Today is my son's 18th birthday. I wished him well, but he's been in another state visiting his girlfriend since last Thursday, and won't be back till tomorrow, so no giving gifts or a celebratory meal and birthday cake till after he comes home.
It's weird. It's the first time not being with my child on his birthday. It's just the beginning though. I know that as they get older and live their own lives being apart from children on their special day is more commonplace. I guess I'm just a little melancholy this first time. And really, 18 is such a milestone in our society. He's been away a lot this summer, as well as working when he's home, so I've been alone alot this summer. I've loved it actually, but it's so different from last summer. He and his friends were here constantly, such fun times.
Constant change. I've mentioned before that I love it, need it, and thrive on it. I meant in terms of myself and my personal growth and development. I meant in the ways and amounts I want, like, and need. In order to not feel static and stagnant. Not sure I like the changes with loved ones. Taking my son further from me, even though I know it's normal, natural, and healthy. Doesn't mean I have to love it. I can cut the apron strings and be glad he's moving on and into his own life without loving it. I know I'll adjust fine.
So Happy Birthday to my son. 18 years ago today I began this journey. I wonder what the next 18 years have in store?
.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
A Rose By Any Other Name
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
~Eleanor Roosevelt
,
Monday, July 13, 2009
The Matriarch from Hell
Some years ago I made my peace with my experience of my Mom (I say it that way because I realize my perceptions of her may not be the same as other people's perceptions of her, including my siblings.)
And yet, working through my experiences is still an on-going necessity in order to try to remain in a healthy head-space and for my emotional health. Recently, I was stewing all over again about how nothing I ever do or say is good enough for her. I constantly think of ways to try to please her or make her life easier (no small feat given her age and advanced RA and physical disabilities.) Over the years I've done things for her, thinking it would make her happy, and been amazed at the dreadful response from her. Apparently I'm a slow learner because I continue to try to do nice things for her.
A couple of points realized here. First, I am a pleaser, I always have been and always will be. It is simply who I am. It does not guarantee that those whom I attempt to please are capable of being pleased. My mother is apparently not, nor was my ex-husband.
Second, Mom's inability to accept anything I do for her, or gifts I give to her, and find pleasure and joy in the receiving of service from me (or anyone else) is her problem, not mine. I have not failed simply because she chose to not be pleased. And the root of her inability to accept service is her own insecurity and lack of self-confidence. She has issues. Those issues spilled over onto her children, and they came to her largely from her own parents. I suspect she was a better mother to me than her mother was to her. I know I've parented my son more effectively than I was parented, although I'm sure he'll have issues too - hopefully they won't be the same as mine, lol.
These points are lifeblood for me - absolute MUST remembers, even if it means repeating them to myself daily. I am a pleaser, not everyone can be pleased, and their inability to be pleased has NOTHING to do with me and is no reflection on my ability and self-worth. Unless I work hard to remember these points, I can very easily get caught up in a negative downward spiral.
Some would say that it is Master's responsibility to help me work through that and remain healthy. But I'm not sure I agree with that. I've worked through the issues, and made my peace, and know how to move forward in a way that is healthy for me. How much hand-holding should He have to do with me? Isn't there a point where He can expect me to keep my mind from taking me back down there?
My need to please gets so tangled up in everything, I don't often know how to respond during a conversation. Recently, during one discussion of a problem He was having, He reminded me that I didn't have to fix the problem. That was liberating, to say the least. As a pleaser sometimes it feels that the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Sometimes I feel that He does expect me to fix things. There seems to be a skew in my mind that blurs for me the lines of service and fixing.
I tread this path daily, trying to work out how my own perceptions distort reality, in all my relationships - and mostly, within my own mind.
In the end, this entry really isn't about the Matriarch from hell, but rather the way my mind gets wrapped up in knots, even as I long for clarity. I long for everyone in my life to own their own crap. And perhaps, if I stop trying to please for a little bit, and stop trying to fix, I'll find that each person will step up and take care of their own issues, or perhaps I'll find that they have been all along. But no matter what, I must find a way to seperate my service to Master from my need to please.
The pleaser in me seems to be afraid that I am unlovable unless I do X or perform Y or give this, that, or the other. Offering service must not come from a place of fear and worry and self-doubt, and that is exactly where the need to please comes from.
Shew. A lot to think about. Making your peace with the past doesn't mean you can stop learning from it. Pleasing someone else is not possible if they don't wish to be pleased, and is no reflection on the giver. I cannot fix anything for other people, and to think I can or should is presumptuous at best. Sevice comes from a place of security and self-worth and confidence, the need to please comes from a needy and fearful place. Ultimately, I am worthy of love, even when I haven't received/experienced love from others. And that is no reflection on me.
Wow.
.
And yet, working through my experiences is still an on-going necessity in order to try to remain in a healthy head-space and for my emotional health. Recently, I was stewing all over again about how nothing I ever do or say is good enough for her. I constantly think of ways to try to please her or make her life easier (no small feat given her age and advanced RA and physical disabilities.) Over the years I've done things for her, thinking it would make her happy, and been amazed at the dreadful response from her. Apparently I'm a slow learner because I continue to try to do nice things for her.
A couple of points realized here. First, I am a pleaser, I always have been and always will be. It is simply who I am. It does not guarantee that those whom I attempt to please are capable of being pleased. My mother is apparently not, nor was my ex-husband.
Second, Mom's inability to accept anything I do for her, or gifts I give to her, and find pleasure and joy in the receiving of service from me (or anyone else) is her problem, not mine. I have not failed simply because she chose to not be pleased. And the root of her inability to accept service is her own insecurity and lack of self-confidence. She has issues. Those issues spilled over onto her children, and they came to her largely from her own parents. I suspect she was a better mother to me than her mother was to her. I know I've parented my son more effectively than I was parented, although I'm sure he'll have issues too - hopefully they won't be the same as mine, lol.
These points are lifeblood for me - absolute MUST remembers, even if it means repeating them to myself daily. I am a pleaser, not everyone can be pleased, and their inability to be pleased has NOTHING to do with me and is no reflection on my ability and self-worth. Unless I work hard to remember these points, I can very easily get caught up in a negative downward spiral.
Some would say that it is Master's responsibility to help me work through that and remain healthy. But I'm not sure I agree with that. I've worked through the issues, and made my peace, and know how to move forward in a way that is healthy for me. How much hand-holding should He have to do with me? Isn't there a point where He can expect me to keep my mind from taking me back down there?
My need to please gets so tangled up in everything, I don't often know how to respond during a conversation. Recently, during one discussion of a problem He was having, He reminded me that I didn't have to fix the problem. That was liberating, to say the least. As a pleaser sometimes it feels that the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Sometimes I feel that He does expect me to fix things. There seems to be a skew in my mind that blurs for me the lines of service and fixing.
I tread this path daily, trying to work out how my own perceptions distort reality, in all my relationships - and mostly, within my own mind.
In the end, this entry really isn't about the Matriarch from hell, but rather the way my mind gets wrapped up in knots, even as I long for clarity. I long for everyone in my life to own their own crap. And perhaps, if I stop trying to please for a little bit, and stop trying to fix, I'll find that each person will step up and take care of their own issues, or perhaps I'll find that they have been all along. But no matter what, I must find a way to seperate my service to Master from my need to please.
The pleaser in me seems to be afraid that I am unlovable unless I do X or perform Y or give this, that, or the other. Offering service must not come from a place of fear and worry and self-doubt, and that is exactly where the need to please comes from.
Shew. A lot to think about. Making your peace with the past doesn't mean you can stop learning from it. Pleasing someone else is not possible if they don't wish to be pleased, and is no reflection on the giver. I cannot fix anything for other people, and to think I can or should is presumptuous at best. Sevice comes from a place of security and self-worth and confidence, the need to please comes from a needy and fearful place. Ultimately, I am worthy of love, even when I haven't received/experienced love from others. And that is no reflection on me.
Wow.
.
Friday, June 26, 2009
The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~Robert Frost
Thought I'd share this since I alluded to it in my last entry, and because it is one of my favorite poems of all time.
After my entry 2 nights ago, I've learned that sometimes giving voice to inner angst is very painful. I cry, without knowing why I'm crying, and feel generally quite lost. I suspect this phase will pass soon enough, leading into yet another stage of whatever is happening, be it grief or some other process of dealing with the uncertainty and challenge that face me and the ones I love.
So, while keeping things inside and pushing the worry aside was easier in some ways, I know that only in letting it out will I be able to move on through to the other side. And really, the bottling things up, even when done unconsciously, is pretty darn harmful all by itself. But really, I'm not in love with the tears and feelings of fragility. Bring on the next phase of healing!
.
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~Robert Frost
Thought I'd share this since I alluded to it in my last entry, and because it is one of my favorite poems of all time.
After my entry 2 nights ago, I've learned that sometimes giving voice to inner angst is very painful. I cry, without knowing why I'm crying, and feel generally quite lost. I suspect this phase will pass soon enough, leading into yet another stage of whatever is happening, be it grief or some other process of dealing with the uncertainty and challenge that face me and the ones I love.
So, while keeping things inside and pushing the worry aside was easier in some ways, I know that only in letting it out will I be able to move on through to the other side. And really, the bottling things up, even when done unconsciously, is pretty darn harmful all by itself. But really, I'm not in love with the tears and feelings of fragility. Bring on the next phase of healing!
.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Snippets
What I've learned and/or discovered:
Everyone heals differently. From physical and emotional and mental trials and tribulations, we all progress uniquely. For example, my surgical wounds are healed, but my body is still adjusting and adapting and coping. Sometimes it does this adjusting when I really don't expect or anticipate a need to adjust, and it takes a moment to figure out what's going on. But I'm confident that in time all will be just fine.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Safety is a state of mind. If I am in a safe place mentally and emotionally, I will in fact, be safe. To say that I didn't feel safe in the interwebs in recent months is not a statement of what I was reading and experiencing, rather it was a statement of my own inner reality.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It's OK to mourn the death of a beloved pet, and I don't have to get over it since it was only a pet. I realized anew that my life is so much less without Duke in it. And I know I'm fine, and will be fine, and I've discovered that pushing the grief aside is just as detrimental as if I had lost a human member of the family. It's been almost 9 months, and just realizing that he's been gone that long takes my breath away and reduces me to tears. My heart hurts.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I've learned that no matter how difficult the relationship with your parent may be, it is never easy to adjust to having them move 350 miles away, when you've lived near them all your life. It is also never easy to adjust to the parent's loss of physical ability, independence, and autonomy.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I've learned that figuring out how to best parent a child on the brink of manhood is tricky at best, and even more difficult when the child is an alien. He is nothing like me. This child is such an individual, and so unique, so unconcerned with pleasing other people (especially authority figures) and so delighted with being himself, and blazing his own trail. He amazes me that he was thrilled to graduate a year early and work out his own best path to adulthood, rather than follow the proscribed path of High School and Proms and Graduation ceremonies. He does what works best for him, in his own time, and never worries about what others are doing. He's not a loner, as he enjoys the company of his peers, but he's unconcerned with "fitting in". He learned from his teachers, but had no desire to demonstrate to them that he had learned what they taught. Yet he passed all his tests with honors.
He is so very different from me, the people pleaser, the one for whom good grades and all the pomp and circumstance mattered. But I forget that he's different, and I needn't be sad for what I think he's missing. He doesn't want it anyway - that was me. He much prefers to follow the "Road Less Traveled." (a book by M. Scott Peck, but the title was taken from a poem by Robert Frost.) I grow melancholy as all his friends celebrate the traditional rites of passage and make plans for college, and yet, he is so happy in the here and now he has created for himself. He doesn't need or desire those rites.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I've learned so many things, much more than I can recall right now. Mostly, during these past months, I've come to realize that it is, in the words of the song I posted in my last entry, the climb. That really is what matters, and ultimately, all that matters. The climb. How we live day in and day out. Because there will always be lessons to learn. And there will always be mountains to move. There will always be something else to cope with. What matters is the coping, the climb. And I know that when the emotional and mental and physical bank account are drained dry, the climb can seem insurmountable. And it isn't always easy to make deposits to those accounts. Somehow, the climb itself must include ways to put back, before we run out. I forgot that in the past months, and I'm not done finding ways to refill what was depleted. I'm trying but I'm still quite empty. I'm not there yet. Somedays I can't face the frikkin climb at all, and really just need to pull the covers over my head and wish it would all go away. But that isn't an option, so I put on my big girl panties and get on with it. That's what good girls do, right?
But it is all about the climb. And I will be and in fact, AM, fine. None of the worries of today will be seen from a galloping horse, as my Grandmother used to say. I've missed everyone here, and yet I've had nothing to give. I was overwhelmed at the thought of trying to read and participate even as I was missing you all.
As I get myself put back together, I am trusting and believing that I will once again find joy and energy in participating in this wonderful community. I hope it's soon. I think even writing this much is a good first step.
huggggggg
Tapestry
.
Everyone heals differently. From physical and emotional and mental trials and tribulations, we all progress uniquely. For example, my surgical wounds are healed, but my body is still adjusting and adapting and coping. Sometimes it does this adjusting when I really don't expect or anticipate a need to adjust, and it takes a moment to figure out what's going on. But I'm confident that in time all will be just fine.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Safety is a state of mind. If I am in a safe place mentally and emotionally, I will in fact, be safe. To say that I didn't feel safe in the interwebs in recent months is not a statement of what I was reading and experiencing, rather it was a statement of my own inner reality.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It's OK to mourn the death of a beloved pet, and I don't have to get over it since it was only a pet. I realized anew that my life is so much less without Duke in it. And I know I'm fine, and will be fine, and I've discovered that pushing the grief aside is just as detrimental as if I had lost a human member of the family. It's been almost 9 months, and just realizing that he's been gone that long takes my breath away and reduces me to tears. My heart hurts.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I've learned that no matter how difficult the relationship with your parent may be, it is never easy to adjust to having them move 350 miles away, when you've lived near them all your life. It is also never easy to adjust to the parent's loss of physical ability, independence, and autonomy.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I've learned that figuring out how to best parent a child on the brink of manhood is tricky at best, and even more difficult when the child is an alien. He is nothing like me. This child is such an individual, and so unique, so unconcerned with pleasing other people (especially authority figures) and so delighted with being himself, and blazing his own trail. He amazes me that he was thrilled to graduate a year early and work out his own best path to adulthood, rather than follow the proscribed path of High School and Proms and Graduation ceremonies. He does what works best for him, in his own time, and never worries about what others are doing. He's not a loner, as he enjoys the company of his peers, but he's unconcerned with "fitting in". He learned from his teachers, but had no desire to demonstrate to them that he had learned what they taught. Yet he passed all his tests with honors.
He is so very different from me, the people pleaser, the one for whom good grades and all the pomp and circumstance mattered. But I forget that he's different, and I needn't be sad for what I think he's missing. He doesn't want it anyway - that was me. He much prefers to follow the "Road Less Traveled." (a book by M. Scott Peck, but the title was taken from a poem by Robert Frost.) I grow melancholy as all his friends celebrate the traditional rites of passage and make plans for college, and yet, he is so happy in the here and now he has created for himself. He doesn't need or desire those rites.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I've learned so many things, much more than I can recall right now. Mostly, during these past months, I've come to realize that it is, in the words of the song I posted in my last entry, the climb. That really is what matters, and ultimately, all that matters. The climb. How we live day in and day out. Because there will always be lessons to learn. And there will always be mountains to move. There will always be something else to cope with. What matters is the coping, the climb. And I know that when the emotional and mental and physical bank account are drained dry, the climb can seem insurmountable. And it isn't always easy to make deposits to those accounts. Somehow, the climb itself must include ways to put back, before we run out. I forgot that in the past months, and I'm not done finding ways to refill what was depleted. I'm trying but I'm still quite empty. I'm not there yet. Somedays I can't face the frikkin climb at all, and really just need to pull the covers over my head and wish it would all go away. But that isn't an option, so I put on my big girl panties and get on with it. That's what good girls do, right?
But it is all about the climb. And I will be and in fact, AM, fine. None of the worries of today will be seen from a galloping horse, as my Grandmother used to say. I've missed everyone here, and yet I've had nothing to give. I was overwhelmed at the thought of trying to read and participate even as I was missing you all.
As I get myself put back together, I am trusting and believing that I will once again find joy and energy in participating in this wonderful community. I hope it's soon. I think even writing this much is a good first step.
huggggggg
Tapestry
.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Speaking To Me At This Time
The Climb lyrics
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa
© HOPELESS ROSE MUSIC; VISTAVILLE MUSIC
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Alive and Well
I don't have time to post a lot, and not much time for reading at the moment either. But I do promise that I'll get caught up eventually.
This past weekend W/we were out of town which started the lack of time.
Then my laptop started having issues making internet time harder to manage.
My school closed down for a few days due to one of our students having a confirmed case of Swine Flu. You'd think having time off would make it so I could spend more time catching up with everyone, but the travel, and sick laptop, as well as the rain and gloom outside and my messed up routine have thrown me for a loop.
By the by - the student is fine, never hospitalized, recovering nicely, and was actually never AT school to pass on the virus. But the media has got everyone so alarmed that parents refused to send their kids to school so the "powers-that-be" finally decided to close the building. I think students and staff were even encouraged to stay home - voluntary quarantine. But really - I don't have the flu and I'm not sick!
oink oink
.
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