I have struggled at times against the relaxed nature of Master's ownership of me. Finding myself all twisted up in my mind about my longing for Him to be stronger and more assertive and more controlling. And oh how my mind would circle around and round, twisting it's metaphoric panties into a wad. Always coming back to acceptance of how things are, and the reality that W/we are creating a life together, and life is not always perfect, nor a bed of roses, nor champagne and caviar. In real life there are struggles. So in the end, my mind calms down, and the twisted-ness relaxes a bit. Until the next time my brain goes haywire.
I recently had a revelation though. For some reason my brain, by it's own little self, finally figured out that Master is very much in control, and doing things as He sees fit. He doesn't do things as I wish, but then again the little voice in my head said "Duh! Isn't that the point?" Perhaps instead of telling me to perform a task he asks me if I would, and perhaps that doesn't fit my limited idea of how Master should issue commands to me. Yet, I finally understood deep inside that it is His right to ask me rather than tell me. It really doesn't matter - the task is still expected to be done. It really isn't my place to have expectations at all.
I really felt quite stupid when my head finally wrapped itself around this notion. Maybe it's easier to feel my ownership when I'm being told rather than asked. But it isn't my place to determine how Master exerts His ownership.
I suspect my journey in regard to labels and semantics and stereo-types over the past few months has led to this revelation. I'm certainly grateful. And my twisted little brain may still falter and forget, but if I can just keep one thought in mind to guide me even when I'm feeling foggy I think it has to be that "Everything is fine, accept and relax."
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You described it so well! You described how I feel so often. You articulated all these vague, crazy thoughts in my head so very well! I'm sorry that I'm such a selfish reader (and commenter) in the sense that I'm always searching for something that captures my thoughts, the ones I can't express myself. Thank you, thank you. Your words mean so much to me!
ReplyDeletelove,
radha
Yes. Almost my exact words.
ReplyDeleteI had that realization, too, and love the irony of wanting to control how he controls. (see eyes roll at self humorously)
Radha,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I'm so relieved that someone else struggles with these things too. :) Thank YOU!
And whenever something I share touches and blesses another person I am grateful and humbled to have been a vessel for the transferring of thoughts and ideas.
I think we all read as a way to search for meaning and enlightenment - a way of understanding our own lives and realities. So if that means we're selfish well then good for us.
Thank you for your presence here and in the other places around the inter-webs I encounter you.
Gillette,
ReplyDeleteI kept laughing at myself for that one. The ultimate "topping from the bottom" and to think - it wasn't working! I couldn't make Him do it my way.
It's easier when you don't struggle...lol.
Aren't those 'lightbulb moments' something??
ReplyDeleteThis is something I have had to bring myself back to over and over again during the time we've been together. I think that's true for many D/s relationships. I (try) to keep an image in mind of my being his submissive a bit like being a job (and yes, that pushes some people's buttons when I say it).
It might be my dream job, my vocation...but I try to keep in mind that if it was a job, what I was asked to do, what was expected of me, wouldn't be my choice, though I might have quite a lot of autonomy about how I carried those things out because I was trusted to do my job well.
Any change of conditions, or job content, or 'probation periods' are down to the management.
Thank you for this posting sweety. It sometimes helps to be reminded that we often all struggle with the same things, and that we're really not so very different.
love and hugs xxx
I constantly find myself thinking that I know how to handle me better than He does...lol. The real funny part is that He constantly proves me wrong..lol!
ReplyDeleteAsking is a far better test of your obedience, submission and understanding than telling would ever be.
ReplyDeleteJust my opinion of course.
M;e - isn't it beautiful how one person's revelation is another person's reminder? Hopefully the next time someone writes about this topic it will be my reminder, lol. I felt insanely foolish when it finally hit me. After all, I'm not a new submissive nor in a new relationship. Seems someone as experienced as myself SHOULD have known better. (Aren't those "shoulds" the worst thing we do to ourselves?!)
ReplyDeleteI can easily see your point about "job". Frequently humans are "called" to a job or mission or other work and expression of the divine. Our service to our Dominant partners fits easily into that category I think. Certainly for me I am not willing to be service oriented to just anyone calling themselves Master, Dominant, or any other term. I could bottom for someone else, but to serve them? Nope. That's for Master alone, and is born of my love and devotion to Him and His happiness and well-being. To me, bottoming and BDSM play are not service per se. The service lies in caring for the needs of another, and in obedience.
Princess - So I'm in very good company then. Thanks for that - I'm glad to know I'm not alone! And I'm very glad that you have someone who does know best and who loves you and cares enough to assert His way even if you're trying to convince Him otherwise.
ReplyDelete:)
But Mr C... (hear that said in my best whiney pouty voice)
ReplyDeleteI don't want a test, I just want the easy happy stuff. It so much funner and easier and yummier when those Domly fierce growl-y commands are simply issued and demanded. Then I don't have to think and decide and figure it all out.
I want to be lazy!
:)
And your opinion is valuable - thank you for sharing it even when I'm being less than gracious.
Tapestry, I think its normal for submissives to question a bit how things get done. I don't think I know even one who never does it. I think its a part of the process of submission.
ReplyDeleteI think that each time I've felt submissive with someone, there's then been a process of questioning the program as he sees it. I can be utterly ridiculous about it too...
Its good to get a moment on your blog. I'd love to read more, but I'm trying to just do a fly by with the blogs that M:e posted on recently. ((big hugs))
Thanks for being you and for reminding me of this process yet again as I'm contemplating the feelings I feel developing for someone just now...I can feel the questioning going on...and its a timely reminder. *smiles*
"I can feel the questioning going on...and its a timely reminder. *smiles*"And this my dear Shannee is serendipity at it's finest. The journey of one person coinciding at just the right time to assist with the journey of another person. I love it when the universe does things like that! So utterly cool.
ReplyDeletehuggggg
Tapestry,
ReplyDeleteYour comment about wanting to be lazy, hit the nail on the head! I love your insight and humor. KayLynn