Saturday, November 14, 2009

Good Question Michelle!

I love the chatbox in the right margin of this blog. It's a great tool for connecting with others. Recently, Michelle asked, "What made you want to be a slavegirl?"

Certainly far too much runs through my mind to fit in the little chatbox, so I'll answer here instead.

The first thought that popped up was that I really didn't want to be one. I mean seriously, why would I want to serve another person? I work full-time outside the home, and then come home and can't always have my own way, can't always relax when I need to, and frequently feel quite overwhelmed. So I don't know that I really want to be a slave.

The thing is, I just am one. Even when there was no name and title for it (before I found out about power-exchange relationships) it's who I was. While I do need down-time, and can't always take care of and provide for the others in my life the way I'd like to (including Master,) the fact still remains that I am at my best and happiest when I am able to serve. When I feel I've made a positive difference for someone else. In truth, my career is in the service industry, where I care for and provide for others. And since I'm in management, I not only care for the needs of my customers but also my employees.

Even without knowing the first thing about power-exchange, service and slavery, I naturally needed to serve. The short answer is I don't want to be a slave an awful lot of the time. And yet I am happiest when the needs of others are being cared for. I am happier in my relationship with Master when I am able to follow His lead and know that He is happy. That feeds me and meets my needs.

All of that is quite separate from BDSM and my masochistic side. Just enjoying BDSM play is not, for me, related to service. Many folks get caught up in labels and the linguistics used to describe WIITWD, so I'm finding it difficult to describe my feelings here, because I don't want to step on the feelings of anyone else. So try to see beyond the words and understand my heart.

I enjoy masochistic play, and really enjoy that lovely flight into another plane which we usually describe as sub-space. I could pretty much enjoy that play and flight with any skilled sadist, especially if I trusted the person and knew that I was safe. At the end of the play, I could walk away from that sadist, without feeling the need to submit my will to nor serve that person. I would feel equal to that person, knowing that their sadistic needs were met by my own masochistic needs - they needed me as much as I needed them.

Another layer for me is submission of will - doing and being the person that dominant wants me to be. Eating what and how they want me to, cooking the way they want me to, wearing the clothes they want me to, behaving (privately and publicly) the way they want me to. Opening myself to their control, in all areas, not just in the playroom and bedroom. This could also be accomplished with a strong dominant type with whom there was some chemistry. This is a layer deeper for me than just play. But it isn't the deepest layer. After all, I submitted my will easily to the desires and wishes of my father while I was growing up, and even for quite a long time after I was married and not living with nor dependent on my Dad.

The deepest layer for me is in service. And it isn't glamorous. There's nothing fun about cleaning someone's toilet. And yet, that layer is where I find the most intense challenges to my commitment. Because frankly, I don't want to. I don't wanna! I don't like it and it isn't fair. Nobody ever takes care of me. Why do I havta do it? This is the layer where there is very little gratitude, and is typically not even noticed. This is the place where day in and day out, the needs are simply taken care of, and no one even notices. Unless there's a problem. ;)

So why do I engage in service? And no, it isn't just cleaning toilets, it's all the many ways we care for others day in and day out. The cooking and the cleaning are part of it, and the laundry, and all the ways the household needs to function. Yet there are plenty of times when Master will pitch in and even take care of those tasks Himself. So what else is service? Because for me, that's ultimately what makes me a slavegirl. It's the heart and desire to serve, to care for, and make things easier for the ones I love. And that is reserved for those I care deeply for. And I'm not sure I can say, after all this what makes me want to be a slavegirl, I just am one. I need to serve, even in icky tasks that no one likes to do. I need to know I've helped the people I love as they travel the paths of their lives. Sometimes the service may take the form of staying "hands-off" while they sort through things on their own, and sometimes it means packing their lunches for them. My service takes many forms, and it is not often of my own choosing, but rather meeting the need that they have.

So I hope that answers the question. I feel unsatisfied with my response but the truth is, I don't want to be a slave, I simply am a slave. And even when I don't actively pursue and engage in slavery with Master and with the BDSM overtones/undertones, I need and find outlets for service in other areas of my life.

I know that my layers and the descriptions I gave of those layers aren't the same for other people. Please don't take my words as definitions nor universal descriptions for other people, they really only work for and apply to me. (Or as Donkey and Shrek would say, what seems like a parfait to me appears to be an onion to someone else.)


1 comment:

  1. As someone who's submission to He Who Must Be Adored is very much service orientated, I enjoyed this posting. We've said in the past that service comes in many forms, some proactive, some reactive, and some by holding back on any form of action. I know you understood when I said its not always 'sexy' but it is always satisfying.

    love and hugs xxx