    All the best,

  2. Thank you Swan. I am glad Mom's getting better medical care, and no use being frustrated that she wasn't being treated as aggressively when she was here. It's over and done with. The wishes for wisdom and compassion from her caregivers means alot to me.

    I'm honored to be considered a friend, and am so very grateful I was led to your blog. You are of value to me as well dear friend.


  3. I've woken with a 'brain on go slow' day (its an CFS thing) but wanted to reach in with a hug. I so understand your struggle with control over your mother. I'm beginning to see how maybe the resistance my mother and I have had (maybe even still are having) about taking steps to find my grandmother a care home are to do with what feels like giving up some of that control.

    I'm glad your mother is getting the care she needs. Hopefully, they'll get on top of this infection and things will move forward.

    I couldn't agree more about the value of the community we build among ourselves here. Its something amost tangible at times and always makes me smile when it happens.

    I promise to write to you soon beautiful one. For and hugs xxx

  4. Thank you dearest M:e. I feel so much more complete with you in my life.