Thursday, May 5, 2011

Don't Make It Be OK

The DailyOM today talks about the words we use when others apologize to us, and how our tendency to say "Oh it's ok" or other words to that effect, almost give the person permission to do the act again.  I'm one of those who tend to say "it's ok". It's easier, it ends the difficulty, there's no more conflict, it's less uncomfortable.  I'm also someone who believes semantics matter.  For example, I detest hearing a teacher state that they gave a student a grade - because they didn't just willy-nilly assign a grade, the student EARNED the grade.  So I do think the words we use matter.  Only I never realized that telling someone who has wronged me that it's ok, was one of those semantics.  Here's the article, see what you think.  I think the part about "sitting in our feelings rather than ignore them" is key for me here.  Owning my feelings, allowing and accepting and not stuffing them down inside seems huge to me.

May 5, 2011
Empowered Forgiveness

If we can remember that our response to others is important, we can realize that trust and forgiveness go hand in hand.

In life there will always be times when we are affected by the actions of another person. When this happens, we often receive an apology. More often than not we say, “It’s alright,” or “ It’s okay,” and by saying this we are allowing, accepting, and giving permission for the behavior to happen again. When we say “thank you,” or “I accept your apology,” we are forced to sit in our feelings rather than ignore them.

There are many of us who feel that it is easier to brush off how we really feel than to express our discomfort with something that has happened to us. While this may initially seem like the best thing to do, what it really does is put us into an unending pattern of behavior; since we are not honest with another person, we continue the cycle of letting them overstep our emotional limits time and time again. By doing this we place ourselves in the position of victim. We can put an end to this karmic chain by first acknowledging to the other person that we accept their request for forgiveness; often a simple “thank you” is enough. To truly create a greater sense of harmony in our relationship, however, we need to gently, and with compassion, express our innermost concerns about what has transpired. By taking a deep breath and calling upon the deepest parts of our spirit, we can usually find the right words to say and verbalize them in a way that lets the other person recognize the consequences of what they have done.

If we can remember that our response to others is important, we can begin to realize that trust and forgiveness go hand in hand. And when we react in a way that engenders a greater amount of honesty and candor, we will establish a more positive and empowering way of being and interacting with others.



  1. Interesting. I think I need to listen to the responses I make in these situations, and find a way to be more honest about my truth. Thank you for sharing this.

    hugs, swan

  2. I don't know, Tapestry ... personally I'm happy with "ok". I don't feel it says anything about the future. Why bother about it? Seems to me like too much thinking, nit-picking, making a mountain out of a molehill. Just relax and get on with life, never mind about how you acknowledge someone's apology, just do it and forget it.

  3. You know I'm a huge fan of DailyOM too. I read and then re-read this piece because, like you, I'm one to say 'its ok', to stuff down my own feelings more often than not.

    That this piece struck such a strong personal chord with me suggests to me that its an area of myself I need to do some work on. Maybe it our beloved serendipity, but its come at a time when I'm more than ready to do so. Good old Universe!

    love and hugs xxx

  4. Swan, Malcolm, Elle - Thank you for stopping by and for sharing.

    I think it's not easy for some of us to state our hurt or our true feelings when doing so may cause hurt or pain to another. I wonder if this is more true for those with submissive natures. I know I continue to battle with my need to make everything be ok for everyone else. I'm working on accepting that I can forgive someone, and love them, while letting them know that their actions still hurt me. It's very difficult for me to do. It seems tough to separate the emotion of hurt (or anger or fear) from love and forgiveness.