Lessons Learned

What lessons have I learned? Hopefully ones that you already know. And in all honesty, they are lessons that I have learned previously which can never be reinforced often enough. The truth is that we never know what tomorrow will bring, and while there should be some measure of preparing for the future, we must also be cognizant that the future is not promised. Recent events with a dear friend serve as a reminder, even a warning, that life is precious, don't wait till tomorrow to enjoy every moment - tomorrow may not come.

WARNING (a poem)

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves

And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired

And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

And run my stick along the public railings

And make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

And pick the flowers in other people's gardens

And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

And eat three pounds of sausages at a go

Or only bread and pickle for a week

And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

And pay our rent and not swear in the street

And set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

-- Jenny Joseph

I Can't Help It

Thank heaven the world runs on cute!

Mom's Big Day

It's coming up in less than a month. My elderly mother is having a knee replacement surgery. Quite a few things to do leading up to the big day to get ready, but I think all will be well.

On that note, I want to share a previous entry from my 360 from Mom's last surgery a couple years ago. She had major foot surgery, and at the same time I was making my peace with the struggles and turmoil of my upbringing and relationship with Mom. This blog entry I'm about to share is one that came after this time, and is not one I want to lose, and is also one that is still relevant. So here it is, originally written and shared on July 24, 2006.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

OK, Saturday night I was preparing a blog entry, and then lost part of it due to pushing the wrong buttons. I even said in the post that I had several more paragraphs, but just wasn't able to retype them at that time.

So tonight, as I was looking through the storybook I shared on Friday called "Love You Forever", I was reminded of what made me start thinking of Mom and blogging in the first place.

It's the following section of the story:

Well, that mother, she got older. She got older and older and older. One day she
called up her son and said, "You'd better come see me because I'm very old and
sick." So her son came to see her. When he came in the door she tried to sing
the song. She sang:
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always...
But
she couldn't finish because she was too old and sick.
The son went to his mother. He picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And he sang this song:
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my mommy you'll be.
When the son came home that night, he stood for a long time at the top of the stairs.
Then he went into the room where his very new baby daughter was sleeping. He picked her up in his arms and very slowly rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while he rocked her he sang:
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

This part of the story shouted out to me, because Mom is in her mid 70's, and has been deteriorating physically for some time. There are many things that I must do for her now, which she prefers to do for herself, being a strong-willed and fiercely independant woman. In March she underwent a major surgery which went well, but from which she is still recovering. When she has recovered sufficiently, she will undergo more major surgery, easily 2, possibly 3-5 more. There is no possibility that she will not be facing or recovering from surgery at any time in the next year, if not longer. The next surgery is going to impact her ability to drive herself around, and thus she becomes more dependent on the people around her.

Those who know me are aware that for the most part, I'm generally an upbeat type of person. I tend to focus on the silver lining to any situation, whenever humanly possible, and I usually see the glass as half-full not half-empty. I don't know why, it's just how I am. But believe me when I tell you I did not get this trait from Mom, lol. All throughout my life it seemed I battled against Mom's constant negativity, and the inability to please her, no matter what I did. If there was a way to see a situation from a negative point of view, Mom did. And believe me, there always was!

So as we prepared for this first surgery in March, I knew that by my mother's side I would be, in spite of the rocky relationship we endured, because that is what family does, and I do love her, she's my mom. Also, as the only one of 4 siblings who remained living closer than 5 hours away, I was "it". But I was also quite calm about it, knowing that I would be fine, just not sure how she would fare, being dependant on those around her in the post-op weeks.

Well, I have to say she was awesome. A real trooper! And as such was able to be a blessing to those around her. When she did need to fuss or grumble, she was wise enough to only do that to me, and then she would be back to being cheerful and upbeat. This made it so much easier to care for her needs, while she was in the hospital, and once she came home. I was so proud of her. And I'll never forget the sight of my son, my brother, and my Master, sitting all in a row in chairs at the foot of her hospital bed 3-4 weeks after the surgery. And she decides to show off for them her newly acquired skill of using the walker on her own. I was her spotter, having been through therapy sessions with her many times, and as I kept an eye on her, I saw the 3 of them begin to do the wave! It was absolutely priceless, and I so wish I had a camera at that moment to capture the 3 of them in their wave and cheering for her. And how can I forget giving her cash to pay the shampoo lady, as well as extra in case she wanted or needed something when I wasn't there; and coming into the room after her shampoo, and seeing the sheepish look on her face as she confessed to giving the shampoo lady all the cash I left her because the shampoo lady was facing a terrible financial situation. These are beautiful memories of a giving and caring woman, who happens to be my Mom. Those of you who did my Johari Window, and selected "caring" made me feel very good, but I also know that "caring" is a trait I did get from her.

Mom has been there all my life, and while she's not able to show her love for me as openly as the Mom in the story, she still had that love in her heart for me, of this I have no doubt. And so, according to the story, Mom loves me forever, likes me for always, as long as she's living her baby I am. Well now wait just a cotton pickin' moment here. Am I supposed to believe or accept that after she's gone she's not my mom anymore? "As long as I'm living my baby you'll be?" She will likely live another 20 years just as her own mother did, and yet one never knows, it could certainly not work out that way. And all I have to say is that she doesn't stop being my mother when that time comes. She's always my mother. Moving to the next stage of life, no matter what you believe that to be, will not change that fact.

OK, calm down girl, just finish reading the story. So the son comes to be with her on her death bed, and since she's too frail to sing the song to him one last time, he picks her up and rocks her and sings the song back to her. And says that as long as he's living his mommy she'd be. That's better. Mom doesn't stop being my mom with her death, she is always my mom, as long as I'm living. And yet, longer than that too. And then at last the son goes home, having just lost his mom, and picks up his newborn daughter and rocks her, and sings the song to her. And so, the circle of life goes on.

It's comforting, to know that the love we give is never wasted. And that we can keep our dearest family and friends with us, and keep them "alive" even after they are dead. Truly, as long as their memory lives in us, they live-on.

So, all of this was on my mind Saturday night, but once it was gone, I couldn't re-do it at that time! I think I needed to get all that out for my own sake, not just to bore those who might have ventured to read this whole thing, lol! Would I want Mom to know about this 360 page and the way I live out my truest self away from the 'nilla world? Well, prolly not, and then again I think she'd be fine with it. *snort* heck, she prolly indulged in some similar behaviors herself, lol. Only in reverse, I see her tying my Dad up and flogging the crap out of him, not the other way around, lol. And as long as they both enjoyed themselves in mutually consensual play, then it's all good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ps - the Story quoted above is a beloved children's story titled "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch http://www.robertmunsch.com/books.cfm?bookid=40

Limits And Boundaries

Limits and boundaries, concepts that I have needed to re-visit many times in my life. I suspect I will continue to need to re-evaluate my limits and boundaries throughout my life.
What has brought this up, you ask? (Just pretend you asked then.) Finding that I am physically not able to do all that I want to do. This past week was so much fun. We had a very full schedule, and enjoyed everything in it. The Ren Faire on Sunday, errands and shopping on Monday, dinner out with the "girls" on Tuesday, and a class and dinner with friends on Wednesday. We had a wonderful time, and all would be well if that was all we had to do. But alas, work we must, at least until we win the Mega-Millions. In the end, we cancelled plans to take a friend shooting on Thursday, and plans to go out for the evening on Friday with our son, and did not attend the event planned for today. There was nothing left in our energy bank.
I have discovered that the mental and physical stress and fatigue of working full time, living 24/7 with Master, son, and assorted pets, doesn't always leave much left for other things. I'm pretty sure I could handle 1 activity away from home a week. And if properly spaced, possibly even 2 activities. But it seems that going going going non-stop just doesn't work for me.
So saying no to invitations and activities is important. Not always easy because as a "pleaser" I don't like to disappoint others. And also because usually I want to go, so I don't like disappointing myself either.
I often wonder how people are able to keep such busy schedules. I even admire that. But it's also OK for me to keep a slower schedule. It's OK if I have to say "No" to an invitation. It's OK if I can't be at every event and activity. It's not only OK, it's healthy to recognize my limits, and then set my boundary accordingly. In the end it's not only good for me, but good for everyone around me too. I like the image of the fenced-in yard as my limit. I'm safe inside that limit, in my home, and if I go past that boundary my safety is not guaranteed.
It's funny that as I was searching for a picture to express the idea of limits and boundaries, I found lots of material which talked about "No Limits" and/or "No Boundaries". I think we all want to feel that we have no limits, that we can do it all, be all, and live life to the fullest. Yet I wonder how many times our "busy-ness" is a way of running from difficult realities, or avoiding unpleasant things. And does truly having no limits really respect who we are? Is it how we show others to respect us?
So today has been a day of rest, and hopefully a day for rejuvenation and healing. I read one of the Daily Oms from a week or so ago which spoke about healing, and that we have inside of us the ability to heal ourselves, particularly from the stresses of our own making. So today I have focussed on taking care of me, listening to what my body is telling me, and restoring some balance to my life.
I am like a bucket full of sand. The events, activities, and people in my life each remove a little sand as I experience them. If I'm not careful to replenish the supply, refill the sand, I will become an empty bucket, of no use to myself or anyone else and unable to handle the most routine and simple challenges that life presents.

Instruction Manual

Master once remarked about the "Proper care and feeding of His submissive". That phrase has stuck with me and is a very good way to describe the little things day by day that go into caring for another. And I don't think it only applies to submissives, but is also the "Proper care and feeding of my Master". We all must take care of the significant people in our lives as well as ourselves. Sometimes we need a little help knowing what and how to best care for ourselves, our children, our partners, our parents, or anyone else you can think of. It would be so much easier if there was an instruction manual to tell us the "Proper care and feeding of *insert word here*" But since there isn't, we must feel our way, trust ourselves, rely on our gut instinct, and always search for balance. Sometimes it doesn't seem like taking care of ourselves and taking care of a significant other in our lives can both happen at the same time. But with careful thought, open communication, and love in our hearts, the care of our loved ones will also feed us.

I Never Knew I Was A Strawberry...

You Are a Strawberry

You are friendly, outgoing, and well liked by many people. You are popular, but there's nothing ordinary or average about you. You are a very interesting person, and you have many facets to your personality. Sometimes you feel very conflicted. The different sides of your personality pull at you. You are a very sensual and passionate person. You are fiery... you can't help it. In general, you keep your passionate side under wraps. You are only wild in private.

What Type of Fruit Are You?

Cheap Trick

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin you to beg me.

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.

Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin?
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin?
Feelin all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin.
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin?

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin you to beg me.
I'll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.

Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin?
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin?
Feelin all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin.
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin?
Feelin all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin.
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin?

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin you to beg me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.

words and music by Rick Nielsen

HAPPY BUNNY!

Master is allowing me to purchase this poster. I know this is a crappy photo of it, but you can certainly see Mr Benton's awesome Happy Bunny, and the caption is all about ME! It says:

I JUST CAN'T STOP THE ADORABLE!

So very true. It's not my fault, no matter how hard I try, I just can't make the adorable stop! But thank heaven, the world runs on adorable, so I get by okay.

I must confess, a dear friend of mine asked how many posters Master said I could purchase. Since He didn't give me a limit I think this friend was suggesting I purchase a vast quantity. I didn't let that friend sway me into such mischievous wrong-doing, because I wouldn't want Master to forbid me to remain friends with this person. Sheesh!

Good thing I'm a good girl!!

What's In A Name?

What Tapestry Means

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are influential and persuasive. You tend to have a lot of power over people. Generally, you use your powers for good. You excel at solving other people's problems. Occasionally, you do get a little selfish and persuade people to do things that are only in your interest. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Attitude

January 23, 2008
Attitude Follows Perspective
Shifting The Mood

We all have days when we are faced with chores, errands, or responsibilities that we don’t want to do. At times like these, it’s easy to get into a bad mood and stay in one as we tackle these tasks. However, given the fact that our bad mood will not change the fact that we have to do these things, and will most likely make things worse, we could also try to shift our attitude. Many wise people have pointed out that it is not so much what we do as it is how we do it that makes the difference in our lives.

It's important when we're facing something that's really hard for us, whether it's doing taxes, paying bills, or visiting a challenging relative, that we lovingly support ourselves through the process. The more supported we feel, the easier it is to open our minds to the idea that we could change our way of looking at the situation. In truth, most of the chores we don't like doing are intimately intertwined with our blessings. When we remember this, we feel gratitude, which makes it hard to stay in a dark mood.

We can shift our attitude by considering how much we love our home as we clean it and how lucky we are to have a roof over our head. Any task can be transformed from a burden to a necessary aspect of caring for something we love. All we have to do is shift our perspective, and our attitude follows shortly behind.

Maybe Not So Spicy, But Lotsa Yummmmm ;)

Your Spicy Score: Mild

You may not make the hottest first impression..But you're definitely the type of girl that sticks in a guy's mind.You prefer to play things cool. You know that good things come to those who wait.And the amazing thing about you is that you get hotter over time!

Are You a Spicy Chica?

Delicious Day!

Not much to eat really, although all very tasty, it's just been a lovely day spent with Master. We enjoyed a day off work together, slept late, and then caught up on errands. Very mundane, lol. There isn't any glamour associated with shopping for Vitamin water and Cascade, Alpo, and Charmin! And yet, doing these things together is such a treat for me :)

We also made the time to visit a new gun shop in our area. It looks to be a favorite for us now that we've been there and spent some time getting to know the owners. The store is called

The Gun Connection

11433 Pulaski Highway, Unit 3

White Marsh, MD 21162

410-335-7252

Master has a few more guns He wishes to add to His collection. I was pleased to discover that they are willing and able to apply their gunsmithing abilities to make my own handgun pink if I should so decide. How cool is that? Imagine if you will, an intruder breaks into my home, and sees li'l ole me with my pretty li'l pink toy pointed at him and chuckles to himself. When he wakes up in the hospital and discovers he has no testicles, is under arrest, and lucky to be alive, he'll learn that just because it's pink doesn't mean it's fake. *grin*

Anyway

So far, a lovely day, in every way, with the single exception that our son is down and out with a head cold. He'll be fine after the virus has run it's course, but it's still a bitch in the meantime!

Time for dinner, Master is grilling steaks, I'll put the rest of dinner together, and then if we feel like it, we may go target practice at the shooting range, and drop off one of the cars for service at our favorite shop, Thompson Chrysler in Edgewood on Rt 40. The folks that take care of our vehicles there are so careful about details when it comes to the cars and us, we always know we're safe and well cared for!

Yin & Yang

Shiver me with your timber. :)

"That's sass right? You're sassing me?"


Post 2 - April 26, 2006

Fresh Start Preserving the Past

So, I've been using some other blog vehicle on another community and having fun with it, for almost 3 years now. And I find out they are going to close it, and while they say transition everything to some new vehicle, I feel safer here. Time to start fresh here at Google's Blogspot!

I don't want to lose the last few years of my life, so I'm hoping to transfer that blog over here. It may or may not offer the same level of community interaction and fun that I enjoyed in the other place. But hopefully this is a safer and more lasting environment with fewer bugs and weird things happening.

So with that brief intro, here I am, and here I hope to preserve the past, enjoy the present, and dream the future!

Serving

For Christmas I researched home foot spas, and after many days of careful evaluation decided on the best home spa for me, and added it to my wish list. I must have been a very good little girl because I did receive many of the items on my wish list, including the spa.

The other day, I was privileged to be able to offer Master a home pedicure. I massaged His feet with the help of some foot care products for exfoliating, smoothing, and soothing, followed by a wonderful soak in the nice warm water with the bubbles jetting around and the accupressure points in all the right places, a nice rinse, and after I dried his feet a lovely moisturizer.

I haven't actually made the time to use the spa for myself yet, but one of the main reasons for wanting the spa was for what it would allow me to do for Master. I do intend to use it and enjoy it for myself, but I'm certain I actually gain more pleasure from using it to bring Him pleasure.

Talk about the perfect gift!

>

I've been having a few unpleasant health issues which were beginning to worry me, when I remembered the list of side-effects which go along with the new migraine medicine the Dr has presribed. This is a daily regimen designed to prevent the migraines, rather than the meds I was taking to stop them once I had a migraine. And once I remembered the side-effects I was much relieved. The side-effects aren't fun, but I believe they are manageable, and since I haven't encountered a migraine since I began the medicine, I'm thrilled! It's much easier to accept unpleasant things when I know they're part of the big picture for something really positive. (I can't think of anything more positive then being migraine free!!)

.
O/our son continues to struggle with some stress related health issues, and I hope we will continue to make progress with that too. His job search continues, but will be fruitful in time I am confident.

.
You may recall this past winter and spring as O/our dog Duke went through 3 surgeries. He's a trouper. The problem persists, the surgeon is frustrated at not being able to remove the bad organ causing the hyper-calcimia (because he can't find the rogue organ, it's somewhere sub-cutaneous.) So we can decide to do another surgery, maybe find the problem, maybe not, maybe cure Duke, maybe not, maybe lengthen his life, maybe not. W/we have not come to a conclusion yet, he's such a happy dog, healthy in everyway except for this excess calcium. The sad fact is the toll it is going to take on his kidneys over time. For now, he continues to play and be his usual happy cheerful self. The mixture of Chow and Yellow Lab is amazing and shows in his personality as well as his physical beauty.

.
All in all, life is good during this start of 2008. Perhaps I would think of what is wrong and be sad or upset, but so much more fruitful for me, those around me, and the overall energy of the universe if I would think of what is right and be happy, and at peace. In time anything that I perceive as "wrong" will work out, and a new set of "wrongs" will be here to take their place.

.
Blessings and peace to each of you.

.

This Is The Time

With the New Year people typically set goals for growth and improvement. I have done that many times myself in the past, and again this year have discussed with Master somethings I'd like to improve about myself. Reading today's newsletter (below) I was reminded to continue to live fully today, everyday, warmly embracing all of me and my life even as I work on the things I'd like to improve. I'm glad for the reminder in this newsletter to live each day with a spirit of abundance and joy, rather than putting life on hold until everything is just the way I want it.
.

January 4, 2008

Now Is The Time

Bloom Where You Are Planted

Having a vision for our future that differs from our current circumstances can be inspiring and exciting, but it can also keep us from fully committing to our present placement. We may become aware that this is happening when we notice our thoughts about the future distracting us from our participation in the moment. We may find upon searching our hearts that we are waiting for some future time or situation in order to self-actualize. This would be like a flower planted in North Dakota putting off blooming because it would prefer to do so in Illinois.

There are no guarantees in this life, so when we hold back we do so at the risk of never fully blossoming. This present moment always offers us the ground in which we can take root and open our hearts now. What this means is that we live fully, wherever we are, not hesitating because conditions are not perfect, or we might end up moving, or we haven’t found our life partner. This can be scary, because we might feel that we are giving up our cherished dreams if we do not agree to wait for them. But this notion that we have to hold back our life force now in order to find happiness later doesn’t really make sense. What might really be happening is that we are afraid to embrace this moment, and ourselves, just exactly as we are right now. This constitutes a tendency to hold back from fully loving ourselves, as we are, where we are.

We have a habit of presenting life with a set of conditions—ifs and whens that must be fulfilled before we will say yes to the gift of our lives. Now is the time for each of us to bloom where we are planted, overriding our tendency to hold back. Now is the time to say yes, to be brave and commit fully to ourselves, because until we do no one else will. Now is the time to be vulnerable, unfolding delicately yet fully into the space in which we find ourselves.

.

My Wish For You In 2008

May peace break into your home and
May thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $500 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and
May laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and
May happiness slap you across the face and
May your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had forget your home address!
In simple words ...
May 2008 be the best year of your life!!!

.