Friday :)

It's good to be Friday. If I were a day of the week, I think I'd like to be Friday. People look forward to the arrival of Friday. :)

This is a wonderful and weird Friday for me all rolled up into one. Today was the last day of work until the 23rd - so a week off before the school year starts up. I'm ready. For the week off. And probably for the school year to start up again too.

But today is also the day my Mom is undergoing emergency gall bladder surgery, and while they're inside, her hiatal hernia (did I spell that right??) will be repaired. Should be fine, she's got very healthy internal parts generally speaking. But at 78, and with advanced, crippling RA, nothing can be taken for granted. But I'm confident all will be well.

Today is also the day my son is traveling home from his vacation in Orlando, FL. His first time going away without me. He stayed a week with his girlfriend, they had a great time. I'm proud of them both. So next week, he and I will be trying to get ready for him to move away to college.
He'll be fine, and I know somehow all the financing and other details will work out. I'm confident that all will be well for him.

And yet my stomach drops to my knees and feels very sick at the thought of him moving away from home. I know this is normal and I'll be fine too. But at the moment, it's weird. I mean, he can't live with me forever - well ok of course he CAN, but I don't want him too. Well ok, maybe I DO want him too, lol, but I don't think that's in his best interests. :)

aacccck!
I mean, omg how do Mom's cope with this fleeing the nest thing?!
It's ok, I'll be fine, lol.
No cause for alarm here folks, nothing to see, keep moving.
What's a mild panic attack between friends?

I'm a little torn, because I know if my Mom or sister need me I'll be traveling to PA to care for them. But how inconvenient, since this is the week I need to get my son ready for college. And therefore, the last week I'll get to spend with him, living together, in the same house. Maybe forever. It's entirely likely that he'll be spending his time off from college with his girlfriend at her home. And he's talking about working and living with her during his summers off.

But if Mom needs me...
ugh

A little background. Mom was a very independent and busy woman while my siblings and I were growing up. She didn't have much time for us. And I longed for the type of relationship with my Mom that my girlfriends had with their moms - where they did things together like shopping and painting their nails and hair appointments. Girlstuff. And they talked to one another about things. Important things and silly things.

But that wasn't to be, it wasn't my Mom's style, and I was foisted off on my Dad to take care of when he wasn't at work. (Yes, I'm sure that's how I became such a Daddy's girl, lol!)

So, knowing how that lack of an involved mother affected me, how the fact that she wasn't and didn't care to be present in my life hurt my feelings, I set out to parent the way I wished to be parented. Now no, of course my son didn't go in for the girly stuff either, lol. But we have always been close. And we did things together, and we talked. About everything. We understand one another (I'll admit though that he understands me as well as a self-absorbed teen-ager can, lol.)

And I've been able to take care of him and do things for him - things that weren't done for me. And I've been able to help him through trials and tribulations, sometimes only able to hold his hand while he worked it out, but still, the one he's always known he could count on.

So who's going to do that for him when he's away at college? And who's going to keep bad people from hurting him?
Oh I know, it's all up to him now. And I know that's how it should be, and it means I've done a good job as a parent in preparing him to face the world on his own two feet. But I don't want him to go out there.
Ok there I said it. Are you happy now? ;)

sigh

What is so alien to me is his need and desire and readiness to leave home and enter a new phase of his life which is away from me. I never (not ever) wanted to be away from my parents. I lived at home during college. After I was married the first time, we lived close to my parents, and spent our time with them.

And while I think (intellectually) that my son's path is the healthier path (compared to my obsession with my parents) that doesn't mean I understand or "get-it". In my head I do. But in my heart I'm baffled. And in my gut I'm sick.

So I think it's time to keep the head in charge and tell the heart and gut to chill. They need to trust my head. Because it is good and right for a son to move away from Mom and out into the world. Don't we all make fun of the 40 year old virgin living in his Mom's basement? I wouldn't want that for my own son, I want him to have the joy of seeing all the wonder life has in store for him. And if he's prepared and ready to move out to meet the world, then I've done my job, and well.

But you know, there's that tiny voice in the back of my head that keeps asking just what's wrong with a 40 year old virgin living at home in mom's basement, roflmao!

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The Knot Is Tied!

The event was lovely, just as low-key and relaxing as hoped for. Which is real good since the journey to O/our honeymoon was a bit draining, lol. W/we had a lovely time though. This work-week has been just a little rough around the edges due to the slow recovery from jet-lag and re-establishing normal sleep patterns. But so very worth it!

I've been realizing (slowly) that some of my self-worth issues are still alive and well, even if deeply hidden. It came to my conscious mind while dealing with gifts, specifically the receiving of gifts for O/our wedding. And it reared it's unattractive head more than once and with a variety of people. It seems that I'm uncomfortable receiving gifts. Extremely. The feeling of unworthiness is quite strong, even though it doesn't like to be called by that name.

Apparently, calling our demons by name, recognizing and calling them out, is important. Demons like to hide behind politeness and niceties so they appear to be other than a demon. So, I'm working on naming it, holding it accountable, and banishing it from my psyche.

I know there will always be bits with me, but in time I hope the positive and healthy will easily conquer the negative and unhealthy. I am worthy. Of gifts, of mental health, of happiness, and all things bright and beautiful! (My new mantra.)

:)

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Countdown!

Well, things are getting closer, the wedding is almost upon U/us, and final arrangements are in need of taking care of. I remain surprised at how many details there are to sort out considering the small, relaxed, casual, intimate event W/we have planned. But no worries, it will all work out.

The most difficult thing to accept has been the decision by one of Master's brothers to skip the wedding. He, his wife, and their children will be leaving that morning for a week-long sporting event in another state. W/we had given everyone the date far in advance just to avoid such situations, but alas, no luck.

As Master has only his two brothers (both parents are deceased) this is quite a blow. W/we are by turns hurt, angry, and sad. Probably some other emotions too, which W/we certainly need to accept and feel and process, but which are ultimately best let go of since there is nothing we can do to change it. Hopefully time will heal the wound.

In the meantime, I'm working, trying to take care of the details of getting my son ready for university in August, trying to get the wedding details sorted out, and working to find time for myself. The need to chill and relax and recharge the batteries is great upon me, even if finding the downtime is not so easily accomplished. This time spent here and reading around the blogs is sort of downtime, often something I find relaxing and refreshing. Right now I'm sad to say I'm doing 2 other things at the same time. Perhaps it's time to close for now.

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Not Sure Why

Sometimes, after a long day, I just want to be comfy, and feel safe and protected.

Call me a slow learner if you must, but I'm always surprised when I ask Master if I may wear one of His shirts, and He very generously says "Yes!" Not surprised that the answer is yes, just surprised about how much He seems to like it when I wear one of His shirts. :)

It's a mystery alright.





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Occupied

The sign on the door said "Occupied".

I need a sign like that for my brain. :)

Keeping me busy right now - work, extra busy/stressful End-of-Year close-out due to a major construction project, the likes of which I haven't encountered at work before. I'm required to completely empty the facility and prepare the space for the contractors. In addition to all the normal end of the school year stuff. ick. The kicker is that this project was kept secret from me for some reason until a couple months ago, so this major load of extra work has been a surprise that I wasn't given enough time to plan for. My mind seethes with all the things I must make sure are taken care of. The good news is that tomorrow is the end, and I can put it all out of my mind.

Upheaval with my son. First, plans for a vacation with 3 other friends, which involved him driving them, in my car, a long way away, for a week's vacay. That was a lot to prepare for, and I was stressed inside worrying about the what-if's. To alleviate the what-if worries, I requested that the other 3 families sign a traditional hold-harmless agreement/release of liability. One family refused, and they then canceled the trip - this was the family with the connection to the condo the kids were staying in.

Wow - the drama was way beyond anything I'd encountered or expected, and you know me, I felt like the bad guy even though I wasn't. shew. Anyway, the planned week didn't come through, but Master has a timeshare He will exchange for the kids at a later date so they (minus the 1 child of course) can still go. I mean - the mother who refused actually hung up the phone on me! Who does that? But it's all good, Master and I will find a better way to get the kids to Harry Potter at Universal!

And of course, wedding planning. I'm trying not to let this be stressful, and mostly succeeding. There's just still a lot to do, that's all.

Hope all is well for each of you. As Elle has reminded us, being busy is not bad when we view the busy in a positive light. The bits and pieces and busy-nesses of life are part of the Tapestry which is ever-evolving. I am not the same now as I once was, and I will not be the same later as I am now. And the beauty of the picture which is being woven and created, my Tapestry, is that it improves and blossoms with every new thread.

(On a house-keeping note, I've been forced to turn comment moderation on. I apologize, but be patient, and your comments will be reviewed and made visible as quickly as possible. This is has nothing to do with my actual friends and friendly commentors, and everything to do with spam-type things.)

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Insight Is Good

When our minds are cluttered with too many thoughts and information, our bodies respond by trying to take action.
Several of us in this inter-web community are routinely inspired and enriched by the Daily OM, a daily email inspirational newsletter which we subscribe to. One day this past week, the newsletter began with the words above, and even before I read the whole thing I knew it was resonating deeply within me.

I recognized instantly that I need to be more conscientious to both slow my body, relaxing in order to feel, acknowledge, and process all the things swirling in my head; and also to slow my thoughts and feelings so that I could give each of them the appropriate time for dealing with them as well as giving my body the chance to settle down.

It just struck me as a very catch 22 type situation. I'm mentally and emotionally stressed, and my body reacts by jumping up and down, carrying on a great fuss, and ends up run down and ill.
And so while I'm physically ill, I'm completely unable to sort through the mental and emotional stuff, that it just sits there simmering, and possibly being repressed.

I think also, that when there's too much crowded in there, it's like an over-crowded classroom, where 1 teacher is trying to meet the needs of 60 students. It's just not conducive to learning, development, nor growth.

So.

Thank you to the universe for providing that timely reminder. And to Elle for sharing about climate change.

Now to settle in and consciously slow down, and acknowledge, feel, and probably most importantly, breathe!

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Fortune Cookie

Master brought Asian cuisine from Pei Wei home on Friday night for dinner. (Yes, I already know I'm a very lucky little girl, you don't have to tell me!)

The food was, of course, delightfully yummalicious. Pei Wei includes the obligatory fortune cookie with every meal. My fortune last night read:

"You will soon emerge victorious from the maze you've been traveling in."

Immediately I reflected on all the little dramas and trials and tribulations I've been battling lately, (all very well documented here, lol.) And I decided that those little dramas are the maze from which I will be emerging. I'm claiming it, so be it.

And that made me happy.

A little later, Master broke open His fortune cookie, and this is what it said:

"The best times of your life have not yet been lived."

And that was just the icing on the cake as far as I'm concerned. :)

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