I Love To Read

If you've been reading me for any amount of time you'll know that I love to read, and share about some of the books I'm reading. (Here, Here, and Here to name just a few.)

A few minutes ago I was reading my friend's blog, and naturally decided to participate in the meme myself. That means picking up the book closest to me (I'm a good girl and try to always follow directions.) Wednesday night I picked up a new book from my favorite bookstore (Barnes & Noble) and it's sitting on my nightstand, although I haven't begun reading it yet.

So here goes. :)

First, here are the directions for the meme:

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 56.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next seven sentences in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don’t dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST.

And now, what happened when I did it:

"Off the Menu" by Christine Son

"I could set you up with someone, if you're interested," he said. "There's a buddy of mine who I think would be great for you."

"Please," she said, rolling her eyes in the darkness, "spare me the pity. Besides, who said that I was even looking? I've got my restaurants to worry about. Dragonfly is busier than ever, and construction's keeping me up all night at Dragonfly Deux."

"Is that what you're calling it? Dragonfly Deux?"

I guess technically that's 8 not 7, but it didn't seem right to cut it off. I haven't read the book yet, and so I'm not sure what they're talking about exactly, but I do serve approximately 2400 meals per day in my 3 food service establishments, so I'm looking forward to getting more into this. And, too, you may have noticed, my Sir and I have a thing for Dragonflies, so that intrigues me as well.

Also, I decided to buy the book in the first place because of the dragonfly on the front cover *giggle*, and reading this note on the back cover: "Off the Menu is filled with characters who will resonate with anyone who has struggled to balance pleasing others with following a dream." (That was written by Tasha Alexander, author of "And Only To Deceive" and "A Fatal Waltz".

I often think most of life is about looking for that balance. We are often told that we should follow our dreams, and yet we are also told to play nice, don't be selfish, think of others. So walk the tightrope we must.

So, now you know what I'm about to read, and this was the book closest to me.

How about you? What are you reading?

Make A Difference

Every positive thought or feeling we can bring into the world contributes to the aggregate energy, giving us the power to shift the balance and change the world.
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Are You Positive?

Henry Kissinger said, "Each success only buys an admission ticket to a more difficult problem."

I chuckled when I first read that, and recognized the cynicism inherent in the comment immediately.

But as time has passed I've come to realize that I vehemently disagree with the statement. In fact, problems are a part of life, there will always be problems, challenges, opportunities, teachable moments, learning encounters, or whatever label you want to use. That is just part and parcel, the nature of life. If we stop learning, growing, and facing challenges I believe we are doomed.

The problems will always be there, and they may, in fact, be more difficult than one we successfully faced in the past. It's possible.

And what is wonderful, is that since we have successfully navigated our way through trials and tribulations before, we are now stronger, wiser, and better prepared to get through the next round of problems.

So yes, there will always be another problem Mr Kissinger, but no, that is not the only benefit we gain from succeeding. What we actually gain is the ability to handle those problems. The problems will be there whether we like it or not. They don't come as a result of our success, they come because that is the nature of life. So much better to be prepared and ready to face them.

I dislike sweeping generalities, and I dislike negativity. Nothing is ever always true or false, and nothing is ever all bad. We can teach ourselves to see the positive. It isn't easy, but it can be done.

What better time to begin than now? And what better way to begin, than by listing your blessings. What is wonderful and positive in your life?

For me, I am grateful for Master, for my son, for good health, for the mental and physical ability to earn a good living, and for the many friends and family who complete me. I am also grateful for the situations in life which I find disagreeable, for the people I dislike coping with, and the sadness that befalls my heart. For only in having good and bad, positive and negative, am I able to truly appreciate the wonderful things. Only when confronted with sadness can I also feel joy. I am thankful that I can cry, and mourn, feel anger, doubt, confusion, and despair, for these are the things which also allow me to laugh and celebrate, feel joy, certainty, clarity, and elation.

What are you thankful for?

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New Gun Fun

So I have a new gun. I love shooting my Springfield Armory XD9 (9mm), and I'm very partial to it since it was the first gun I ever owned. And I'm very accurate with it. A friend of mine went shooting with U/us once, and after observing my shooting skills remarked, "Remind me to never break into your home."

*grin*

Anyway, W/we wanted to add to my collection (can't really call 1 gun a collection, lol) and since my carpal tunnel syndrome is making the XD9 a little harder to load, W/we decided on a 22. Sir is a researcher and a shopper and a comparer, so away He went. Of the choices He gave me, I selected the one that looked best to me. And so now, I own gun #2, a Sig Sauer Mosquito.

So W/we went to practice shooting with the new gun. Lots easier to load, lots of fun to shoot, not much kick. Still working on the accuracy thing - but it does take time shooting a gun to get the feel for it. I'm surprisingly very accurate with Sir's guns (45's) and of course very good with the 9mm. But still have a ways to go with this one. Apparently the lighter weight ammo and small size really does make a difference. With my aim, accuracy, and oddly enough, with my own personal safety.

Personal safety? What is she talking about??

Well, since you asked, I'll tell you. With the other guns I've shot, I was accustomed to the occasional shell casing ejecting and landing on me and then bouncing to the ground. Yes, generally the casings eject to the side, but sometimes they go backwards.

Same is true with the 22 - usually to the side, occasionally backwards. One thing though, they are small, small, little, little bullets, which means small, small, little, little shell casings. And I never realized until I experienced it, that they didn't weigh very much - not much at all. And so gravity was unable to help me out when one of those shell casings landed inside my blouse. And stuck there instead of bouncing off and falling to the ground. And as I tried to carefully lay the gun down and get the casing out of my blouse, I was unable to do it quickly enough to keep the casing from searing my skin. And my skin melted. And it hurt. Alot.



Of course, I'm really embarrassed to admit that after that first time I blithely returned to shooting, and it happened again. After the second time I wised up and buttoned my blouse up all the way. The picture above is the wound 5 days later. Yes, 5 days.

So I've added another rule to the list of safety rules for handgun use. Sure, I'll remember a gun is always loaded, and I'll remember to never point a gun at anything/anyone I'm not intending to shoot, and I'll remember to always know what's behind my target, but now I'll also always remember to shoot the little guns while wearing turtle-neck sweaters!

lol

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Pervertables

Lots of discussion over the years among friends and acquaintances in the Lifestyle Community about "Pervertables". Specifically those things which have a purpose in the realm of "normal" daily life, and which sadistic and masochistic types are able to adapt for our own pleasurable uses.

It's fun to walk through stores looking at everyday items and thinking about what fun can be had with some of the items. Hardware stores are wonderful places for such fun. I've nearly swooned in joy and anticipation at a Home Depot in front of the rope and chain display. *blush*

There was also the time Sir and I were grocery shopping, and He paused in front of the light bulb display. I was confused at first since we didn't need any light bulbs at the time. Until I realized He was looking for different types and varieties of bulbs for use in O/our Violet Wand. I nearly melted into sub-space on the spot!

Housewares and kitchen supply stores are awesome too - all those spatulas and wooden spoons, and lots and lots of other fun things. W/we've enjoyed duct tape displays at an arts and crafts store too - they had a lot of very pretty colors of duct tape not seen in other stores.

Today, however, W/we were at Cabela's, enjoying the knives, oars, and paddles, camping and fishing gear, the plentiful rope displays, and the lovely heart-shaped caribiners. Then W/we walked by something that stopped me dead in my tracks. The name made me giggle, but when I learned what the tool was really for and what it would do, I realized it was absolutely not, NOT, a good candidate for any pervertable purpose. It's called a "Butt-Out" and there is nothing funny about the tool in my mind. Hard limit for sure.

But still, the name was funny to see at first, given my pre-disposition to see the fun side of run-of-the-mill stuff.

W/we had a great time at Cabela's today.

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American Boy

Really liking this song lately, I hope she gets her trip! Oddly enough she never mentions wanting to go to Las Vegas. Very odd. That's my favorite place, especially when Sir takes me there.

And on a silly note, when I first heard the song, before I read the lyrics, I was convinced that instead of saying "I really want to come kick it with you," Estelle was saying "I really want to cook naked with you."

*giggle*

I think it's important to be very very careful when cooking naked, but when Sir is the one I'm cooking naked with, it's lots of fun! (Ask him about his pancakes in the nude.) roflol!!!

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Viva la Vida

So I've been listening to Coldplay alot lately. I've always loved a good jam band - one with whom you can let your mind go and just get lost floating along in the music. The album Viva la Vida is pretty awesome in that regard.

Even though this music is great for getting swept up in, I do sometimes want to know the words and even sing along. The song "Violet Hill" caught my attention when I noticed the phrase: "carnival of idiots."

And there's just something about saying that phrase - it's so descriptive and evokes such a visual image. Of course we all often have to deal with situations where we feel surrounded by just such a group. And I'm sure that frequently I am part of that same group! Such is life. Sometimes we're the windshield, sometimes we're the bug and sometimes we're part of the carnival of idiots, sometimes we're the innocent spectator trying to lie low!

Just a great descriptive turn of speech - no big deal - but I do appreciate the creativity.

Yes, sometimes it's the little things.

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So Hard

It's so hard to post something here, or anywhere. It's so hard to share bits and pieces of myself and the world around me and the experience of life which is mine. Part of the letting go process seems to involve both a numbness and a "deadness" inside. I still function fine, I talk about him, I smile, laugh, cry, and remember. I remind myself how incredibly blessed I am to have shared the world with a creature as intensely wonderful as him. How blessed I am that for almost 11 years, my life was enriched by the deep attachment he felt for me. Yes, I was deeply attached to him as well, and I still am. What is missing from my life is the experience of his strange yet real attachment for me. Ask anyone who knew me, Duke, and my family - immediate and extended. And they will all tell you that yes, he was absolutely my dog. Through his own choice, his own decision, he latched onto me and devoted himself to me. He liked others very much - partly due to his Retriever genes, and partly because, as my dog, he responded to my own ability to take delight in other people. But it was always very clear that I was his. He claimed me as his own, and allowed no one to come between us. He did all that I asked, always, even when overly excited and needing firmer direction. All he asked in return was to never be seperated from me. And heaven help us if he found himself on the other side of a door from me. (I kept trying to explain to him that if I was in the bathroom I was sure to come back out, as there was no other way out of that room unless you were water.)

So, I'm trying to come to terms with knowing that there have been pets in the past, there will be pets in the future, but there is a very slim chance that there will be another with his unique set of characteristics. I know I will love another dog or two while I'm on the earth, but I doubt I'll find another one who loves me so fervently and so devotedly. And without meaning to sound selfish, that makes me sad. And I'm trying to come to terms with this knowledge, and begin or continue the letting go and acceptance process.

And I really am functioning fine, I'm not debilitated, I'm not being overly-dramatic, I am able to go about my daily business just fine. But there's something about the process of sharing here, in this blog, that makes these thoughts come to the surface. And so while I hope you aren't bored to tears, I do thank you for allowing me the place to try to sort it out and continue to heal.

In a recent post to O/our local Master/slave group, one of the members shared this:

THE SACRAMENT OF LETTING GO

I worry too much

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Autumn leaves ask me not to worry.
They suggest trust, rather than worry.

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So often in Autumn,

I want to go lean my head against a tree and ask what it feels like to lose so much,

to be so empty, so detached, to take off one's shoes that well,

and then simply to stand and wait for the universe's refilling.

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It sounds so simple, so easy.

But it isn't easy. It's hard! But possible.

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We Autumn stragglers must try hard not to wear discouragement

as a cloak, because we cannot wear emptiness enough to make us free.

It takes a long time to get as far as even wanting to be empty.
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It is the sacrament of letting go that our hearts are hungering for.

And once we discover that we already possess enough grace to let go,

trust begins to form in the center of who we are.

Then we take off our shoes and stand empty and vulnerable,

eager to receive the next gift.

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Slowly, the trees celebrate the sacrament of "letting go".

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First, they surrender their green, then their orange, yellow and red.

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Finally, they let go of their brown.

Shedding their last leaf they stand empty and silent, stripped bare.
Leaning against the sky they begin their vigil of TRUST.

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As the last leaf falls, they watch it journey to the ground.

They stand in silence, wearing the color of emptiness,

their branches wondering:

How do you give shade, with so much gone?

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And then the sacrament of waiting begins.

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The sunset and sunrise watch with tenderness

clothing them with silhouettes that keep HOPE alive.

They help them understand that vulnerability, dependence, need,

emptiness, and readiness to receive,

are giving them a new kind of beauty.

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Every morning and every evening, we stand in silence,

celebrating together the sacrament of letting go… of waiting…

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Let us pray for one another; for emptying is painful, and the community that we are, demands that we support each other in this Autumn effort.

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Autumn leaves ask us not to worry.

And as I read this Sacrament, I began to cry, tears sliding silently down my face, until they ran faster and I sobbed aloud. For deep inside I know this must happen, I must let go, and be still, in order to be refilled. That means I must let go of my fear of never having a companion pet such as Duke again. I must let go of my sense of loneliness and missing him. Yet, while I am empty, it is OK to exist, without giving back too much, without giving good shade for those who pass by. It is my time to be empty and to wait. To let go and to simply be.

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