Thanks Wen!

I want to thank Wen for sharing this quote:

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.

-Thich Nhat Hanh

I had an immediate and acute reaction when I read this. I do this, I know I do. I don't want to do this. It is so much easier to be upset and fret about a situation than it is to let it go and move on. Letting go seems to indicate that it wasn't a genuinely painful situation, that it's not significant, or else I wouldn't have gotten over it as easily. Maybe it's that I'm not worthy to be happy. I'm not entitled to leave suffering behind, and to embrace happiness and joy.

There's a lot to think about here. Maybe the most important lesson right now is that it's OK to be happy. I'm worthy to feel joy. It's OK to let go of struggles and trials, put them to rest, and be content. And that my idea of happiness, joy, and contentment doesn't have to match anyone else's ideas. I am of value, I am unique, and I am entitled to choose happiness.

Each of us is entitled to choose happiness, to be joyful and content. It doesn't make us bad people, there is no right and wrong. And while it isn't always easy to give ourselves permission to do, it's certainly worth striving for.

And as I re-read what I've written so far, it strikes me that maybe some of this is about me, and my own internal processes. But I felt that it had a lot to do with how others would perceive me. If they are to believe just how serious and significant the situation and my pain and suffering are, then I can't just let it go and move on and choose happiness, or others will never realize how deeply I suffered. Which begs the question of why in the world I care what others think of me? If I keep my familiar suffering, I know what type of reaction others will give me. I will garner their sympathy and support, encouragement, and many other things which are more complex. Things like having their admiration for being so long-suffering, and stoic. And I won't have to worry about their disapproval for not fitting into their idea of what I should feel and how I should behave.

And I think the answer is the same for whatever reason I hold onto suffering. No matter what other people think, I'm worthy to be happy, to feel joy, and to find contentment. So whether I hold onto suffering because I'm scared to let it go and embrace the unknown; or if I hold onto suffering because I'm afraid others will think poorly of me if I let it go, the answer is the same. It's OK. I'm OK. I'm of value, I'm unique, I'm worthy. And that may just be my new mantra, my affirmation. I may need to repeat that to myself and remind myself constantly, until I believe it, until it becomes ingrained in me, and comfortable.

It's OK. I'm OK. I'm of value, I'm unique, I'm worthy.
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Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Master
Happy Birthday to you!

(I'd be happy to take your birthday spanking for you.)

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Love You Forever

On this day, 15 years ago, 8 months into my pregnancy, my water broke. It was 8:30 on a Sunday morning, and I was scared to death. I'd already lost a baby some years earlier, and had difficulty conceiving this one. So, to the hospital, where I'm admitted, and the process begins. Since I was unable to go into labor naturally they "induced" labor. Gee that's fun (NOT)! The hours ticked by, the ice chips were constantly placed in my mouth, the music I brought with me played and helped me go somewhere far away, a safe place where I was able to get through the pain. And finally, 35 hours after it started, my son was born. Tomorrow he will be 15, he's taller and stronger than me now, amazing to think that little 7 pound baby grew into the shape of a man.

When he was quite young, I gave him a book written by Robert Munsch, called "Love You Forever".

"Love You Forever"

A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him she sang:

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

The baby grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was 2 years old, and he ran all around the house. He pulled all the books off the shelves. He pulled all the food out of the refrigerator and he took his mother's watch and flushed it down the toilet. Sometimes his mother would say, "This kid is driving me CRAZY!"

But at night time, when the 2 year old was quiet, she opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor, looked up over the side of his bed; and if he was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

The little boy grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was 9 years old. And he never wanted to come in for dinner, and he never wanted to take a bath, and when grandma visited he always said bad words. Sometimes his mother wanted to sell him to the ZOO!

But at night time, when he was asleep, the mother quietly opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep, she picked up that 9 year old boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

The boy grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a teenager. He had strange friends and he wore strange clothes and he listened to strange music. Sometimes the mother felt like she was in a ZOO!

But at night time, when that teenager was asleep, the mother quietly opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep, she picked up that great big boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

That teenager grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a grown-up man. He left home and got a house across town.

But sometimes on dark nights the mother got into her car and drove across town.

If all the lights in her son's house were out, she opened his bedroom window, crawled across the floor, and looked up over the side of his bed. If that great big man was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

Well, that mother, she got older. She got older and older and older. One day she called up her son and said, "You'd better come see me because I'm very old and sick." So her son came to see her. When he came in the door she tried to sing the song. She sang:

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always...

But she couldn't finish because she was too old and sick.

The son went to his mother. He picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And he sang this song:

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my mommy you'll be.

When the son came home that night, he stood for a long time at the top of the stairs.

The he went into the room where his very new baby daughter was sleeping. He picked her up in his arms and very slowly rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while he rocked her he sang:

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

Happy 15th Birthday Son. I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, and whether you like it or not, my baby you are.

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Pampered Princess

Wow! So last Thursday I go for a spa day. This was my birthday present from my mom, and it was incredible. As I lay there being massaged I thought to myself that every woman should experience a day like this, at least once in their lives!

When I entered the Spa, there were some papers to fill out in a relaxing and soothing environment where I was offered refreshment. When I completed the health history I was shown into the Tuscany room, and provided with a robe and slippers, as well as a place to store my belongings. There was plenty of water available to drink, a bowl of fresh fruit, health and beauty supplies to use. The room included changing cubicles, a restroom, a swiss shower, a swimming/jacuzzi type pool with a waterfall, a sauna, and a steam room.

My first technician met me in the Tuscany room, and explained what she would be doing that day. She explained that she'd like me to start out in the steam room for 5-10 minutes. It was eucalyptus scented, and after I got used to breathing warm moist air it was wonderfully relaxing!

She then led me to my private room, where the massages began. The first was called the ultimate foot massage, and wow, was it ever relaxing! From knee to toes, my muscles were massaged, special lotions applied, hot stones placed between my toes, and hot moist towels wrapped around my feet. At this point I was almost asleep, and she was ready to begin the body massage. An incredibly relaxing experience that left me so limp it was hard to walk!

By now 2 hours have passed, time spent relaxing, breathing, listening to very soothing and low-key music, dim and soothing lighting, and relaxing scents permeating the air. If this was the complete day, I would have been content, but there was more. Next, my technician took me to the ayurvedic spa room, where she applied a seaweed body exfoliator to my entire body, and then placed me in a spa machine which looks similar to a tanning bed. The steam began to open the pores on my skin, and activate the exfoliator. Next the hot water jets began to pulsate over my body from head to toe. Wow, did that ever feel good! My technician sat behind me, massaging my head, neck, and scalp all the while the machine is working on my body. And still the softly soothing music is playing, the lights on the spa machine are changing color every few minutes, and asleep again I go!

When this part of the treatment is complete, the seaweed scrub is rinsed from my skin, I dry off, and back to my private room we go, back up on the massage table, and special moisturizers are applied.

By this time I'm ready to sleep for days, but alas it's time for lunch. There were quite a few menu selections, and my tuna steak, grilled vegetables, pasta and shrimp salad, and crab soup were all wonderful. As I sat and relaxed in the dining room I truly felt like a princess for the day!

But wait! There's more! Now it's time for waxing and facial! And this time I fell asleep right away, so I'm not very clear on the details of the facial, lol. But when I woke up I was done, and headed for the pedicure chair! This included all the usual pedicure stuff, with the addition of a hot wax treatment for my feet. The vibrating and heated chair was delightful as always, and the knee to toe massage was great, even though it was the 2nd time that day! lol Last was the manicure, which once again included all the regular manicure stuff, along with a hot wax treatment for my hands.

All in all it was a delightful day of pampering and being spoiled, that everyone should have the pleasure of experiencing. If I win the lottery I'll do it more often myself!

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Time For Me

So I'm off work for the summer, well ok, I need to find a job, but the school year is over and I have some time off.

And boy do I need the break. My health hasn't been what it should be, and I've been running in all directions at once, with all cylinders firing at full throttle, and it's time for a tune-up! A little bit of downtime, me time, do nothing time, is called for I believe, so that I can get back to "normal" (whatever that is! )

So I'm not going to think about all the stuff that needs to be done around the house, errands that are begging to be run, the teenager who needs more structure and how in the world to give it to him, or any of the other things weighing on my mind. At least for awhile, I want to try to let go of the pressures and just relax and enjoy myself, de-stress.

One thing that will help with that is using the gift-certificate my Mom gave me back in April for my birthday. It's for $250.00 worth of services from the Spa on the Avenue at White Marsh.

Something else that might help is spending time with friends that I haven't seen for awhile. Hopefully I'll do that this week.

Off to pamper myself, hmmm, let's see, will I roll over and go back to sleep, or take a nice long bubble bath? Or some other indulgence? What would make me happiest?

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"Good Mommy Moments"

Happy Thursday! One more day till the weekend, wahoooooooo! Been a mixed up week, some good parts and some not so good parts. The positive thing though is that even when there's icky stuff, my attitude has remained intact and positive. Yes life can be icky, but that doesn't mean I have to give in to negativity. That certainly won't help, or make anything better!

So Monday we were without Master. Tuesday we were together, but the pinched nerve in my back was so bad that I couldn't do much more than lie around. Wednesday I stayed home from work due to the pain, and even though Master thought it best to stay in and take it easy, I was uncomfortable enough that resting wasn't helping. So we went to the BESS meeting and munch and actually enjoyed ourselves very much. Arthur is an amazing presenter, and the topic was interesting too. Master noted the cognitive dissonance involved in hearing the people speaking through the wall about religious things while watching a BDSM presentation.

So today I went to work again, and made it through the day. I'm hoping to see my dear Jewel tonight, I've been so concerned about her. Luckily Kismet was able to spend some time this afternoon with her. When a friend and sister is in trouble we do pull together to help. I would have been lost without her in December, this is merely my chance to return the favor!

The kid has been cheerfully going about his chores, at least after I expressed my anger at his attitude Tuesday afternoon. Since then he's been much better. Master and I, my son's father and his girlfriend, all want very much to be able to trust this kid again. It's going to take a lot of time. And the debt of punishment/consequences that needs to be paid back will take quite awhile to work off. Hopefully he'll learn his lesson and think before he acts in the future.

I will say that during the aftermath of his truancy I learned some things about myself as well. I've tiptoed around him, sugar-coating everything, never wanting him to be unhappy. And when I explained his punishment (that Master prescribed) he became very upset and sad. I immediately wanted to alleviate that. But since I was given the instructions by Master, I couldn't. I must obey Master, first and foremost. And knowing that He also has my son's best interests at heart helps. Master reminded me that the punishment is not supposed to be easy or feel good. It's supposed to be difficult and painful in order to make an impact and teach a lesson. That's how the kid will learn not to do that again. He was right, I know. And when I spoke with my ex, he added some things to it. Seeing the kid every other weekend, there isn't much he can do, but he did take away PS2 and computer priveleges while visiting, and suggested that the allowance penalty we were originally imposing be tripled. I agreed to do so.

Meanwhile, my son has 2 friends over this afternoon, hanging out and playing games. This is such a new development for him, and it seems like a positive step. They're laughing and carrying on in the living room, playing Mario Party. I must confess, I'm having a very happy "Mommy" moment! Pray that this will continue.

So much needing my time and energy and attention, and through it all I'm striving to maintain balance. With Master's help I think I can. Besides the kid, I think my health and Master's health are the most important considerations. I think if I can keep the priorities straight, everything else will fall into place.

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A Home For All Seasons

Well it's going to be a long night! i'm on my own with the pets and teenager; Master is unable to be with us tonight. All the pets are looking for Him, and i never sleep as well alone as i do with Him. Add to that concern for Him and the situation He is involved in right now, and it adds up to a long night. He'll be fine, we'll be fine, everything is ok. Let's think of other things.

I've been wanting, more and more lately, to finish some of the work on my house that was begun or planned when I bought it just over 2 years ago. I'm feeling a desire and need to be more settled, which I take as a good sign. For so long I just floated along, doing the things that had to be done, not really feeling or enjoying anything, not really living. But last summer things began to shift for me, I was ready to live again. And you know something? For me that was a pretty slow process. There's still areas of life I'm waking up to, the bits and pieces that make up a life that I'm reclaiming as mine. But I think it's safe to say some major healing has taken place, and I'm finding myself more and more able to move on everyday.

So, I'm wanting to settle more into my home, make it more mine and less the previous owner's. And part of my desire to do that also stems from my desire to have friends over. Nothing special, no big deal, just be able to invite our friends to join us for dinner and yakking, you know the drill. Maybe I'll have a bunch of girlfriends over for girl's night out, or movie night, or a spa party! Anyway, the fact that I want to entertain again and be with friends says alot about my healing. And the fact that W/we've found such a wonderful community of people among whom W/we've made so many treasured friends is also part of the reason it's time to settle in and make this house into a home!

So that's the turn of my thoughts lately. I'm the one thinking of paint samples, decorating, home improvement, and menus that guests/friends will enjoy! Time to get it started! (Hah!)

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The Kind You Don't Take Home to Mother

Wow! Do I have the BEST Master or what????? You see, I've got this fetish. My own personal kink. Everyone has a fetish or kink of some type. Mine happens to be for office supplies in general, and Post-It's in particular. I love Post-Its! OK, that's not a strong enough way to describe how I feel when I see them in a store, use them, or think about them. This is one of the most perfect items ever created and added to offices, both home and work.

Anyway, now you know my dirty little secret!

So how, you ask, does this have anything to do with Master? Earlier today He discovered this website: http://www.3m.com/us/office/postit/products/prod_cards_sort.html and shared it with me. On this site, for a new Post-It product, I was able to click on a link and sign up for a free sample!!! That was easily the highest point of my day, so far anyway.

OK wait - discovering the Liz Phair song H.W.C. was probably the high point of the day. But the free Post-Its sure made my heart pound!!! (Check out the lyrics for Liz Phair's song, I was quite surprised that the nice girl who sings "Why Can't I?" also sings H.W.C., and on the same CD!!)

So yes, my Master is simply the best, most generous and thoughtful and loving man ever! I'm a very lucky girl! (She's a very kinky girl...the kind you don't take home mother...)

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Be the Change You Want for You Are the Genie You Seek

I've spent time attempting to learn about me, what makes me tick, what makes me who I am, and how I can change the things I don't like about me, how to learn behaviors which I do like.

Today I ran across this anonymous quote which is so very true in my experience:

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled.

For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

If you've never experienced this type of shift for yourself, you may not be able to understand how radical this is. To truly find a way to change, to become more like the person we want to be, we sometimes have to hit rock bottom.

Sometimes the changes themselves take us on a path of depression and unhappiness, even though there is nothing we want more than those changes. It's part of life, part of living, nothing stays the same if we are to grow and evolve. And through the process, it's important to give ourselves permission to feel whatever we're feeling. Changes, even those that are ultimately for the better, are accompanied by loss. And loss needs time to heal, a grieving period. Space and time and permission to acknowledge the positive that was in our former selves, and not just the negative. Space and time and permission to be sad, and scared, and confused, and worried. Space and time and permission to be happy, and certain, elated, and purposeful.

The truth is that I must be the change I want, for I am the Genie I seek. No one else can be that Genie, no matter how badly they may wish to. Magic Wands don't work out the way we dream they will, but in time, we are able to burst forth out of the coccoon and show ourselves and the world that we are, indeed, a BEEYOOTIFUL Butterfly!

Mother Teresa said:

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you have anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It never was between you and the world anyway.

Be who we're meant to be. Take the road less traveled. Play the hand we're dealt. It's OK. There is no right or wrong, there is only taking care of ourselves, giving ourselves all that we need: love, nurture, acceptance, time, gentleness. We don't have to have the answers now. They often take quite awhile to discover! Be patient. And enjoy the ride along the way.

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Happy Memorial Day!

Just a relaxing day for us. Health returns slowly, but return it will, as sure as night follows day. Slept late, yummy breakfast (Master makes the BEST pancakes!) A quiet cookout planned for later, and just a slow pace for this Holiday.

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I've Looked at Life From Both Sides Now

Not sure what all to share, seems like so much has been happening. The injured nerve is still there and still giving me pain. The Dr says it will take about 8 weeks for the nerve to heal, and in the meantime I will have this traveling pain. Then we found out that my son cut school 9 days in a row. Gee that was fun. He's still working off the consequences from that. He may never get to play computer games or PS2 again!

At least I had a lovely evening last night when my wild, bratty friend and I had dinner together. It was just nice to sit and relax and talk! And unlike the other ladies I have dinner with regularly, this switchy-friend has the ability to understand both points of view and help me see things in a different light. I'm so glad to have found this friend!

This is going to be a quiet weekend resting and taking it easy. Everyone in our home is sick with one thing or another, so we're just going to chill for a few days and hope that we all get better!
Hope all have a great weekend and holiday.

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...So Are The Days Of Our Lives

Ok, well it's worse, the pain that is. Maybe it's because I worked today, not sure. I took a pain pill a little while ago, and we'll see if it helps. Unfortunately I can't take them at work because of the side effects. But anyway, if it doesn't improve from the pain pill and resting it tonight, I'll call the doctor back tomorrow.

And I know it doesn't help that while I was waiting for the Rx I did some grocery shopping. Yes, it was much-needed shopping, been putting it off for awhile, or just not having time for it. But I'm sure it still aggravated my back and leg. Meanwhile, I didn't feel any worse while shopping than I did earlier today at work. Oh well, it is what it is.

Have been steadily making progress at home, slow but steady. I will eventually get where I want to be in terms of the clutter and debris of the past 42 years. Some of it will just be thrown away (some has already!) Some will go to the church flea market, some will go to the church thrift shop or Goodwill. And then some of it will be saved. But still and all, I'm making progress. As I get rid of things and free up space, I need to re-organize the things that are staying. For that, I think I need my Jewel!

Right now the dog and both cats are asleep on the bed with me. How nice to have them all within petting distance, especially considering that the cats aren't willing to let us think they can get along yet, and they both take out their frustrations on the poor, unsuspecting, dopey dog! Lucky for both of the cats that the dog is so easy-going!

Looking forward to dinner Thursday evening with a "bratty" friend! :) She needs a chance to get out a little without over-doing it, and I think I'm just the person for that, what with my need to not overdo as well! We'll make a good pair, her with her recovering body, and me with my bad back/leg. lol

This morning I felt ok, and thought I could manage exercise class this afternoon. roflmao! By 11:30-12:00 when I started aching, I realized there would be no exercise class today. *sigh* Can't wait to get well, I really don't like to be incapacitated in any way. I like to be the one taking care of other people, not being taken care of.

Well, time to just rest. Hope this was and is a tremendous Tuesday for one and all!

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Like Sands Through The Hourglass...

I must have narcolepsy! Everytime I sit down I fall asleep. That's really not good. *sigh*

OK, the kid's school was very understanding, I do think it helps that neither the kid nor I are trying to hide anything or lie. Technically his absences are enough to give him a failing grade in every class this term. But there is an appeals process, where he gets a hearing, and can ask for leniency this time. That's it though for the entire 4 years. But maybe it will work out ok for him. He has an A in at least 2 of his classes, so it would be a shame to fail because you felt defeated in the other 2 classes.

Then the Dr agrees, that it's a pinched nerve, sciatica, and gave me an Rx for the pain, and a note to return to work. She did say if it got worse to call her. I'm not anticipating anything worse.

The Italian-Herb Bread for dinner tonight is in the bread machine, the laundry is doing it's thing, the kid has been straightening his room since he came home from school, and I've been tidying and sorting, cleaning, and straightening too. That is until Master called and i sat down here to talk with Him. Time to get up and get moving again, i want to have dinner ready when He gets home. 24 starts at 8 and lasts till 10, and we don't want to miss it! He also wants to put one of the air conditioners into a window tonight. W/we'll see, He's had a long and tiring day and i'd prefer to let Him rest and relax while i rub His feet. But since He makes the rules, it will be as He wishes.

OK, gotta git movin!

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The Master's Touch

What a lovely weekend. Yes the weather was delightful. But it's more than that. Spending time with Master is always wonderful whether it's a day filled with activity and hustle and bustle (like Saturday) or one of quiet repose and tenderness (like Sunday).

We took care of a couple errands Saturday, finding a new case for our growing collection of toys and such. And then taking care of something for my Mom, and glad that I was able to help her, and grateful for Master's assistance with the project too!

Saturday evening was a lovely time with friends for dinner, (homemade fajitas - yummmmmmm) and then to a fun-filled and stimulating party downtown. From start to finish it was a terrific day, even if I did allow myself to be a little stressed and frazzled over time constraints. Master was very patient with me, yet firm as well.

Sunday was a slower pace. We had planned to attend "Wine in the Woods" but when I awoke with a pinched nerve, Master nixed that idea and we spent the day pampering me and resting both of us. It was actually a much needed calm in the midst of our lives, which so often resemble storms! Busy Busy Busy.

Tomorrow morning it's off to meet with my son's school to determine where he goes from here. It turns out he's been skipping school lately, seems to have a case of the "fuck-its" and can't see why he needs to go since he's already passed and/or failed whichever classes he's going to pass or fail. There are, of course, some major consequences here at home since he's lied to me about all this. And I'm sure the school will have some consequences for him as well. How much he'll learn from any of this I don't know. If I had a job that allowed me to be home in the morning with him, so I could make sure he got to school each day, this wouldn't have happened. But the fact is I don't, at least not at this time, and while things will be unpleasant for him for awhile, we will all live through this, and will hopefully be better, stronger people on the other side of it. Just keep your fingers crossed, your prayers rising, and the positive energy flowing for this child of mine. He's had to deal with some icky shit in his life, and while he's OK, the past seems to still have a grip on him.

After we meet with the school, I need to call the Doctor to see about this pinched nerve.

I'll update things afterward.

Tomorrow evening is the season finale for "24", what in the world will I do on Monday nights when that's over with? At least it's a 2-hour show, 8-10 PM. I better have dinner ready when Master gets home so we can be done eating, and I can get the kitchen cleaned up before the show starts!

Oh well, I keep falling asleep and then waking back up so I can type some more. Time to call it a night and get some sleep.

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Walking Down A Different Street

OK, well yesterday went really well, a nice loss on the scales at weigh in, followed by a grueling yet wonderful workout at Xpose Fitness. After that I came home and crashed for a little while, then enjoyed a nice hot bubble bath.

Little by little I find I get my house and my life in order. I'd like it to be much faster of course, but I'll settle for a slow pace, I've decided to strive for progress not perfection! BUT when it comes to cleaning out the junk that accumulated in the past 42 years, it can be slow going. And me and Goodwill are like this! (crossed fingers) I mean, tight!

Time to get going, but wanted to check in. Things are well all around. It seems best to focus on the good, the bad will be there no matter what. No sense in giving it power over me.
I'll share this newsletter and then skedaddle.

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"I hope you realize that you are not as different from other people as you may feel. As a psychologist, I have the unique opportunity to listen in as people share their private battles. Although we often fight these battles in the lonely spaces of our own minds, we might be surprised to learn just how common our experience really is. This brief passage captures it so well."

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost...I am helpless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Which chapter are you on?

Paul H. Jenkins, Ph.D.

Preferred Family Clinic

1355 N. University Ave. Ste. 200

Provo, UT 84604

(801) 221-0223

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You Are My Quiet, I Am Your Wild

"You Are My I Love You" by Maryann K. Cusimano

I am your parent; you are my child. I am your quiet place; you are my wild.

I am your calm face; you are my giggle. I am your wait; you are my wiggle.

I am your carriage ride; you are my king.

I am your push; you are my swing.

I am your audience; you are my clown. I am your London Bridge; you are my falling down.

I am your carrot sticks; you are my licorice. I am your dandelion; you are my first wish.

I am your water wings. You are my deep. I am your open arms; you are my running leap.

I am your way home; you are my new path.

I am your dry towel; you are my wet bath.

I am your dinner; you are my chocolate cake. I am your bedtime; you are my wide awake.

I am your finish line; you are my race. I am your praying hands; you are my saving grace.

I am your favorite book; you are my new lines. I am your night-light; you are my starshine.

I am your lullaby; you are my peekaboo.

I am your good-night kiss; you are my I love you.

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Happy Mother's Day, to all. I've had a lovely weekend so far, visiting Master's Mom yesterday, and today we'll see my Mom. I hope that you enjoy the day however you like, with your children, without, with your Mom, without. Just enjoy and know that you are special.

I gave the book above to my son for Christmas this year. Yes, he's 14, and too old for children's story books, but at 14 he doesn't allow much in the way of "expressions of love" anymore, and I needed to express my love, so I gave him the book, not sure how he'd react to it. I need not have worried, he understood what I was saying, and in fact, has kept the book out on his computer desk ever since Christmas. So no matter how old you are or how old your children are, sometimes a children's story book says it best.

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Liberation From Fear

''Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Marianne Williamson

Not sure what my fear is. There IS fear, I know that. Just not always able to figure out what it is. I suspect it is related to feelings of powerlessness and the inability to guarantee the outcomes of situations and events in my life. This fear can be so paralyzing sometimes, and erodes my self-confidence, my ability to be myself, let my light shine. What if I let it shine, and I give all of me, and it leads to an outcome I don't want? There's just too much risk. So I linger in fear and worry.

Once upon a time I gave all of me. And it was rejected. Repeatedly. By more than one person, all of them significant to my sense of self. One key way 2 of these people rejected me was by keeping themselves apart from me. Denying me their time, company, attention, presence. And it cut me pretty badly, and made a lasting impression, maybe even a scar. But the sad fact is that it wounds badly, hurts dreadfully when I'm forced to be apart from loved ones.

Sometimes it's a physical distance, sometimes it's emotional distance. Sometimes it's just the distance of not talking or communicating, being left wondering, or just in ignorance until things are revealed later. All of it hurts me. Is this something I'll ever get over? Then again, is it something I have to get over? Is it so bad to want/desire closeness? Physical presence, emotional intimacy? I'm not talking about sex. That's so easy. And sure, it's important. But it's one part, the other pieces are important too. It's so hard to feel like I'm on the outside, looking in, longing to be included.

No, I can't have my own way all the time. But does that mean that my needs are of lesser importance? What happens as dissatisfaction grows? How do I put my needs first, and take care of me, when that conflicts with what those I'm in relationship with need and want?

I suspect there will continue to be no easy answers for these fears and feelings I've wrestled with for so long. I don't have the right to expect or demand that others behave the way I want them to. And I think there's a possibility that respecting someone else's boundary can have too great a price for my own well-being. What happens then?

Who am I not to be brilliant? Who am I not to be all that I can be? I don't know. I want to know. I don't know how yet though.

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Visibly Different

Felt a little out of sorts today, nothing big, just some unrest at work and a sick child, and a sick PD. I imagine I'm not completely myself either, given all the illness at work and at home. But it's nothing major, and I'll be better soon, I'm sure, as will everyone else. Thank heaven the pediatrician confirmed NO strep, just the virus that's making the rounds, which was what I, the Mom, had diagnosed in the first place. (I'm usually pretty good about diagnosing my child.) And thank heaven again that PD has scheduled a much needed test, and I'll be relieved once He's had it and we know the results and how to proceed. As far as the employees go, they'll all be just fine soon enough. They never seem to like it when I tell them how to do something the right way, and make it clear that I expect the task to be performed correctly from now on. Oh well, they don't get to make the rules, I do. They'll adjust.

Had a WONDERFUL time last night (Happy early Birthday young Pinky! If it helps any, you can always remember that you're 6 years younger than me!) :) And the reading and information shared was simply delightful. The Presenter was awesome!!

But the best of all quite honestly was having dinner with my dear Jewel and her husband. Such fun, no awkwardness, just relaxed banter and conversation. And it was my first time ordering a pizza there, thanks to Raven for putting the idea in my head! The crust was amazingly light and delicious, and I had them put artichoke, broccoli, onion, mushroom, tomato slices, and extra cheese on it. mmmmm!

And well, I must confess, the very very best of all last night was doing all of this in the company and safety of PD. That He was there makes all the difference. On at least 3 occassions in the past few months different people have remarked about the change that comes over me when He's around. Now you have to understand, I'm a people person. Naturally out-going (well except at my very first exposure to new people with no one there to guide me and introduce me and make me feel comfortable.) Anyway. When I'm with others, friends, etc, I think I'm pretty cheerful and open and caring. It's not an act or anything, just simply how I am. But on at least 3 seperate occassions, when I've been having a good time with friends, and PD arrives, or calls, 3 different people have remarked "Now she's smiling!" or words to that effect. And it just gives me such a thrill. I'm not even aware of this change, yet His presence does change me visibly. Wow.

This afternoon I made the yummiest bread in my bread machine. I think I've found a new brand of mix, this seems better than the last brand. And I still can't wait to make some from scratch! PD and my son both adore good, fresh bread. I find myself planning meals around the bread I'm making instead of around the entree like I used to, lol.

Well, time to go take care of Mom. She's doing better, but still can't do some things for herself yet. And she's really been a "trouper" through the whole thing. Which is good, because I don't know how well any of us would have survived if she hadn't! And it also makes it easier to face the next round of surgeries yet to come in a few months.

Happy Thursday everyone, almost TGIF!

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SIlver Linings

Happy May 2nd, happy Tuesday. (rah-rah) This morning my son was sick, and stayed home from school, and when I left for work I had a flat tire, and it wouldn't hold air, so after my PirateDaddy put the spare on (just what He wanted to do at 7:30AM!) I was able to go to work, only an hour and a half late - *sigh*

But I arrived, and while I had a fairly productive day, and a fairly short Area Manager's meeting afterward, I had to go to the tire place to get that repaired or replaced instead of doing the other things on my list! And it took them 1 hour and 45 minutes to get it done, but at least it only cost me $2.30! That road hazard policy I bought has proven to be the best investment I ever made!

I actually was able to get part of my list done after that, even though it was late by then. I feel better since some of these things were taken care of as it was a lot of little piddly things that have been weighing on my mind. Now there are only a couple things left to do.

I don't often have to sleep alone, as PD and I are usually together. Tonight W/we're apart though, and I don't like it, and neither does He. Oddly enough, W/we will both survive, even if W/we don't sleep as well. I'm used to feeling His arms wrapped around me, and hearing His heart beat under my ear.

So, that's my day, I hope to heaven yours was better than mine! I must confess though that my dear Jewel was a bright spot in my day today, reminding me just how lucky I am to have her for a friend.
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Don't Overthink Things

"When it comes to relationships men think like a 2 lane dirt road while women think like an 8 lane super highway."

Ladies Night Out dinner at Olive Garden tonight was lovely, and much needed! Thanks koritzee, Laura, Robin, Julia, and Cecilia for the wonderful night out and the wisdom dispensed throughout the conversation. Next time let's not have Phil waiting on us.

This was the first post, dated April 25, 2006! :)