I remain one of the few people I know for whom this lifestyle is not about sex.  And for whom submission is not about taking a beating or being bound.  For me that is the stuff of fun and play, and yes, sex too.  But it's the easy, enjoyable part.  This lifestyle and submission are whole-life encompassing, and much harder to live outside of the bedroom/playroom.

I am reminded over and over again of the inter-connectedness of all of us, and the ripples of energy we send out constantly.  So too, there are constantly ripples of energy coming toward us from others.  How those ripples interact with us and how we choose to pass them on is fascinating to me.  At what point do my actions cease being what I intended and begin being what others perceive them to be? And where does my responsibility lie within that paradigm?

I am gratefully reminded again, by the Daily OM for Friday, May 27, 2011, that I can and should, practice shielding myself from the negative energy of other people.  Even when I know I am not the cause, not the problem, not the one the negativity is directed toward, I am drained through the interaction.  So just mentally reminding myself that this is not my issue does not always help me block the negative energy.  I am glad for the tips and tools for centering and shielding which are provided in the reading, and will work on adopting them for myself.

The past couple of weeks W/we've welcomed O/our son home for the summer from his first year away at university.  He did very well, with a 3.2 his first semester and a 4.0 the second semester.  He's working this summer as an intern in his chosen field, and just broke up with his girl-friend.  He will be fine, I'm sure.

I was asked last month how I was doing with the "empty-nest" thing, to which I replied, "Well I filled it with a husband didn't I?"  In truth, Master is my life, and I am complete.  But I am mentally and emotionally stable enough to be complete even were I alone.  I am able to acknowledge the emotion of wanting to keep my child with me always, and give value to that feeling, while knowing intellectually that his progression into adulthood and out into the world to make his own way is a positive outcome.

And so now that he's back home for a bit, it's nice to have him here, and he's always welcome here, and it's also really nice too when he's away and it's just Master and me.  And that doesn't make me a bad mother, lol.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
*– Lady Dorothy Nevill*

Oh dear. Something for me to practice for sure.  I am such an open person, not much hidden with me, I say it as I see it.  Perhaps I need to learn that it's not necessary to tell all I know.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
*- Marianne Williamson*

How do we stop being afraid of our power and greatness?  What steps can we take to embrace our light, and let it shine?

You must do the things you think you cannot do.
*- Eleanor Roosevelt*

This may be the first step.  Like the Nike ad said - Just do it!

The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
*- Elbert Hubbard*

This might just be step 2.

I could go on and on I think.  That's the dilemma with this type of rambly, random, brain-dropping sort of entry.  There's no clear beginning, middle, nor end.  There is no one unifying theme of the writing, and once the point has been made you finish.  This is just me sharing little mental snapshots of thought.  I think I'll stop now and let all these little bits sink in and settle and see where I go next.  In general, even with the trials and difficulties in life, of which I do not share much here, but which do exist, even with them, I love life.  I love my life.  I love my Master.  I love my son.  There is very little of importance I would want to change about my life, and the things that aren't important just don't rule the day.  I will not grant them power over my feelings and emotions and energy and actions.  Life is very good.

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Wisdom

So a respected teacher in the area of health once remarked to me that "When hunger is not the problem, food is not the solution."  Well that seemed like a no-brainer, only I realize that for me it isn't.  Food makes the  problems go away, I feel better, so it must have been the solution.  Right?

OK, that was a few years ago, I admit she was right, I know it in my head, and I'm willing to work on remembering and living with that truth.  And guess what I've found out?  It's still hard for me to even KNOW what the problem is.  I don't always recognize that it's not hunger.  I'm such a mess, I can't even tell when I'm hungry and when I've got emotional/psychological issues I'm avoiding.

grrr

I have at least 10 friends/acquaintances that have had bariatric surgery.  Some of them were dealing with additional health problems which needed a rapid weight loss in order to correct/improve.  Others were simply, in one person's words, "choosing ease".  By that, they meant that rather than struggle to lose weight by diet and exercise they chose an easier way to shed the unwanted pounds.  This person, and several others, were shedding the weight for cosmetic reasons, although to be honest their overall health cannot help but be improved.  Anyway, I think to myself constantly about having the procedure done too.  After all, it worked for all of them.  It can work for me.  And then I start to think about why I eat, why I don't exercise, and times in my life when I was successfully watching what I ate and exercising.  And I was very successful.  And I felt great.  The weight creeps back on when I grow comfortable with life and where I am, and stop putting in the work to stay on top of difficult interactions.  I avoid emotional discomfort by eating.  And I know in my heart, that even a few years after a successful surgery, I will revert back to emotional eating patterns unless I get those emotions under control.  I know this because I've seen it happen with 3 close friends.  They, like me, are emotional eaters.  And even though their physiology was changed to facilitate weight loss, they didn't learn how to deal with their difficult issues some other way besides by deadening the pain with food.  And they've all gained all the weight back.  And then some.

So I'm reluctant to have the surgery, because I know that I can succeed when I make up my mind to succeed, and if I don't learn other ways of coping the weight will come back.  In so many ways, it's like the Nike ad "Just do it."  I can and should just do it.  What is holding me back?  That's the million dollar question that I don't have an answer for.  Is it laziness?  Is it fear of the unknown?  ick.

I don't know yet.  But I am remembering that when hunger is not the issue food is not the answer, and that there are always second chances, it's never too late, it's time to work on the rewrite.

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SNL Inspires

Paul Simon was on SNL (Saturday Night Live) yesterday (may have been a re-peat) and he sang these words:

I'm working on my rewrite, that's right
I'm gonna change the ending

The song is called "Rewrite", and it seemed to jump right into my last posting.

Second chances and renewal.  Just because I took the easy way out in the past doesn't mean I will always take the easy way out, it's never too late to start new.  The universe is just waiting to help me.

Lessons converging to help me get the message?  It's never too late to change the ending.

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Blather

I was planning to share yesterday - but we all know what happened to Blogger yesterday.  (If you don't know, blogger was "down".  Down is a euphemism for deader than a doornail!)  If it was working for other people that's very nice, it was on life-support at best for me.

So anyway, I'm glad it's back, welcome back Blogger.  I hope you find my post from the other day.  It was a lovely quote by Gilda Radner.  Perhaps Blogger will find it and share it again, perhaps they won't.  Certainly not in my power to control and no point worrying about it.  But it was a lovely quote. :)

I just saw another quote which I just have to share:

The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want now.  -Zig Ziglar

That hit me right in the weight area.  I'm struggling.  Lordy, it's seems I've been struggling always with it.  I guess it's because I trade what I want most for what I want now.  Right now I want the chocolate.  Have not grown up enough to make myself realize that I can't have all the chocolate and maintain a healthy weight.  Self-control is lacking here. grrrr (hate admitting weaknesses).

So about yesterday.  You're probably just dying to know what it was I was planning to share with you. ;)

 Yesterday, I learned that my friend Kate was right when she told me that the universe provides.  You see, at the beginning of March I received a speeding ticket.  It's the 4th one I've had in the past 30 years.  The other 3 were well-earned.  By that I mean that I was speeding, and deserved the tickets.  In each case I really wasn't paying attention to my driving, twice I was actually just driving along admiring the scenery. (Once was Fall leaves in blazing, glorious colors, the other time was Winter tree limbs etched with snow and ice.  Both just beautiful.)  Anyway, this time, I was being careful.  You see, awhile back, Master gave me a wonderful car to drive.  It's small, rather unique in that they didn't make many of them, and fast.  Really fast.  Built with more than just a fast engine, it has all the other things that make race cars fast like suspension and brakes and other technical things.  As He explained to me once, if a car is going to go super fast it has to be able to stop super fast too.  I'm sure that's a supreme over-simplification of the engineering that goes into these kinds of cars, but it's really as much as I need to know.

Ok,  so anyway, to make a long story short (too late!) since I got this car, I've learned that the police really do use profiling, and really will pull over a car like mine just for jollies.  It looks fast therefore it must be fast.  Funny thing, they walk up to me, I put the window down, they're towering over my tiny little car, and as they bend to look into the window and talk to me, they realize they're not talking to a young man out joy-riding, but a fat, middle-aged woman on her way home from work.  And they caution me about not going too fast, or some other such nonsense which they have no evidence of (no radar, no nothing) and then they give me a warning and send me on my way.  So, I've learned to be very careful in this car, I'm tired of being detained for no reason.  On the day in question, I was traveling a road near home, well known to all in the community as a road they frequently patrol - it's residential.  I was carefully making sure I did not exceed 5-7 miles over the limit.  And the officer pulled me over anyway, and claimed I was traveling 16 miles over the limit.  16!  I was shocked.  I had no idea (God, I'm so naive) that an officer would lie about what his radar-gun thingy said.

Well, I knew enough to shut up and just say yes officer blah blah blah.  But I was still livid.  I remained livid.  Actually I am still pretty frustrated at the injustice of it all, but then again I'm the first to admit that Fair is just a place where pigs go to win blue ribbons.  And obviously, since I'm not prone to receiving speeding tickets, I chose to go to trial.  Yesterday was the day of the trial, and I left work early and drove myself to traffic court.  2.5 hours later I was free to go - all charges against me dropped.   Of course it wasn't really vindication or anything, but the result is the same.  I was found not guilty because the officer who wrote the citation did not show up.  I didn't even have to pay court costs.  And that is why I know that the universe does provide.  In our legal system, there is nothing I could have said or done to change the situation.  There's no arguing with the cop, no explaining to the judge, no nothing.  It's one of those times when the fact is we're believed to be guilty and there is no way to prove innocence.  So I thought the best I could hope for was a Probation Before Judgement, which would mean I wouldn't get the point on my license.  But instead, I got better.  And I'm glad.  Well ok, so everyone would be glad, that was a silly thing to say, but it was a deeper sense of justice having been served, and some of my belief in the overall goodness of the universe was restored.  (Yes, I'm that simple, lol.)

When I arrived at home after court, I took some photos of the azalea and rhododendron outside.  On Mother's Day W/we worked in the yard, hacking away at the vines and weeds and dead stuff which were over-taking the yard.  I assumed these bushes were done for the year - they had buds which turned brown without ever opening and I hoped only that they would come back to life next year.  But the very next day they were both in bloom.  Gorgeous bloom!  See for yourself:

It was gratifying to see such good result from O/our efforts, W/we worked very hard but it was worth it.  And I'm pretty sure there's a parable or lesson to be learned here too.  Perhaps one that will tie in with the speeding ticket/vindication and the quote above too.  I bet if I looked hard enough I could find how all these events speak to me of second chances and renewal.  That just because I took the easy way out in the past doesn't mean I will always take the easy way out, it's never too late to start new.  The universe is just waiting to help me.

Lessons taught and left unlearned until the right time, and then all the lessons converge at once to reinforce the message.  Small steps can have big outcomes, it's never too late, and second chances do exist.

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Class Act

Constant change.  Learning always.  Looking for the new, unexplored, better, improved version of everything, including self, and all the world around us.

It's my quest, and struggle.  This mindset leaves me dissatisfied with sameness and the status quo.  It leaves me uncomfortable with victim mentality whenever I encounter it.  This way of thinking can be challenging.  And sometimes the temptation is to just forget about it.  Let it all go.  Accept that "it is what it is" and not worry about looking for ways to improve life and self.

And then I read something like this quote:

I wanted a perfect ending.

Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems
don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making
the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

Delicious Ambiguity.

*– Gilda Radner*

Gilda Radner was a talented and classy lady who lived life fully, loved, laughed and did all the good she could.  She faced her unexpected and premature death with courage, and lived every moment.  She and her husband inspire me (Gene Wilder), and reading a quote like this, filled with bravery and the willingness to embrace all of life, in spite of the dreadful icky stuff.  Ovarian cancer did not turn Gilda into a bitter, angry person.  How then, can we, allow problems far less significant to do that to us?

When we can answer that question for ourselves, and see the truth of the quote above, we will have many of the answers that we seek.

Thank you Gilda.  Your legacy lives on.

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Don't Make It Be OK

The DailyOM today talks about the words we use when others apologize to us, and how our tendency to say "Oh it's ok" or other words to that effect, almost give the person permission to do the act again.  I'm one of those who tend to say "it's ok". It's easier, it ends the difficulty, there's no more conflict, it's less uncomfortable.  I'm also someone who believes semantics matter.  For example, I detest hearing a teacher state that they gave a student a grade - because they didn't just willy-nilly assign a grade, the student EARNED the grade.  So I do think the words we use matter.  Only I never realized that telling someone who has wronged me that it's ok, was one of those semantics.  Here's the article, see what you think.  I think the part about "sitting in our feelings rather than ignore them" is key for me here.  Owning my feelings, allowing and accepting and not stuffing them down inside seems huge to me.


May 5, 2011
Empowered Forgiveness
Apologies

If we can remember that our response to others is important, we can realize that trust and forgiveness go hand in hand.

In life there will always be times when we are affected by the actions of another person. When this happens, we often receive an apology. More often than not we say, “It’s alright,” or “ It’s okay,” and by saying this we are allowing, accepting, and giving permission for the behavior to happen again. When we say “thank you,” or “I accept your apology,” we are forced to sit in our feelings rather than ignore them.

There are many of us who feel that it is easier to brush off how we really feel than to express our discomfort with something that has happened to us. While this may initially seem like the best thing to do, what it really does is put us into an unending pattern of behavior; since we are not honest with another person, we continue the cycle of letting them overstep our emotional limits time and time again. By doing this we place ourselves in the position of victim. We can put an end to this karmic chain by first acknowledging to the other person that we accept their request for forgiveness; often a simple “thank you” is enough. To truly create a greater sense of harmony in our relationship, however, we need to gently, and with compassion, express our innermost concerns about what has transpired. By taking a deep breath and calling upon the deepest parts of our spirit, we can usually find the right words to say and verbalize them in a way that lets the other person recognize the consequences of what they have done.

If we can remember that our response to others is important, we can begin to realize that trust and forgiveness go hand in hand. And when we react in a way that engenders a greater amount of honesty and candor, we will establish a more positive and empowering way of being and interacting with others.

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Quick Change Artist

Just a short time ago - on the 25th of April to be exact - I was working in the yard with the neighborhood teen who cuts our grass.  He was handling some major vine and weed removal for U/us.  The trees along the back edge of the property were still just sticks of brown and gray rising to the sky, the quarry behind them visible as it is all winter.  It's not crystal clear since it's quite a ways back, but still somewhat visible.

A few days later, this past Saturday - on the 30th of April to be exact - I went to the back door to let the dog out into the yard, glanced to the back of the yard (where the sun rises) and realized that W/we had privacy.  Suddenly we were returned to O/our summer time curtain of lush greenery.  No sign of the quarry.

I'm sure it was gradual, but it seemed sudden.  Perhaps I need my glasses prescription strengthened, perhaps I shall just enjoy the beauty of nature.  The seasons and changes are at once both predictable and anticipated, while also managing to be a source of wonder and surprise.  OK - maybe not surprise, but I'm still always in a state of marvel when the first perennials of Spring pop up out of the ground, or the leaves turn to flaming reds and golds in the Fall.  This could be me being naive - I mean duh!  - the seasons change every few months here where I live.  But maybe it's me taking delight in the natural world.  Or maybe it's just that I get caught up in the busyness of life that I don't notice the beauty of the natural world day in and day out.  So it takes an event like this to make me stop and pause and appreciate.

It's probably a combination of all of those maybes.  After all, I'm nothing if not complex.  So I think I shall just be grateful for the seasonal wake-up calls.  Those blooms and buds and bursts of color and snow and light that allow me the chance to get a little more in tune with the natural order of things.  That's the stuff that helps me realize that trials and tribulations are fleeting and not terribly significant, even when they seem as if they are.  It helps to be reminded that the problem of the day really will "never be seen from a galloping horse", to quote my grandmother, (and where she got that from I surely don't know.)

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